A Breakup Can Be A Breakthrough

How a bad breakup can lead to a breakthrough and expose your blind spots to fix.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email update from a viewer whose previous email I answered in, “Friends With Benefits Or Walk Away & Never Look Back?” He shares that he found out his now ex-girlfriend was cheating on him the whole time they were together. She told him he deserved it because he was a terrible boyfriend. He shares how he failed to properly vet her for character and what he learned that enabled him to have a breakthrough. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne and this is my Video Coaching Newsletter. And the topic of today’s Newsletter is going to be, “A Breakup Can Be A Breakthrough.”

Well, this particular email is a follow up to a viewer’s email that I answered at the end of last year. Uh, that video, Newsletter was titled, “Friends With Benefits Or Walk Away & Never Look Back?” So this guy basically found out that his now ex-girlfriend was cheating on him the whole time they were together, and she basically said that he deserved it because in her words, “he was a shitty boyfriend.” Sounds like such a lovely woman.

And so he shares kind of now after the fact that he’s been licking his wounds, he’s looking back on it and realizing that he just didn’t vet her properly. He got carried away on his emotions and didn’t remain objective. And then he got involved with a woman who just had really low character. So it’s a good email because in life, when it comes to being a self-reliant human being, you got to be honest with yourself.

You got to admit when you screwed up and you made mistakes because you can’t solve problems unless you can talk openly and honestly about them. And if you just focus on your feelings that you have for somebody and how much you like them, which is typical. When we start dating somebody new, we always focus on what we like about them. But over time, and especially when the breakup comes, or around the time of the breakup, we’re usually focusing on all the things that we don’t like about them.

So it’s important before you get carried away in La La Land and just pay attention to your feelings about a girl, and you ignore her lack of character or her dishonesty, or the fact her stories are always changing or they don’t line up. She’ll tell you something today, and 2 or 3 weeks from now, she’ll be talking about it again. But you’ll get a different version of the story.

So it’s a good email to learn from because this guy is being honest with himself and he’s realizing that he screwed up. Because if it’s not your fault and you don’t want to take any ownership for your choices, because again, at the time that they were together, that was his best thinking. But if you’re not willing to be honest, it’s you’ll just end up making the same mistake again in the future.

So let’s go through his email.

Viewer Email:

Hey Coach

Thanks for responding to my email in a video newsletter. Just wanted to give a brief update on my situation and I think some of my reflections could be valuable to others out there learning to become a 3% Man. To summarize, I didn’t listen, and I can tell you with 110% certainty that your teaching has literally never been wrong once, and every time I have strayed from them, it has bit me in the ass.

Well, that’s why I say all the time if you’re new here, if you think I’m full of shit, if you read my book, which you can read for free at UnderstandingRelationships.com, just subscribe to the email newsletter, and you apply what’s in this Book and you take it serious. If you really want to get this part of your life handled once and for all, you’ll read it to 10 to 15 times that I suggest, as quickly as possible. And then from that point going forward, you’ll go back to The Book at least once or twice a year.

Because what you do often you do best. And where guys go wrong is they kind of get away from The Book, especially when they get into a long term relationship. It’s like they kind of go back to sleep and they just keep consuming traditional TV, movies, media, and they basically brainwash themselves into accepting and acting upon dysfunctional archetypes that just causes things to go sideways in their relationships.

The person I wrote to you about in my email was probably the most manipulative person I have ever met. However, exactly like you teach, it is my responsibility to not allow certain behaviors / people in my life.

Yeah, you got to set and enforce healthy boundaries no matter who it’s from. Sometimes you might have family that’s kind of stepping over the line. Especially guys get themselves into trouble when they allow a family member to abuse or berate their girlfriend or their wife, and then they don’t stand up for the wife and intervene. Because when you do that, or you fail to stand up for your girl to your relatives, then she’s not going to feel safe. And if she doesn’t feel safe, the legs are going to close.

She’s got to trust your masculine core that she’ll protect the two of you in the sanctity of your relationship. Your relationship has to come first between the two of you before the relationship with your kids, because you got to present a united front to your children. And it’s important that you vet and you make sure that you have similar goals, similar values around family and kids and relationships, because one of the big reasons why marriages don’t work out is people get married and they maybe often have different religious values, or they have different values and beliefs around parenting.

These are all things that at some point you’re going to have to discuss, especially if you’re going to involve the government in your relationship. Because character is destiny. And if you want to raise good human beings, you got to find yourself a good woman of high character to do that with and to lower her character, the more problems you’re going to have.

I ended up taking her back, and obviously, got burned.

Well, as Ayn Rand said, “You can ignore reality, but you can’t ignore the consequences of ignoring reality.”

I found out she had been cheating on me the entire relationship, and when I asked her about it, she told me it was my fault for being a shitty boyfriend and I deserved it.

Imagine the mentality of a woman who thinks that way. “Oh, it’s all your fault. You deserve it. Screw you. I cheated on you the whole time we were together.” That’s just a feral human there. That’s the kind of girl that when you just determine what her character it’s like, fuck buddy. Friends with benefits, sex playmate. That’s it. Always wear a condom. Practice safe sex. Make sure you flush those bad boys. Especially if you’re one of those wealthy ballers that tends to hook up with those thirsty girls.

