I get emails from time to time from people who think I need to change who I am so they don’t get offended. I am sure you have plenty of people in your life trying to tell you who you should be and how you should live your life. NEVER try to bend yourself into a pretzel to be what others think you should be. Here’s the email:
Hello Corey,
I read your article. Some fair statements, though I must say that if you cut out the ordinary dialogue/language (i.e., the use of expletives) I think you would get a much better response. I encourage my nieces and nephews to refrain from using a vocabulary that merely promotes their brains to produce biochemicals that create the equivalent feeling in their bodies. Say the word ‘fuck’ and then the brain produces a biochemical equivalent to that word that then tells the body to ‘feel’ that emotion. Now if you constantly use expletives I think you are undermining your effectiveness as a coach, a speaker, an ‘influencer’ of better behavior and action.
From this end, I read your article, but every expletive gave me an impression of your character that made me think twice and actually took away from the content of your article. Look into NLP if you have a chance to understand the power of language. Or read Dr Joe’s book Evolve Your Brain.
Anyway I hope you have not been offended by my email. I am sure you have great intention and purpose in this life, consider the power of effective dialogue. Kind Regards, Anastasia.
Here’s my response:
Hi Anastasia,
I appreciate you taking the time to voice your opinion. Words only have the meanings and emotions that human beings choose to give them.
I am very familiar with NLP and often use it in my work. I was trained by the best. Tony Robbins and his head trainer Joe Williams. I spent a year with the two of them & their top coaches and trainers learning how to do what they do. I’ve read plenty of books on NLP; including books from the founders of NLP. I’ve also been personally coached/trained by the founders of NLP.
I like the use of more colorful metaphors. I am an adult and therefore use adult language in my conversations with other adults. I am not into ass-kissing, phony or inauthentic political correctness or rhetoric. I am real and I tell it like it is. My clients love and appreciate me for my authenticity and can feel I really care for them. I get emails & testimonials all the time stating such. My website has dozens of their testimonials to back that up.
At some point in your life, you were told and accepted the (limiting) belief that “fuck” and other words were inappropriate or bad words to use. These are archaic and asinine beliefs of a dying and morally corrupt religious dogma around the topic of sex. Anything relating to sex or sexual innuendo was forbidden topics and words. I am 41 years old. I love the way I talk. My friends, family, girlfriends, clients and most people I know talk this way. I love who I am. I accept who I am. I am not interested in trying to become like you or anyone else who gets offended at my use of language.
Potential clients who do not like my language or the way I talk, etc. are free to chose to find help elsewhere. There are millions of websites to choose from.
As far as my effectiveness? I am the best in the world at what I do. No one else can help people in the way I can. That is my gift from the Lord. I honor him by being the person he created me to be. I follow and trust my heart and teach others to do the same. When people do that, their lives dramatically change for the better. I’ve been helping people, mentoring at risk children, coaching, etc. for over 15 years now. I’m pretty damn effective. My results speak for themselves. I have also helped transform peoples lives after Tony and Joe were unable to do so. Does that make me better than them? No. I’m just another ordinary guy who takes massive action and accomplishes extraordinary things thru hard work. Here’s a recent testimonial I got the other day:
I’ve been receiving your emails for a few months now and I just want to say that unlike some other weekly or monthly newsletters I get from the likes of David Deangleo and Chris Atwood, yours are consistently entertaining and informative. I actually look forward to reading your emails when they come. I read your 3% Man book about 4 years ago now, and at the time it was exactly what I needed to get me out of a cycle of self-destructive behaviors like doing drugs, messing up at work, and one night stands(which aren’t always bad, but I’m actually a relationship kind of guy at heart) so again, I just wanted to THANK YOU. I remember one of the exercises you talked about in your book being to make a list of all of the things I like and dislike in a women and once I knew exactly what I was looking for, it would come to me. You already know this but you were absolutely right! I’ve been with the woman of my dreams for going on 2 years now, and we plan on getting engaged by the end of 2011. She has no idea the kind of man I was before I met her, I mean I’ve told her some stories but I think half the time she doesn’t even believe me! Anyways, I just wanted to send you a reply back to say thanks and keep up the great work, I guess the only question I have for you is: how do you come up with such great content so consistently? If it’s a trade secret I’ll understand, hahaha! Hey man, you’re a great success model for me so keep doing what you’re doing Corey! Take Care! Sincerely, Jason J.
If you go thru life trying to make other people conform to your worldview and belief system, you are going to be one frustrated person. When you finally learn to love and accept yourself, then and only then will you accept, love and appreciate others who think, talk and act differently than you do.
The biggest reason our society is so fucked up, is everyone is always trying to tell each other how to be, how to act, how to talk, what career or job they should have, etc. Most people are so busy trying to be something they are not, that they make themselves miserable in the process of trying to live. As children we all take on the limiting beliefs of our parents, family, friends and peers. We spend the rest of our lives trying to undue the damage and negative programming just to become comfortable in our own skin and accept ourselves. Most people are too hurt, fearful and damaged to do anything to better themselves. That is why we need more leaders to step up and live their authentic truth thru example. You must be who you are, what you should be is not important.
I love who I am and will change for no one. If that means some people won’t like or accept me, so be it. As my late mother said thousands of times… “you can please some of the people some of the time, but you can’t please all of the people all of the time.”
I will not shrink from who I am so that you or anyone else will not get offended. If you are offended by my language, you have two choices: 1) follow someone else or 2) change the meaning you give to my use of language.
From my heart to yours,
Corey Wayne
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” (from A Return To Love: Reflections on the Principles of A Course in Miracles, Harper Collins, 1992. From Chapter 7, Section 3)
End of my response to Anastasia.
She sent me this email after reading my response…
Thank you for your email Corey. We are on the same mission. We have the same intention. We have studied with and learned from similar masters. We are both doing incredible work. We have both been of great help to people who needed our assistance. Our method might be a little different but the intention is the same. We have nothing to prove to anyone.
God bless and continue to achieve outstanding result.
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Corey Wayne
Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“As long as you stand in your truth, you are unstoppable, nothing can harm you.” – Corey Wayne
Corey Wayne is Life and Peak Performance Coach. He helps men and women to achieve their dreams, discover their purpose, improve their relationships, start a business, improve personal health & fitness, maximize time management, become a superstar in sales, set & achieve their most audacious goals, become a leader, be better team builders, break through their deepest fears and limiting beliefs, overcome difficult life challenges, lose weight and regain balance in all areas of their lives, including personal finances and wealth building.
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Comments
Laurasays
Hey Corey, Have been watching your vids and wondered what you think of the following: He early 50s, successful business leader, community service, sports, a processed, numbers man, recently separated, will be divorced in Sept. She late 40s, never married or romantic relationships, no kids, creative spirit, always put her post grad education, career in education, family (parents etc), community service first. Finally she comes to her senses and realised that life without intimacy is no life at all. Sets up an personal ad. He finds it.. Starts emailing her. He assures her that his marriage definitely over. Both enjoy email exchanges for a number of weeks, sending three or four throughout the day and he sending emails into 3am in the morning. Both have a mind click. He discovers she is “as smart as an ally cat”, “possibly smarter than he”, she delighted to finally “meet” a mind that can keep up with her. He declares he wants to always keep this part of her and that they would have lasting friendship forever. Both people are as strong as each other emotionally.. she is amazed she has found an emotional equal to her, first time ever a man opening her heart. He was not what she was looking for, total opposite, but found he had so many Mr Right qualities, she had to meet. Teased each other with sex stories both wrote to each other. He set poetry, songs.. winning her over. She wanted to meet this man and pushed him to do so. They met after four weeks of writing every day. The chemistry off the charts. She was bought up with 1950s values…and didn’t think at all he would make a move. But this man is good at getting whatever he wants and after two kisses… well.. your three H’s happened. She freaked at 2am. He didn’t want her to leave but she had to escape. Then the fun and games began. She a redhead.. lady in the streets and a freak between the sheets. He was shocked but pleased. Fantastic time for both. Left her four emails to find when she got home. Then she really freaked. He is opposite to her in every way. Then the “relationship” went