How to know if you are moving too fast, you are too impatient or if you are simply a woman’s emotional tampon.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who got dumped by his girlfriend last November. They continued hooking up until she moved out in January. Then she disappeared after he went no contact to only come back and then leave again several more times.
Now that she is back once again, she calls all the time, makes dates with him, but she won’t sleep with him anymore. When he brought up their lack of physical intimacy, she told him to slow down and that he was rushing things. He’s frustrated and tired of things not progressing and asks if he has simply become her emotional tampon. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
This is an interesting situation. I wrote about something similar in How To Be A 3% Man. And so, in my particular case, she and I were vacillating back and forth between being platonic friends, because I was still trying to learn the balance of pursuing too much and not enough. So, it would go from her being really into me to her just having platonic feelings. I would back off, and the feelings would come back, and then I would push a little too hard, too fast. I didn’t really understand two steps forward, one step back at the time either. I was always worried about rejection, and it really interfered with my ability to to seduce her properly.
And so, instead of getting rejected when I would try to progress things to sex and then just stop and take the delay as a denial, I obviously later learned, as I wrote about in How To Be A 3% Man as I progressed, that a delay is not a permanent denial. A lot of guys in this situation think that, and so they stop trying. And so, a delay just means you’re going a little too fast. It just means pump the brakes a little bit, slow down, talk a little bit more. Ten, fifteen minutes later, take another run at it to try to escalate things physically. And each time, you wear her down, you get more pieces of clothing off, until eventually, obviously, you end up inside her, in the promised land.
So, this guy is kind of stuck in limbo here, but it sounds like he’s taking her out and going on dates and trying to court her. But the way you’ve got to look at this, and the way I explain it in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back, is that you’re not going to take her out on dates, because she ended the relationship. She moved out, she pushed him away, and then she came back. And so, you don’t reward that behavior by spending money on her, and taking her out on dates and doing things like that, because she has to earn another chance with you, not the other way around.
And this guy, he wasn’t really super clear in his email, but it sounds like he’s taking her out on dates, and going out places and things with her and then going back to his place. They fool around, she grabs his package, but then won’t go any further and tells him to “slow down tiger” when he’s bothered by the fact that she’s she’s denying him access to the box. So, he’s stuck in limbo. But like I said in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back, she should be doing all of the calling, texting and pursuing, and the only distance that you’re going to travel to see her is the distance that it takes to go from wherever you are in your house to your front door to let her in.
She comes over and you hang out, have fun and you actually hook up three times in a row, three different occasions when she comes over, when she’s reached out to you first, because again, she screwed it up, therefore she has to fix it, so she has to make all that effort to win you back. And so, you can tell with this guy, part of his problem is he’s got the mindset of, “I’ve got to get her back,” instead of “I’m the the prize. She screwed it up, therefore, it’s up to her to fix it. It’s up to her to convince me to give her another chance. If she wants to come over, I’m happy to spend time with her. But if she comes over and just wants to give me blue balls, then at some point I’m just going to stop hanging out with her.”
So I’ve got a quote that I wrote, and then we’ll go through his email. The quote says,
“Talk is cheap, but a person’s actions are a true reflection of their intentions, affections and interest, or lack thereof. If someone continually professes how much they care about you and how important you are to them, but their words and actions do not match, you should only judge them by their actions and what they actually do.”
Phony people I absolutely fucking hate with a passion. I fucking hate fake ass people that say one thing and do another. And I’ve deleted a lot of them from my life over the years, because they’re just parasites. But people who say one thing and do another, they suck. You give to a giver, the giver will give back. When you give to a taker, the taker just sucks. They suck up your time, your money, your energy, and they give nothing in return. And then they come back wanting a second and third helping.
“Phony people and those whose words don’t match their actions should be kept at arm’s length and out of your inner circle, the only people who belong in your inner circle are those who continually show you through their words and actions that they actually care, love, value, respect and appreciate you.”
If somebody tells you how much they care and how important you are to them, but every time you try to get together, they’ve got an excuse or a reason why they can’t or they don’t, then they’re full of shit, plain and simple. They’re full of fucking shit, and they don’t mean anything they say. And therefore, they can take their flowery language and stick it up their ass and go on down the road and find somebody else to use and be an energy vampire to or a parasite to.
My girlfriend of 3 years and I broke up in November, living together due to trust issues and complacency.
So, I don’t know who had the trust issues, if it was you didn’t trust her or she didn’t trust you. Complacency typically means you stopped dating and courting her properly, and therefore she felt like you didn’t care anymore.
