How to recover from acting crazy, jealous and insecure to the point your woman left you.
In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who was a crazy, jealous and insecure Jack-In-The-Box to the point that his girlfriend finally packed all her stuff and moved back home to Hawaii after living together for the past year and a half.
He had so many episodes of drunk jealousy and nutty behavior that eventually she reached her breaking point and got tired of the constant toxic drama. Now he realizes what he has done and wants to know if it is even salvageable after going no contact. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
Well, I’ve got an email today from a guy who is a classic case of being a jack-in-the-box, and what is a jack-in-the-box? The guy who constantly loses his shit and gets triggered. He also would get drunk.
This particular guy, he says he’s in his late 30s and he’d been living with his girlfriend for the past year and a half, and he acted like a jealous, crazy, insecure bitch, as he puts it. He’d get drunk. He’d get abusive. He was constantly accusing her of cheating on him.
Now, there may be something to it. Maybe she was doing things to push his buttons because all women do this, but you cannot behave this way and expect your girl to stick around forever. What happened now is she got to the point after about two and a half years, she packed her stuff and she moved back to Hawaii to be with her family. She’s six hours away by plane from where he lives now, and he’s like, “How do I get her back?”
This is not an easy case to get her back because she’s now living a plane ride away where you’ve got to cross the ocean. Let’s see what we can see, because you do not want to act this way.
Quite frankly, I’m amazed that this girl stuck around so long and put up with this stuff. More than likely she probably has some self esteem issues because deep down she thought she deserved to be treated this way. That’s why she put up with it and kept making excuses. Maybe there’s some codependency going on there as well, which you guys can all read about.
People that are codependent tend to have people in their family that they grew up with making excuses for. They had drug or alcohol addiction problems or whatever. Then they get in relationships with people that they’re trying to fix, that they’re trying to save or like, “Oh, he’d be the perfect guy if I could just fix this one thing.”
Let’s see what we can do to potentially help this guy out or if else he needs to just put a fork in it and consider he’s toast, because it’s pretty hard to come back from stuff like this. They parted on good terms and it’s obvious that she still does care, but she’s leaving. She’s had enough. Every woman’s got their breaking point and she reached hers.
I just lost a great one, having trouble grieving this as it’s a total fuckin dagger to the heart and could have easily been avoided. Looking for some advice on getting her back…
Well first and foremost, if you’re serious about getting her back, you need to read 3% Man. If you’re not interested in doing that, I can’t help you, especially with your behavior. Your behavior is absolutely disgusting and it’s appalling, and no woman is going to stick around if you’re going to act this way.
Masculinity is calm, and you’ve been the opposite of calm. You’ve been a constant drunk jack-in-the-box for the whole time of your relationship. Nobody’s going to put up with that crap. You just cannot behave that way and have a good relationship or even good friendships for that matter.
I’m in my late 30’s and had been dating one of the better woman I’ve ever met. We dated for a year before moving in together the past 1.5 years, I acted like a jealous, crazy, insecure bitch for the entirety of the relationship and never listened to what she wanted.
That is a bad way to go. In other words, you were constantly communicating that you were an incompetent man, you were emotionally immature, you were a man baby and you constantly threw temper tantrums like a five-year-old. It’s extremely unattractive.
The one caveat I will say is that you can apply what’s in the book and you can be the best boyfriend or best husband in the world, but if you did a shitty job of vetting your girl and you’re with somebody that’s a bum bitch and she’s got a lot of character flaws, well you can’t make good wine from bad grapes, but that’s beside the point.
I’m assuming that you had a good girl and she treated you properly, and she was a great girl and you’re wanting to get her back. Like I said, you could be the best boyfriend in the world, and if she’s a bum bitch, she’s going to cheat on you and there’s nothing you can do. So getting crazy and losing your shit and freaking out over girls because you want women to trust you, you want them to feel safe and comfortable with you to the point where they think they got you.
If you’re in a relationship or you’re dating somebody that’s got character flaws, they’re going to lie. You’re going to catch them in their lies and then you’re going to catch them doing things that are totally inappropriate. Then when you set healthy boundaries, they’ll continue to violate them, but if you’re a jack-in-the-box and you’re losing your top constantly and you’re constantly jealous and you’re with somebody that’s a bum bitch and has character flaws, she’s going to do an excellent job of hiding all that shit from you, and you won’t find out for a very long time. Then when you try to leave, it’s going to be a lot harder because you’re going to be in love with the fantasy of who you thought she was while you were ignoring the reality.
She’s understanding, very chill, independent, successful and pretty. Some of the craziness I showed her leads me to believe that now that she’s officially packed up and left – she’d never give me another chance.
So it’s possible. As I talk about in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back, the article and video I did years ago and I talk about in my book, is you should assume it’s over and you’ll probably never hear from her again. What you need to do is be reading the book and applying it to clean up your unattractive behavior, because this will make you attractive to women everywhere, not just potentially the ex.
If you don’t correct this, you will drive away the next chick, the next good woman that you meet for exactly the same reasons because you’re constantly losing your shit and you’re a jack-in-the-box.
Everybody in her corner would be right to tell her to run for the hills bc of my actions.
Two months ago we had our final fight that destroyed our relationship. In a fit of drunk jealousy I berated and embarrassed her in front of some friends for flirting at a friend’s birthday which led to a larger fight caused by me later that night and me kicking her out of our apartment.
If she’s flirting with another guy, was she flirting or just talking to him? Does she give out her number to other men? Does she play with her hair when she’s talking to him? She touch their arm? Does she hang out and go on one-on-one happy hours, friendly happy hours with the coworkers? I don’t know.
Obviously he’s getting jealous because she’s flirting. Was she actually flirting? I don’t know. Maybe there’s something to it. I can’t tell because this has been this guy’s pattern constantly, so maybe there was nothing there. Maybe the reason he was flirting was because he could tell that she’s just not that into him and was totally tired of his crap. Any time she looked at a guy or talked to another guy, he just assumed she was cheating because he could tell that her attention was not on him.
Bottom line is, even if that may be the case, that’s unattractive in general. You cannot be that way. Again, you want her to feel like you totally trust her implicitly so you can catch her in her lies. If you catch her in lies or you catch her doing ratchet things, then you will learn that you’ve got a girl that’s just not capable of loyalty, that’s incapable of keeping her pants on basically.
That’s what you’re trying to find out, is she’s going to honor her commitment to me? Yes or no? Will she tell me the truth all the time? Yes or no? Will she flirt with other guys and invite their attention? Or when other guys come and hit on her, she’ll say, “Oh, that’s my boyfriend over there. He’s the love of my life. I can’t give you my phone number. Sorry?”
You’re not always going to be around your girl. If she’s loyal and she’s faithful and a guy hits on her and she’s going to be like, “I got a boyfriend, I can’t do it. Sorry. Not interested.” If she’s disloyal, she’ll give out her phone number and they go, “Oh, it’s just a friendly thing,” and think there’s nothing wrong with it and keep doing it even after you’ve talked to her about it.
From that point on it had been over. I got her to come back to the apartment the next day but I could tell that was it from her end. After several similar albeit not as intense fights over the 2.5 years, she was all but done.
A week or so after that fight, she flew home to Hawaii to get “space…”
Which obviously means she’s feeling smothered by you.
…And be with her friends and family which lasted two weeks. When she came back every little thing I did bothered her and she ended up telling me after a small disagreement that it was over the first night she returned.
If you’re still fighting with her, more than likely a lot of the fights are stemming from the fact that she’s not paying attention to him and he can tell that she’s not giving her heart to him willingly anymore. So now he’s having to beg for it and be angry and upset. He’s like the little boy that didn’t get any attaboys for mommy. So this guy’s definitely got some mommy issues here. “You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free,” as Thich Nhat Hanh said. She definitely did not feel free.
From that point forward we lived together without any intimacy (6 weeks or so) and she still tried to make it work. She ended up going back home for another week and then when she returned the resistance was stronger and ultimately a small disagreement led to her telling me this was done, she needed space and was moving out into a short term rental down the street. It didn’t matter what I said, she was leaving.
Yeah I mean, Elvis had left the building. You could only get upset at her so many times before she’s just like, “That’s it. I’ve had it.”
When I left for a 9 day work trip, she moved out the next day which was planned but she left some boxes in our guest bedroom. I still thought as long as she was just a few blocks away, if I gave her time and space, worked on myself I’d have a shot.
The first few days It was tough to go the DNC route as I had to tell her when she was receiving packages at our building… Eventually I was able to apply the DNC for 4 days and then she did reach out to me about something minor and irrelevant (I felt like I won a game), and then the next day she reached out again to tell me we needed to get together when I was back as she was planning on heading out of town and heading back home to Hawaii for a bit to clear her mind.
You just imagine this guy is just a constant, relentless, constant jack-in-the-box.
I didn’t know what to think so I was obviously anxious to see her and hear her plan. The day I got back she texted me that she had to come by to close up the boxes as they were being picked up on Thursday by a moving company which had me wondering further as to what her real plan and intentions were.
Well, she’s leaving you. She told you she was leaving you. She’s in the process of leaving you and you didn’t want to believe it. Believe it. On top of that, you still continue to act like a jackass. A jackass jack-in-the-box.
She came over last Wednesday, and as soon as she walked in and locked eyes on me she started crying and then I did as well, we hugged she asked me how I was doing and told me she was a mess with everything going on but implied more so due to the wild fires in her home town in Hawaii…
Obviously he’s talking about Maui.
…Then us but I believe it’s a combination of both. After the first set of emotions were gone, she explained that she was moving back home to be with her friends, family, and community through these tough times.
The reality is, she’s not in love with you, she lost attraction and she just wanted to get the fuck away, because all you do is make her feel miserable when you’re with her. Whatever you cause a woman to feel when she’s with you is what she’s going to associate with being with you. So every time they got together, what did he do? He got upset at her. Who wants to put up with that day in and day out?
