How to avoid the type of mistakes many men make of giving their power away to women they are dating by following instead of leading, and how this is basically asking to be jerked around and disrespected.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who recently found out that a woman he has been dating, but making many mistakes with and turning off, is now pregnant with his baby. She has been backing away and mentions being friends only, even after they have the baby. He is trying to re-attract her after realizing he has completely given his power away to her and abdicated his leadership role as the man in the relationship.
Lately, she has been very critical of him and has canceled two dates at the last minute for BS reasons. He wants to know what to make of her canceling dates, and if or how he should put his foot down. He has allowed her behavior to completely un-center and diminish him. My comments are in (bold parenthesis like this below) in the body of his email.
I met this girl on Tinder 5 months back. I really liked her, and she was reciprocating as our feelings for each slowly escalated. We’ve both had busy schedules, and only see each other every 10-14 days. (This tells me you’ve been pursuing too much. If you follow what I teach in my book, you’ll see it takes about seven weeks for a woman to fall in love. Either she wasn’t that into you to begin with, or you were doing or saying some things that turned her off.) Recently, she’s started getting impatient and snappy with me, and I feel like I’m plan B, not plan A, any more. I’d not been standing up for myself very well, things have been declining and she’s become gradually more critical of me. (You need to tell her you don’t like the way she’s talking to you. It’s important to communicate and work things out in a healthy, adult manner.) Although, it hasn’t gotten so bad. We’re still having sex, but she’s not having orgasms as much these days. (That tells me she’s just going along with it to please you, and she’s just not that into it.)
I realized what had happened in the last two weeks, a bit late. I accidentally let her become dominant, and that’s when I found your book and website. I’m 75% of the way through the book “How To Be A 3% Man” currently. I was just putting together a plan for enforcing my boundaries and trying to re-balance the power when she dropped the bombshell that she’s pregnant. (It’s about understanding what creates attraction and what turns her off. You need to understand the principles I teach in my book, so you can react based upon what she’s saying or doing.) It was kind of a surprise considering she’s been told by a specialist fertility clinic she can only have children with IVF treatment, and they froze her eggs at a high cost!
I’ve only seen her once since she told me, and that night we talked about what to do. We said we’d try to raise the baby together and try living together in a couple of month’s time after agreeing to spend more time together. (Women fall in love slowly over time by you dating and courting them properly. You’ve made her the man in the relationship, which will make her lose attraction for you and become confused about her feelings.) However, she also suggested we could be just friends if the relationship didn’t work out. Does that sound like a red flag much? (It sounds like you were too focused on locking her down to a relationship, and the more she backs away, the more you pursue.) To be friends is not an option, but I don’t feel like I have a choice now. (You absolutely have a choice. If it doesn’t work out, you still have to have a great relationship with each other.) We did have sex that night a couple of times, so I’m still in there with a shot. I also know she’s doesn’t respect weak men, a sign she gave, which shows she’s helping me. (She’s letting you know she’s not happy with your behavior. That’s a good sign. Women help you when they like you.)
Since she dropped the bombshell early last week, she canceled our date on Saturday night and said she wanted to be with her mum, as she was feeling “teary.” (That tells me her attraction level is not high right now, and she doesn’t want to spend time with you.) I said that was okay under the circumstances, and we agreed to meet tonight. In the last week, we’ve hardly exchanged text messages, and I’ve only responded with one non-leading message each time, as per your advice. (When you’ve been over pursuing, you’ve got to back off. You’ve got to give her the space and time to miss you.) I don’t want to have a relationship via phone. (When she reaches out, make a date and have her come over to your place.) I want to encourage her to spend more time with me face to face. When we do spend time together, we always have fun.
I then got a text from her this morning:
“Morning. About tonight… I’m really behind in getting this presentation ready for tomorrow, and I think I’m going to have to stay late and do it at work tonight. (She’s canceling dates because she doesn’t want to be around you.) I’m really sorry. I’ve typically left it to the last minute, and am now panicking. Can we just wait until Saturday to see each other?” (Tell her to reach out when she wants to see you. You don’t want her around unless she’s willing to make an effort.)
I responded with:
“And you let me know by text? Not cool. Call me when you can make time, and let’s talk about arrangements.”
She called me an hour or two later, and I said things have changed now that she’s pregnant, I’m not happy with two cancellations, and I don’t think that is cool with no real explanation. (That’s good. You’re standing up for yourself.) She said she was feeling awful with sickness and tiredness and was behind on work. (Let her know her actions are the actions of someone who doesn’t give a damn about spending time with you, and you don’t appreciate that.) I said that she would find time for me if she wanted to. She told me I was being childish, (It’s not about being childish. It’s about having self respect), and now I’d just pissed her off. I told her that was fine if she wanted to feel that way. Neither of us had time for the phone call, and said we’d speak another time.
Now I’m in the waiting game balls deep and not sure what to do. (I would do nothing. I like the fact that you stood up for yourself.) She’s very smart, so I know our next conversation won’t be easy. (Your job as a man in the courtship is to create an opportunity for sex to happen. Hang out, have fun and hook up. Not having this conversation over the phone.) It’s so much harder when a woman has your kid inside her. Walking away isn’t so easy. (I don’t teach men to be cold fish. You should read my book and review my article and video, “How To Communicate With Women Effectively.”) However, if she doesn’t call me or text to tell me what’s going on, how could I possibly understand why she was canceling? (Her attraction is low because of your behavior.) And should I put up with it? (Wait to hear from her, and then make a date. She needs to come to you for at least the first three dates in a row.)
“Women do not respect or trust the masculine core of men whose actions are not congruent with their words, men who don’t stand up for themselves and what they believe in, men who are approval-seeking and men who don’t know how to lead. When you tolerate disrespect without standing up for yourself, you are basically asking and inviting people to continue mistreating you. The only way a woman can truly love and respect a man is if she knows that if she pushes him too far, he will walk away and never look back. If you don’t set any healthy boundaries in your relationships, you are inviting people to walk all over you.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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