I have since blocked her on everything, and she has lost the privilege to be in my life forever. 

The strongest negotiating position is being able to walk away and mean it. When somebody dicks you over like this and basically admits to cheating on you the whole time you were together, and on top of that says, “yeah, you deserved it.” That’s not a good person. That’s somebody that will hurt you and feel no remorse, obviously, because that’s the kind of environment she was raised in.

The following bullet points are things I have learned in 2 weeks of re-focusing on myself and getting back to the basics:

Setbacks, not failures: I have realized that I did a horrible job during my vetting process, and I realize that vetting, listening to red flags and believing in your intuition, will pay off. Don’t bother spending your time with people who don’t share the same goals, values, and standards as yourself unless you have mastered non-attachment or are not looking for anything serious.

Yeah, you have to be totally unattached if you’re going to continue to hang out and have fun and hook up with a woman like this once you’ve determined that her character is not one of somebody who’s loyal. And it should be a short term relationship, then you find somebody better and you move on. Because you’re not going to fix somebody. It’s not your job to fix them or to save them from their bad childhood, or the fact that their father did a shitty job. You have to acknowledge it, admit it to yourself. And then, especially in this case, get the hell out of there as quick as possible to minimize the damage.

But even allowing dangerous people into your life can have dangerous consequences because many of them have mastered manipulation to get what they desire. The partner I want to be, and the partner I want to attract: This major setback of a relationship has shown me a lot about the type of partner I can be for the right person, and how I feel when I’m with the wrong person. Having a list that you talk about in the book is extremely helpful, like you teach, in making sure the person you may decide to be exclusive with, if that’s what you’re looking for, has the qualities that you want.

So he’s talking about The Love Letter Exercise and The List Exercise from The Book. Because whatever you focus on expands. Whatever you train your brain to focus on is what it’s going to identify more of in your life. And so if you’ve got all the must haves and the deal breakers on a list, and you review it often, ideally, daily, you’re constantly reminded of what you’re looking for and it’s constantly going to be top of mind consciousness while you’re dating and meeting other women.

In order to achieve this too, you can’t be in the mindset of scarcity and have a lack of options. Tip: Don’t be fooled by your sexual desires!

Scarcity creates value. One is no choice. Two is a dilemma. Three is a proper choice. So especially if you’re dating, or you’re new, or you’re trying to really learn what’s in The Book, it would be ideal to have three or more different women that are in various stages of talking to, of hanging out, of hooking up with them, kind of like a practice squad on an NFL football team.

You’re always churning that bad boy. Because you’re always trying to upgrade your active roster. Because you should be vetting for the best that you can get, especially if you’re going to have kids. It’s a two decade commitment. And if you got somebody that’s pulling in the opposite direction or doesn’t share the same goals and values, you’re going to have a hell of a time.

Growth as a 26-year-old man: In today’s age, instant gratification runs the world. On average, people’s attention span lasts no more than 6 seconds. After previous heartbreaks, I distracted myself in many different ways, working out, reading self-help books, jumping back into dating. Now some of these are healthy behaviors, but it can cause you stuff your feelings down.

In other words, not pay attention to them. It’s like you’re running from yourself.

Truly looking in the mirror at yourself and understanding where you need to grow requires you to slow down. I still work out, eat healthy, and have gotten back into my social life with friends, but what I was missing before that I’m doing now, is sitting with my feelings.

So he’s present with the icky unpleasant feelings he no longer tries to run from them. Because whatever you resist will persist. And the more you resist the icky feelings, the more they’re going to linger like a dark cloud. So you got to get into it before you can get out of it. You got to embrace your icky feelings when you’re alone. Allow them to wash over you without judgment, and just totally be present with whatever the pain or the depression or the sadness or the loneliness or the rage or the anger or the fear, whatever it happens to be, just be present. Don’t judge it. Don’t try to get away from it. Embrace it. Be grateful for it. Because you got to feel it to heal it. You got to get into it before you can get out of it.

It’s good to allow yourself to feel emotions, like inadequacy, betrayal, loss, and ultimately grieve the relationship, because it allows you to learn and reflect. I learned that this wasn’t a loss at all, but a major gain, because I’m adapting, and evolving.

Well, as a man, you’re always growing and evolving. There’s always another level to get to. If you’re still here, if you’re watching this video, it means you got time and you still got work to do.

You need to close the current chapter before starting a new one, and turn a break up into a break through.

Thanks for everything Coach!

Bob

Well, you got to create a space in your life in this particular guy just decided to block this woman everywhere so he wouldn’t be tempted, and he completely wiped the slate clean. So now he’s created a space for a good woman of high character to come and fill it. Whereas before, when he was still hanging out and lingering with that other chick, even if he met a really great girl, he wouldn’t have been able to see her or do anything or advance anything with her because he was so focused on the one that was manipulative and toxic to him.

But now he’s nowadays free. Especially, I mean, it’s helpful. Imagine a woman like that just basically saying, yeah, it’s all your fault that she cheated on you and you deserved it because you were a shitty boyfriend. He may have been a shitty boyfriend, but nobody deserves that kind of treatment. It’s definitely something to think about.

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