You Should Back Off & Disengage If She Says This…

Signs to look for that you should stop pursuing and investing in her.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who is new to my work. He met a neighbor that he really liked and went out on a few dates, but didn’t have the courage to make a move. Then she told him she started seeing an ex. He kept engaging, pursuing and trying to see her. She canceled a date and reminded him again that she was seeing someone. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne and this is my Video Coaching Newsletter. And the topic of today’s Newsletter is going to be, “You Should Back Off & Disengage If She Says This…”.

Well, this particular email is from a viewer who’s new to my work. And you can tell he’s focused on how much he likes this particular, I guess it’s a neighbor of his. And so he went out with her on a few dates, but he didn’t really have the courage to make a move. And so when he tried to set the next date after 2 or 3 times hanging out, not making a move, she said that she started seeing an ex. And so instead of just saying, “Hey, well hit me up if things don’t work out and if I’m still available, we can go out on another date.” And so he continued pursuing and trying to see her.

She even actually set a date, but then cancelled at the last minute. And then she also reiterated, “Hey, I’m seeing someone.” And it’s like he kind of wasn’t really getting the message at first, but it just goes to show you got to pay attention to her interest in you. You can’t just blindly only focus on how much you like a girl. You’ve got to notice, is she reciprocating or not? Is she making it easy to go out on dates or not? Or like in this case, she says she’s I think she was going to start seeing an ex or had started seeing her ex.

And if she had just broken up with him a few weeks or a few months before you guys met, remember 75% of the time women are doing the dumping. And so there’s a good chance she was the one that dumped her ex. He probably didn’t like it or agree to it. He’s still in the background. They start talking again. And in that case, you’ve got to just let the woman do all the reaching out. Because if the ex is still in the background and you keep pursuing, you’ll actually drive her back into the arms of the ex.

But if you hang back and you let her do all the reaching out, especially if she pulls back, then what will happen is she’ll test the ex, he’ll flail, start pursuing her, and literally chase her into your arms. Because most of the time when they go back, it doesn’t work anyways. It didn’t work the first 2 or 3 times they were together, it’s typically not going to work the fifth or sixth time that they try it.

Viewer Email:

Hi Corey,

I want to thank you for your book and videos. I’m both deeply unconfident in my masculinity, but confident in my unconfidence at almost 40. 

Well, what is confidence? Confidence comes from doing what you know how to do and doing it really well. And if you haven’t had repeatable, duplicatable, success with the ladies in the past, it’s understandable why everything just kind of seems like it’s hit or miss with women. But obviously if you know the book backwards and forwards and you read it 10 to 15 times, and most importantly, you apply it and practice it until you master it over time, women become really predictable. And when women are really predictable and you’re pretty sure what she’s going to do next, that makes you feel pretty confident and cocky.

It makes things really easy. But you’ve got to put the time in with the book, and you’ve got to put time and repetition in getting reps in with the ladies. So your skills grow and over time you see what’s in the book showing up in your own life, which further gives you confidence. Because it’s the successes that help grow your confidence, so you have more confidence to apply even more of what’s in the book. So all it really means is that your strategy that you employed up until this point in your life at 40 with the ladies, it’s not good enough.

It just means you got to get better. You’ve got to fill in your knowledge gap, which the book will help you do that. And most importantly, you got to apply what you’re learning so that you see that it works. Not only you can observe it in your own life, but you can observe it in the interactions of other men and women, whether they’re in your social circle or just observing them interact out in public.

I’m on read (listening) 2 of the book so I’m new to this. But I never read things more than once so this is a big step. 

Well, as the book says, you’re only going to retain maybe 7%, 8%, 9% of what you read every time you go through it. And when the majority of the things that are in the book are often the opposite of what you think you should do, or you feel you should do because of societal conditioning, you got to have an awareness of what behaviors you exhibit that are unattractive. Because if you’re not aware of it, you’ll keep making the same unattractive behaviors.

And so once you become aware of it, then you can exercise self control and no longer display those behaviors. And most importantly, you can display more of the behaviors that are more masculine, so you get even better results. It’s just a process. And whether you’re learning it at 40 or 20 or even 70, you’ve got to learn this stuff. Because if you act in unattractive ways, the ladies will punish you for it. They will banish you from the land of women.

I’ve been dating for over a year now, and my (make them laugh to like me) personality superpower has gotten me this far on dates, even without being confident in my looks.

Well, if you can make the ladies laugh, what happens when they’re laughing? They’re feeling good. And whatever you make a woman feel when she’s with you is what she’s going to associate with being with you. So if she’s always laughing and having a good time with you, even if she just has mediocre physical attraction in you, you’ll become more attractive to her. Because you just simply make her feel good when you guys are together. That’s why in the book it talks about keep things funny and light. No serious heavy subjects, especially in the beginning.

You don’t be talking about death and destruction or the family member that’s got cancer or whatever it happens to be, or that her last boyfriend or ex-husband was a lying, cheating jerk. Again, whatever you focus on, whatever topic you’re covering, gotta think about what kind of feelings it’s going to elicit in her. Because if you’re eliciting negative feelings, then she’s going to associate negative feelings with being with you. And that’s the opposite of what we want.

My looks are my kryptonite when dating. I’m overly self-conscious about my looks. but am fixing that the best I can with the gym. 

Well, at the end of the day, attraction is not a choice. Mother nature has handled that. So the key is not to talk women out of liking you who are predisposed to liking you.

In August, I found a woman I was head over heels for from my suburb. smart, funny, attractive. I froze up and was way too anxious during our dates.

Well, at least you went on dates. That’s the important thing. You get some practice, you recognize some of the things you were doing that were inappropriate. It’s just you’ve got to get better. Everybody starts out as a novice, even if you’re just getting into it at 40, it doesn’t matter. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. And you got to take that step. You got to take that first step.

Despite that, she gave me two more chances.

Because obviously she was physically attracted to you enough that she liked being with you. Because probably you were making her laugh, which made her feel good. And so being with you means that she felt good. That’s why she was down to hang out. And when you think about looks, when it comes to women, it’s usually the fourth or fifth down on the list. The number one thing that women like in men is confidence.

During our final date, I “felt” her having a good time, but I was too in my head to make a move.

Well, you can do “The Kiss Test” (Page 164). But again, if you never tried it and you tried it for the first time, you know it’s, “Holy shit. She’s looking at my lips. She’s ready to be kissed.” Like the book says, sometimes guys chicken out. It happens. But the more you do it, the more you practice, the more you shoot your shot, the more you start to get successes, the better you feel, the more your confidence grows.

And then eventually in the future, you’ll be excited to make a move when “The Kiss Test” shows positive results that she’s receptive and ready. And that, of course, is detailed in the book. And if you haven’t read the book, it’s free to read in the Members Area of the Website. Just subscribe to the free Email Newsletter at UnderstandingRelationships.com.

We talked in my car for a while when I dropped her off, and she said she really had a great time. She even said, “if I wasn’t so tired, I’d invite you up for a nightcap,” which I now know was a signal to kiss and say I would be up for one more drink.

So if she says something like that. You say, “Well, I’m down for one more drink, but I can’t stay any longer than that. So I’ll have a quick drink. And then I got a bolt because I got to get up early.” And she say, “Okay, let’s go on up.”

Instead, I said I agreed and gave her a hug.

Well, when you continually do that, especially when she knows you like her and you don’t go for the kiss, as I often say, if you hesitate, you will masturbate. Remember, women like confidence, and the more she could tell, especially when you go out on 2 or 3 dates and you like her, she likes you and you never do anything other than give her a hug, she eventually will realize, “Oh, he doesn’t have the confidence to go for it.” If her interest is really low that could be awful. But if her interest starts out super high, she may even kiss you first because she’ll see your inaction as attractive. It really depends on attraction level. The higher the attraction level, the more you can screw up. The lower the attraction level, the less you can screw up and still have a chance.

I texted her when I got home, saying I had a great time and brought up grabbing wine another time. Dumb.

Well, I wouldn’t be texting her, “Hey, I had a good time.” Or unless she’s like, “Oh, let me know when you got home. Let me know you got home safe.”

She agreed. I then got a text a couple of days later saying she’s starting to see an ex and wants to see how it goes, to which I responded, “Cool, let me know when you’re up for it again, I’m free.”

I would have just said, “Hey, no problem, you know, hit me up if it doesn’t work out. And if I’m still available, we can go on another date.” And so at that point, that should have been the end of it. You shouldn’t keep trying to date her and basically get her to cheat on. I guess in this case the ex. But he’s probably seen too many Disney movies because in the movies they’re like, well, just keep trying, keep going for it. That other guy’s a jerk. You’re better than him. You deserve her. He doesn’t. He’s a terrible person.

In the movies, it always works out. But in real life, eventually if you keep doing that, you get ghosted. And abundance mentality, you just have the attitude. Well, I can cross her off the list for now. We gave her the old college try. Onto the next. But a man in a scarcity mindset thinking, oh shit, I’ll never meet anybody else. He’s going to keep pursuing, which is what this guy does for a bit.

She has been watching my Snapchat stories ever since and is still watching them, even though we are not friends in the app. I make silly public stories.

Well, the reason she’s doing that is she still is engaged. She still likes you. She’s still interested. Pretty simple. But she’s dating the ex, so she’s trying to get some Intel on what you’re doing and what you’re up to.

Two weeks later, I texted her.

You shouldn’t have done that.

Asking if she’d want to grab a drink after a long day at work.

Dude, she told you she was getting back together with the ex. This is what happens when you’re too focused on your interest in her. And you ignore the fact she said she’s going to see her ex and she wants to see where that goes. But a guy in a scarcity mindset is going to keep pursuing until he just absolutely demolishes any future chance of seeing her.

