How to determine if she really wants to fix your relationship and get back together or if you’re her backup plan.
In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a 27-year-old viewer who got dumped by his girlfriend. He has been following my work for a year, but it is clear he’s still chasing a woman for her attention and validation, but is ignoring the fact her actions show that he is simply her backup boyfriend plan.
He keeps trying to lock her down to a commitment and she keeps things up in the air. He asks my opinion on what he can do to turn things around. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
Well, this particular guy, he’s 27 years old and he’s been following me for two years now, and he’s read 3% Man a whole three times. His email perfectly illustrates why I say you got to read the book 10 to 15 times, because the average guy doesn’t realize the sheer magnitude of things they’re doing and saying that are totally unattractive and that turn women off.
He’s kind of been cherry picking, half-assing reading the book. Meanwhile, he’s trying to fix his relationship that he got into because he got off track. Yet, he still hasn’t really committed to learn the information. He’s like flying blind. I feel compassion for this guy. At the end of the day, you got to participate in your own rescue. If you’re not willing to participate in your own rescue, you get stuck in a situation like this, where he breaks up with his girlfriend but doesn’t really learn what he’s doing wrong that’s repulsing her.
So he’s not correcting the behavior, and he, in essence, just stays the same. Meanwhile, she’s got some ex in the background that she talks to, because he never really acts attractive consistently, he’s kind of stuck in limbo land where he’s hanging out with her. She dangles the carrot of potentially getting back together, but it really doesn’t progress. They’re just months and months of his life going by, just completely wasted because it’s just much easier to be lazy, than to do the work. Like reading the book and doing what it takes to fix your relationship, or to recognize that based on the girl’s actions, she’s just not that into it.
If you’re trying to fix a relationship or repair a relationship, because most of the guys, the overwhelming majority of guys that come to me, have gotten to the point where they’ve acted so unattractive so consistently that the women are turned off, they stuck them in friend zone. They’ve broken up with them. They’ve served them with divorce papers, whatever it happens to be, and they’re not interested in a reconciliation. Oftentimes these guys continue to pursue. Like this guy, you’ll see he got irritated. He got mad at her behavior. Yet he doesn’t really do anything to change his unattractive behavior. Then he’s just stuck in limbo land. Meanwhile, his ex is talking to him, talking to other dudes, talking to another ex of hers.
Women are going to gravitate to whoever is the most masculine, most attractive man in their life. Obviously she’s got several guys that are basically behaving like this dude is. That’s why she can’t ever really make up her mind and just kind of bounces from one dude to the next because nobody’s man enough to put her in her place, and act attractive enough to either attract her or just to boot her out of their life.
This is a place you don’t want to go because you can waste months and years of your life. The bottom line is we have a limited amount of time on this earth. Every day the amount of time we got left gets shorter, and the amount of time we’ve been here gets longer.
I’m a 27-year-old male working in physical therapy while working towards becoming a firefighter. I’ve read 3% Man three times (I know, 12 more to go.)
Hey dude, it’s your life. If you’re happy with the results that you’re getting, then hey, you know, just keep half-assing it and don’t listen to anything I tell you in the video. There will be people that’ll be watching this, that will go, “OK, I get it. I’m going to learn from that guy’s mistakes, and not do what he’s doing and take this seriously.” Then they will be one of the really good success stories that I read down the road.
The guys that have the best success stories, they read the book 10, 15, 20, 30 times, whatever it takes to get to the point where they know it so well they don’t even have to think about it anymore. They know it instinctually, because every time you go through something and I say this right in the very beginning of the book, you’re going to retain maybe 7%, 8% of it. That’s about what the average person retains when they go through something.
What people don’t realize is every day you’re consuming TV, movies, media that is giving you a narrative that basically teaches men to act like women, and women to act like men. When you see that all the time, whatever you observe, you participate in. So if most of the input, the mental mindset that you’re putting into your brain as a man is teaching you to act like a woman, and you only go through a book like mine a couple of times. He’s been through it three times in two years. Just the sheer amount of propaganda that he’s getting, his behavior is not going to really change much, and you’ll see that in his email.
I’ve been following your work since early 2022. I originally asked you about a situation I was in, which you made a video “Was I The Rebound Guy.” You’ve helped me a tremendous amount and I truly appreciate it.
Well, I would appreciate it if you actually take your success and your life seriously and follow the instructions and read the book 10 to 15 times in a short period of time. If you put it on two-speed while you follow along in a digital or physical copy, you can get through it in four hours.
So to get through the book three times in two years, that just tells me you’re just not serious. You’re not serious about your life, you’re not serious about your success, and you’re content to just half ass it. If you don’t really care about your life, how do you expect a woman to get excited about your life if you don’t give a shit either? That’s why you’re stuck in limbo land and not really going anywhere.
Fast forward to late 2022, I stopped focusing on dating and worked vigorously on my career and hobbies. An old co-worked of mine started pursuing me after seeing my progress. She said she was always into me, but the timing never worked. We began dating six weeks later. Shortly after, I received a job offer which at the time was at my dream company and my girlfriend also had a job offer in the same city. We ended up moving in together after 6 months, which I know was far too soon, but the circumstances justified it at the time.
Remember, he started following me in early 2022 and by the middle to end of 2022, he’s living with this girl. He knew he did what a lot of guys do. They learned enough about pickup and dating to attract her. They didn’t really learn the mindset. They didn’t totally correct their behavior.
When you’re with somebody, and then obviously you probably stopped reading it, stopped watching videos. What little he did remember, he just kind of slowly gravitated back to his old programming because he really didn’t spend enough time with the material to learn it. Again, we’re all being propagandized 24/7 by the news, the media, TV shows, movies that basically teach men to act like women and women to act like men. Again, whatever you observe, you participate in. Whatever you do, often you do best. If you spend more time in traditional media, instead of studying my book and implementing it, you’re going to act just like your TV program do to. It’s the way it is.
Here’s a prime example. Obviously we’re in the middle of election season. We’ve got what is it November of this year 2024, and everybody that is on the left, that leans left. To them, anybody that is pro-Trump or Republican or conservative or whatever, you’re a moron. They’re just predictably, “Oh, I’m supporting Trump. Oh, you’re a moron. You’re stupid. You’re dumb.” Just like a robot. “You’re dumb. You’re a moron. You’re not intelligent.” Just like robots.
We did a video the other day, we posted the YouTube and Instagram. One of the viewers asked, “Hey, Who do you think? RFK Jr.? Trump? What’s your opinion?” Everybody leans left. It’s all the insults. “You’re a moron. You’re stupid.” Just like robots. “Uh, my TV told me to call everybody that votes conservative, stupid. They’re a moron. I do what I’m told to. My TV is My God. I must do what it says.” That’s just one example that we all see. If you’re conservative, what do you usually hear from everybody that is liberal? “Uh, everybody who doesn’t think like me is stupid. Everybody who doesn’t think like me is a moron.” It’s the same insult over and over, and they’re like robots and they don’t even realize it. I digress.
Back to our regularly scheduled email here. I hope you guys enjoyed the little side note, and I’m sure there’ll be some people on the left who go, “Stick to relationships Coach.” Put that in the comments and you’ll get blocked. Don’t tolerate douchebags. You don’t like what I have to say, then there are 41 million other YouTube channels for your enjoyment. So, just change the channel and don’t ever come back.
After moving in together, things fell apart fast. We both became very stressed with our jobs and stopped putting in the work to make the relationship successful. We had a ton of small fights, all of which were due to a lack of communication.
Keep in mind he never bothered to learn the book, never bothered to pay attention to the relationship wisdom that’s in the book. What’s he doing here? He’s getting in tons of fights and arguing with his girl. Men who understand women, don’t argue with them. It’s in the book. He went through it three times, but again, that sailed over his head because he never paid any attention to it. By this point in their relationship, it had been so long since he went through the book that whatever he did remember, it’s like he just kind of reverted back to the way he was before he came across my work.
We broke up in late November 2023. We were supposed to go to a destination wedding in March 2024, however she was no longer sure if she wanted me to go as we weren’t stable in the relationship at the time.
You weren’t in a relationship anymore. She broke up with you. So you weren’t together. So thinking you’re going to go to a destination wedding and four or five months after she dumps you, that’s delusional. You’re not together. You’re not a couple.
Instead of respecting her concerns, I became very irritated and asked her about it several times as should wouldn’t give me a direct answer.
Dude, you got dumped. You got dumped and you’re badgering her about going on this trip. Which is basically what he’s really doing, is saying, “Give me your attention, your validation. Mommy, please pay attention to me. Mommy, give me another chance.” You’re acting like a little boy, and this is extremely unattractive.
This resulted in her having no choice but to break up with me despite not wanting to because I wouldn’t take no for an answer (I know I pushed her away). I moved out of our apartment in less than 48 hours and moved back to my parents.
Well, if you wanted to stay in a relationship, she should be the one to leave. If she’s dumping you, she’s ending the relationship, she’s the one that should leave. It just shows you how much of a bitch this guy became, and he made her the man in the relationship. So he left like a little girl, and moved in with his parents.
Around 10 days later, I reached out to her to discuss the relationship.
You don’t keep chasing somebody that dumps you. That’s in the book. That’s in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back. You never try to keep somebody that doesn’t want to keep you. These are the kinds of things that you learn when you go through it 10 to 15 times. If you only went through it like three times in his case, and that was a few years ago, it’s like, you’re not going to remember that.
I believed all of the concerns we had could be fixed with having a proper open minded conversation.
Well, it doesn’t sound like you were doing much of that, because as you said, you were arguing with her all the time. When you just argue constantly, eventually at some point, women just like, “This dude doesn’t get it. I can’t get anywhere with him. He doesn’t hear me. He doesn’t understand me. He doesn’t listen.”
She was very receptive and surprised that I was open to the idea. We met up two more times after which I believe every issue has been discussed and resolved. She was obsessed with me during these meet-ups and the most feminine I’ve ever seen her.
So was he inviting her over to make dinner? Oh that’s right, he moved out and moved back in with mommy and daddy. So was he going over to his old apartment and making dinner together, or was he meeting her for coffee or lunch in the middle of the day, and deluding himself going, “Oh, she’s totally into me. She’s totally obsessed with me.” Are you having sex with her? Probably not.
We just met up again after two weeks apart (Christmas holidays). She was a bit more cold this time. She wants to spend some time apart.
Uh, you’re not together anymore. You already are apart.
And discuss the relationship when we feel ready.
Meaning when she feels ready and he’s totally made this girl the man in the relationship, he’s begging her for attention, begging her to give him another chance. He doesn’t think so, but that’s what its vibe is giving off. He’s desperate for her attention. He’s desperate for her approval. “Mommy, mommy, please choose me.”
Despite this, I feel like I’m exactly where I don’t want to be – In a limbo state of together in some ways and not in others.
Bro, you’re not together. Seriously, read the fucking book, dude. You’re not going to solve this problem unless you learn the material. And if you don’t learn the material, the very next girl you date is going to dump you for exactly the same reasons as this one did because you’re displaying a ton of unattractive man baby like behavior. You’re supposed to be more masculine than she is. Instead, you made her the man and the head of the household.
We have no set time to meet up or talk again.
Dude, that is delusional. I know she’s deeply attracted to me. If she was deeply attracted to you, she’d be coming over fucking your brains out, but she’s not.
This is what you tell yourself so you can continue in your delusions and not taking any personal responsibility and not going back into the book. Remember he just said, “Oh yeah, I know I need to read it.” It’s like he’s not even serious about fixing this because it requires work and effort and he doesn’t want to put in the effort.
Again, you’re going to get dumped by every single girl you date in the future until you correct this behavior, and it doesn’t look like you have any intention of doing that because it’s much easier to be lazy. That’s why socialism, communism, Marxism collectivism is so appealing to people, because like, “Hey, it’s not your fault you’re a loser. It’s not your fault you’re unsuccessful. You got all these greedy people over here and they’re hogging all the resources. So let’s just go take their stuff and that’ll solve everything.” You have to be productive in society.
I know she is deeply attracted to me, and I know she wants to be in a relationship. She is even lying to her friends saying we’re still together.
Well, you’re lying to yourself, so that makes two of you.
The only hold up is this feeling that she has work to do on herself, which I amount to a cliche BS excuse.
Yeah, so she’s saying, “Oh, I need to focus on myself, I need to work on myself.” What she’s really saying is, “Hey, you’re my backup boyfriend. I always know that you’ll be waiting around for me like a little puppy dog. So let me see if there’s somebody out here in society who actually can act like a man consistently, because you certainly don’t.” That’s what she’s really communicating to you.
Of course, he’s put his life on hold and he doesn’t want to read the book because more than likely he’s going to recognize all these things he’s doing wrong. Plus, obviously he’s now got the video where I’m chewing on his ass about that, but that’s what I’m here for. I’m not the, “Oh, just do your best. It’ll be OK, little Johnny. It’ll be wonderful. A little pat on the head.” It’s like, I’m not that kind of coach. I’m here to tell you like it is, brutal honesty.
Anytime I’ve pushed for an answer she tells me that she needs to let me come to her.
And not be focused on the timeline.
Well, as the book says… Oh, you haven’t read it in a few years. So a man’s job in the courtship is just to create an opportunity for sex to happen. Hang out. Have fun. Hook up. Relationships are the women’s department, not the men’s. It’s her job to lock you down, not the other way around, and what’s he doing? He’s acting like a woman trying to lock her down. “Where do I stand? Are we going to get back together? What’s going? Oh, I need to work on myself.” She’s feeling smothered because you won’t fucking leave her alone.
When somebody dumps you and doesn’t want to keep you, then you don’t try to keep somebody who doesn’t want to keep you. You walk away. Instead, he just keeps pursuing, pursuing, pursuing, doing the opposite of what the book teaches, because, again, his TV programmed him to be this way.
She had a past boyfriend that she was on/off again with.
Because more than likely, that guy vacillated back and forth between acting like a man and acting like a bitch as well.
And every time they got back together after a week, and he would revert back to his old ways. She told me this is a huge part of why she is concerned. She wants to make sure if we get back together, we have our shit figured out.
In other words, what she’s really saying is, “You don’t act like a man consistently. I don’t trust your masculine core. I don’t feel safe with you. You’re not calm.” Obviously, he’s very argumentative, like he admitted to. You’re the opposite of what my book teaches, but you’re programmed like a good little drone by your TV.
I agree, however I feel a major sense of urgency to take action (Your video “The Illusion Of Action” helps a lot.)
Well, it’s also mentioned in the book.
At this time, I am going to go no-contact with the assumption that I will never see her again.
You should have done that when she dumped you back in November.
Do these things really take time or is she just yanking my chain?
In my opinion we should be together then fix things, but she views it the opposite.
Thanks you for your help.
No. You just don’t understand how attraction works, number one. You’re not doing anything to help yourself. You’re not doing anything to fill in your knowledge gap. You’re basically saying that you want to stay exactly the same, and you’re expecting your girl to fall in love with you, even though that’s completely out of a line with reality.
You’re acting like a guy who has no idea how attraction works, and she’s responding accordingly. She doesn’t trust you. She doesn’t feel safe because one day you act like a man, the next day you act like a little girl. It’s like, how is she going to admire and respect you and look up to you when you behave this way?
On top of that, from your email, it doesn’t even look like you even recognize that you’re behaving this way. You think everything’s great on your end and it’s all her problem. You’re not acting like a man. She’s predictably telling you exactly what it is that she doesn’t like and what needs to be fixed. It’s really easy to understand. I pointed these things out throughout the email, but the one thing you need to do you don’t want to do is to learn what’s in the book, and apply it.
You have to change your mindset. You have to change the way you look at things. You have to change your behavior. It’s not working for you. If you keep doing what you’ve always done, you’re going to continue to get what you’ve always got. If you’re not going to read the book, then six months from now, you’re still going to be stuck in this place. Unless, of course, she gets serious with some other dude, which is probably what eventually will happen, is that she’ll get serious with some other guy, and then you’ll be crying the blues. Then when you when you recognize she’s really gone this time, then maybe hopefully you’ll take your success in your life seriously enough to learn the information and start applying it consistently. Right now you’re totally inconsistent.
Women need men they can count on, and you’re not a guy that she can count on. You’re acting like a little boy that’s trying to treat his girlfriend like his mommy. That’s not what she’s there for. She’s supposed to follow your lead. Yet you don’t want to lead everything you do. You try to give all the power right back to her. You act like a girl that’s constantly trying to get a man’s attention. That’s why you’re stuck in friend zone. Their sexual polarity is totally screwed up when you act like a girl. A woman is not going to feel attraction for you. If you act like a man, a feminine woman will feel attraction for you. It’s that simple.
You got to participate in your own rescue, dude. I know I lit your ass up a bunch in here, but hopefully this is enough to shake you out of your slumber and wake you the fuck up. Again, you’re never going to attract this girl back if you don’t change your behavior. The next girl is going to dump you for exactly the same reasons if you don’t learn the information. You should be following what’s in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back. Never call or text her again for any reason.
When a woman dumps you, you don’t keep calling and texting her and saying, “Where you at? Are you ready to get back together? Can we talk? Can we fix this?” She just keeps putting you off because you’re not acting like a man, so she doesn’t feel attraction.
That’s why she doesn’t feel that she wants to give you another chance because nothing has changed. And she even alluded to that. Just like the on again, off again ex-boyfriend. He’s not consistent either, and neither are you. One day you act attractive and she feels something. Then the next day you just totally do the opposite and she gets totally turned off. That’s why it’s going nowhere, and it’s literally been five months and nothing’s changed in your behavior. So you better pull your head out of your ass quickly, dude.
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.
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