In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who has been married to his wife for ten years. He says that he was a jerk for the first seven years of their marriage, and the last three years have mostly been heaven. After his wife did not react the way he expected when he tried to do something nice for her, he told her he wanted a break. Then he met a hot younger woman who knocked his socks off. Two weeks later, she backed away saying she needed space. He was heartbroken. He and his wife have been living as roommates since he told her he wanted a break. Now he says, he thinks he was being a stupid husband, and now he wants his wife back. The problem is, now she does not want him back. He asks my opinion. My comments are in (bold parenthesis like this below) in the body of his email.
Thank you so much for all your videos. You helped me so much during hard times. I’ve read your book 5 times now, and I’m working on the 6th.So I have been with my lady for 10 years. One day, I wanted to give her an extra special gift, one day after black Friday, a $1K TV. I woke her up, she hates that, but I thought she would like the surprise. She got super mad, so I told her what the surprise was. She told me I can buy the one I want, and “please leave me alone.” I got upset and went back to bed. Ten minutes after, she said okay, lets go get the TV. We went, but I was in a bad mood all day.
(That tells me that because your wife was in a shitty mood, you allowed that to diminish you. The purpose of all relationships is, you go there to give. What happened here? Her behavior didn’t match your expectations. We all suffer when we want somebody to do something different than what they do, or when we want our circumstances to be different than they are. All you really have control over is what you do and the meanings you assign to things.)
This is just an example of how difficult is to do something good for her, even though I always try to make her happy. And we’ve been together for 10 years, but I was a total ASSHOLE for the first 7 years. The last 3 years were heaven, with some little small discussions like this one.
The next day, I covered a shift at work, I’m a bartender. I was still upset about the TV, so I met a new, younger girl, who was 22. She knocked my socks off. We dated for 2 weeks, she needed space, and I got heart broken. (That tells me, when you start dating a really pretty girl, you put her on a pedestal, you kiss her ass too much and you get blown off. For most men, that is the experience when they get around somebody they really like. They get friend-zoned and heartbroken.)The problem is, during those 2 weeks, I told my wife we should get some distance, because I wasn’t happy, stupid I know, so we decided to be roommates. (You thought you found somebody new, younger, hotter, better, more fun and you were like, fuck it. You have to ask yourself, was it just a reaction to that thing with the TV, or is this something that’s always been in the back of your mind your whole life? We’re not assholes to people we respect. When we’re around people we respect, we’re nice to them. When we’re not nice to people, that tends to be because they’re doing things we don’t respect. Maybe it’s how they’re living their lives, or in this particular case, she wasn’t treating you the way you wanted, and you’re like, fuck it. I met this girl, I’m going to go explore it.)
I got over the new girl after a month, 45 days since the TV problem, then I tried to get back together with my wife, but she didn’t want anything to do with me anymore. Now she’s saying that it’s better if we live in different houses, because sleeping in the same bed, we unconsciously hug each other in the middle of the night, and that doesn’t help her to get totally over me. (That’s okay if you really, truly want your wife back, and you’re not just wanting her back because it’s easy. When things go sideways in life, they don’t go the way you expect, the pain is life’s way of saying, hey you need to move in a new direction.)
She is going out to Friday’s to meet new people. I picked her up from that hang out once, because she asked me. I know she hasn’t meet a guy yet, but I’m sure she’s browsing around until someone good comes along. How can I get her back? (Focus on you. Focus on what you want, and tell her what you want. But deep down, do you really want your wife back, or do are you just wanting her back because you haven’t met somebody better? At some point in life, you may realize you’ve been lying to yourself.)
I know I’m an idiot, and I need another opportunity. Should I get out of the place? (If you’re trying to get her back, no. You are the rock. You are the mountain. You’re not going anywhere. “This is our home. I love you. I want to work it out. I’m sorry I was an asshole.”)Maybe by the time you read this, I’m out of the house. She still texted me and called me during the first 3 weeks, made my laundry and breakfast still, but she doesn’t anymore. Now I know I’m out for good, and I realize I’m an idiot for letting her go. What should I do? (Review my article and video, “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back.” If she doesn’t want to give you another chance, and she moves out and leaves, as far as divorce goes, let her drive that train. I wouldn’t go get a divorce attorney or any of that. Just say, “I want to work it out. Call me if you change your mind.” I would not be the one to leave.)
Thank you so much for everything. I really need your help. I’m browsing for a therapist also, because I can’t stop crying, and I don’t think it’s for her only. There’s some shit in my life that hurts deeply. (I would say after reading that statement, calling and reaching out to a therapist is a great idea, because really, you’ve got to fix you. You’ve got to take care of you first. You’ve got to become the kind of person you want to attract. I would say, deep down, like most guys, you’ve never been with the kind of quality woman you really felt like you deserved, and this young, hot 22-year old came along and stirred that within you. That’s the universe’s way of saying, pay attention. Human beings are driven by emotions, and we use logic and reason to justify our purchase. If we really feel something strong internally, emotionally regarding our heart, we’ve got to listen to that, because our feelings are always our truth.)
Thank you again,
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From my heart to yours,
Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“Fear is the greatest obstacle to overcoming challenges and reaching your full potential. Fear tells you it won’t work out, you won’t be loved, you’re not good enough, they won’t like you, they won’t hire you, you don’t deserve to make more money, you’re not smart enough, you’ve got to be realistic, life will never get any better, etc., etc. Attachments to the way things are or the way things have always been is like a boat anchor keeping you tied to limited ways of thinking and being that you must let go of in order to follow your heart, so you can go from where you are right now to where you want to be in the future. Sooner or later, we all will run out of time and will breathe our last breath. You can either die with a smile on your face for a life well lived, having reached your full potential, or die with a frown on your face for a life full of regrets and what-ifs for having played it safe and being too adverse to taking risks. Being mediocre is the result of being too scared to do things that are outside of our comfort zone. Becoming what we dream of is the result of doing things that scare us, despite our fears.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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