How to be direct and decisive with women to avoid looking unattractive, weak & Incompetent.
In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who has been following my work for about a year and read 3% Man 4 times. He recently got another shot with a woman he dated for about 7 weeks 2 years ago. However, when trying to setup a 2nd date, he unknowingly made himself look unattractive, weak and incompetent.
She ghosted him in the middle of his attempt to make another date because he basically acted dopey and gave off the same vibe that led to his rejection the 1st time they dated. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
So I’ve got an email from a guy here, and he dated this particular girl that he’s writing in. They went out for about seven weeks two years ago, and I think he mentioned that he basically over pursued her and she blew blew him off. So somehow they got back in touch and started talking and went out on a date and things went real well, but he really likes this girl, and this is what makes it so hard.
When a guy goes out with a woman who to him is a beauty queen, to him is a girl that knocks his socks off, he tends to act dopey and soft and compliant. So what you’ve got to remember, if you’re reconnecting from with somebody that you screwed up with in the past and they blew you off, and they’re giving you a second chance, you want them to see a completely different version of you, especially in this case, if you’re acting weak, you’re acting indecisive, you’re not direct, and you don’t get to the point, if you give the same kind of vibe off that you did two years ago, she already has an opinion formed in her mind of you at this point.
Your game has to be tight. That’s why I say you got to read the book 10-15 times. You can’t just read it once or twice and think, “I got it.” The idea is you’ve got to understand what you say and most importantly, how you say it and what it communicates. What you’ll see, as I get further on down the email here, is that the guy seems to have done a good job on the first date. It went real well. Then when he tried to set up the second date, again because he’s all dopey. He just totally fumbled the football, he was wasn’t direct and he wasn’t decisive. He’s asking her a question and then she’s basically ghosted him again.
This is why you got to read the book and you got to learn these things. Most importantly, you got to apply it. So when you do get a second chance with somebody like this that you, in essence, chased out of your life, all they see is an attractive side of you and not unattractive. Unfortunately, what this guy has done is he gave off the exact same dopey vibe this time that he gave off the last time that turned her off and caused him or caused her to blow him off.
So let’s go through his email, because this is a good one to learn from, because he just makes a few mistakes here and that’s enough. You see the effect it has on her. That’s why she blows him off, but she may reach out in the future. He hasn’t heard from her in four days. Oftentimes that’s what women will do if you turn them off and they’re like, after four days go by five days a week, week and a half, two weeks or whatever, those feelings start to creep back up because most guys won’t disappear after that, because dating is like tennis. You hit the ball over the net and you wait for her to hit it back. In this case, she didn’t hit it back. So you just go and play tennis with somebody else unless you hear back from her.
Sometimes that’s all it takes. A week or two goes by. Her feelings start to return because she hasn’t heard from you. She becomes unsure of herself, and then she reaches out. Then you make the next date. So this guy’s not completely out of the running, but you’ll see it’s just mean. Totally fumble the football there instead of being direct and decisive.
I’ve been following your work for about a year now and have read 3% Man four times recently and am currently on read #5.
Well, if you’ve been following me for a whole year and you’re only just starting read five, it’s understandable why you’re screwing up unnecessarily, especially when you’re trying to attract somebody.
You have to clean up your behavior. You can’t have her show up, in this case, two years later, and then you revert back to exactly the same kind of behavior because it communicates incompetence. It communicates your actions or the actions of a guy that typically has no idea what he’s doing.
You’ve got to remember, the average pretty girl has already been out on dozens and or interacted with dozens and dozens of dudes and been out on who knows how many dates with with guys that have already made the same mistakes that you’re making. So you give off the same vibe that the 97 percenters that she rejected in the past did. That’s why she just disappears.
I’ve messed up a bit and could use your advice so I don’t fuck it up any more.
I have reconnected with an ex-girlfriend…
Well, she’s not really an ex-girlfriend. It’s just a girl he dated. You can see in his mind this is a girl I want to date, and I want her as my girlfriend.
That’s part of his problem. It gives away what his mindset is. Instead of having the attitude that women have is like, “Hey, let’s see where this goes. We’ll see what happens.” Don’t do it like this guy. Is she good for me? Instead, he’s already his mind is like, “Oh, this is who I want is my girlfriend,” and even refers to her as an ex-girlfriend, when all he really did was date for about seven weeks.
…Who lives two hours away.
So he’s got the wrinkle of a little bit of a long distance.
We dated for seven weeks two years ago.
Notice he says now this shows how dopey he is, or that he’s in the mindset of a dopey guy.
She is one of those women that you describe as knocking your socks off. She is the most beautiful woman in the world to me and I’d love to be with her.
So it’s really hard when you’ve only read the book four times in a year to undo that behavior because you’re like, you’re just drooling. “Your Highness, can I lick your feet? Let me clean the toe jam out of your toes and your toenails, baby.” Women do not want a grovelling supplicating beta male that puts them on a pedestal.
Two years ago I over-pursued and made a lot of mistakes.
Again, he’s referring to her as an ex-girlfriend. She was not an ex girlfriend, just a girl he dated for about seven weeks.
Recently, we messaged back and forth once or twice a month for a few months and went out on a date last Saturday, October 21st. We met near one of the locations I planned to take her, went for a drink at a little bar, dinner at a nice Italian restaurant and then an after-dinner drink at a very intimate speakeasy.
Well, as 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back says: If she blew you off because you over-pursued, then she should be coming to you. Instead, what are you doing? You’re driving all the way to her. You should have been inviting her over to make dinner at your place in this case.
Again, this is part of the problem. You’re just so desperate to spend time with her, and you got her on a pedestal, you’re just glad that you have the opportunity to be around her. “I’m just happy to be here, Your Highness.” So already he’s doing the opposite of what he should be doing. I mean, he’s been following me for a year, yet he’s still basically behaving the same way that got him rejected the first time.
The date was about six hours total and could not have gone better.
Well, if you had gotten to the Promised Land, then that would have been great. The other thing is, if you’re driving two hours away, where are you going to have sex? What are the logistics of sex again? She should have been coming to you because she’s the one that blew you off. So I suspect what happened is he read the book and goes, “Oh, let me call this girl. Now I got Corey’s book and I’ll fix everything.”
At the first bar, she wanted to clear the air about ending our relationship two years ago.
It wasn’t a relationship, dude. You were just casually dating.
I kept that conversation short and focused on the personal growth that ending the relationship allowed me to do.
“Oh, but Your Highness, when you blew me off, I’m such a better man now. I hope you notice.”
So what does that statement tell me? It tells me he’s totally in the approval seeking mindset. That’s why he drove two hours to be with her. She blew him off. It should be the attitude of, “Hey, I’ll give her another chance if she’s willing to come to me and make dinner at my place,” but he didn’t do that.
Again, it just shows that he’s trying to prove himself to her. He’s trying to get her attention and validation. Basically, he’s acting like a woman. “Mommy, I grew a lot in the past two years. Can you pat me on the head and tell me I did good. I’m a better boy now.” Yeah, it’s a bad way to go, dude.
She initiated contact on my arm, legs, chest during all conversations.
Well, she’s touching you like that and she’s that close to you and she’s here and close enough to have her hand on your leg or your inner thigh, then I would be putting my hand, reciprocating slowly onto her inner thigh.
If she’s that close what are you going to do? Are you going to do the kiss test? You’re going to lick her lips. Then in her eyes and then her lips and her eyes, and you’re going to go in for the kiss. If she looks at your lips while doing that again, this is right out of the book, dude. You start making out. “Hey, let’s get out of here and go back to your place. Hey, I got a bottle of wine in the car. Let’s go back to your place and hang out.” If she says, “No, let’s have another drink,” then you continue to hang out and you do whatever.
We smiled and laughed all night. Shortly after arriving at the last bar she leaned in and gave me a passionate kiss and said, “That just needed to happen.”
It’s a good sign.
Over the next several hours we exchanged a few more passionate kisses, she put her head on my chest, told me she liked how I dressed, asked my advice on her business, told me about a psycho ex-boyfriend, and brought up ideas for future dates.
So at least at that moment in time, she was totally down.
With all of her body language and the kisses I’d put her attraction at a seven or eight.
Whoa, dude. Easy. You’re like a six, maybe. Like this is the first date after two years, bro. You’re way the idea and what the book says. You want to underrate her attraction level and you’re overrating it. Again, because you’re so dopey.
What’s happening is you’re projecting your high interest on her and you’re not paying attention. Again, you’re the one that drove two hours away for a girl that blew you off.
While talking on the phone on my drive home I made the mistake of telling her I am the type of guy who wants to date one woman (basically suggesting exclusivity).
