Why bad communication leads to bad relationships and unnecessary breakups.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who says he’s read 3% Man at least 15 times. He spent the last 3 months hanging out, having fun and hooking up with a female coworker whose parents own the business. At work, they ignore each other and pretend like they don’t know one another. She never texts him in between dates.
Recently, she told him she doesn’t think she can do this anymore, but appreciated their time together and kissed him on the cheek. He responded like an emotionless zombie and never really tried to understand her or where she was coming from. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
The quality of your relationships is in direct proportion to the quality of the questions you consistently ask each other. If you’re not asking quality questions, you’re not going to make your partner feel heard and understood. And so, it looks like his acting like a zombie caused her to think he was really just a friends with benefits. She’s still on the Bumble dating app. He says it looks like she’s refreshed her profile.
This email just brings up the importance of good communication. I did a video years ago called, “How To Communicate With Women Effectively,” which you should review. And we filmed a podcast just recently, Jocelyne and I did. This one is on my Instagram account, @CoachCoreyWayne, and it’s called, “My Ex & I Got Back Together. They Suck At Expressing Their Emotions. Any Tips?” I think this question was from a woman. We got into a good back and forth between Jocelyne and I, because she was saying some things that weren’t making sense to me. I was like, “What do you mean?” So, it was a really good natural, organic instance where she was communicating one thing and it didn’t make sense. And so, by digging deep and asking good quality questions, I got to the bottom of what she was really thinking and feeling.
What she was saying in the beginning was, guys don’t express their emotions and their feelings. And the reality was, when I got through it and got her to go into detail – because I was trying to understand what the hell she was talking about – then what it came to was she just didn’t feel like the guys took the time to understand her emotions, so she wasn’t feeling heard and understood. But the way she phrased the question initially was that guys didn’t express their emotions.
First off, thank you for the incredible amounts of wisdom you provide through your videos and books. I have listened to your audio version of 3% Man at least 15 times, if not more, and a butt load of videos, which led me to getting dates and hooking up with my dream girl. However, I’ve made some serious blunders along the way and find myself in a very upsetting position, and I’m not sure exactly what the problem is, if I can fix it, or if I even should.
It’s also possible that this girl is not that into him, but he never asked good questions. And from some of the things she said, women will say things, they’ll talk about the end of the relationship, or moving on, or dating other people because they’re trying to see how you feel about it. Not that they don’t want to see you anymore. And that’s kind of what it sounds like. And he was just kind of like a zombie. He didn’t really respond, didn’t really dig deep to find out what she was really thinking and feeling. And now he’s sitting here confused, going, “What the hell happened?”
This girl and I had been seeing each other, secretly, for about three months. We work together at a family business that her parents own. At work, she won’t look me in the eyes, she avoids me, and won’t strike up conversations. Things just seem tense.
So, if nobody’s around, and you walk by her, especially now that you’re kind of not talking, you should be like, “Hey, you. You miss me? You been thinking about me? You know you have. You should text me one of these days.” Just like that. Because, right now, I don’t think they’re really talking.
I try to give her space and time to build attraction, but it feels tough when we work together. I don’t talk to her unless she talks to me.
Well, you’re also acting like a zombie at work. Just be flirty and playful with everybody.
When we’re on dates, though, things are awesome. We were hanging out, hooking up, and having fun, (I thought). But things have always seemed just a little off.
The other thing you’ve got to keep in mind, if her interest isn’t really high, she’s not going to want her parents to know that you’re dating. Or who knows, maybe she’s dated guys in the past from work, and it didn’t turn out too well, and it caused drama, and her parents told her she can’t date anybody else from work. Who knows? We don’t know what was going on, but that’s just weird. You guys are hooking up, and then you act like you don’t even know each other at work. That’s just immature.
She never texts me between dates.
Well, she might have read a book from a woman that’s teaching women to act like men, just to make guys do all of the pursuing and not make any effort to do anything.
I’ve been sticking to once a week when possible.
Our last meetup was where I think things got bad. After hooking up, we were laying there.
So, this is where it just went right over his head. Remember, “What do you mean?” should be one of the most important questions you ask a woman. And I was using that repeatedly with Jocelyn, in that video I was telling you guys about earlier, trying to get to the bottom of what the hell she was trying to explain to me.
And she randomly told me, “I don’t think we should do this anymore, but I truly appreciate the time we’ve had together,” and kissed my cheek.
That’s so nice. It’s almost like friendzoning him. So, other times when you’ve broken up, and she reaches out, you say, “Hey, let’s get together.” She’ll say, “I don’t think that’s a good idea.” You’ll hear that. I would say, “Well, I think it’s a great idea. I miss you. I want to see your face. Get your cute little ass over here.” That’s how you respond. So, when she says, “I don’t think we should do this anymore,” I’d say, “What do you mean? Why would you say that? What caused you to say that?”
I think I said something like “I enjoyed it too and would be sad for it to end.”
Where’s the question, dude? How to communicate with women effectively: “What do you mean?”
Then she said, “I never hook up with people just for fun,” and asked me if I was getting laid by anyone else.
So, again, when she says, “I never hook up with people just for fun,” It’s like, “What do you mean? Are you saying this has been more than just fun for you? That you want something more than just a casual hookup?” I can’t believe he just laid there. You were like, “Oh, yeah, whatever.” Come on, dude.
I fucked up huge here and said, “I don’t kiss and tell, and I’ve always got room for one more.”
Like a robot, “Oh, let me spit something out I heard in one of Corey’s videos.” This was a missed opportunity. You could have said that, “I don’t kiss and tell, but I’ve always got room for one more.” It’s like, “What do you mean, babe? Why would you say that? Why would you say that you never hook up with people just for fun?”
Because that sounds like she was saying, “Well, I was hoping this would be more than just fun, but it seems like we’re just friends with benefits, and I want something more than friends with benefits.” Like I said, the fact that she says “I never hook up with people just for fun,” tells me that it was more than just for fun. But after three months, she doesn’t think it’s going to go anywhere, because he just lies there like a zombie and shit sails right over his head.
My next blunder was when she actually texted me later that day. I had left a card under her pillow for her birthday.
HER: “You’re so thoughtful. I wish I could hug you. That made me really happy thank you.”
HIM: “It’s my pleasure baby. You deserve it. I hope you have a fun weekend though! I’ll see ya around.” (She had friends over that weekend.)
HER: “Ugh, you’re so sweet. Thanks again. See ya.”
I know it’s a rookie mistake to not ask her out, but I was under the impression she didn’t want to see me again like she said earlier.
Do you have a penis? Are you the man? Your job is to create an opportunity for sex to happen. You said you read the book. You said you read “3% Man” 15 times. That doesn’t sound like the actions of a guy who’s actually read it 15 times. Maybe you listened to it 15 times, but you’re always doing shit and weren’t really paying attention. That could be understandable.
The best way, if you’re going to read the book and get through it 15 times, is to have a physical or digital copy. Listen to the audiobook while you follow along in the actual book. That means, if you’re in the middle of the book and their words are being read, you move your finger along the words. That forces your brain to focus. The nice thing about the Kindle is when you do the whisper sync, it’ll highlight the words as you’re going through it. So, as you’re following on Kindle and the audiobook is coming through, you put on two-speed and you’ll get through in three and a half hours.
But yeah, if you’re driving your car, and you’re working out at the gym, and you’re doing things around the house while you’re listening in the background, you’re not really paying attention to it, so you’re just not going to take it in. The goal is to get the information in your brain, not just go, “I’m a robot. I must listen to it 15 times but not really pay attention, so it does not compute.”
I asked her out later that week and I get a text that says:
HER: “Heyyy! I don’t know if this is going to be very fun for me anymore. Thank you so much for everything. You’re such a good person and it really meant a lot to me. Also, let me know if you need help with anything when you get your surgery (having a hernia fixed)!”
HIM: “Okay. Let me know if you want to meet up and talk about this. Otherwise, if you change your mind, you know where to reach me.”
Well, at this point, you’ve got to be congruent with that statement. But, like I said, it’s hard to tell if she was really that into you, or maybe she wasn’t that into you. But from what she said, especially that statement where she says, “I never hook up with people just for fun,” in other words, it has to mean something.
It sounds like it meant something, but this dude just kept acting like a cold fish constantly and never really bothered. Because, as the book says, if a woman hints around or asks about “Where is this going? Are you dating anybody else?” you’ve got to ask questions and pull it out of her. “What do you mean? Are you saying you want to be exclusive?” But he never did that.
I don’t know if I’m being a cold fish because of work. Was I too much of a pussy, chasing too much?
Well, the other thing is the fact that she never, ever texted you. It’s either indicative that she’s structured and following some set of rules, or she just wasn’t that into it.
How am I killing the attraction here?
Well, I don’t know what else you were doing when you’re actually together, because there was no other detail. All I have to go off of is her actions and your actions. And it looks like you both kind of acted like zombies and like you weren’t that into each other. Like, you were just casual friends with benefits. But the reality is, women don’t dump men that they’re in love with. And I don’t know how many times these questions came up and then they just sailed right over your head, or you ignored them, or never bothered digging deeper.
I found her Bumble profile freshly updated, so I’m guessing she’s seeing other dudes.
Yeah, maybe she met another guy, and she was hooking up with him, had the same conversation, and maybe they’re going to get serious. Because, again, she says, “I don’t know if it’s going to be very fun for me anymore.” What does that mean? She could also be emotionally messed up. That’s possible. We don’t know, because you never asked good questions. But you are where you are, at this point.
Does she think I’m seeing other people so she’s turned off?
Well, if it really bothered her, she wouldn’t still be on Bumble. That’s the other thing you’re ignoring.
Is it really over this fast? I thought she liked me!
It doesn’t really sound like it went anywhere. You were only seeing each other once a week, and she never texted you once. That tells me she’s structured. She’s following a set of rules. Structured women, I don’t mess with them. You shouldn’t either. But every time I’ve gotten emails, I’ve never known one dude that I can think of – friend, family, somebody that I coached – that tried dating a structured woman, that didn’t eventually just get sick of it. Because the woman never responds naturally. She’s like a robot, “I can’t call him. I can’t text him. I must wait for him to do everything like the book told me to.”
So, you’ve got women out there learning my book, and then they teach, “Oh, let’s fixed their little red wagon! We’re going to do in the patriarchy! Just never call or text a man for any reason, ever!” And then you come across women that do that, and it makes it impossible for anything to happen.
I wouldn’t really be too upset about it, because there’s some weird behavior from her. If you’re sleeping with her and she won’t look you in the eye and won’t even acknowledge you at work, that’s not a good sign. It either shows a lack of interest, lack of respect, or she’s a fruit loop. Or she’s worried about what her parents are going to think, or that you just weren’t that important to her.
I think her text was sweet but full of BS to not hurt my feelings. Where do I go from here? No contact, right?
Thank you for any consideration and time.
Yes. You already told her, “Hey, let me know if you want to meet up and talk about this.” So, if you’re walking around at work and you see her, and she sees you, and you’re sure nobody else is around, you can just say, “What’s up, cutie? You miss me? You been thinking about me? No? You know you have. One of these days, you’ll change your mind. You’ll be back. When you miss me really bad, that’s when you should text me.” Just joke around with her like that. But don’t do it every single time you see her, like you’re trying to get her attention.
But if there’s other cute girls at work, go talk to them. And in the meantime, play ball, man. You’re a free agent. Get out there. See, if you had two or three other choices, you’d be going out with women that were making more of an effort than this girl. And she didn’t really make a lot of effort. Granted, I beat you up pretty good about the communication, because you should know better, but at the end of the day, she’s expressing a lot of weird, dodgy behavior. I think you said she’s your “dream woman,” but you can’t work anything out with somebody that acts like a zombie at work and pretends you don’t exist because her parents own the business.
One of the things that I was talking about in that video that I did with Jocelyn was I had one girlfriend in my life that was like that. Any time she got mad or got upset with me, it was, “I don’t want to talk about it.” I was like, “You’re upset. Let’s talk.” “I don’t want to talk about it.” “Babe, come on. What’s going on? You’re mad, you’re upset about something. I want to know what it is.” “I don’t want to talk about it.” You can’t work anything out when somebody does that.
And then, three or four days would go by, and she’d call and act like nothing happened. I was like, “Well, let’s talk about the other thing.” “I don’t want to talk about it. I just want to have fun. I just want to pretend like it never happened, we never had a disagreement.” Whatever it was, when she got upset, she wouldn’t tell me why she was upset. She just pretended like it wasn’t there. Let’s just sweep it under the rug.
That lasted six months, then I was out. Because, at that point, I knew what I was doing. I mean, when you have girlfriends that communicate, you’re like, “Babe, what’s the matter? You seem upset.” And then when she tells you and it comes out of her, it’s a dream. It’s easy to work things out with girls like that. Girls that are stonewalling you, they’re out. No way. Don’t mess with that. It’s not your job to fix them or to save them. It takes two people who want to make things work.
So, at the end of the day, the guy didn’t do a good job of communicating with her. There were some clues here that she wanted something more. But, like I said, there were also a lot of clues that she just might be a screwball and not worth your time. But you don’t know what you don’t know. Everything that has been said and done has been done.
You have to be congruent with what you told her. You said, “Let me know if you want to meet up and talk about this. Otherwise, if you change your mind, you know where to reach me.” And that’s it. And your social media should reflect that you’re living your life, and having a good time, and you have moved on. And who knows, if she goes on a date and it doesn’t go well, guess who she’s going to be thinking about. You, because you left the door open for her properly. So, that’s great.
But the next time you’re lying naked together in bed and she says something like this, you need to say, “What do you mean? I don’t understand where you’re coming from. Why would you say that?” As a matter of fact, next time you are lying in bed, you should go back to this last conversation and repeat her words back to her. If she says, “I never hook up with people just for fun.” Say, “So, when you’re saying that, it sounds like this meant more to you than ‘just for fun,’ that you wanted something more. Am I wrong? Is that what you were thinking?” You’ve got to get her to get to the bottom of it. Super, super important.
And again, I would check out that video on Instagram that I referenced earlier in the video. And if you’ve got a question or a challenge or a situation you’d like to get my help with, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.
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