She told me not to wait for her, this was a break up and she was most likely not returning to the state. I helped her pack what was left of her stuff, I broke down to her multiple times, we ended up hanging on the couch a bit – kissed her a bunch, grabbed food with her and went back to her place after to hang out.
After leaving her apt on my walk home I texted her how I felt about seeing her to which she replied, “I do miss you” and a follow up, “I love you.” That felt good. The next day was a bit different as that was the day the movers were coming to pick up her boxes and this would sever all ties to her and our condo. Again, I got emotional, we hung out all day, ran errands, grabbed a bite and went back to her place.
Tonight she was tired and didn’t really want to hang out or hear my emotional plea and eventually said bye to me.
She’s had enough dude. You begging, pleading, chasing after her and groveling, again dude, if you’re serious, you’ve got to read the book. Come on.
You’re watching videos, but cherry picking and copy and pasting is not going to fix this bro. You need to radically change your behavior and start acting like an attractive man, not a butt-hurt fucking baby dude. No woman is going to want a guy that behaves this way. You’re a fucking total child.
She officially left town yesterday and texted me, “Thanks for everything, I know what you’re feeling, be good to yourself, you lead a good life – enjoy it, and I love you.” I replied back that I loved her and to take care of herself.
I’m beyond crushed but accountable. An FYI, I sent her mother flowers with a nice note which she’ll receive next week.
That’s not going to save your relationship dude. Maybe you got to apologize to her mom because maybe you were a dick to her mom, I don’t know, but I mean, that’s just a bribe for sex and a relationship. It looks pathetic, to be honest with you. Unless you did something to piss off mom, it’s a nice gesture to apologize, but more than likely, you’re just groveling and hoping you can get the mom on your side and she’ll talk her daughter into coming back for more abuse.
It’s obviously super fresh but asking you for advice on next steps in hoping to attract her back.
Become a serious student. Read the book or unsubscribe and go away, because if you’re not going to read the book and you’re not going to apply what’s in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back, you’ve got no chance dude. There is absolutely no chance. Even if she was open to talking to you potentially, the first time you get butt-hurt, she’ll be gone again.
She has to encounter the new you. The dude that acts like the guys do that are in my book. The guys that read the book 10, 15, 20, 30 times, whatever happens to be, and have all the great success stories that I’ve covered over the years.
You not reading the book and just cherry picking the videos, you are 100% guaranteed to lose her forever. She may be gone forever. I mean, she’s left the state. So the chances of this going to work out are slim to none. What you should be doing is reading the book and applying it and improving your skills with other women. So if she does come back, you’re a different guy, and she’ll even say, “Where was this guy two years ago? What happened? Where did this guy come from?”
Assuming the only play is the do no contact?
It’s like she left you. You don’t keep chasing somebody who’s left you. You begged and you groveled for the last two months, and where did that get you? “I’m leaving the state.” Well, you begged, groveled and you got angry at her, but she still left.
If she reaches out, is your advice to try and set up a trip to see her, if so how soon and how would you phrase it (would be a 6 hour flight)?
If she reaches out in a couple of weeks, do a video date and then just say, “Hey, I’d love it if you came to stay for the weekend and hang out. That’d be great to see you,” and she says, “No, I don’t think that’s a good idea.” Then, “All right. Well, call me if you change your mind. I’m going to run. Talk to you later.”
Just like I talk about in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back, if she calls a few weeks later and you talk again, ask her to come visit. She says, “No,” Then you’re just going to say, “Well, if you ever want to see me again and rekindle things, that would be great. Get in touch, but otherwise, there’s really no point in us continuing to talk. I don’t want to be a friend. I don’t want to be a digital pen pal. I want to see romantically and fix our relationship and work on our relationship. If you don’t want to do that, then you got to let me go and I’m going to let you go, and we’re going to wish each other the best.”
You should be following the script that’s right out of 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back. It’s all laid out. I don’t have a copy and paste solution. There’s not a magic phrase that’s going to fix this. Your behavior has been absolutely disgusting, unmasculine and totally atrocious.
So the thought of her coming back, flip a coin. It could go either way, but I would say the odds are not in your favor, but you never know because you spend a couple of years together. If you just let her be, she knows you want to work it out, but you can’t work anything out unless she’s willing to. If she’s not willing to work it out, it’s over, dude.
Your goal should be to learn my material as quickly as possible. Put the audio book on two speed follow along in a digital or physical copy. While you’re doing that and you can get through the book in four hours, and then you should be relentlessly applying it with all the women that you’re meeting and get out there.
I know you don’t feel like it, but get back in the game and start meeting and dating other women so you can improve your skills. So if your ex does reach out and does come to see you, she gets a good version of you. An attractive version of you. Not this beta male bitch that she’s been encountering for the last two and a half years.
Your game has to be 100% tight. You cannot blow your top or get upset or mad or angry with her at all. Every time you do that, you put another nail in the coffin that confirms to her that she made the right decision by leaving your ass.
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.
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