How to tell when someone you are dating and sleeping with is relationship material or if they’re just a hook-up, so you don’t get emotionally attached, and why this will enable you to keep your options open for someone to love and be loved by to come into your life.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a female viewer who started dating and sleeping with a guy in her very small community. When they first met, he told her that he only wanted to sleep with her once, but because he really liked her and her company, he continued seeing her. Unfortunately for her, she started to become emotionally involved and attached to him. She saw the relationship as being and becoming more than what it really was. She started to assume that he was her boyfriend.
Recently, he ended their affair, stating that he was not in love with her. She is very sad that it is over. On top of that, she sees him all of the time. It’s very hard for her to move on. She asks my opinion. My comments are in (bold parenthesis like this below) in the body of her email.
Dear Corey Wayne,
I live in an unusual village-like place, which is basically an ex-factory with loads of rooms that people rent. It also has a music venue downstairs where everyone hangs out. Until recently, I was seeing a guy who lives there. He said he initially just wanted to shag me once, but because he found me interesting and really, really liked my company, it continued for 3 months. We went on days out, and he took me to dinner. He said he had an “awesome” time with me, even when I was being grumpy. (Every girl just wants a guy to love her for who she is. Women are way more in touch with their emotions than guys. If a woman starts sleeping with a guy, she will get emotionally attached.) Although we didn’t talk about it, I started to think he was my boyfriend. He said that he didn’t want a relationship, but made it confusing by saying he didn’t know me well enough yet. (What’s really going on is, he doesn’t want to hurt your feelings.) He said he really liked my company, and it wasn’t really about sex, although I know it was great for him as well. Then about two weeks ago, he took me to Devon to stay with his friends, which I took as a sign that he was getting serious about me, and then the evening we got back, he said that we had to stop seeing each other because he’s not in love with me and we’re not right for each other. (That sounds like he could tell you were starting to fall for him.) I was really heartbroken and depressed because I started to love him, but I’ve accepted that he’s probably right. He’s 44 and I’m 24, and I think he needs someone who’s ready for children. However, because we both live in this village environment, and his room is literally down the corridor from me, I’m worried it’s going to be really hard for me to move on. (Interact with as many other people as you can. The more you interact with this guy, the harder it’s going to be, and the more it will reinforce this attachment.)
Since he dumped me, whenever we’ve hung out with the same group of people, which happens a lot, he looks at me all the time, tries to make eye contact, and talks about me to other people. (On some level he still cares, but it doesn’t mean he wants to have a relationship with you. The best thing you can do is pay no attention him. You should be interacting with other guys who could potentially give you what you want.) At a party the other day, he instantly came and sat next to me. I said, “Please, can you fuck off and stop talking to me and looking at me all the time,” and he said, “Do you want me to ignore you? Would that help you?” and I said, “Yes, it would be like you and Stuart,” as they don’t speak to each other. He said, “But I don’t love Stuart. Stuart hasn’t been good to me.” I said, “You said you didn’t love me, and it’s too late now.” He kept prodding, talking and flirting with me. I guess he still has feelings for me, but he’s making it very difficult for me to move on. I don’t know whether I should ask him to ignore me completely, so I can just hang out with our friends without getting stressed out about him. It’s very difficult for me to just “make new friends” or hang out somewhere else, because we live in a lovely community, with great benefits. I would really appreciate some advice on this. (Focus on what you want. Until he can be what you want, you need to keep looking elsewhere. That’s the best thing for you. Look at my article and video, “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back,” so you can negotiate and get the terms you want the second time around. You should also read my book.)
“You should enter all of your relationships with your eyes and senses fully open, so you can pay attention to the other person’s words, actions and true intentions. If you allow yourself to become blinded or hijacked by your emotions, this can cause you to become attached to people and circumstances that are only temporary in nature. When our emotions become involved in anything, our natural human nature is to ignore our intellect and focus only on our emotions. This often blinds us to reality. When you become attached to what was, or something that will surely dissolve in the future, you will experience suffering for not accepting reality as it is and your circumstances for what they are.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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