Remember when I pointed out earlier on in the email about how he referred to her as an ex-girlfriend and how he basically views her as a girlfriend and he’s the most she’s the most beautiful woman in the world? To him, it’s like, he’s dopey. This has no effect on a woman’s interest in you. Drooling all over her and telling her how much you like her, and how you only want to date her after one date.
It’s a scientific fact that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear. Your super high interest is going to make her feel uncomfortable, and make her recognize that you’re way more into her than she’s into you. Typically, when a woman senses that and feels that, she backs away.
I now know after re-reading 3% Man and watching your videos on this topic that this was a big mistake.
As Confucius said, “Success depends upon prior preparation and without said preparation there is sure to be failure.”
So he didn’t read the book. He didn’t learn it. He just went through it recently. So that tells me that he probably hadn’t been through the book in years and just went back through it after he had this date, so he didn’t even do anything to really prepare for it. He just said, “I’m watching videos. Everything will be great. I don’t care what Corey says. I’m going to cherry pick and I’m awesome and it’ll work out great.” Yet here we are, reading his email, but I appreciate you sending in the email because it’s a good one to learn from.
Despite my mistake, Sunday-Thursday we exchanged great texts back and forth.
The phone is for setting dates, bro. You’re texting constantly. You’re probably. You’re high. You’re probably drooling all over her and your your texts. So you’re talking her out of liking you and basically going right back to the same exact behavior that caused her to blow you off two years ago.
She thanked me for an amazing date, sent a few selfies, requested pictures of me, told me she missed me, that she was grateful to hear from me, hearted many of my messages.
So he is going, “Oh, let me do more.” Remember, it’s a scientific fact that women are attracted to men whose feelings are unclear. Also, the phone is for setting dates, and here he is violating those principles as well, drooling all over her.
Women don’t care how much you like them or what a good dude you are. They only care about how they feel about you. That’s the important thing. So you drooling all over her is not going to make her like you more. She says, “Oh, this is wonderful and great,” but we just look at our actions, which we’ll see in a second.
On Thursday, I texted…
So it looks like he’s doing all the pursuing…
Notice what he says. What you should be saying, if you know the book, you should be like, “Hey, I want to see we should get together. What’s your schedule like?” I would have been inviting her to come see me, but what does he say?
Before I say his response here, does this look direct and decisive? Like a guy who’s confident and sure that, of course, she’s going to want to go on a date? Or does this look like, “Oh, Your Highness, please spend time with me. So great. You’re the love my life?”
…That I’d love to see her again this weekend (October 28th) and, “Should we make that happen?”
With a question mark? Women don’t like questions.
There was a scene I can’t remember which movie is. Maybe you guys can fact check me in the comments. It was with Angelina Jolie and Johnny Depp and there’s like this exact kind of thing is going there. She’s she basically said, “You should ask me out on a date,” or something along those lines. So the way he goes about it, she’s like, “No, no.”
Women don’t like questions. She’s like, “Try again,” and she gives him like three responses. Then he finally asks her out in a masculine, direct and decisive way. Of course, she goes out on a date. I can’t think of what the name of the movie was, but I’m sure you guys can remember it’s because I’ve talked about it in the past, but that’s a great scene, and maybe one of you guys can put a YouTube link or something, or a link to a video where you see that exact scene, so you can see what I’m talking about, because it’s really done well.
Her response back was an enthusiastic, “We should!!!!”
Remember, he’s just been drooling all over her, talking to her constantly every day, texting her every day, communicating how much he likes her.
After a few additional messages about other things…
Again, the phone is for setting dates, and he’s trying to get to know her through text.
…I asked her to call me when she was done with work (massage therapist) and we would make plans for the weekend. No reply and she has been silent since then (now four days).
I’m shocked. I’m shocked this happened. Not really. I could have had a V8, damn it!
I have not texted, called or messaged. I’ve been watching your videos and listening to 3% Man audio book non-stop.
Again, you got to be reading the book and if you listen to the book on two-speed while you follow along in a digital or physical copy, you can get through it in four hours. The fact that you’re just now reading this, when you’re in the middle of this whole thing, it’s like you have not been listening.
I say constantly, just about every video. You got to read the book 10-15 times. There’s no shortcuts to success. I constantly say it, and if you’re watching all these videos, you hear me say it over and over and over again and you’re not listening. Dude, that’s being a shitty student. “My life is going to be great,” but you’re the one writing in, and I can only imagine the pain, the emotional pain that you’re going through right now because you didn’t follow instructions.
That’s why I’m so harsh. I’m trying to shake you guys because again, masculine energy grows through challenges. So I’m challenging you in a way that’s I can’t believe he just roasted my ass because this behavior is inappropriate and it’s unattractive. That’s why she blew you off, and you haven’t heard from her in four days. I’ve been watching your videos and listening to 3% Man audio book non-stop
When she makes contact, is there anything specific I can say to undo the exclusivity mistake?
Again, his mindset is all, “How do I get a retention? How do I get her to pay attention to me? How do I get an atta-boy from my mommy?” This is the wrong mindset, dude. This is tennis. You hit the ball over the net. She hasn’t hit it back. She may never hit it back.
The phone is for setting dates, so if she reaches out then just say, “Hey, great to hear from you. I want to see you. What’s your schedule like? You should come to my part of town this time.” If she goes, “Oh, I don’t know, I’m not sure. I wanted to see how you’re doing and catch up.” Just say, “Well, I can’t talk right now. I’m about to step into a meeting, but I would definitely love to see you. I want you to come to my side of town, and we can make dinner together and go hang out afterwards. It’d be great. Let me know what your schedule is like.”
You got to think in terms of a sales person. If he’s talking to somebody on the phone, he has to get his prospect in front of him. You sell because if you’re going to sign on the dotted line, if you’re selling anything of significance, it’s like you’re going to do it in person, because that way you can answer objections. You can look at their face, you can read their body language. You can’t do that over text, and you’re trying to get to know her through text, which is the opposite of what the book teaches.
You’re literally doing the opposite of everything I teach. So you’re getting rejected for exactly the same reasons, because you’re giving off the same vibe you did two years ago. Literally nothing has changed in how you’re showing up. The first date went pretty well because you hadn’t seen or spoken to her basically in two years. Then right after that date, you went right back to making all exactly the same mistakes you made two years ago.
Nothing’s changed. That’s why she blew you off, because instead of being direct and decisive in getting the point, just making a date and then getting off the phone, you’re talking about nonsense, and you’re like, “Hey, yeah, give me a call later so we can set up those plans.” No, you should have just done it through text, dude.
Or do I just set the next date and move on as if I never said it?
It’s irrelevant. Again, he’s like, I got to apologize again for myself. No you don’t, dude. You’re not on a Barack Obama apology tour. You just do not do that. You’re an appointment setter. Make the fucking date a definite day, a definite time, and a definite place to get together. In this case, she should be coming to your house to make dinner together. If you dated her for seven weeks, she’ll be comfortable with you already, and she will come to your house to make dinner together. If she won’t, that’ll communicate she’s not that interested.
She needs to come to you next time that you don’t need to be hopping in your car and driving two hours away. For a girl that blew you off two years ago, that’s why she blew you off again, because you’re acting like the same beta male that you were then. It’s unattractive.
Is it OK to reach out after week or two to ask her out (your once a week plan)?
Of course not. Again, that is the opposite. Dating is like tennis. This is right out of the book. You hit the ball over the net and she hasn’t responded. You’re basically saying, “Hey Corey, can I double text her?” Are you trying to get to the point where she just blocks your number? Then yeah, keep doing that.
Any other advice so that I do not fuck this up?
Thank you for what you do!
Yeah, actually follow what’s in the book instead of doing the opposite. Stop trying to rationalize yourself and calling and texting more. It’s obvious since you haven’t heard from her in four days, she’s not feeling like she wants to talk to you. Obviously she didn’t want to see you this past weekend. Even though she said she did and was super excited. Once you started drooling all through the phone and putting her on a pedestal and kissing her ass, she blew you off because you gave her the same feelings that you gave her two years ago.
So what you do is you do nothing. You wait to hear from her and then you make the date. She should be coming to you. Pretty simple, but the book‘s not going to help you if you continue to do the opposite of it. Something to think about.
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.
*Amazon and the Amazon logo are trademarks of Amazon.com, Inc. or its affiliates. As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases. **Free with a new Audible.com membership
If you have a question you would like me to consider answering in a future Video Coaching Newsletter, you can send it (3-4 paragraphs/500 words max) to this email address: [email protected]
If you feel I have added value to your life, you can show your appreciation by doing one of the following three things:
From my heart to yours,
Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur