Am I Done? Did I Blow My Chances With Her? Should I Walk Away?

How to know if you blew your chances with a woman & should walk away.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a new viewer. He met a girl a few months back who seemed interested. They hung out a few times, but then she told him that his being younger was a deal-breaker. She also canceled a date they had planned. However, he’s continued texting and trying to get her out on dates, but she’s always busy and has a logical sounding excuses.

He wonders if he blew it and should just walk away. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

This particular email is from a viewer who is relatively new. I think he said he’s been through 3% Man one time so far, so I think he found out about me when he’s in the middle of this situation, like a lot of guys do. He met a girl like in the beginning of the year around, I think it was around New Year’s, as a matter of fact. She seemed interested. They hung out a few times. I think there’s like a five-year age gap. She’s like four or five years older than him and he was texting too much. So after going through the book, he kind of realized some of the mistakes he made. Then she canceled a date, but for the last couple of months, he still occasionally texting her, trying to get her out on dates, and it’s not really going anywhere. So let’s go through his email because he’s wondering if he’s basically pissing in the wind at this point and wasting his time.

Remember, the quickest way to get somebody else’s attention is to remove your attention. Just remember that. The quickest way to get somebody else’s attention is to remove yours. So if somebody’s too busy, because as the book says, you’re going to reach out twice, ask her out, and if both times all she gets is a flaky response, won’t tell you when she’s available or says she’s unsure, then you don’t ask anymore. Even if she continues reaching out after that, let her be the one to bring up getting together. Because sometimes there’s another guy they’re talking to. Maybe they’re still talking to the ex, unbeknownst to you. You don’t really know what a girl’s situation is when you first meet her. That’s why you got to match and mirror her actions.

As the book says, you’ll make two attempts. If so, you reach out one week, maybe three or four days after you met her. It doesn’t really matter. Maybe it’s a week. Maybe it’s nine days, maybe it’s three days, whatever, and she’s unavailable or tells you she’s busy and doesn’t offer any other time she’s available, then think, “OK well, I’ll give her some more time and I’ll try one more attempt to ask her out. Maybe she’ll be in a different headspace.” Maybe you may wait a week, maybe two weeks. It just depends. If it just seems like she really couldn’t care less, then I’d give it like two weeks. If she’s unsure, I’d wait another full week, like seven days, maybe even 10 days. The late, great Doc Love used to say, “Seven to nine days.” Especially in a case like this where she’s just lukewarm, if she still is unavailable, then just say, “Well hey, hit me up when you figure out your schedule.”

Even if she reaches out to you after that, I wouldn’t bring up getting together unless she brings it up first, because then it would be her idea, because you want her to feel what life is like, because as soon as you stop moving forward, as soon as you remove your attention, if there’s still a chance or if there’s some interest, she’ll reach back out. If you met somebody else, what are you going to do? You’re gonna stop giving her attention. You’re going to give your attention to the girl who’s hanging out, having fun, and hooking up with you. Not the girl that you tried a couple of times and was just going to give you a wishy-washy answer.

So if you met somebody else, your actions are, you’re going to be nice, you’re going to be polite, but you’re not going to bring up getting together because you’re liking what’s going on with the other girl that you just met, even though that the girl doesn’t exist, but these would be your actions because you want her to experience, “Oh, did he meet somebody else? Is he mad? Does he not like me anymore? Did he lose interest? Did I turn him off? Was I too difficult?” You want her to question herself. Then if she brings up, “Hey, when am I going to see you then?” It’s her idea. Then you can make a date and 99% chance she will keep that because it was her idea. So it’s kind of like a game of chicken.

At the end of the day, this is what you do when a girl is unresponsive. It is true, the guy is supposed to pursue in the beginning, but she has to say yes. If she doesn’t say yes, well, nothing’s possible then. You don’t try, you don’t beg. You don’t grovel for somebody else’s attention. You’re not trying to win them over. You’re looking for a girl who’s already into you. Most importantly, she makes the effort. Again, if there’s another guy in the picture, she’s still talking to her ex, or she was really hot, maybe she was a little buzzed when you met her, she seemed hot for you. Then you try to set a date, maybe in the next few days, or maybe the next morning the ex reached out, got together, they had a long talk, and now she’s discombobulated and unsure. Then you’re reaching out a day or two after that, a week later, whatever happens to be, and it’s not resolved with the ex because now the ex is on her mind and he has more time with her. So that’s what you also have to account for.

You’re not going to burn a bridge. You just say, “Well, for whatever reason, she’s not available. If she really does like me and becomes available,” after you’ve asked her out twice and she shoots you down both times, well then she’s got to be the one to bring it up, and she’ll bring it up when she’s actually free and when her attraction is high enough, but if you keep chasing a girl who just won’t make time for you, which is basically what’s going on here, you’re just going to spin your wheels. The longer you do it, the more she’s going to lose respect and firmly plant you in the friend zone.

Viewer Email:

Hey Coach,

I’m a new student just found 3% Man halfway through this situation. and have only gone through your material once so far. I met this girl out dancing on New Year’s. I shot my shot, we hit it off immediately. She’s in town until December for a PA program, then moving away.

Well, that’s unless she falls head over heels in love with you, wants to be with you.

I got her number and asked her out to dinner and dancing with the line, “You said you don’t know a lot about dancing, so this is perfect. I can teach you how to dance and you can teach me about you.”

That’s pretty good. I like that, kind of charming and playful.

We lost track of time, talked and danced until 3 a.m. Great vibe.

Well, you should have gone for the kiss. Especially when she’s all over you or bumping into you. You do the kiss test when you’re standing there. Obviously this was all before he knew about me, but for those that are listening that are about to get into a situation like this, if she’s all over you and you’re dancing until 3 a.m., just do the kiss test from the book. Then if you see that she’s open to being kissed, go for it. If that leads to heavy petting, then you can use the trial closes from the book to invite her to go back to your place to open a bottle of wine, champagne or whatever, or a nightcap. If she’s down, she’ll say, “Let’s get out of here.” If she’s not or not yet ready, then she might say, “Well, let’s have another drink first.” Then you guys can take your Uber back to your place or whatever.

The next weekend I was at my buddy’s bachelor party and she messaged me first asking how I was doing and if we were still going to see each other.

So that’s high interest there. So something’s going to change, obviously, which will be able to analyze going forward. This happens to a lot of guys. She’s reaching out. She’s interested or “keen,” as my friends from the UK would say, or Australia for that matter.

I set the date for the following Friday. She asked to tweak it so we could go somewhere we can watch the CFB playoff game (She’s trying to get into football). On the date, I talked too much about myself in hindsight, and we somehow ended up on the two worst topics, religion and politics.

Well just remember, whatever you make her feel when she’s with you is what she’s going to associate with being with you. So that’s important to remember. You want to elicit good feelings, good vibes, and laughter.

We had differing views, but she said she respected my honesty and could appreciate my perspective. The date lasted 3+ hours. She said she was having a great time and didn’t want to end early when I suggested. We held hands, laughed, and went dancing. The vibe dipped a bit when age came up. She’s 32, I’m 27…

Yeah, it doesn’t matter.

…And she mentioned she only seems to attract guys who are too young or too old which prompted that conversation.

You just say, “Well, I’m obviously just the right age!”

I was too honest too early about some career goals. I’m getting in shape to try for Special Forces (I played college football)…

Keep in mind this was like in January they met. So as the playoffs were going on, which are now over because this story lasts over several months.

…And want that competitive environment again. She’s in the military. Later I joked about people acting foolish and said, “This isn’t an ‘other man’ situation, is it?” With a smile. She revealed she’s only been divorced 5-7 months…

OK, so you weren’t really sure, I’m assuming, if she was still with the guy or divorced yet. So she’s only been a free agent for five to seven months.

…Her on-and-off husband told her they were getting divorced because she wouldn’t give up her program for him and he wouldn’t move.

So they were at an impasse.

At the end of the night she drove me to my car, insisted on a hug, and as we pulled away I told her she was cute.

Well, she’s wanting to touch you, but it’s still your job to kiss and escalate. Probably, at this point, you could have been making out and say, “Hey, you want to come back to my place for a nightcap? Hey, you should come by and have a nightcap with me or open a bottle of champagne, hop in the Jacuzzi,” or whatever happens to be. Play a game of pinball, shoot some darts. I got my own dartboard. Hockey, go play some hockey. Old school video games, maybe.

She said “You’re cute too,” and I replied “No, but you’re really cute for an older woman,” as I walked away chuckling. She laughed and said, “You’re bad.”

Well again, that was a missed opportunity, but again, this was pre Corey Wayne.

I didn’t text that weekend to avoid coming on too strong. On Monday I sent a short supportive text about her upcoming test.

Phone is for setting dates, not acting like her gay male girlfriend.

She replied late, thanked me, and I led into suggesting the zoo the next weekend. She gave the, “I enjoy spending time with you and texting you is fun, but after finding out you’re younger a switch flipped on my romantic side” speech.

So she’s like, “Yeah, you’re too nice.” In other words, “You weren’t aggressive enough.” You should have been fucking her on that date, but you didn’t know any better. You’re too nice. She just wanted to get her pelvis pounded.

I took it gracefully, “Totally understand, appreciate the honesty, had a great time as short as it was.”

Why would I just said, “Well, if you change your mind, hit me up,” but he didn’t do that.

Two weeks I was out at the same bar and she went out of her way to find me.

“Are you stalking me?”

She said she had wanted to text during the CFB game but didn’t know what to say…

“Well, you could have just asked me out on a date, or told me that you wanted my sexy body and been fantasizing about me for the last couple weeks.”

…Then tried to insert herself into my personal goals. I set a boundary and told her I prefer to do my conditioning work alone.

What she’s basically trying to say is, “Hey, spend time with me. My interest kind of crept up and you look cute tonight.” That’s what happened. She was probably down to bang, but he missed it.

She left it open by saying, “Reach out if you change your mind, I’d love to go.” I invited her to the ruck two weeks later.

The purpose of the date is to create an opportunity for sex to happen, not sweat your fucking balls off, get rashes, and be stinky, sweaty, and smelly. You want to be stinky, sweaty and smelly after sex, not doing a ruck. That’s not a proper date. You’re thinking like a dude, “Hey, come hang out with me like a dude.” That’s part of the problem. This is what flips the switch from sex vibe to friend vibe.

She enthusiastically said, “I’m in!” And asked details, then flaked with a dog-seizure story but added, “Please ask me again though. I would really like to go.”

So at the end of the day, again, because it wasn’t a real date, she wanted to get fucked. She wanted to get fucked, bro, and it sailed over your head.

I replied shortly, “No worries, hope the dog bounces back. Catch you around.”

About a month-and-a-half later, I had an extra ticket to a show and invited her.

You shouldn’t have done that.

She couldn’t make it but counter-offered another concert the next day with her friends.

A group date. See how she keeps you stuck in friend-zone and you’re like, “She likes me. I got a chance?” Don’t do group dates. I just did a video ,ewsletter in the Members Area, I believe yesterday, on that.

We went, had dinner, watched the show. There was good physical comfort, I guided her by the hips multiple times in the crowd with no resistance, she stood directly in front of me, was touching her hair and necklace, and kept looking back over her shoulder at me.

Because she’s saying, “Are you gonna do something?”

Post-concert we talked about the cold-shoulder incident she said I gave when she walked up, I set a texting boundary (“If you think about me, just hit me up”), and I also said during this that, “We’ll be going out again, and I won’t even have to convince you. You’re convincing yourself.”

So that’s almost kind of like an approval-seeking behavior type of vibe. I wouldn’t say it like that. You should come from the place of, “Of course she wants to go out with me. Of course she wants my sexy body.” That should be how you think.

After the concert, I invited her to a spontaneous dance lesson the next week the day of it.

Well again, you should have been inviting her to do something. You should have kissed her. I would have never done the group date, but again, she’s got a couple cocktails in her, and she’s looking to get some strange, and you’re there. Again, you’re too nice. Nice guys finish last. Nice guys go home with a bad case of blue balls.

She said, “I would, but I have to study this evening. LMK how it goes.” Most recently a month after the last invite I invited her to a festival after work day of.

At the end of the day, when she cancels that date on you, you should have never brought up. You should have stopped moving forward after that. That would have been it. The only way you would have ever gone out with her again is if she brought it up. If she’s trying to do a group date or a friend’s thing with her friends there, just say, “Well, let’s get together, just you and I. What’s your schedule like?” But again, I think this is probably still before he read the book.

She replied playfully about an inside joke but said, “I’d love to, but I’m in Dallas this weekend…”

Debbie does Dallas!

“…With my little sister…”

“…And we’re just little angels because I’m looking for a man to beat up my pelvis properly, and you were just not able to do it or willing to do it or didn’t know. That’s what I wanted.”

…And shared what they are doing up there. No counter-offer.

Because again, you’re just too nice, too soft, you’re not masculine, confident, and going for it. You’re just like, “There’s too many routines. I gotta spend some time with her.” This girl’s definitely dropping some hints that she was, because if you’re out and you stop moving forward and then she runs into you at a bar, then she’s talking about spending time together and she hangs out, you can always, just as you’re talking, do the kiss test. Very simple. If she looks at your lips while you’re doing the kiss test, she’s down.

See, all these things can be going on there, and it just looks like you’re just kind of looking around, occasionally looking at her lips. She’s thinking the same thing. She’s going to look at your lips too. So easy. So obvious. It’s obvious once you know, it’s like a little bit more information was all you would have needed, and he could have been boom, boom, boom!

Overall she gives warm replies and occasional spikes of effort (The concert invite, enthusiastic, “I’m in!” to the ruck)…

Well, because again, it was like a friendship thing and you’re acting like the guy who wants friendship by treating her like a dude.

…Shows physical comfort when we’re together…

Is waiting for you to basically give her the flesh rocket and it sailed over your head. You literally fumbled the football in the one-yard line multiple times.

…And has brought up future ideas, but she consistently responds to my invites with soft, “I would, but…” Deflections and rarely initiates real plans herself.

That’s why you should stop moving forward. Dating is like tennis, you hit the ball over the net and if she doesn’t hit it back, go play with somebody else.

The age thing is still a verbal hang-up for me as I try to respect boundaries…

Who cares? You want a girl that if she has high interest, she’ll break all her stupid rules. That’s just the excuse that she gave you. What she’s really saying. “You know, even though you’re younger, I was gonna sleep with you, but you dried me up. Therefore my pussy is drier than the Sahara Desert, and that wouldn’t be any fun. So you can be my gay male girlfriend, and I enjoy your attention. You’re a cute little boy!”

…Even though her actions have sometimes been warmer. I’ve tried to lead confidently, stay detached after flakes…

Well again, you don’t ask after flakes. She has to ask you.

…And not over-text.

You shouldn’t be chasing after a girl that treats you this way.

My friend suggested she might be irritated because I’m not escalating enough and she’s busy with work/school, she won’t want to deal with someone who won’t escalate…

This is true.

…As she doesn’t have a lot of free time.

Exactly! If you’d have been down to just fuck her properly with no drama and no clinginess, no trying to act like you’re going to wife her up, she’d have been down to bang dude. She got out of a shitty marriage. She’s ready to fuck, and your friend’s right, but the way you went about it, again you fumbled the football and she’s like, “OK, well you can be my Harry Honda and do favors for me occasionally.”

I’m aware I default to a guarded “in-control” style that might be creating more distance.

Am I done, or is this salvageable? How should I move forward?

Thanks,

Bob

You shouldn’t move at all. You stop moving forward. When a woman treats you this way, even if she reaches out, like I said earlier, you’re like, “Hey, how you been? What are you up to? What’s new?” Send three or four texts tops. Then if she doesn’t bring up, “Hey, I’d like to see you. Hey, when am I going to see you again?” Then I would bring up, “Well, let’s get together and make dinner at my place. What’s your schedule like? When are you free?” Then invite her over to make dinner, but if she doesn’t, and after three or four texts, say, “Hey, nice hearing from you! I gotta run. I’ll talk to you later.” If you met somebody else, just like I said at the very beginning of the video, you probably might want to rewind it and watch that again, because that was good info on the mindset and the philosophy of how you have to bring to these kind of situations. Your buddy was totally right. He called you out and told you. It’s like, you’re just too fucking nice. She was ready to get fucked and you just completely missed the signs, but it doesn’t look like you’re completely out of the running.

I suspect if you just go no-contact, she’ll probably reach out, but she has to bring up getting together. If she does bring it up, then just say, “Well, we should get together and make dinner at my place. What’s your schedule like?” Then make dinner plans at your place. If she tries to get you to meet her out, pick her up, or do a group date, just give her the excuse that’s right out of 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back, the article and video I did many years ago, just say, “Nah, it’s been a long week. I’m just in the mood to hang at my place. If you don’t want to come over and make dinner, then give me a call in a couple of weeks and maybe I’ll be up for meeting you out then,” and then leave it at that. Withdraw the offer. She’ll say, “OK, I’m available Wednesday.” Say, “Great!” Then make definite plans. Then when she comes over, hang out, have fun, and hook up.

Look for the signs that she’s ready to be kissed. If she’s looking at your lips when you’re doing the kiss test and talking, even if it’s the first five minutes that you’re being there, kiss her, make out and just slowly start taking her clothes off and she’ll probably fuck you because enough’s enough already.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly.

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