She responded quickly and said she would love a drink on Thursday, so we had plans.

So it’s possible she made that date because things with the ex might have not looked too sure that night, or at that moment in time when he texted her, and then a few days go by, things turn around with the ex. And so what happens?

She canceled on me Wednesday, saying she’s too busy.

She’s too, “Oh. Works crazy.”

To which I said, that’s fine, let me know when she’d want to reschedule. But I just couldn’t stop and texted again Tuesday, trying again with a voicemail.

It’s like, come on, dude.

She didn’t respond until Thursday, saying she’s too busy to date and is dropping it altogether.

In other words what she’s saying is, “I don’t want to date you and I’m dropping. I don’t have any interest.” She’s basically saying in a nice way, like, go away, dude. Because you’re not taking the hint. You’re coming off like a dude who’s desperate and won’t take no for an answer. The only guy that does that is the guy that’s got nothing else going on. And the stalker, which scares women.

I ran into her at a local bar a week later with a friend who told me I needed to go say hi.

Well, you probably shouldn’t be listening to this friend because he sounds like he’s got less game than you do.

I was very nervous but did walk over and say hi.

Because remember, she’s dating somebody else. She says she’s got no time to date, so if you see her and you make eye contact, smile, wave, and then just go about your business, I wouldn’t be walking over there and give your friend a copy of my book because he doesn’t know what the fuck he’s doing.

Talked for a bit, then left when she said she had to get back to her friends.

In other words, you talked, probably stayed too long. And she dismissed you by saying, “hey, I gotta get back to my friends.” In other words, leave me alone. Don’t listen to your friend. He doesn’t know what he’s doing.

I even talked to another girl after walking away who was all over me, which made me feel like a win. 

There you go. When one door closes, another one opens. So good job there.

I ran into her again at the local coffee shop, where she approached us.

Well, that’s the way it should be.

And I was nervous and didn’t say much. I texted her a few days later.

You shouldn’t have done that either.

Saying it was great seeing her and I hope she’s well. No response.

Phones for setting dates Dude. You don’t keep chasing somebody who blew you off.

I left one last voicemail.

So he’s double and triple texting her and leaving extra voicemails. Again, this just makes you look weak and desperate and needy and clingy.

I left one last voicemail 10 days later because I couldn’t hold out. I now know, dumb.

Women like guys who have self control and you don’t have self control and that’s extremely unattractive, so you’re just making it worse by continuing to pursue, especially leaving message after message when you just got totally got ignored.

I said I get that she’s overwhelmed and to take her time, I’m here, but gone if she’s not into it.

Again, why would you say that, Dude?

She texted me back, saying she appreciated me and the message, but she’s seeing someone right now. Most likely her ex. 

She did tell you that, Dude. You’re just not listening.

I ran into her at the coffee shop the next day, where we chatted for a short period of time, and like an idiot, I said I had to go and gave her a fist bump because she was sweaty from a run. I really wanted to jump her.

Dude, she seeing somebody else.

I now know and am practicing on new dates, speaking my mind, saying what I really think of how they look, and just being myself.

Just as long as it’s attractive things you’re doing and saying.

Practice until the next girl who overwhelms me comes. My question is, I will never contact her again and hope she texts me again in the future. And since she’s watching all of my Snapchat stories despite not being friends, Since I run into this girl a lot in our town, at the coffee shop and the bar, should I smile and wave her over? Or just smile?

Smile and wave to her, don’t wave her over. Because as far as you’re concerned, she’s with the ex. So until she reaches out or comes to see you, or lets you know that she’s not seeing that guy anymore. It’s irrelevant. If she comes over and you haven’t seen her in a few weeks, you’re like, “hey, how are you? How’s things going with the ex? Is that working out?”

Most of the time, if it didn’t work the first time around, it doesn’t work the second or third. If she says, “oh, things are great.” Or she says, “oh, we’re not seeing each other.” “Well, great. Well, why don’t you sit down and we can have an instant date right now?” “Well, what about my friends?” It’s like, “well, the date would just be you and I and not your friends. Besides, I’m cuter than your friends anyways.”

I do get a sense she liked me, three full great dates, but that I acted like a bitch and got treated like a bitch.

Flip a coin. It could go either way. She may or may not reach out in the future. Sounds like you’re going to continue running into her, but she should be the one coming over to you.

Again, thank you for your book, and look forward to reading it over and over and trying your other book as well.

So I assume he’s talking about Mastering Yourself, which is also free to read in the Members Area of the Website if you’re a free Newsletter Member.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly.

If you haven’t already signed up for our Exclusive Premium Members Only Content in the video description of this video, there are links to join YouTube or you can join on Spotify or our Website UnderstandingRelationships.com. Just click the “plans” tab when you get there, you can do a seven day free trial on the Website, and if you choose an annual plan, you can get a 25% discount at the end of the seven day free trial. So go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the “plans” tab. Sign up for a free trial today. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.