downhill. She said she knew she would drive him mad because he was so clean… she a free spirit and leads a cluttered life. She did the push pull thing and then he said he can’t commit to anyone as his marriage of 25 years has changed him, not sure of his direction. She was worried because he kept shutting the door and opening it to her. He told her she was intrusive… not feminine enough, not let a man be a man and was worried to find out why she didn’t understand what that was. He said she was intimidating, too accomplished and challenging intellectually. She didn’t care, she loved his manners, kindness and the fact that she felt safe, intimate and like a woman around him. He didn’t want to sleep with her again, and would let their before friendship come back, but still friend zoned her. He said that she is not the type of woman for him but he believed she thought he was the man for her. She didn’t even think beyond tomorrow! How can he make that decision within hours of meeting her and three hundred emails later? She asked just to spend time in the same room as him so that she could read his body language and share a few laughs so that texts and emails wouldn’t get miss read. He kept her at arms length, but always keeping in touch. He got busy at work and emails dropped off. She went nuts and started email “bombing” him asking lots of questions about life in general as she was afraid to lose this amazing man. She was testing him if he could stand up to her as if he could then she realised he could stand up for her, something no one has ever done for her in her life. She is the leader in her community and family, making all the hard decisions as that is what is always been expected. He said his ex wife was softer and opposite to him and that is what he needs. He extrovert, self assured, ordered, take charge man, brain cluttered always seeking a way out until he comes home and becomes shy. She introvert, cluttered, always the eye of the storm of people’s hurricanes but leads people safely home. Then gets to know people and becomes strong, confident , mind is not cluttered and finds her voice in an intimate setting. Now she is lost, not sure what he means if he wants a woman to be opposite to him… how much more opposite can she be? A girlie girl that is not feminine enough??? He finally said enough, financial year is ending here and he can’t cope with her emails or stories or pictures sent. He doesn’t want to be in the same room as her as he knows that their chemistry draws them together. She doesn’t want this thing to stop between them… and doesn’t know where it is heading and just wants to feel her way through it. They had unprotected sex. She contacted him and asked his std status.. she got the idea that he was offended, possibly the first woman that he slept with since his break up. She wrote and said no matter how angry or frustrated they get with each other, she will always trust him and think of him part of her family of friends and believes in him. She had to ask about the status as her doctor ordered her to get the status due to her immune system issues. He didn’t care about her immune system issues, which made her love him as a human. She told him she loved him but not in love with him (under her breath…if enough time spent together in the same room it could possibly happen but she is not sure). She told him the truth that she got scared and ran as her brain wouldn’t be quiet but he was the first man in her whole life to make her feel safe, intimate, cherished, wanted and like a woman. He going on a overseas holiday and if he wanted to come back to her and their friendship, she would be there for him. If not, she thanked him for changing her. She now sad, is wondering will he forget her, will he come back, his words through his emails could make her cry, laugh, sing. Her emails touched his heart, made him cry, angry, feel connected and said that he felt that they had a special connection that moved him across time, space and the universe. She doesn’t regret him, how she saw his soul, mind, body or spirit and told him she thought of him as her mentor and kindred spirit. What now Corey? I have dated, but not had relationships, I’m inexperienced but book smart. I’ve had lots of life experiences that he has not because I didn’t wait for someone to choose me to be their wife, I went out and did things. What did I do wrong? Why is it so wrong to be up front about your achievements, why are some men afraid of strong women that are leaders? Was it bad timing? We had similar life backgrounds, in fact I’m surprised that our lives didn’t cross over many times as we travel in similar social circles, our life paths have crossed over in the place we live (he lives two streets away from my best friend!) He went to a school I taught at, he was born in the same place as my grandmother… and the list goes on and on… I’m lost! Is my friendship with him lost too? Why did he friend zone me when we had everything… mind, body spirit? I even fitted into his five year plan and on top of that he loves redheads…. that is so hard to find, a man that loves real redheads! Please Help?
