How to determine if the woman you are dating is a terrible woman you should avoid, or if she’s worth the continued investment of your time and money.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a woman who shares how she was dating two different guys. One guy she really liked, but things were not progressing with him, and the other was very charming and did everything right, but she pissed him off after canceling an extravagant date he had set up. This pissed him off, and he told her he should have simply hooked up with her and then blown her off, instead of treating her like she was different and special.
A month later, he texted her again to tell her that she was a terrible woman and should pay him back for all the money he spent on her. She writes in asking my opinion and wondering if she is the type of woman I usually warn guys to avoid. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of her email.
I discovered your work and have been reflecting on my attitude towards guys in my life. Recently, I have been heartbroken over a guy I really wanted to be with. Things were up in the air for some time, so I decided to look for alternatives in the meantime. So, I started to casually date. There was this one guy with whom I really had chemistry. He was putting in the effort, and after 2 dates said he “really liked me.” To be honest, if it wasn’t for this other man, I would probably be completely charmed by him, but I was not fully available emotionally.
The other guy wasn’t treating you the way you wanted to be treated. He wasn’t wining and dining you and buying you flowers, so you were giving this guy a shot. But you can tell, he’s overdoing it. He’s looking at the stuff that he’s doing and the money he’s spending as what’s going to win him the girl, instead of him being the one that wins the girl.
He wined and dined me, while I was kind of flaky, cancelling dates, not always responding etc., but we kept on dating for about 5 weeks.
You’re displaying flaky behavior, cancelling dates, pushing him away, and obviously that didn’t deter him. A man who has lots of choices, lots of options and women who are enthusiastic about going out with him, when he sees this kind of flaky behavior, he would move on. But this guy was projecting his high attraction onto you and hoping that expensive dates and all the money was going to make up for the fact that he was pursuing somebody that wasn’t really reciprocating much effort.
The problem was, he didn’t back off when you pushed him away. He kept pursuing, which caused you to lose even more respect and jerk him around more, because quite frankly, no amount of jerking him around and treating him like a doormat is going to cause him to stand up for himself or to back away. It’s obvious your attention is on the guy who’s not giving you attention.
As I talk about in my by book, “How To Be A 3% Man,” the quickest way to get somebody else’s attention is to remove yours. This particular guy, who was too nice of a guy, he didn’t do that. He didn’t remove his attention, therefore, you can blow him off constantly, and he’s just going to keep coming back for more. There are no consequences. There’s no chance on you losing this guy, because every time you pushed him away, he just kept putting up with it and tolerating it.
He was planning to take me out for a dinner on women’s day to a fancy restaurant and wanted me to dress up. He planned the whole thing. (We were supposed to go dancing afterwards or something. He didn’t reveal everything he planned, which I liked!)
He was telling you about this extravagant date, which he has obviously put a lot of thought, a lot of energy and a lot of time into. You’re thinking about this other dude, yet this guy’s treating you like he’s taking you out for your wedding anniversary or something. It’s kind of inappropriate. He’s putting the cart before the horse, doing all of these crazy kinds of things. You’re not his girlfriend. It doesn’t sound like you even slept together or anything, and yet he’s treating you like his wife and the mother of his children. I did a video years ago called “Never Treat Dates Like Girlfriends.” That’s what this guy is doing. Its too much too soon, and typically a girl will bounce on you when you do that.
Two hours before the date, I cancelled the whole thing and told him I wasn’t into it.
That’s kind of shitty, waiting two hours before. But you did it because you knew you could get away with it, (or so you thought).
I wanted to be honest, because I realized it went too far, and I got confused.
The reality is, what you recognized is you should be really into this guy. He’s doing everything the movies and the TV shows say is supposed to make a girl go bananas over a guy, but yet you cancelled two hours before because you weren’t feeling it. You were feeling more attraction for this other guy who was doing nothing for you than this guy who, at least up to this point, seems like a perfect gentleman. He was going above and beyond, obviously excessive, as I pointed out. He was doing everything that Hollywood and the media tells you you’re supposed to do to win a girl. And you still blew him off, even though he went through all this planning and did all this work.
I was still kinda hung up on this other guy and didn’t want to hurt this new one.
Obviously, you knew you were hurting him because he was way more into you than you were into him. It’s a true statement from your perspective. You were recognizing he was making a date like it was your wedding anniversary or something and you hadn’t even slept together yet. Every woman knows that you keep going out with a guy like this, and eventually he’s going to get attached. And when he starts smothering you and you try to back away, he’s going to get really angry and upset, and women will avoid that for obvious reasons.
He was shocked and wanted explanations. He was furious, telling me that he should have just f*ucked me and that’s it, that he was wrong thinking I was different, etc.
The dude lost his shit. He was using food, a nice restaurant, spending money, telling you to get all dressed up as a bribe for sex and a relationship, and that strategy just doesn’t work. It doesn’t create attraction. The average woman has been out on enough dates with guys who get too attached, and as soon as they back off or cancel a date, then you get what’s really under the surface. You can understand as a guy, from a woman’s perspective, what women have to deal with, because guys who behave this way become stalkers, they become angry, they become physically abusive, and actually, that’s scary to women.
A month later, he texted me again telling me I am a terrible woman, and I should pay him back all the money he spent on me.
Keep in mind, thirty days have gone by and he’s still upset about this. He’s butt-hurt, he’s angry. Why is he angry? Because he’s full of fear. He’s afraid he’s not going to get what he wants, and to make himself feel better, he lashes out at you again, trying to project his anger, his hatred, his self-loathing and his fear onto you in an attempt to make him feel better about himself. But the reality is, he acted like a fucking chump. Not a 3% man, but he could be if he read the book.
Quite frankly, it was his idea to spend anything. I am not a high maintenance girl.
He wanted to do it, but he was doing it for the wrong reasons. He’s obviously seen too many movies and crap like the rest of us have that says these are the kinds of things that cause a girl to go weak in the knees. It’s cute in a romantic comedy, but in real life you can see, it freaks women out. His reaction is an over-reaction and is totally inappropriate.
I understand that he was hurt, so I didn’t reply and believe this text was just him taking his anger out on me.
I would agree with that.
However, the question remains after months: am I the kind of woman you warn your followers against?
If I was coaching this guy and doing a phone session, I would say “You did it to yourself. You opened yourself right up to it. You violated the principles. Don’t do grand gesture dates.” You don’t do this with a girl you haven’t even slept with, and on top of that, a girl who’s being flaky and cancelling dates. Remember, flakiness and cancelling dates is a sign of low attraction. And obviously in this case, as I have talked about many times in the past, there’s another dude in the picture who she’s really into.
When you’re dating a woman, and things seem to go well on one date, and then all of a sudden a week or two later, she’s kind of cold and treating you like a second class citizen, the reason is the primary guy she’s really into has come back into the picture, or it looks like things are going to work out, so you get put back on the back burner, because she’s not emotionally bonded to you yet.
Just because I decided to be honest and not to lead him on?
The one critique I would have is that two hours before is kind of shitty. You knew it was shitty, but you did it anyway, because quite frankly, he was a little bitch and he kind of deserved it.
What to do in these situations, not to lead anybody on and still keep my options open?
Right or wrong, you realized that this guy had no emotional self-control, and you probably dodged a bullet there by not being involved with this guy, because he’s really insecure. Can you imagine dating a guy like this for six months and then deciding you don’t want to see him anymore? Do you think he would go away peacefully, and quietly and easily? Probably not.
I am reading your 2nd book late at night. Your videos made me wonder “who is this guy I accidentally discovered on YouTube,
Well, I don’t believe in accidents. I believe that what happened happened, and it couldn’t have happened any other way.
whose advice on dating actually makes sense?”
Well, that’s the beauty of truth. It just kind of makes sense. It’s self-evident.
Although not always, I can agree with views expressed in the book, (political etc.), it’s plain to see that you are a man of value.
Well, in my second book, “Mastering Yourself, “ there’s definitely some politics in there, and if you tend to lean left, there’s probably going to be shit in there that pisses you off. If you lean right and you’re ultra religious, you might not like my spiritual views of the world, and that’s okay. At the end of the day, I’ve got a 50/50 shot at pissing the reader off. I’m going to talk about gun rights. As you can see this nice shirt I have on, “Don’t Tread On Me,” from Dom Raso. He’s a retired SEAL, and this is one of the shirts he has designed. Dynamis Alliance is his website. He’s got great stuff if you like guns and you like shooting. And I like to support vets, because I come from a family of vets.
The thing I admire the most is how you let vulnerability shine through.
The reality is, I talk about all the fuckups and things I’ve done wrong in my life, because those are the things I’ve learned from. It makes you relatable when you share those things with other people. I’m just a regular guy trying to do extraordinary things. The difference between me and 99.99% of the other people out there is that I don’t fucking stop and I never fucking quit. I never give up. I’m always looking for a way to figure shit out, because with enough time, repetition and perseverance, whatever it is you’re trying to overcome or get better at, you will get there. If you’ve got breath in your lungs and blood in your veins, you’ve still got a chance.
It takes guts and courage to allow it. You have this elusive, rare quality about yourself. As a woman I can tell.
I would appreciate a reply in a video if you find my question of value to your male audience. I think many guys find themselves in these kinds of situations with my girlfriends and me.
I think every dude that’s watching this has probably at some point in their life done something similar to this.
I wish you all the happiness in the world. Too many sweet words, but you deserve them all.
I appreciate the kind words. You sound like a regular woman. The only critique that I had was that it was kind of a dick move to wait until two hours before the date to cancel. But quite frankly, he kind of deserved it and he opened himself up for it. He invited it. That’s reality. No one will ever do or say anything to you that isn’t a direct reflection of how they feel about themselves in a moment.
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From my heart to yours,
Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“When it comes to dating, you and your time is the greatest gift you can give anyone. The reality is that most women you are interested in won’t feel the same way. It is absolutely critical to notice how a woman treats you and appreciates your efforts to provide a fun date together. Women who have high romantic interest in you will go out of their way to show their appreciation for your time and money. Women with low romantic interest will make little to no effort to show their appreciation for your time and money invested, often acting entitled and like they did you a favor by going out with you. That’s why it’s always best to start out with a few drinks or a coffee date as your first date to gauge your chemistry together and look for mutual high interest. Grand gesture expensive dates are a waste of time and money with someone you just met. This comes off as a bribe for sex and a relationship, and unnecessarily opens you up to being taken advantage of and having your time and money wasted.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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