Being Impatient & Rushing Things With Women Leads To Rejection

Why being impatient & rushing things with women leads to rejection & what to do instead.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer in China who met a woman at a networking event. They had a good first date. However, he was due to leave in a few weeks and tried rushing to progress things and didn’t wait for her to get back to him about her schedule. She made the date but canceled the day of.

He’s confused as to why things went sideways. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Well as I say in 3% Man, depending on a woman’s interest, in other words, if you meet somebody and she’s super into you, you can make a bunch of mistakes and it’s not going to ruin your chances with her, but if her interest is kind of mediocre or not that high and you start making mistakes, you come off as needy and desperate. You tell her to get back to you after she checks her schedule, and then a couple days go by and you start freaking out because she hasn’t gotten back to yet. Then you call and you reach out. Typically what happens, you can only make a few of those mistakes, and then all of a sudden, poof! The girl dips on you.

So this particular email is from a guy, I guess I think he’s from the States, but he lives in China and he works internationally. He met a woman, I guess, at like a networking event. They seemed to click and hit it off. He made a first date with her. The first date seemed to go well. They were kissing and making out, but he didn’t invite her back to his place or anything like that. So for the next date, he was thinking, “Now I’m gonna invite her over to my place,” and when he’s setting a date, she wasn’t sure of her schedule. Then you could tell he became kind of impatient, didn’t wait for her to get back. On top of that, he’s going out of town. I mean, he’s going out of the country, I should say, for about one to two months. So he’s trying to see her as many times as he can before he leaves.

I say this a lot, most guys ruin good chances with girls just because they get impatient. So what happens is they start doing this, and the girl goes cold or she dips on them if her interest isn’t super high. You just can’t make too many mistakes before she’s like, “Ehh?” So this girl ends up cancelling their second date, doesn’t offer reschedule because she went out, stayed out late the night before their date, didn’t offer reschedule or anything, and he’s trying to reschedule it and she’s kind of putting him off. You can tell she’s just kind of blowing him off.

With China, remember, they have a one child policy and most of the girls get aborted because they thought it’d be better to have a son. So when they get old, they have a strong son to take care of them. So you got more dudes than you have girls in China, and from that perspective, women just have the leverage. So they’re probably, I would imagine, dealing with a lot of desperate, needy dudes just like women in the west do, but probably maybe a little exacerbated just because of the demographics of the population. This girl really seemed to be into this guy, but you could tell it quickly things unraveled just because he wasn’t able to exercise self-control and be patient.

The idea is you’re trying to go slower than she is. Even if it means you’re not going to see her for one or two months, because it’s a scientific fact that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear. Especially when you communicate tha you’re way more into her than she’s into you, you’re going to push girls away. So it’s a good email to help guys just kind of clean that behavior up, especially in the beginning when you’re trying to set dates because all they did was kiss. They didn’t sleep together or anything yet.

Viewer Email:

Hi Coach Corey,

I wanted to get your read on a situation which I think I recently blew up, but I’m not sure how. I know you have a word limit so I’ve split this email into background (Which you can skip) and the situation itself.

BACKGROUND:

I (34 years old) found your work about 1-2 months ago and have read your book 3-4 times (Three times cover-to-cover. I also reference it when I run into specific situations).

Well, you got to get through the book 10 to 15 times because even though you went through it three times already, you’re making a lot of mistakes here that you shouldn’t be making. This is why I say you got to read it 10 to 15 times, because each time you go through it, you’re maybe going to retain 8%, 9% on a good day, maybe 7%. So you have to get enough reads and going through it, especially because so much of this stuff is the opposite of what most of us think and feel we should do just because of societal conditioning.

To start with, I have been working remotely and traveling around the world for the past year, but spent the past couple months in China. I speak Mandarin fluently but not quite at native level, so sometimes I miss nuances or have small miscommunications. My interactions with women here are 98% in Mandarin, so I’ll be translating the interactions over.

I met a cute girl (25 years old, and to me, an 8/10) at an industry networking event a couple weeks ago, let’s call her Christina T. We exchanged numbers, and I followed up that afternoon with a text asking her how she found the event. She responded enthusiastically saying, “Not sure I got that much out of it but at least I got to meet you, so I think it went OK! Ha ha!”

So that seems like pretty high interest. Remember, the phones is for setting dates. If you’re with her and you’re getting her number, he’s like, “Hey, we should get together for a drink sometime,” or “Hey, we should get together for dinner sometime.” Then you exchange numbers and you’re like, “Hey, I’ll reach out to you earlier in the week,” or if you’re meeting her on a Friday say, “I’ll reach out to you next week sometime and we’ll plan something. That’d be great.” Then when you reach out, I’d say, “Hey Christina T, really enjoyed meeting you the other day and look forward to getting together for dinner. What’s your schedule like?” I’d be direct and decisive and not, “Hey, how’s your day going? Hey, what did you think of the event?” Those kinds of things are just unnecessary. If you like her, she likes you, she’ll be happy to hear from you and make a date, because the more you get into BS chit-chat, the higher the chances are that you’re going to bore the girl and she’ll just stop replying.

Again, if her interest is super high to start out with, you can get away with it, but if it’s low and you bore her, she’ll just stop replying. So the goal here is just to try to clean up your behavior and give you the best possible chances for success. If you haven’t read 3% Man yet, it’s free to read in the Members Area of my website. Just subscribe to the email newsletter and it’ll open up right in your web browser.

We chatted a bit and then I suggested we meet some time, to which she said “Definitely!”

Well, you should be making a date on the spot, not text her and talk about making a date and then wait a day.

I waited a day, then texted her setting a time for the following evening (Friday) and then followed up later with a location.

So he’s got like three or four different reach outs trying to set a date. This all happened in one conversation. Again, if the interest is high, you can get away with it. If the interest is low, there’s a good chance she’ll just stop replying in the middle of it.

The date went great in my opinion, we started at a restaurant and then went to two different bars. I am still retraining myself a bit, she did about 60-70% of the talking (I am trying to increase this to 80% in the future, although it’s hard since I think humor is one of my main selling points). The whole time, she was acting very feminine, wholesome, and cute, which I thought were all good signs. Towards the end of the evening, I took her by the hand and started slow dancing with her by the bar, and we kissed. We made out for a couple minutes, until it became clear that we were blocking the walkway! Afterwards we went on a walk and eventually called a cab.

Well, if you guys are all over each other, why not say, “Hey, why don’t we get out and go back to my place and have a nightcap or have a glass of wine?” If she’s down, she’ll say yes. If she’s not, she’ll say, “Let’s have another drink here,” or she’ll say, “Hey, it’s getting late. I need to go.” You should always shoot your shot. See how open she is to being alone with you. Remember, hang out, have fun while you’re hanging out, and hook up when the signs are there that she’s ready to be touched, kissed and seduced.

On the way home (Where we kept kissing), she gave me lots of interest indicators (e.g., Asking how long I would be in China). I said I need to leave to go on a business trip in mid-November, and then would probably be back after 1-2 months, and she said, “OK at least we still have a few weeks until then.”

So she’s saying things like that sounds like she’s still interested, but we always got to bottom line her actions. Sometimes women will say things when they already know they’re not going to see you again, just to kind of make you think that you’re into it, because they don’t want to create an awkward situation in person. It’s much easier just to blow you off and ghost you over the phone later.

When I dropped her off she said, “See you another day.” I played it cool and said “Sure,” but maybe I should have set up the next date when she asked that?

Nope, not at all. Again, you’ve been through the book three times. Just making a date is kind of messy, but again, it seemed like she had high interest, so you’re able to get away with it.

After I dropped her off, she texted asking me to text her when I got back home (Which I did). I’d say her interest level in me by the end of the evening was a 7-7.5.

I would have put it at probably a six, five to a six. Maybe you’re overrating her interest. The idea is, it’s better to underrate it to think that she’s less interested than she actually is, because if you overrate the interest, you get a little cocky, you start making mistakes.

SITUATION:

After that, I waited until Tuesday to text her. I playfully said “Hello, Ms. T!” She responded with “Hello, Mr. Bob!” And wrote a paragraph saying about how she had gotten a new internship. I asked if she was free in the next few days and she said she was not sure how her work schedule would be since she just started, but she would let me know once she figured it out.