Hi Laura, I am a a few years older than your friend and a male. If I may, I can offer you a perspective as I can put myself somewhat in your friend’s place. Let me set the table: I am separated after 28 years of marriage. Grown kids. Empty nest. My wife is a great mother. We just began to grow apart at the 20 year mark. I wanted much more as I am a young 60 something and extremely active and blessed. A year ago I met an incredible woman (yes – redhead too) about 14 years younger at a business meeting. We quickly understood each other and our chemistry was off the charts. Totally unexpected – by both of us. Truly caught us both off guard and out of breath.Yes – it can happen this late in life. Most of us though do not expect it. This was the start of a LDR and an adventure. She — like you, is accomplished, highly creative, smart, beautiful and exudes major sex appeal. She has many suitors probably like you. After a first passion filled afternoon of kissing she departed for a flight home. We then developed a friendship over the phone for the next 3 months. We explored each other’s interests across every subject with hour long conversations. When we finally met again it was 3 days of mostly sex, eating and more sex. We knew each other from another life I am sure of that. The connection was deep, intimate and sacred on every level. We continued to see each other a few more times over the Fall. Mostly 3 and 4 days each time. Then a month before the holidays she drew back and wanted space. I am not needy at all – in fact maybe the other extreme of not enough contact (once or twice a week texts and one call every 10 days). I have a lot going on. So does she. We, like you and your friend connected in mind, body and spirit. But – I granted her wish and we did not see each other for about 5 weeks. when we reconnected in my city she could not have been more excited. I was too. We connected well but as the evening went on she distanced herself. I backed off and we agreed to meet for dinner the next night. She canceled on me. Then about 6p she called to say she regretted breaking the date and pleaded with me to meet her. I made other plans after she canceled so I simply could not make it. I ran into her the next morning at the airport by accident. She was apologetic and asked if we could start over. I did not commit to anything except to wish her well. I must add that her mood swings and hot then cold affection may well be to the understandable transition though an intense part of menopause. I appreciate most excuses given are usually lame but this one has proved to be legit for many woman I have known to explain the wide swings in attraction and moods — not just towards romance – but almost anything. I decided to give her a “wide berth” and date other woman and improve myself – all as Corey encourages. I wrote my redhead friend a “Dear John” email with a lovingly heart felt tone that I wanted to end our relationship. That I loved what she provided me and wished her only happiness. Why? Because I (and about 3%of men) simply do not want to be in back-up to another guy or even a back-up period. We then texted each other occasionally and finally 6 months later I visited her city for business. We decided to meet up and ended up spending the weekend together. No sex – but lots of kissing, hugging, tears and laughs. I wanted sex but alas she told me she was seeing someone else. Yes we spent the weekend together and it was intimate. She claims the reason for the abrupt change was she did not think I would “show up” after 6 months. When I did it was too late. I left her house with both of us confused as she was very affectionate the entire weekend with me. Every signal that the relationship was rekindled. I left thinking that would be the last time I ever saw her as I could not be “just friends”. However less than 10 hours after I left she was blowing up my phone. We have agreed to see each other when she is in my city next month. She said she has to make up her mind once and for all. So what does all this have to do with you? Well for one I think the operative part of your email was you loved him but were not “in love”. From a 3% guy perspective I get your man’s view. He is not going to invest too much time in a woman (at our ages and experience at least) when he is told that. From experience the passion is just too low on the richter scale for him when a woman says she is not “in love” in the early stages of a budding relationship. He gave you a clue when he said the chemistry was too explosive. But you backed off so he does not want to be further rejected. Us older guys can handle rejection for sure. What we are not good at all is wasting time. We are driven and have focus. Confident guys are NOT afraid of accomplished women. In fact we are often drawn to them. We only really want to only spend time with a woman and develop a relationship and see how it unfolds. Pretty simple . Any smart guy adores a redhead. So it keeps coming back to allowing a guy to appreciate all of you. Without the sex — and being “in love” we will normally pick up stakes and head to the next one – no matter the other fine attributes of your SO. Laura, it will work out. Hand it over to God and the Universe and amazing things WILL happen for you. Be detached to the outcome and your friend may reappear as did mine.
I agree pretty much with Anastasia. Nevertheless, there is a place for what are colloquially called dirty words and a Corey’s successful track record suggests that his use of them is either perfect or is very close to it.
I was in jail recently due to a bad divorce and noticed that my colleagues (other male prisoners) used profane words very liberally. I didn’t, preferring to express strong feelings with wit. Mutual respect abounded. I got along with my colleagues and the guards very well.
My experience with dirty words is that when someone uses them, that person hasn’t the ability to express a thought with proper care and reverts to eliciting emotions instead. It’s a sign of laziness or stupidity. Corey isn’t lazy or stupid, and his use of dirty words has another explanation. But their use induces different responses in different people, and great skill is needed to anticipate the potential diverse reactions of a wide variety of people.
There is an undertone of arrogance, however, in Corey’s defense of his using them: “Put up or go away; I’m the best.” I have learned considerably from Corey and won’t claim to be outstanding as he is. But during my life as a physician, I have acquired major wisdom and mental-health skill and have cured a woman’s poor self-image in about two minutes. Other patients have told me that I outdid a year of therapy in one visit with me. My politically incorrect commentary on a possible behavioral contributor of autism remains unrebutted (though hate mail has reached me). Sure, I’m not as successful as Corey. But I’m not stupid or ineffective, either. I insist that the use of dirty words can always be prevented by rewording unless the intent is shock value. The only rationale for that shock value seems to be an undertone: “Look at me; I can shock you and you are held hostage by my irreplaceable skill. I enjoy being a bully.” If there’s a different rationale for its use, then perhaps someone can respond to this comment and show us.
Laura says
Hey Corey, Have been watching your vids and wondered what you think of the following: He early 50s, successful business leader, community service, sports, a processed, numbers man, recently separated, will be divorced in Sept. She late 40s, never married or romantic relationships, no kids, creative spirit, always put her post grad education, career in education, family (parents etc), community service first. Finally she comes to her senses and realised that life without intimacy is no life at all. Sets up an personal ad. He finds it.. Starts emailing her. He assures her that his marriage definitely over. Both enjoy email exchanges for a number of weeks, sending three or four throughout the day and he sending emails into 3am in the morning. Both have a mind click. He discovers she is “as smart as an ally cat”, “possibly smarter than he”, she delighted to finally “meet” a mind that can keep up with her. He declares he wants to always keep this part of her and that they would have lasting friendship forever. Both people are as strong as each other emotionally.. she is amazed she has found an emotional equal to her, first time ever a man opening her heart. He was not what she was looking for, total opposite, but found he had so many Mr Right qualities, she had to meet. Teased each other with sex stories both wrote to each other. He set poetry, songs.. winning her over. She wanted to meet this man and pushed him to do so. They met after four weeks of writing every day. The chemistry off the charts. She was bought up with 1950s values…and didn’t think at all he would make a move. But this man is good at getting whatever he wants and after two kisses… well.. your three H’s happened. She freaked at 2am. He didn’t want her to leave but she had to escape. Then the fun and games began. She a redhead.. lady in the streets and a freak between the sheets. He was shocked but pleased. Fantastic time for both. Left her four emails to find when she got home. Then she really freaked. He is opposite to her in every way. Then the “relationship” went downhill. She said she knew she would drive him mad because he was so clean… she a free spirit and leads a cluttered life. She did the push pull thing and then he said he can’t commit to anyone as his marriage of 25 years has changed him, not sure of his direction. She was worried because he kept shutting the door and opening it to her. He told her she was intrusive… not feminine enough, not let a man be a man and was worried to find out why she didn’t understand what that was. He said she was intimidating, too accomplished and challenging intellectually. She didn’t care, she loved his manners, kindness and the fact that she felt safe, intimate and like a woman around him. He didn’t want to sleep with her again, and would let their before friendship come back, but still friend zoned her. He said that she is not the type of woman for him but he believed she thought he was the man for her. She didn’t even think beyond tomorrow! How can he make that decision within hours of meeting her and three hundred emails later? She asked just to spend time in the same room as him so that she could read his body language and share a few laughs so that texts and emails wouldn’t get miss read. He kept her at arms length, but always keeping in touch. He got busy at work and emails dropped off. She went nuts and started email “bombing” him asking lots of questions about life in general as she was afraid to lose this amazing man. She was testing him if he could stand up to her as if he could then she realised he could stand up for her, something no one has ever done for her in her life. She is the leader in her community and family, making all the hard decisions as that is what is always been expected. He said his ex wife was softer and opposite to him and that is what he needs. He extrovert, self assured, ordered, take charge man, brain cluttered always seeking a way out until he comes home and becomes shy. She introvert, cluttered, always the eye of the storm of people’s hurricanes but leads people safely home. Then gets to know people and becomes strong, confident , mind is not cluttered and finds her voice in an intimate setting. Now she is lost, not sure what he means if he wants a woman to be opposite to him… how much more opposite can she be? A girlie girl that is not feminine enough??? He finally said enough, financial year is ending here and he can’t cope with her emails or stories or pictures sent. He doesn’t want to be in the same room as her as he knows that their chemistry draws them together. She doesn’t want this thing to stop between them… and doesn’t know where it is heading and just wants to feel her way through it. They had unprotected sex. She contacted him and asked his std status.. she got the idea that he was offended, possibly the first woman that he slept with since his break up. She wrote and said no matter how angry or frustrated they get with each other, she will always trust him and think of him part of her family of friends and believes in him. She had to ask about the status as her doctor ordered her to get the status due to her immune system issues. He didn’t care about her immune system issues, which made her love him as a human. She told him she loved him but not in love with him (under her breath…if enough time spent together in the same room it could possibly happen but she is not sure). She told him the truth that she got scared and ran as her brain wouldn’t be quiet but he was the first man in her whole life to make her feel safe, intimate, cherished, wanted and like a woman. He going on a overseas holiday and if he wanted to come back to her and their friendship, she would be there for him. If not, she thanked him for changing her. She now sad, is wondering will he forget her, will he come back, his words through his emails could make her cry, laugh, sing. Her emails touched his heart, made him cry, angry, feel connected and said that he felt that they had a special connection that moved him across time, space and the universe. She doesn’t regret him, how she saw his soul, mind, body or spirit and told him she thought of him as her mentor and kindred spirit. What now Corey? I have dated, but not had relationships, I’m inexperienced but book smart. I’ve had lots of life experiences that he has not because I didn’t wait for someone to choose me to be their wife, I went out and did things. What did I do wrong? Why is it so wrong to be up front about your achievements, why are some men afraid of strong women that are leaders? Was it bad timing? We had similar life backgrounds, in fact I’m surprised that our lives didn’t cross over many times as we travel in similar social circles, our life paths have crossed over in the place we live (he lives two streets away from my best friend!) He went to a school I taught at, he was born in the same place as my grandmother… and the list goes on and on… I’m lost! Is my friendship with him lost too? Why did he friend zone me when we had everything… mind, body spirit? I even fitted into his five year plan and on top of that he loves redheads…. that is so hard to find, a man that loves real redheads! Please Help?
Steve Tiel says
Hi Laura, I am a a few years older than your friend and a male. If I may, I can offer you a perspective as I can put myself somewhat in your friend’s place. Let me set the table: I am separated after 28 years of marriage. Grown kids. Empty nest. My wife is a great mother. We just began to grow apart at the 20 year mark. I wanted much more as I am a young 60 something and extremely active and blessed. A year ago I met an incredible woman (yes – redhead too) about 14 years younger at a business meeting. We quickly understood each other and our chemistry was off the charts. Totally unexpected – by both of us. Truly caught us both off guard and out of breath.Yes – it can happen this late in life. Most of us though do not expect it. This was the start of a LDR and an adventure. She — like you, is accomplished, highly creative, smart, beautiful and exudes major sex appeal. She has many suitors probably like you. After a first passion filled afternoon of kissing she departed for a flight home. We then developed a friendship over the phone for the next 3 months. We explored each other’s interests across every subject with hour long conversations. When we finally met again it was 3 days of mostly sex, eating and more sex. We knew each other from another life I am sure of that. The connection was deep, intimate and sacred on every level. We continued to see each other a few more times over the Fall. Mostly 3 and 4 days each time. Then a month before the holidays she drew back and wanted space. I am not needy at all – in fact maybe the other extreme of not enough contact (once or twice a week texts and one call every 10 days). I have a lot going on. So does she. We, like you and your friend connected in mind, body and spirit. But – I granted her wish and we did not see each other for about 5 weeks. when we reconnected in my city she could not have been more excited. I was too. We connected well but as the evening went on she distanced herself. I backed off and we agreed to meet for dinner the next night. She canceled on me. Then about 6p she called to say she regretted breaking the date and pleaded with me to meet her. I made other plans after she canceled so I simply could not make it. I ran into her the next morning at the airport by accident. She was apologetic and asked if we could start over. I did not commit to anything except to wish her well. I must add that her mood swings and hot then cold affection may well be to the understandable transition though an intense part of menopause. I appreciate most excuses given are usually lame but this one has proved to be legit for many woman I have known to explain the wide swings in attraction and moods — not just towards romance – but almost anything. I decided to give her a “wide berth” and date other woman and improve myself – all as Corey encourages. I wrote my redhead friend a “Dear John” email with a lovingly heart felt tone that I wanted to end our relationship. That I loved what she provided me and wished her only happiness. Why? Because I (and about 3%of men) simply do not want to be in back-up to another guy or even a back-up period. We then texted each other occasionally and finally 6 months later I visited her city for business. We decided to meet up and ended up spending the weekend together. No sex – but lots of kissing, hugging, tears and laughs. I wanted sex but alas she told me she was seeing someone else. Yes we spent the weekend together and it was intimate. She claims the reason for the abrupt change was she did not think I would “show up” after 6 months. When I did it was too late. I left her house with both of us confused as she was very affectionate the entire weekend with me. Every signal that the relationship was rekindled. I left thinking that would be the last time I ever saw her as I could not be “just friends”. However less than 10 hours after I left she was blowing up my phone. We have agreed to see each other when she is in my city next month. She said she has to make up her mind once and for all. So what does all this have to do with you? Well for one I think the operative part of your email was you loved him but were not “in love”. From a 3% guy perspective I get your man’s view. He is not going to invest too much time in a woman (at our ages and experience at least) when he is told that. From experience the passion is just too low on the richter scale for him when a woman says she is not “in love” in the early stages of a budding relationship. He gave you a clue when he said the chemistry was too explosive. But you backed off so he does not want to be further rejected. Us older guys can handle rejection for sure. What we are not good at all is wasting time. We are driven and have focus. Confident guys are NOT afraid of accomplished women. In fact we are often drawn to them. We only really want to only spend time with a woman and develop a relationship and see how it unfolds. Pretty simple . Any smart guy adores a redhead. So it keeps coming back to allowing a guy to appreciate all of you. Without the sex — and being “in love” we will normally pick up stakes and head to the next one – no matter the other fine attributes of your SO. Laura, it will work out. Hand it over to God and the Universe and amazing things WILL happen for you. Be detached to the outcome and your friend may reappear as did mine.
Edward Harshman says
I agree pretty much with Anastasia. Nevertheless, there is a place for what are colloquially called dirty words and a Corey’s successful track record suggests that his use of them is either perfect or is very close to it.
I was in jail recently due to a bad divorce and noticed that my colleagues (other male prisoners) used profane words very liberally. I didn’t, preferring to express strong feelings with wit. Mutual respect abounded. I got along with my colleagues and the guards very well.
My experience with dirty words is that when someone uses them, that person hasn’t the ability to express a thought with proper care and reverts to eliciting emotions instead. It’s a sign of laziness or stupidity. Corey isn’t lazy or stupid, and his use of dirty words has another explanation. But their use induces different responses in different people, and great skill is needed to anticipate the potential diverse reactions of a wide variety of people.
There is an undertone of arrogance, however, in Corey’s defense of his using them: “Put up or go away; I’m the best.” I have learned considerably from Corey and won’t claim to be outstanding as he is. But during my life as a physician, I have acquired major wisdom and mental-health skill and have cured a woman’s poor self-image in about two minutes. Other patients have told me that I outdid a year of therapy in one visit with me. My politically incorrect commentary on a possible behavioral contributor of autism remains unrebutted (though hate mail has reached me). Sure, I’m not as successful as Corey. But I’m not stupid or ineffective, either. I insist that the use of dirty words can always be prevented by rewording unless the intent is shock value. The only rationale for that shock value seems to be an undertone: “Look at me; I can shock you and you are held hostage by my irreplaceable skill. I enjoy being a bully.” If there’s a different rationale for its use, then perhaps someone can respond to this comment and show us.