Bad Communication & Not Making Her Feel Heard & Understood Led To Our Breakup

Some things to consider if you got dumped due to bad communication and unnecessary drama.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a 34-year-old viewer who has been following my work for about a decade. He read 3% Man 10 times, but that was seven years ago and he hasn’t been following since then. He just broke up with his girlfriend due to bad communication and not making her feel heard and understood. He got sick of the drama and they mutually ended it.

Now he wants her back, but she wants space. He asks me what to do. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

This particular email is from a guy. He’s 34. He says he’s been following my work for about a decade, and he read 3% Man 10 times, but that was seven years ago, and he says he hasn’t been following me since. He recently just broke up with his girlfriend due to bad communication and not making her feel heard and understood. He says he got sick of the drama and the communication issues and ended it. Then after about a week, he wanted to work things out and she wasn’t really having it. Now he’s like, “What do I do?” Because he started to get back into the book and he’s realizing his mistakes.

It just goes to show that ideally the guys that do the best, or they read the book 10 to 15 times and they still go back to it maybe once or twice a year just to brush up on things. You got to remember, we’re all consuming the same kind of propaganda, the same kind of TV shows, the same kind of movies that are presenting us with dysfunctional archetypes of how men and women are supposed to act and behave. I see this a lot. Guys will follow my work, then as soon as they start dating a girl, they get serious, like the video newsletter from yesterday, the public one, not the paid members exclusive ones. I went through the same thing. Guy got into a serious relationship and he only read the book six times. After that he’s like, “I got it. I don’t need to read this anymore.” Then a year later, he gets dumped and he didn’t even see it coming. Now he’s going back through the book, frantically panicking, trying to save his relationship, and he just completely got lulled to sleep because he just did not take the time. He thought once he was in love and that was it, that she was just going to stay that way.

What you do to get women is what you do to keep women. If you stop doing the things that made them fall in love with you, if the courtship ends and she doesn’t feel heard and understood, eventually some other guy is going to come along and date her and take her off your hands. So let’s go through his email and see what we can do to help this guy turn things around.

Viewer Email:

Hi Coach,

I’ve been following you for a good part of a decade and have read your book circa 10 times. However, I have not been reading/following for the last seven years or so. This is why I’m reaching out for advice. I’m a 34-year-old man with purpose, drive ambition and discipline. I’m a kick-boxer and I’m jacked from lifting weights every day and eating a quality high protein diet.

I’ve recently broken up with my ex, Jessica, a month ago. Initially, I pushed her away and I didn’t make her feel heard or understood. The break up was initiated by both parties. Her because I didn’t make her feel heard/understood…

Well, when a woman feels heard and understood, the legs open and when she doesn’t, the legs are going to close because she’s not going to feel safe with you. She’s not going to feel safe risking a pregnancy.

…And me because I was sick of her constant drama (Because I wasn’t showing up how I should in the relationship. Shaking my head). A few days later, I realized I had messed up and I reached out to her and went round to her house that evening where we talked about the relationship and she ultimately said that she felt our time was done (At this point, I had not been reviewing your material for a number of years and fucked it up). I was devastated and left her house in a bit of a mess. I then re-read your 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back and sent her the following text a two weeks later (I know, this was a fuck up because ultimately I reached out twice after being dumped):

Well, you got to get back into the book and learn the fundamentals. It’s been seven years and you haven’t looked at it. You’ve probably forgotten most of what you learned because all you’ve been doing is consuming propaganda and dysfunctional archetypes from the media and the movies that you’re consuming.

So this was his message he sent to her, and just the fact that all he did was go to the 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back. What does that tell me? He’s cherry picking. He’s just looking for the copy and paste quick fix to solve all his problems. He’s still not going back to the fundamentals in the book. You’re not going to have sustainable success. If you do that, you’ll get some attainable success, but you will not be able to sustain it long term like he’s done. So he’s continuing to make the same mistakes and not taking the information in the book seriously and trying to learn it. He’s just trying to watch a video here and there, copy and paste the solution and then everything will be fixed and back to normal. That’s not how this works.

You have to permanently change your behavior. He did enough of it in the beginning to get her hooked, but once they got together, he never went back to it. Never. Then he just slowly reverted back to his old ways because whatever you observe, you participate in. So the only thing he’s consuming is propaganda with dysfunctional archetypes. He’s brainwashing himself to become the way he used to be, which is incredibly unattractive to women. So this was his message to her.
 
“Hey monkey… Hope you have been doing well since last time we spoke. I’m reaching out because I’ve had a lot of time to reflect on things over the last few weeks, my values, the type of partner and man I want to be and am striving to become and my actions/inactions which contributed to the quick decline and loss of our relationship. You are so very special to me and have many qualities that I did not appreciate as much as I want to. I messed up by not picking up on your needs like I should have and I want to make things right. I would love to see you again. How would you feel about grabbing a low-key drink next week and heading out for a bit of fun together? Without pressure or expectations of course.”

Again, this is not what 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back teaches. In essence, you’re starting to chase a woman that broke things off. On top of that, what did 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back say? He did say it was mutual, but typically when it’s mutual, it wasn’t really mutual. She initiated the breakup and then he went along with it because he was tired of the drama, but it was really her that initiated the breakup. So what he’s doing is now he’s been in the truth. He’s been in the principles in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back to justify reaching out and continuing to pursue which again, it was her idea to dip. Unless she’s open to try again, you’re just going to be spinning your wheels because it takes two people in order to tango, and she don’t want to be your tango partner right now.

She responded with a lengthy text saying lots of nice things about me (Soften the blow) but ultimately it was too soon and she was still processing. I messaged back saying, “I appreciate the fuck out of you. If your feelings change, give me a call. It would be great to hear from you.”

So at that point, all he’s got to do is if she does reach out in the future, then follow the script that’s in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back. You don’t meet her out, you don’t pick her up, you don’t go out for a drink on neutral ground. She’s got to agree to come to your place to make dinner in the evening. The book and 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back is not going to help you if you’re just going to cherry pick and do the opposite of what it teaches.

This is why you got to get back in the book, because nothing’s really changed. You’re just basically telling her you want to work things out, but you don’t even know the depth of the unattractive behavior that you’ve displayed to her because you’re so focused on the fact you got rejected and now you want her back, but you got to dive back into the book and start learning the information so that if she does come back in a few weeks or a few months, she finds a new and improved version of you that was more like the guy she met in the beginning. If you just cherry pick, she’s going to pick up on the fact that nothing’s really changed and you’ll still be dumped.

Since then, I have gone no contact and it’s been two weeks. This morning at 12 a.m., she accidentally messaged me with a reel on Instagram and said quickly after, “Aaa sorry I meant to send that to my friend and now this is weird, sorry.”

“Sorry! Sorry!”

I responded to her sorry with a thumbs up to her “Sorry,” and left it at that.

Yeah, that’s all I would have done. I would have assumed that it was just, “Oops, sorry,” and that’s it.

I assume that it would be inappropriate for me to message her back asking to set up a date because it was an accidental message on her part rather than a text asking how I was doing etc.

Yeah, it wasn’t a, “Hey, how you been? I’ve been thinking about you. How are you?” Because if she texts you directly, then you should assume she wants to see you, make a date at your house in the evening to make dinner together and just follow the steps in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back, but you got to actually apply it. You can’t cherry pick things and then twist it around and in essence, continue the same unattractive behavior that got you dumped in the first place.

Keen to hear your thoughts. This girl is amazing and I messed up bad.

In the meantime, I have been going on 2-3 dates per week and am trying to focus on my mission and purpose. I know I need to tighten up my game again and get back to the book…

So he’s already going out on dates, but yet he still hasn’t picked up the book. That tells me he’s not serious. He’s half-assing it. He’s looking for the quick fix. He’s probably watching videos here and there, trying to pick cherry pick things so he doesn’t have to do too much work.

Dude, you need to be reading the book and applying it with these new girls so you can get back to where you’re displaying your most attractive self, because you’re still being lazy and half-assing it and you’re not really willing to change your approach that got you dumped. There’s going to be things that when you go back through the book, even just the first time you go back through it, you’re going to realize you were doing and saying all those things, because you got to clean up your behavior. If you don’t know what behavior you’re exhibiting that’s really unattractive, you’re going to be making unnecessary mistakes. If she does come back, you’re going to delay her falling back in love with you again, if she falls back at all.

I want you to get it right if she comes back, but if you don’t take the time to read the book, you might as well just give it to somebody else that will take it seriously, because you’re not. Your approach is not going to get you sustainable results. You should recognize that by now. Just going out on dates, that’s great, but if you’re not going back and reviewing material, then on these new dates you’re going out with, you’re going to be making mistakes with those women that are turning them off.

The idea is repetition is the mother of skill. You need successful repetitions, but you need successful repetitions by applying what’s in the book, but since it’s been seven years since you looked at it, and for whatever reason, you’re still lazy and you’re still bullshitting yourself thinking that that strategy is going to work, I’m telling you, you’re going to fail. If your girl wants to come back and you don’t read the book, you’re going to fuck it up and chase her out of your life again, and that’ll sting even more.

…Which I have now re-read over the last week.

OK, so he did read it one time. My bad.

Although there are other good prospects out there, I do really miss this particular girl.

Yeah. Rejection breeds obsession.

Any further advice would be appreciated.

Bob

Well, my advice is to put the audio-book on two-speed and follow along the digital or physical copy. Don’t be listening to the book as background noise when you’re at the gym, you’re driving in your car, or you’re cleaning your house and listening through your Sonos speaker system. You got to sit down and really take it seriously to learn the information. The same thing with 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back. I would suggest you read the articles several times and watch the videos several times, so you know how to handle any of her last minute objections she may or will probably throw at you, because your game has got to be tight, because it got sloppy and it was sloppy for a long time. You got to put the time in. There’s no shortcuts to success.

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