OK, so that’s important. I say this a lot in videos, you’ve got to give women the time and space to follow through on their plans and commitments, or to flake out and disappear forever. We want to make sure she’s really into you as well and she does what she says she’s going to do. If she really likes you and wants to see you, she’ll check her schedule, figure it out, and get back to you, but typically when she reaches back out, she’s not going to say, “Hey, I checked out my schedule and here’s my availability.” Most of the time they’ll just say, “Hey, how are you?” Or send a meme, and it’s your job as the appointment setter to be direct, be decisive, get right to the point and say, “Hey, great to hear from you! So when are you available to get together?”

Her communication up to this point was flowery, writing long texts, full of exclamation points and “ha ha’s.” Since I am practicing communicating with fewer words over text and wanted to come off as reserved, I replied “Alright.”

Well she says, “Hey, let me check my schedule and get back to you.” “Hey, sounds good. Alright.” There’s no reason for that, but he’s overthinking it. Why? Because he’s worried. He’s desperate. He’s afraid because he really likes her that she’s gonna dip on him.

More than likely, he’s new to my work. This is probably what happens most of the time when he meets a girl he really likes. It starts off hot and heavy, and then it quickly fizzles. As you know, I’ve discussed many times with the girls in the podcast, most guys get two to three weeks before they blow it. They become impatient, they start acting weird, they come off as needy, clingy and desperate. Then it starts out the first week, the girls are really into the guys, but by the third week they’ve already talked them out of liking them.

So if that’s what a guy is used to doing and not used to women getting back to him, he’s used to getting blown off, he’s going to fear that if he doesn’t do something, as I call the illusion of action in the book, that she’s never going to get back to him, or worse, she’s going to forget about him. If you’re the prize, you’re the catch and you’re one of the 1%, you should have the attitude that it’s good for her that she met you. In other words, she hit the lottery, but when you’re coming from a deficit, in other words, you’re already showing up thinking you’re less than and she’s probably going to blow you off like all the others, your actions are driven by fear instead of confidence. Confidence would be like, “Oh yeah, I’m sure she’ll get back to me,” but if you’re full of fear and you’re not used to women following through and always getting rejected, well when a woman says she’s going to check her schedule and get back to you and then she doesn’t get back as quickly as you wanted or thought she would, what happens? The illusion of action kicks in and then you start reaching out.

Again, if the woman’s interest isn’t very high and you can’t wait a few days for her to follow through, that might be all it takes for her to go, “Hey, I’m not feeling it. There’s no chemistry. There’s no spark.”

Maybe I came across as too wooden?

I would say, nope, not at all.

Here’s where maybe I rushed things a bit: I was a) Worried I had come across as too wooden…

So now he’s doubting and second guessing himself, because really, the reason why he’s starting to worry is because a couple of days went by and he’s thinking, “Oh, she’ll probably get back to me in a few hours and tell me her schedule.” Then two days go by and he’s like, “Oh, maybe I was too cold. It was too wooden. Uh oh, better do something,” and he doesn’t wait to get back to her. Sometimes women will just wait to see if a guy freaks out, because that’s usually what they’re looking for, is a dude that gets upset, angry and blows his top. So oftentimes women will do things like this just to see how you react.

…And b) Also hoping we would be able to pick up the pace…

It’s the wrong way to go. You’re trying to go slower than she is, not faster.

…and see each other a few more times before leaving.

Even though she said it, we’re trying to take measured steps. We’re just going slow because if you go slower than she wants, then what happens? She starts calling and texting you more and she picks up the pace. You got to let women come to you at their pace. That’s a key point from the book. Again, I know you went through it three times, but you just haven’t been through it enough to pick that little subtle nuance up from the book.

So a bit over 48 hours later (On Thursday), I sent her a voice note asking how the internship was going.

Again, this is BS conversation. If you’re going to reach out, the phone is for setting dates, not getting to know somebody. So he’s thinking, “Oh, let me just BS with her for a little bit and warm her up, and then I’ll get to the point of why I reached out.”

