Why we tend to attract circumstances and people into our lives that are aligned with how we view ourselves to be, instead of what we think we want.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss two different emails from two different viewers. The first email is from a viewer who is fifty-seven, and the woman he is involved with is forty-nine. They’ve split up several times, but always get back together due to their great sexual chemistry. She says he is the best sex she has ever had. She considers herself to be a late bloomer and is just now really starting to enjoy her body and embrace her sexuality. He says over the course of his life, he has been with fifty-plus women. However, she is unable to be in a monogamous relationship. He asks my opinion on whether or not it’s a phase she is going through, or if it’s simply her nature.
The second email is from a guy who exhibited a lot of beta male behavior with a woman he dated, who habitually cheated on him and other men she has been with. She is in therapy now, and he wonders if she will change. He walked away six months ago, and he has not heard from her, but they have seen each other at social functions with mutual friends a few times. They are cordial with each other, but there is no indication from her that she wants to rekindle things. He is dating and sleeping with other women, but he is obviously still holding out hope she may come back. He asks my opinion. My comments are in (bold parenthesis like this below) in the body of their emails.
First Viewer’s Email:
Could you please send me the video that will answer two questions that will help me sort out some future understanding for me? Here’s my situation: I split up with my gal several times, but we keep getting back together because of the amazing chemistry. (It sounds like your goals and values are not aligned. I did an article called, “How To Become More Confident & Sure Of Your Actions,” where I discuss how Network Chiropractic Care drops the muscle tension in your nervous system and physiology slowly over time, which turns your power on, so to speak. It reawakens your emotions and forces you to move in a new direction, so you are no longer sleep walking through life, checked out from your emotions.) She has been with other men and tells me no one comes close to satisfying her sexual needs. She claims that sex is most important for her in order for a relationship to go the distance. I do not hold the same level of importance. She is 49, and I am 57. (As you get older, you like a richer physical experience.) She calls herself a late bloomer, and is just now beginning to enjoy her body. I had the pleasure of being with at least 50+ different woman in my lifetime. That being said, she has had many firsts with me and cannot get enough. The list of firsts goes on like double climax, record squirting, she loves to look at the puddle on the sheets after a session of sex and looks at the puddle with great pride and achievement. It makes me laugh. She is like a little girl that just won an award. Making her cum while she drives my car, making her cum while I drive the car. I had her shaking and paralyzed with hands flat facing the ceiling, eyes wide open, mouth open laying there frozen like a mannequin. I had never seen that before, and nor has she experienced it before. (A woman experiencing that is really all about her ability to let go and feel safe and comfortable.) She always reverts back to how did I do that!She wants friends with benefits, and that is all she can offer, because she is unable to be in a monogamous relationship. (Deep down, you don’t believe you deserve a person who can be in a monogamous relationship, so you are behaving consistently with how you view yourself to be. If you don’t think you deserve it, you make excuses.)
1. Is she damaged goods, or can a woman typically go though a stage like this? (It’s just not realistic for you to think you’re going to be the guy that will change her. She can’t be what you want. You’re talking yourself into sticking around.)
2. How much importance should be placed on sex in a relationship? (When a woman is head over heels in love with you, she wants your attention all the time. She will want sex all the time. As she falls out of love and loses interest, she loses interest in those things. You need to recognize why you are attracted to her. You’re wasting your time with somebody who can’t give you what you want.)
Thank you. Love your work.
Second Viewer’s Email:
I’m really hoping you’ll consider my email for one of your video coaching newsletters. I’ll get straight to the point. I met a woman at the end of 2014. We hit it off straight away, hooked up that night, and started dating. It was great the first three months, and she said she was falling for me in the first three weeks. I made mistakes, was too available and compliant, and I wanted to spend as much time with her as possible. (That’s a scarcity mindset. It’s as if there’s not enough of her. You sound like you feel you don’t deserve it, and you’re expecting it to disappear. When you feel you don’t deserve it, you act needy, you pursue too hard, and you try to force things.) At the end of the third month, she returned from a work trip abroad and was suddenly cold and distant. Now it’s more difficult to get her to spend time with me. We talk, and she says she has stuff going on right now, like family, friends, work, house, and needs space, so I agree and back off. (You were smothering her, and she pushed you away. It’s because you acted like you were not worthy of her.)
Over the next two months, things were a bit up and down. On my birthday, the end of month 4, I had an emotional outburst and cried about her lack of affection for me. (You acted like a woman.) This really cooled things off for the next few weeks, and she dumped me in early month 5, saying we’re not on the same page, I’m more invested, she’s not feeling it, etc. (You were way more into her than she was into you.) I later found out that after the work trip she slept with an old flame that re-entered the picture upon her return, and she slept with another guy after our first three weeks of dating. (She has a problem with being faithful and monogamous. It’s just not important to her. You are unaware of how your behavior and beliefs are causing this situation to become a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you value and respect yourself, you won’t put up with this.) I should point out that we never had the talk to be exclusive or become an official couple, (It wouldn’t have mattered dude), but I’d assumed through our interactions that we were. (When it comes to women, it’s always a bad idea to assume.) I also know that before the second guy, her friend told her I was really into her. (Don’t spill your guts and tell your business to other people.) I got angry and confronted her as if it was cheating. Was it? (If you were thinking you were exclusive with this girl, then yes. Was she telling you about these other people?) She said we were dating, thought we were having fun, and she had other options. (Part of the problem was, you made assumptions.)
I calmed down and arranged to meet for a closure talk. She said she was never that into it, (She was into it in the beginning, until you acted like a beta male and turned her off), didn’t see a future, lost attraction, etc. I stuck to your 7 principles, (This is a reference to my article and video, “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back“), and said I wouldn’t accept being just friends, because I felt strongly about her and wanted a relationship, (This is after you found out she slept with other guys several months after you got together. Does that sound like she respects you? She just looked at you as a guy she was fucking), and she would not hear from me again, even though cutting her off is not what I wanted. (However, it was the right thing to do if you were focused on your desired outcome.) I said I’d cherished our time together. There’s been no contact either way in the 6 months since, although there have been one or two chance meetings via mutual friends; nothing of any significance happened, and things were just polite and civil as we’d agreed. (If you haven’t heard from her in six months, obviously she doesn’t care anymore.)
I’ve been doing a lot of personal work on myself and am no longer the weak, needy guy. I’m getting lots of dates and hooking up with new women. I’m not holding out hope, but I still really love this girl. My question is: If she does come back and we hang out, have fun, hook-up, should I trust her again with the possibility of a relationship as my girlfriend and commitment? (Come on man. This woman has nothing but a history of cheating.) Or is this a case of her being suitable as a casual relationship and nothing more? (On some level you know she’s not capable of being faithful, but you believe you don’t deserve to have this, so interacting with her justifies your worldview.) She had several boyfriends who cheated and walked out on her and has had a strained relationship with her family. (Like attracts like. Cheaters believe everyone cheats, so they date other cheaters.) I know that she is now getting therapy over her family stuff and is making big efforts to reconnect with them. I only mention this, as I know you say that some women don’t value loyalty, commitment and family, and I am wondering if she isn’t one. (Once a cheater, always a cheater. You have to recognize this is someone who won’t be faithful. You’ve already walked away. Now you just have to accept reality and keep moving forward until you meet somebody who knocks your socks off.)
If you have a question you would like me to consider answering in a future Video Coaching Newsletter, you can send it (3-4 paragraphs/500 words max) to this email address: Questions@UnderstandingRelationships.com
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From my heart to yours,
Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“The universe tends to bring us people and circumstances that are aligned with how we view and feel about ourselves, not how we want our lives to be. Why? So we can become self-aware of our thoughts, feelings and beliefs and to ultimately transcend any limiting and false views we hold about ourselves. It’s to become awake and aware of our true nature, so we can become the creator of our lives, instead of being victims of circumstance. It’s to be consciously aware, instead of unconsciously unaware. In other words, it’s to become a pilot instead of a passenger. Once we become consciously enlightened about ourselves, only then can we become the masters of our fates and the captains of our souls.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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