1) trying to solve her problem when all she really wants is for you to listen,
2) trying to use logic and reason to win an argument with a woman instead of learning and understanding that the more you try to win an argument with a woman, the more distant and emotionally upset she will become; as she wants you to LISTEN to and acknowledge what she is upset about in the first place, or
3) digging and probing to find out how what you did… or… did not do, hurt her emotionally no matter how many times she says “everything is fine… I don’t want to talk about it”; a smart man who understands women knows her resistance is her test to see if he really cares enough to keep digging and persisting until she throws in the towel and shares what’s in her heart. His persistence, and recognition that she really is upset communicates his love and devotion to her.
When you take the time in your relationship to create an environment where your lady is free and encouraged to share her feelings, thoughts and emotions with you, she will open up to you fully and completely and submit to you because she feels safe and comfortable enough letting you take the lead in the relationship. Your ability to maintain your girls high level of comfort with you will be essential to your overall happiness and well being. Nothing can be more challenging to a man than having to deal with a woman who becomes more and more resentful, angry, hurt and pissed off over time because he does not understand how to communicate with and understand her effectively.
One of my clients who is a very successful career professional, is dating the love of his life. He does more things right than wrong… and… he has yours truly, coaching him via skype on a monthly basis 🙂 He’s got good momentum, and now he is deep into the relationship phase.
The 3 phases of relationships: 1) pickup, 2) dating, 3) relationship, where mastery of communication and relationship skills is essential to keeping your woman in love with you. A happy woman makes for a happy and satisfied man who can focus his energy on his purpose/business/career/etc. with her standing behind him 100%, cheering him on like a cheerleader cheers on her boyfriend on the football field. He is smartly asking, and aware he needs to improve his communication skills to get his girlfriend to open more fully to him. Here’s his email:
Hope your day is flowing well.
I was wondering, have you written an article about listening to your woman and not trying to solve her problems? I know you talk about this in your book, but I have been pondering it more lately as my gf is struggling with some issues at work and I want to make her feel better. In your book you discuss what to do when you may have done something to upset your girl and how to break down barriers to get to the root of the problem.
Generally, I want to get better at communicating with her so she can feel like she can tell me anything and feel better afterwards.
Appreciate any advice. I’m reading all your articles and I appreciate it.
Peace and thanks.
The key to getting a woman to open up to you is knowing how to ask the right questions, and acknowledge you understand her feminine heart and where she is coming from. Women solve their problems and work through them by talking about them. That’s one reason why a group of women can be talking about 15 different subjects at the same time. Most men would be scratching their heads trying to keep up.
If you ask quality questions in your relationships, you will get quality answers. Your relationships will improve as you apply what you learned from the answers you get. A great technique I talked about in an earlier article is here in my post titled “Rate Me Baby“.
In order to get your woman to open up you can simply ask… “how was your day honey?” and let her emote. Say things like… “Really?… Wow!… Tell me more… Don’t leave anything out… etc.” Every few minutes as she is talking, repeat some of what she just shared with you back to her. If she’s talking about a co-worker and she is upset, don’t try to solve her problem. Women resolve things by talking and sharing their emotions and feelings. Men tend to retreat to their man-cave to contemplate solutions in private. Guys that don’t understand women will try to give her a solution instead of listening to her as she shares her day. Eventually she gets frustrated and says “you’re not listening!” He feels like a failure.
So as she shares her day with you and you every so often repeat some of what she shared with you back to her, you say… “so when Jennifer said blah, blah, blah, etc. you got really hurt, mad, upset, excited, etc.?” She’ll say… “exactly!” and keep right on rolling.
Once she has emoted enough, she will say one of the following… she may sigh with relief and say… “I’m so glad we talked… you’re such a great listener… I feel so much better now… etc…” then once you hear one of those type of statements, you know you have helped her resolve and get out the emotions and feelings. Now she will open even more fully to you and see you as the love of her life.
Its an art, not an exact science. It takes practice. The key is to keep her talking and asking her questions as I suggested above, and in the video. The more comfortable you make your woman feel about communicating and sharing with you, the more you will become the center of her universe, and her emotional rock and mountain. Good job for asking Tom.
If you have a question you would like me to consider answering in a future Video Coaching Newsletter, you can send it (3-4 paragraphs/500 words max) to this email address: Questions@UnderstandingRelationships.com
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From my heart to yours,
Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“Chance favors only those minds which are prepared.” – Louis Pasteur