We chatted back and forth over text a bit and then I said I’d love to hear about it in more detail when we see each other in person. She said, “Sure!” And suggested Sunday, to which I said, “I would check but does Saturday work?” She said her cousin is coming on Saturday to hang out, “But how about Monday?” I walked it back and confirmed Sunday.

So when you do that, it looks like you’re just desperate. You want to see her Saturday because it’s a day earlier because again, in your mind you’re thinking, “Oh, I got to pack a bunch of dates in before I leave.” It’s the wrong mindset. It’s too much too soon. You’re in too much of a rush. James Bond would be cool with seeing her again or waiting until he got back. If by the time she got back because she was with somebody else, he’d be like, “Whatever. There will be another bus every 15 minutes,” so you can’t get impatient like this.

I suggested going to the zoo and said I’d pick her up at 3 p.m. (I know you recommend evening dates, but I thought the zoo would be romantic, and we could have dinner and potentially go back to my place if things went well).

Well again, you’re bending the rules in the book. They’re there for a reason. So if you invite her to a zoo date in the middle of the day and you don’t talk about dinner or anything, there’s a good chance she might, “Oh, we’re going to go to zoo for a couple hours, and that’ll be the end of it. So I can go hang out with my friends at night,” and then she’ll make other plans behind you. That’s the reason why you do dinner dates or you do evening dates. If you’re doing a date in the evening, that’s a date. If you’re doing something during the day ,that could be more platonic. If you’re on the edge or you’re in one of those situations where it’s a girl you’ve known for a while and you’ve always been friends, and you go out to do platonic things, if you keep giving off the platonic vibe, you’ll stay in the platonic zone, the friend zone.

She said, “OK, see you Sunday!”

Well then, Sunday. Remember her cousin was coming in town Saturday.

Then Sunday morning, I received a text:

Her (8:41 a.m.): “Sorry (With a sobbing emoji), yesterday I was out too late with friend(s) (Singular vs plural is ambiguous in Mandarin). Not feeling well this morning, so I’m going to stay at home this afternoon and rest.”

Me (9:13 a.m.): “OK, so should we do a different time? Or a different date?”

Again, does that sound very confident? I would have responded, “Hey, no problem. Hit me up when you’re feeling better and we can re-plan something then,” because again, you’re giving her the time and space to follow through on plans and commitments or to flake out and disappear forever. So if she just cancelled a date, doesn’t offer a reschedule, it kind of looks like a blow-off. It kind of looks like she just decided she didn’t really want to go to the zoo. I know you thought it was romantic, but I wouldn’t be doing a daytime date to the zoo. I’d be doing something in the evening that is romantic.

So the first mistake was you didn’t wait for her to get back to you. That showed that you were impatient. Then she offers Sunday and then you try to get a day earlier because again, you’re impatient and thinking, “Well, I don’t want to wait till Sunday. Let’s do Saturday,” and she says, “Well, how about Monday?” Putting it back to a later date and you’re like, “OK, let’s do Sunday,” that just makes you look like you’re needy, desperate and impatient, and you’re what you’re trying to do is trying to get her to see you sooner. Remember, she replies at 8:41 a.m. He replies what, 30 minutes later? She waits two hours.

Her (11:30 a.m.): “Ah just woke up. Let’s do a different date.”

I wanted to let her know my travel plans had gotten more concrete and I would be leaving on the following Sunday, and figured it would be simpler to call. She declined my call and texted a question mark emoji.

Again, that looks like you’re impatient. “Oh my god! Oh no, she’s cancelling! Oh fuck, how do I fix this?”

Her (11:52 a.m.): “?”

And was like, “Are you fucking calling me?”

Her (11:52 a.m.): “What’s up?”

Me (11:52 a.m.): [Voice note saying I was just calling to let her know I would be leaving the following Sunday]

Her (12:00p p.m.): “OK got it. Well, I’ll be pretty busy from Wednesday-Monday with work, so we’ll probably have wait until you get back to schedule something.”

Me (12:04 p.m.): “Ah OK.”

At this point, I am assuming it won’t go anywhere with her. I might ping her in 2-3 weeks to see where her head is at, although anyways I’ll be out of town at that point.

I would not reach out to her until you get back. I wouldn’t do anything because it just looks like she’s not interested. She’s not. Remember at the end of your first date she’s saying, “Oh, we got a few weeks before you leave.” Now she’s like, “Well, I guess we’ll just have to wait till you get back,” because she can tell you’re being impatient. That’s coming off as needy, clingy and desperate. You notice she’s putting him off when he said Saturday after she suggested Sunday. Then she puts it to Monday and he says, “OK, let’s do Sunday.” Then she cancels and he’s like, “Should we reschedule?” Doesn’t sound very confident.

Again, if the interest isn’t that high, you just can’t make that many mistakes before she’s like, “Ahh, he’s needy and desperate,” like all the other guys are that she meets.

What happened? I am wondering so many things, like maybe I shouldn’t have waited so long to see her after the first date?

Dude, that was your problem. You were too impatient, and you haven’t been through the book enough. You’re just missing little subtle nuances and making mistakes. The biggest thing that you did initially was when she says she’ll check her schedule and get back to you, you wait for her to check her schedule and get back to you.

So what if she waited four days or she waited five days? At least if she’s reaching out, her interest has gone up even higher and you’re like, “Hey, you! When are you available?” If she tells you and it’s after you’re leaving, say, “Well, I’m leaving on Friday. Do you have any time earlier in the week that we can get together? Otherwise we’ll have to wait till I get back,” because you should be the one saying those things. You want her to be the one that’s disappointed like, “Oh, I’m not going to be able to see him.” Instead, when you communicate that you’re disappointed, you’re upset, you’re not going to see her, you’re communicating that she’s got all the leverage, and if her interest isn’t high, you just can’t make that many mistakes before she’s like “Eh.”

Or maybe I should have waited even longer to text her? Maybe there’s just another guy in the picture or what?

Confused and frustrated since I think I was doing things pretty much by the book and I really liked her, and I thought she was into me as well. Anyways, looking forward to any feedback you have!

Bob

I’d say you talked and text her out of liking you. You looked needy, you looked desperate, you looked clingy and you weren’t congruent with your words. You told her you were going to wait for her to get back to you with her schedule. You waited two whole days and then you couldn’t hold out any longer. Then when you called her and you blew up her phone like that, she’s like, “What the fuck?”

Again, if her interest is super high, it’s not a big deal, but when her interest is kind of mediocre, and on top of that she canceled a date, you were willing to jump through your butt and try to make another reschedule and you completely ignore the fact the fact she canceled the date, didn’t offer a reschedule, and was like, “Oh, was out late with friends.” Just sounded like she just really didn’t want to go to the zoo thing in the middle of the day. Her interest was not high enough. So again, it doesn’t take much to ruin your chances with a girl when her interest isn’t that high. So you just got to clean up your texting game. When a girl tells you she’s going to get back to you, give her the space to get back to you or to never get back to you, because if she never gets back to you, then you delete the number and move on with your life.

You want women that are really excited to see you, that are flexible, that aren’t going to blow you off and be irresponsible and say, “Oh, I went out and I stayed out late the night before,” because if she’s really remorseful and really wanted to see you, yet she was really feeling bad, she’s like, “I really don’t feel good. I’m going to stay home and get better, but I want to see you before you leave. What other days do you have available?” She would have mentioned something about a reschedule. The fact that she didn’t just shows she was blowing him off.

So I would say if you want to zero in on where you really went sideways, it was your texting and trying to set the second date. It just came off as needy, desperate and clingy. It’s a bad way to go. Again, that’s all laid out in the book. Even though you went through the book three times, you completely whiffed, but that’s OK. It’s just one girl. You want somebody that’s really super into you, and this girl had mediocre interest at best. It was probably a five or a six on a scale of one to 10 because again, we just look at her actions. You rated it as a seven-and-a-half to an eight, and I was like, “That’s way too high. Way too high. Not even close.”

If you haven’t already signed up for our exclusive premium Members Only content, in the video description is video, there are links to join on YouTube, to join on Spotify or our website UnderstandingRelationships.com. Just click the “plans” tab. When you get there, you can do a 7-day free trial to check out all the great content you get for your money. If you choose an annual plan, you can get a 25% discount at the end of the 7-day free trial. So go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the “plans” tab, and sign up for a premium membership trial today.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly.