How to attract your girl back effortlessly when you have done things to drive her away.
In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who got dumped by his girlfriend after liking other girls posts on Instagram. They have a baby girl together. He left and got his own place. Even after he moved out, she keeps reaching out, often for pointless things. He says they are now hooking up 1-2 times per week.
He feels like she over reacted by ending the relationship. She admits that up until the breakup, their relationship was really great. He wants to know what to do going forward. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
For those of you that are in a situation where you’re trying to attract an ex back for whatever reason, maybe you were dating a girl you really liked. You thought she’s going to be your future ex-girlfriend or future ex-wife, and by the third date she ghosts you or she friend-zones you, tells you she needs space or you were dating a girl and she dumped you.
In this particular case, this guy and his girlfriend had been together three years. They have a baby daughter together, and she left him about five or six weeks ago because he was liking other girl’s posts on Instagram. As far as he tells me in the email, that’s all that really happened. His now ex-girlfriend says before that, their relationship was amazing. So he’s slowly working on attracting her back.
This is a really good video or email for you guys that are in this situation. They’re hanging out, they’re having fun, they’re occasionally hooking up. She’s occasionally putting the brakes on things. So he does a good job of creating the conditions where she feels free to stay, to go, whatever, because as Thich Nhat Hanh said, “You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free.”
My name’s Bob, my ex-girlfriend of three years (and a baby girl together) left me around 5-6 weeks ago. She left me for liking other girl’s photos on Instagram, which her friend screen-shotted and sent to her.
That’s a very helpful friend. I mean, why are you liking another girl’s photos? Come on. That’s kind of an obvious thing. The thirst is real. What can you say?
We lived together and she allowed me time to find another place.
Well as I discussed in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back, if somebody wants to break it off, I would have been saying initially, “Look, it’s just some posts that I liked and your friend is trying to break us up and now you want to break up because of that? I don’t agree with that. If you want to break our family apart, then you’re going to be the one to leave. The man should not be the one to leave his kingdom, but what’s done is done.” He moved out anyways and got his own place, so we’ll work with what we have.
She said I made her feel self conscious by doing this and that she kept comparing herself to these girls’ photos after.
This is totally true. Any time you are either liking another girl’s pictures or talking about other women or referencing an old girlfriend and behaviors that you really liked that your old girlfriend did, your current girlfriend is going to feel like you’re comparing her to the ex or these other girls or whatever. Just keep that in mind.
You got to remember, you got to be thinking, what are you doing? What are you saying? How most importantly, its going to make her feel, because women really care about how they feel about you. So it’s important before you say something or you do something, you think, “How is this going to make her feel?” Because whatever you make her feel is what she’s going to associate with being with you. Obviously, in her eyes, it’s disloyal behavior.
I mean, if you’re happy, if you’re content in a relationship, you’re not fan-girling other chicks on Instagram, you’re just not going to do those things. Quite frankly, as a man, you shouldn’t be on there doing that shit anyway. You should be busy with your purpose and your mission. Hanging out with your friends, your family, in this case, spending time with your baby girl, because just like that, she’s going to grow up and be gone, and you’ll be shocked at how quickly it goes.
I actually did well to not beg and plead and told her that I thought we were amazing together and that whilst…
He’s obviously from the U.K., I assume, or maybe Australia…
…I don’t agree with the reasoning behind our breakup, I understand.
Like I said earlier, I wouldn’t have moved out. That’s what’s discussed in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back, especially if you’re married and you’re living together and you’ve got kids that are older, the worst thing the guy could do is leave the master suite and go sleep in a guest room, on the couch or go sleep at somebody else’s house, because if the wife or the girlfriend that you live with and you have children with is telling you to hit the bricks and she doesn’t want to stay together, your attitude should be like, “I’m not going anywhere. This is my castle. I love you. I want to work on our relationship. If you don’t want to work on our relationship, if you want to end it, then you’re going to leave. Then you’re going to have to explain it to our kids as to why you’re breaking the family apart.”
If the guy leaves, then it looks like he’s guilty. Again, he already left. For those of you guys that are watching this that are in that situation, pay attention.
Anyway since moving out we’ve stayed in regular contact, I tried to do no contact but she just kept reaching out with what seemed like pointless things.
Because she wants your attention. Because she obviously misses you and she still cares about you. Quite frankly, if all you were doing was just liking other girl’s posts on Instagram, that’s kind of a silly thing to break up over. The bottom line is you’re displaying disloyal behavior, so that’s on you.
I immediately put a plan in place for the days and times I would have our daughter.
This is important for you guys to have kids, because I see this question a lot, especially if you’re trying to do no contact when you’re in a relationship or you’re living together in the same house or you’re living in separate houses, is that you want to have all the arrangements with your children handled ahead of time on schedule. So there’s no reason for you to have to reach out to her, because what you’re trying to do is create the conditions where you never have to reach out at all. Everything’s arranged ahead of time and this is a smart way to do it. That way, if she’s reaching out to you, it’s her idea.
She does it because, especially if you get the arrangements with the kids handled it ahead of time on the phone, she doesn’t have to text you to talk about those things because it can be confusing. If you’re trying to attract her back and she’s calling you about things about the kids, then sometimes you’re going to be wondering, “Is it really about the kids or is she just calling me because she wants to talk to me?”
By getting all of these arrangements made ahead of time, you’re not sitting there confused, wondering. Like he says, he notices that she’s contacting him a lot for pointless reasons. So if your arrangements with the family and the children are already on the schedule and you have no reason to contact her and she has no reason to contact you, and yet she still is, to discuss yoga routines or whatever it happens to be, then you know she’s reaching out because she’s missing you and she’s trying to create an opportunity for something to happen.
Remember, women typically don’t ask you out. It makes it easier to interpret things and interpret her behavior without it being clouded with arrangements for the children. So it’s super important for you guys that are in that situation.
She has admitted to speaking to other guys, even going for a single drink with one of them, which she said she didn’t enjoy herself and she wouldn’t be seeing him again. We have been sleeping together 1-2 times a week.
It’s also possible you’ve got to consider, was there another guy in the picture? The fact that you were liking other girl’s posts on Instagram, just her reason to pick a fight and blow the relationship up because she’d become attracted to another guy? That happens a lot, too. Again, I don’t know enough about this situation, but from what it sounds like, we’re just going to trust that this guy has been paying attention and that’s not the case.
However she kept wanting me to be around her and the sex kind of disappeared, so I put my foot down and explained that I couldn’t be her platonic friend and that I couldn’t keep being around her and not be able to touch, kiss or have sex with her.
That’s right out of 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back. It’s an article and video I did. It’s on my website.
At first she got quite angry and said, “If that’s all you care about when you’re around me, then fine.”
When a woman says that’s fine, it’s not fine. The reality is, you’re drawing a line in the sand and you’re saying, “Hey, if you’re going to call and text me all the time, I’m interested in sex and romance. I’m not going to become your gay male girlfriend or your therapist or your backup plan while you explore things with other dudes.” Not that you’re going to say this to her, but you’re just letting her know, “Hey, I’m interested in sex and romance and fixing our relationship and keeping our family together. I’m not interested in becoming your pal. You either are all in or all out.”
I smirked and said, “Look, I’m open to friends with benefits,” and that night we slept together…
That’s another thing that’s really important. When a woman uses the F word, the “friends” word, you just quickly just say, “I think Friends with Benefits is a great idea. I’m down with that.” When you say friends with benefits, it shows you’re not attached, you’re not trying to lock her down, but you want sex and intimacy. Friends with benefits.
So any time you hear a girl say, “Well, I just want to be friends,” just say, “Friends with Benefits works for me.” It makes it clear.
Which was great too. I haven’t spoke to her since and I’m just gonna let her come to me each time and when she does, I’ll just suggest meeting up in person.
This is the right way to do it, because that way, all the arrangements with the children are handled ahead of time. So if she’s reaching out and now at this point, they’re hooking up again, just like in 3% Man, if she’s reaching out, what does that mean? Obviously, she wants to see you and wants your sexy body. So create an opportunity for sex to happen. Hang out, have fun, hook up. That’s it. No, “Let’s get back together. Let’s be in a relationship.” None of that.
I haven’t mentioned labels to her nor am I focused on that currently as I know there’s other guys in the picture, but I’m sure they will take themselves out of the situation when they realize she’s a busy woman with lots of children and she works, and that she hasn’t got the time to sit around texting all day.
Again, one thing I will say is just keep your spidey sense aware. Again, just because you’re liking Instagram pictures then she breaks up and all of a sudden there’s dudes? Could be another guy, could be something going on, just something to be aware of and to look out for.
When we met I did none of this, I set dates and said, “Great I’ll see you then,” which I think confused her but obviously attracted her and she wasn’t use to it!
Yeah, that’s what a man is. He’s direct. He’s decisive. He gets right to the point. He goes for what he wants, which is her naked in his bed.
The majority of the relationship was amazing and she admits that too, before all this we were even planning to have another baby together! I’ll let her go off and have her fun, do her thing and maybe she will realize that grass isn’t greener over the hill!
Well, it’s got to be her idea to come back. Maybe there had to be other things going on just because of the Instagram post. Because typically, if a woman is in love with you, she’s not going to dump you over you liking some other girl’s pictures on Instagram, unless there’s more to the story that he’s conveniently left out, which guys tend to do when they write me. Like I said, I can only go off of what he tells me.
Do you think that there will be another chance for us in the future?
You mean another opportunity for sex to happen? Sure. If she’s chasing you, if she’s doing all the pursuing like she should be under 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back, I would say it’s pretty likely. Just stick to that. Hang out, have fun, hook up. You also should be keeping your options open. What will help you is if you’re obviously hooking up with her, you’re not going to be super thirsty and that’s going to help you give off the right vibe to cause other women to become interested in you.
(BTW I’ve read your book eight times and am continuing to read).
Thanks for everything you teach us men, on how to be men, I appreciate it so much.
Hopefully I hear back from you! Peace!
Well Bob, your situation is a pretty simple one because she’s already coming back. You’ve already moved out. You’ve got past the other things. She tried to friend-zone you. You said, “Hey, I’m open to friends with benefits.” That’s a perfect way to handle it. Therefore, you got back to the Promised Land. So now it’s really just on her.
Like I said, it just seems unusual for her to dump you over you liking some Instagram posts. So there’s got to be something else going on. Or maybe you’d been screwing up long before and she’d already lost attraction for you. The fact that there’s all these other dudes in the background, I just would be paying attention to that. Just be like Sherlock Holmes. Just see what’s out there. Look around, don’t overreact. Just pay attention.
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.
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