Until she moved out January, nothing changed, as if we didn’t break up. Hang out, have fun and hook up all the time. When she moved out, she went cold, and I panicked and begged.
Well, that was your first mistake. Never try to keep somebody in your life who doesn’t want to keep you. If somebody’s got an attitude like they’re doing you a favor by spending time with you, they can go on down the fucking road. Because there’s lots of people that pretend to care because they want something from you. Maybe it’s money, maybe it’s significance, maybe it’s access to your clients, maybe it’s a job. Whatever it happens to be, people who profess to care and then do the opposite, then you look at their actions. That’s the only thing that matters. They can take their bullshit and go sell it to somebody else.
I went no contact after that, and she reached out to hang out, and we did so couple of times just to end it again.
More than likely, he went back into over pursuing and begging and seeking her attention and validation just because if she starts coming back and then she ends it again, typically what happens — because I’ve seen this thousands and thousands of times over the years, guys in this situation, and again, if you read “How To Be A 3% Man,” I did the same thing — but what happens is the guy starts going, “Hey, now I can start pursuing again. I’ll do that once-a-week thing,” but they’re ignoring the fact that she pushed him away, she wrecked things. Therefore, it’s up to her to fix it through her actions, not flowery words and promises of more later or any of that B.S.
It happened 3 times, hot and cold. After the second time, I stopped showing sadness when she did that and walked away with my chin up “not caring.”
So, the problem was you were caring too much, and you probably went back into pursuing. And the reason I believe that is I’m looking at what you say in the email here about going out on dates and stuff. This woman doesn’t deserve any dates. The dates are making dinner at your place. Because if a woman comes over in the evening to make dinner at your place, obviously sex is on the table. That’s a romantic thing that you do with somebody that you care about. And if she wants to come over and do that, she’s open to the possibility of being seduced, as long as you don’t talk her out of it.
And that’s why, in these situations when you invite a woman over, it communicates what your intentions are. Women who are trying to keep you as an orbiter or who are testing your strength will try to get you to meet them out for coffee or lunch or group things with other people so they can keep you at arm’s length. And that’s why you don’t agree to any of that bullshit, because she fucked it up. She fucked it up, she’s got to fix it. “I’m happy to hear what you’ve got to say. I’m happy to spend time with you. You can come over and we can hang out, but at the end of the day, I’m going to look at what you do, not what you say.”
Eventually, we hooked up again and started seeing each other. Now, she calls me every day, several times a day, tells me she misses me, she initiates all dates, all texts, etc.
Again, I wouldn’t be taking her out on dates. The date is she can come to my house, we’ll make dinner together, hang out, have fun and hook up. But you’ll see in a second what’s really happening?
We do kiss, flirt, she touches me often, holding my bicep, compliments my clothing, etc. She often touches/strokes my dick when we fool around “fighting” or when we say goodbye, BUT 3.5 weeks in this situation, we haven’t had sex!
Well, hang out, have fun and hook up. But you’re just hanging out, having some fun and getting blue balls. And I don’t have a mug for hang out, have fun, get blue balls. That’s not the formula.
So, one of two things is happening. Because I also know he’s only read the book two times, so he’s probably new to my work. But the point being is if you’re employing two steps forward, one step back and you’re still not getting anywhere — because this is somebody you lived with for three years, and you had total access to the box pretty much whenever you wanted it — and if she’s coming over and you’re doing two steps forward, one step back and she’s still not giving it up, what does that tell me? She’s probably fucking somebody else.
You’re her male orbiter. Maybe she’s connecting and bonding with you because she has an emotional connection, because you did live together and were together for three years. But somebody else is giving her the meat missile and fulfilling her sexually. And so, she likes the attention and validation. Maybe you’re part of her Frankenstein boyfriend, where she’s getting the emotional connection, but she’s getting her insides rearranged by Chad Thundercock.
Every time she turns me down with no reason. As if she is emotionally locked.
Again, I’m just going to assume you’re employing two steps forward, one step back properly, like the book teaches. But if just as soon as she denies you, you just stop all forward movement and you start going, “What’s wrong? Why don’t you want to have sex?” that’s the wrong thing to do, obviously. But if you’re doing all that and she still insists, “No, slow down,” then obviously, Chad Thundercock is knocking the bottom out of that thing.
Is it a trust thing or an attraction thing?
Well, like I said, it’s one of two things. It’s either she’s fucking somebody else and she’s just dangling the carrot, because she likes the connection she gets with you and she’s got a Frankenstein boyfriend situation, or you’re not properly employing two steps forward, one step back. Because if she’s doing all of the calling, texting and pursuing like you say, she’s bringing up getting together, then there’s interest. But you’re not employing two steps forward, one step back properly.
But like I said, if you’re going out on dates, then you’re not following “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back.” Because taking them out on dates and spending money on them, and quality time, and driving around with them, you reward women for good behavior and treating you properly. Not when they give you blue balls, when they won’t come over and have sex with you, as I talk about in “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back.”
As long as they come come over three times in a row and you hang out, you have fun and you hook up successfully all three times, then you can meet her out and pick her up and go on normal dates. But she still has to do 100% of the calling, texting and pursuing. Why? Because she fucked it up. She has to earn another chance with you, not the other way around. It’s a big difference in how you show up.
We had a brief talk about us, and she told me to ‘slow down tiger’ and that I am rushing things. Is this a marathon, not a sprint, to get back together?
Like I said, one of two things, you’re either not employing two steps forward, one step back properly and you’re taking her out, spending money on her, or there is another guy who’s actually fucking her.
What to do? Is she playing with her food? I keep my cool btw, and am not emotionally dependent, trying not to be too available. She tests me A LOT btw! But I pass every time because it is really obvious.
Well, you’re not getting access to the box, so I don’t know if you’re really passing all the tests that you think you are passing.
Like saying my driving sucks or making fun of my pants being too tight when they are obviously not.
So, it’s obvious you’re taking her out on dates and courting her, and you’re not following what I teach in “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back,” because you shouldn’t be taking her on a date. She doesn’t deserve it. She hasn’t earned it. And especially the fact that she’s coming over and giving you blue balls.
Calling me a bit chubby, even though I have a six-pack.
It’s like, “Babe, I’m not chubby, but I do have a chubby.”
Thoughts? I read the book two times now, btw.
What you need to do is you actually need to follow what “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back” teaches. No more dates, no picking her up, no meeting her out, none of that shit. The only thing that she can do is she’s got to do all of the calling, texting and pursuing. If she reaches out, or when she reaches out next time, invite her over to make dinner together. If she tries to get you to meet her out or pick her up or go somewhere, just say, “No, it’s been a long week. I’m just in the mood to hang at my place. If you don’t want to come over and make dinner together, then give me a call in a couple of weeks, and maybe I’ll be up for taking you out then,” but you’re never going to do that. You’re never going to take her out.
She’s got to come over for three dates in a row, and you’ve got to hang out, have fun and hook up successfully all three times. And if she comes over three times in a row and you do two steps forward, one step back, and she still won’t give it up, then when she reaches out and she asks to get together, just say, “No, I’m busy. I can’t this week, maybe next week or the week after. Give me a call then.”
If she’s like, “Why are you being so distant?” you’re like, “Well, because we’ve been hanging out for a month, and all you’re doing is giving me blue balls. And if you won’t have sex with me, obviously you’re probably having sex with somebody else. So, at this point, after three years together and this is your level of effort, I’m not interested in anything platonic. I would just rather move on and find somebody else who’s not going to hold back, who’s going to be authentic and real with me.”
“So, if you change your mind and you want to come over and seduce me passionately, I’ll give you a shot, but otherwise it’s time for us to part ways. Thanks for all of the great memories. I wish you all the best. See you later, have a nice life.” You get the idea. The point being is that the strongest negotiating position is being able to walk away and mean it. And so, if you employ two steps forward, one step back and she’s still adamant about not sleeping with you, then there’s definitely got to be another guy in the picture, and I wouldn’t I wouldn’t even invite her over.
And then when she’s complaining about that or she wants to come over, just say “No, it just feels like a platonic friendship, and every time you come over, all you do is give me blue balls and you’re teasing me, and it’s like, I don’t have time for it. I’ve got girls that want to go out with me and begging me to take them out, and I’d rather spend time with them.” Throw that in her face. Because, quite frankly, the way she’s treated you at this point? Look at her actions, that should tell you a lot.
So, if you haven’t read “How To Be A 3% Man” or my second book, “Mastering Yourself,” go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at top of your screen, and you can book a coaching session. And if you subscribe to the email newsletter, you can read my books for free.
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“Talk is cheap, but a person’s actions are a true reflection of their intentions, affections and interest, or lack thereof. If someone continually professes how much they care about you and how important you are to them, but their words and actions do not match, you should only judge them by their actions and what they actually do. Phony people and those whose words don’t match their actions should be kept at arm’s length and out of your inner circle. The only people who belong in your inner circle are those who continually show you through their words and actions that they actually care, love, value, respect and appreciate you.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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