What you should do if you suspect your lover is cheating and you have overwhelming evidence that they are cheating, but yet they continue to lie and deny that they are being unfaithful. How to know if your relationship is really salvageable, if it’s realistic to believe that they will change or if you need to leave the relationship and find someone else.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a female viewer who has been seeing a guy for about five months. After two months of dating, she started noticing some read flags that point to dishonesty and infidelity. He often comes to see her with glitter on his face, in his hair, in his bed and often has the scent of other women on him. She never wears glitter, so it’s obviously not coming from her.
He guards his phone with his life and never leaves it lying around. Every time she has confronted him with her suspicions, he blows up and goes into a furious rage of denial. She asks my opinion on what she can do to get him to communicate, admit his infidelity and fix their relationship so she can trust him.
I stumbled onto some of your videos on YouTube here a couple days ago, and I appreciate the candidness and frankness. I know I’ve only heard you coaching men, but I am wondering if you would go out on a limb to give me your opinion on my situation. I’m really upset and torn and heart broken. (I bet deep down you already know what you should do, but you don’t want to admit it.)
I’ve been seeing someone for almost 5 months, and within about 2 months, I started noticing red flags that would point to dishonesty and infidelity. (When you notice those kinds of things with your partner, you can keep them around for sex, but you shouldn’t keep them around for a relationship. Don’t settle, or you will make yourself miserable in the process.) Whenever I’ve brought these suspicions up to him, he explodes and becomes defensive. I know guilty behavior and the body cues, and let me tell you, his body language is telling a different take than what his mouth is. (That tells you all you need to know.)
It’s not all hearsay though. I’ve seen him with glitter on his face and in his beard on several occasions, and I am not a glitter wearing person. He guards his phone with his life, and he doesn’t even keep it in the house at night anymore. (That’s pretty guilty behavior.) He locks it in his truck overnight, or hides it somewhere in the apartment. One time I did see a message, however, from a phone number at 5 am asking him if he was still up this late, and it had texted an address to him. (There is nothing wrong with having multiple partners, but you need to be honest about it.) I never brought it up to him though because that was my proof I needed from him. Oh, and the one time I came home and smelled another person’s products on our bed, his pillow specifically, and I saw there was glitter on his pillow. I could continue with all the little things that keep adding up, but I’ll stop there.
It comes down to this, I’m willing to walk away from it and not look back. I know that this person is a good person, and I am still willing to try to work towards establishing a healthy relationship, but I simply cannot do that if he’s not willing to get honest about the dishonesty and the cheating. (If he was a strong man, he would be honest with you. This guy is a weak bitch. You cannot have a healthy relationship with someone who’s lying, devious and a bad communicator, and it’s not your job to fix him. If you project your fantasy onto someone, you will fall in love with their potential instead of seeing them for who they really are.) I know what I am willing to give to the relationship and commit to the relationship. I feel like a crazy person because I keep beating my head up against the same roadblock, and I still haven’t found a guy who is willing to commit to the same things. (Keep looking. As long as you stay in a relationship with someone like this, you won’t get what you want.) What am I doing wrong that I can’t communicate to him? (You’re not seeing the situation for what it is. Don’t assume things will get better. He’s getting in the way of you meeting the guy you really want.) And as I write my email to you, it becomes clearer in my mind what I need to do. I’m not a doormat. I’m just so sick of dealing with baby boy guys. (It doesn’t serve you to stick around.)
Do you have a dose of reality check you can offer? I’m not a bad person. I’m actually a great person, and people have asked me why I’m still single. (Because you continue to put up with this shit.) Is this relationship salvageable, or I am I being outer limits? What would you do? (You want somebody who places a high value on being loyal and communicating like an adult. This guy is not relationship material.)
Thanks for any help you can offer.
If you have a question you would like me to consider answering in a future Video Coaching Newsletter, you can send it (3-4 paragraphs/500 words max) to this email address: Questions@UnderstandingRelationships.com
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From my heart to yours,
Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“When it comes to interacting with other people, you should learn to trust your gut, feelings and intuition. We often tend to bullshit ourselves when we see and hear things that are not to our liking, by convincing ourselves to not believe in what we see, hear, feel, smell and are observing in our world. We also tend to have a hard time admitting our mistakes, shortcomings, flaws or that what we are doing, whom we are involved with or how we are living our lives, no longer serves us. Sometimes believing and seeing are both wrong. Life is too short to spend it doing things that don’t make you happy or to spend it with people who are not adding value to your life.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne