Never Chase After Being Dumped

Comments

1. ??? says

   July 25, 2016 at 4:16 pm

   Thank you…so much…

   Reply

2. Markku says

   October 16, 2016 at 1:18 am

   Women are shadyest fcks ever. They do 100% to get you, mess your head over years and when you finally take them naturally and a part of your life who you have to take care of, they leave.
   Coreys work is 100% correct. Summary would be : always focus on yourself, keep other women always up for options and never let no women under your skin, no matter how many years of work they put into – NEVER forget it.
   Any long relationship is a waste of life.

   Reply

3. P says

   May 27, 2019 at 6:52 am

   Hi Corey,

   I’d like your advice please.

   I’m a mid-forties guy, extremely confident, ambitious etc., who has never had any problem attracting lovely women or keeping them for many years. I’m a serial monogamist. I am respectful to women, see them as equals and am not comfortable ‘playing games’.

   About 6 months ago, my partner of 10 years who is 13 years younger than me, broke up with me out of the blue (in hindsight there were clues but at the time I attributed them to her being unwell and exhausted). When I met her she was inexperienced in relationships (only 21) so when we started to get serious I gave her some ‘rules’ for managing relationships – namely, communication is king, always try to raise issues/concerns before they become real problems, always be forthright (i.e. don’t drop hints, cos guys tend to miss them) and never make love if you don’t actually feel like it. At the end, she managed to forget/ignore all these.

   We’d always been good at communicating. We almost never argued and when we did worked it out well and were happy to disagree. We have so much in common. Our relationship was, for both of us, absolutely fantastic. I have a grown-up daughter from a previous relationship and from day one told her I was not interested in starting again and that I was not keen on marriage as a concept either. About 3 years ago, not long after we moved in together, she said she was really broody. I said at the time that she would have to leave me and do that with someone else but that she should keep talking about the issue if her broodiness stayed/returned because you never know what might happen to change my mind.

   Gradually, I changed my mind. I love kids even if they are exhausting! I love her like no-one else, ever. Although I maintained my independence, I did perhaps look after her too readily (she was a long-term student). I waited until she got a job and was in a position of independence to tell her I’d changed my mind about marriage and kids. In hindsight it’s obvious that she’d given up on me/us and that I was too accommodating financially and emotionally.

   One of the reasons I loved her is that she was not a ‘typical’ woman, she was quite logical. It turns out she is like a typical woman. Literally three weeks before I popped the question, and with no warning she came out with ‘do we need counselling?’ then over the next couple of weeks mentioned the baby issue – obviously expecting a flat ‘no’ so that she could break up with me but I said ‘yes’, then came ‘I need to be on my own because I’ve become selfish and lazy’, then came ‘we need to break up because I’m not sure I want to be with you anymore’ then ‘someone asked me out recently and I found myself thinking that if I was single, I might have said yes’ and eventually ‘I don’t want to be intimate with you anymore’, whilst also saying she was ‘hopeful’ we could resolve things.

   Within a few days of breaking up, she was dating a new guy and has posted images of them snogging on social media, updated her profile pics to be one or her and him etc. I know him. Everyone in my community knows him. He is a meretricious, serial sexual predator, known for targeting ‘vulnerable’ women, usually going for those in long-term relationships.

   I should have kicked her out and stopped communicating. Problem is I was really worried about her because she categorically stated that I owe her money (I don’t) that she does not owe me money (she does), has not betrayed me, was not dishonest, had told no lies, was not obfuscatory and had not drip-fed me information, that the new guy was not the cause, and saying she didn’t want to ‘string me along’ yet doing everything to make that a certainty.

   When I met her she was mentally ill. I encouraged her to come off her medication and it worked. She has displayed no signs of mental illness for 8 years. She is very confident (at least outwardly). She still tended to value herself according to her approval by others and works too hard to achieve this, often exhausting herself, especially true at the time of our break up.

   So, obviously I worried about her mental state and tried to explain a few things by letter including pointing out that although I didn’t condemn her for it, she had lied etc. but she responded with ‘I haven’t, I would never’. My worry meant I stopped sleeping and wrote too much/too often and some of my own writing became confused because of her self-contradiction. Then she started saying I should be ashamed, that I was ‘abusive’ and threatened to call the police. Her family say she is not mentally ill. I think I believe them, although I know her better than her family and she is definitely not right in the head and is presumably not being honest with them either. Anyway, I stopped writing in case I had gone mad myself and was being abusive.

   Now 6 months on, I decided it was time to re-read our messages. I am confident that they are not abusive. I have shown them to friends, who agree with me. Occasionally confused (due to her self-contradictory, out-of-character behaviour), sometimes critical but always tempered with understanding and a possible explanation etc.

   I still worry about her (I know I shouldn’t). I am getting on with my life OK, made changes, enjoying my freedom etc. Although logically I see I’ve had a lucky/close escape, I still love her and I want her back (if she can accept what she did ‘wrong’). I know the way to do this is to carry on as I am, hope that she ‘wakes up’ or her friends suss out the other guy, or his history catches up with him but I don’t have time (she might get pregnant by him, I don’t want teenage kids when I’m over 65!).

   Most of all though, I don’t want to stand for this outcome where she re-directed her failings to me and has designated me as the offender and the one who has been out of order in their behaviour.

   So. Do I write again or not? If I do write – how can I balance my need to re-iterate that she has lied etc and I have no reason to be ashamed and that she is the one who should be ashamed whilst also trying to make it ‘attractive’. That seems like an impossible task. Do I write something nice, funny, flirty to re-stablish contact and hope that we can address the ‘conflict’ eventually? Or do I approach her family or a friend and just say why I am worried about her? Or do you have some other, better idea?

   Any thoughts gratefully received. All the best.

   Reply