Why and how beta males create toxic women.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who just broke it off again for the second and apparently final time with his toxic ex-girlfriend. She was raised by a beta male father who allowed his wife and daughters to walk all over him and treat him like a doormat. She was spoiled, entitled and extremely difficult to deal with.
He now realizes it would never have worked with her, because she was too difficult and demanding. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
Ideally, you want a woman who’s easygoing, easy to get along with and communicates when you ask her what she’s thinking and feeling. She will actually just tell you effortlessly, without holding back, without saying, “I don’t want to talk about it,” just refusing to talk and communicate. When you ask her a question, because you want to know what she’s thinking and feeling, she’s going to tell you. Those women are the easiest to get along with, because you can just talk and working things out. You can understand where she’s coming from, it’s easy to make her feel heard and understood, and it also helps you to make it easy to resolve differences.
And so, there’s a lot of interesting things in here that he brings up. One of the things I always talk about, and I got this term from Jocko Willink, is taking extreme ownership. And that’s something I’ve personally always done in my life. I always looked at, whether it was business partners, or women I dated, or toxic people I attracted into my life, I always looked at it as a gift.
Everything that happens, life is happening for you, not to you. You’re not a victim. When you decide that you’re a victim, you’re powerless to change anything, because if it’s not your fault, there’s nothing to fix. And every bad thing that happens, it’s either part of your life path, or that person is there to teach you a lesson, so you can fill in your knowledge gap or maybe fix a blind spot that you have in how you’re vetting and interacting with other people.
He brings up a lot of good things in his email, because I see this, especially a lot of these guys that get involved in the red pill community. They get validation that it’s not their fault, and then they get really pissed off. It’s the term “the red pill rage.” It’s like, great, be pissed off, but you’ve got to do something about it. It’s just like being overweight. You did it to yourself.
If you accepted somebody that dicked you over, you’ve got to think, “Well, maybe it was the level and tenor of my thoughts. What did I do to open myself up to attract somebody like that into my life, so I can get better and not ever do that again?” Not just mass saying, “Well, women are bad,” or “All western women suck, and you should go to Europe and find yourself a wife there, because all American women suck.” That’s absurd. That’s ridiculous, and only a beta male talks like that. That’s reality.
And I get a lot of grief about it, but I don’t care. Because I’m a man. I speak my truth and I come from a place of honor and integrity, and I expect the people in my life to behave the same way. A leader leads by example. If you notice, if you read How To Be A 3% Man, the bad things that happened in my relationships in the past, I’m not pissed off and mad at the women that I encountered these things with. I looked at it as a learning experience, that they all shaped me into the guy that I am today, which enables me to teach the things I teach to help people’s lives be better. At the end of the day, the reviews that I get on my books, they speak for themselves.
The problem that I see with a lot of guys, especially ones that get involved in the red pill community, they are just toxic. They’re pissed off, they’re angry, they want to blame everybody else, and they want to go and complain about women. There’s lots of channels, that’s all they do is complain about single moms, women in general, and western women, and it’s absurd. They’re just enabling continuing the same behavior, not fixing their wounds or healing their wounds. They justify continuing being the same way, and then they continue to attract the same people over and over and over again, and it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I’m all about solutions. I’m all about ease and delight and being a man, always — an unperturbable man that is unaffected by the women in your life, the women that you have relationships with. And I know I’m weird, and I’m out there, and I’m different, and I have unusual spiritual beliefs that most people don’t jive with. There was a video that we published the other day on spirituality that I did with Gracie and Jenn, “Spirituality Helps Us To Make Sense of Life,” and it’s like, there’s so much butt hurt in the comments about that particular video. It’s like, I don’t care. I don’t care what other people think. I’m going to live, I’m going to speak my truth.
It’s just like some of the women I wrote about in How To Be A 3% Man. Those love stories, they’re still going on many decades later. We weave in and out of each other’s lives. I know that’s unusual for most people. When I tell people about my ex wife and I, when we split up, I set her up with friends of mine. People are like, “What?” I just look at life differently, I look at relationships differently, and it’s my spiritual beliefs that help me to look at people as fellow spiritual beings on the same path.
I know the ultra conservative Christians, it just sends them into orbit when I talk about these things. It’s like, I don’t care. I don’t live according to your expectations. I live according to mine. I live my truth, you live your truth. Live and let live. If you don’t like the way I am, you don’t believe it, you’re free to follow any of the other millions of channels out there.
This isn’t a coaching request. I just wanted to say thank you. You had said in one of your videos that beta father figures breed toxic women.
Yeah, they don’t set and enforce healthy boundaries and put guardrails on their daughters.
My ex who I’ve been on and off for since 2016 has exactly this. The father is walked all over by his wife and two daughters. Yes, they have a loving family, but it’s due to the father having accepted being a doormat.
You get entitled, spoiled women that huff and puff, and they’re used to the guy backing down. They’re used to always getting their way. And when somebody always gets their way, they become spoiled and arrogant and full of themselves. And even a guy that’s totally in his masculine is going to have a difficult time with these women, especially now, because his ex is currently twenty-five and her sister’s twenty-nine.
What’s the likelihood that they’re going to change and become different at this point in their lives? They may become a better version of themselves. But at the end of the day, they’re still going to be entitled and they’re going to be a pain in the ass to deal with, because that’s what they saw growing up. They’re emotionally conditioned to seek that out and to be that way.
Both daughters have the exact same personality trait in that they require the same kind of submission in the men that they date, just like their father has submitted to the women of his life. They are both objectively gorgeous, but they are unable to hold onto relationships.
An alpha male is just simply not going to put up with that stuff. If she’s not easygoing, easy to get along with, feminine, submissive, he’s going to get tired of her bullshit. I had that happen in my relationship I had with my Brazilian girlfriend. She grew up without a dad. And she was an absolute fucking smoke show, one of the most beautiful women I’ve ever seen or dated in my life.
She was spoiled, she was entitled, and she was difficult to get along with, and I’m easygoing, easy to get along with. Just talk to me, tell me what’s in your heart. And when you have somebody that just refuses to do that, it makes it impossible to work anything out. I eventually just got tired of it, because I know what easy and effortless is like, and it wasn’t easy and effortless to be with her. My attitude was, as much as it hurts, I’m going to go find somebody else.
My ex is currently 25, her sister is 29, and they still remain single. I never gave into the demand for submission, and that caused too much tension over the years for the relationship to be worth it.
Yeah, they’re relentless. They don’t stop. They’re emotionally anchored to that behavior. Maybe when they get older, maybe when they hit the wall, so to speak, as Rollo talks about in his book “The Rational Male,” which I think is a good book and everybody should read it. Maybe they lose their looks. Maybe they get dumped enough by enough high value guys that they start to recognize, “Well, maybe I am the problem.” But what’s the likelihood or the odds of that happening?
As as a man who has his shit together, you are supposed to say, “That’s it. I’ve tried. I’ve given it several years,” or whatever it happens to be. “I don’t want to deal with this.” It’s like, life has enough problems, and difficulty, and challenges for us to have to put up with this crap all the time.
Even my compromises were not enough. A compromise of my values and/or life goals would just result in her literally moving the goal posts and wanting more.
Well, part of your problem is you didn’t stand up for yourself. You’re trying to be flexible and you’re agreeing to things that you don’t really want to agree to, because you’re trying to please her. That is weakness, and you’re actually exhibiting the same behavior that her father did. You’re displaying weakness.
That’s part of the reason why she doesn’t react too well when you go back on your word or something that’s important to you, because you’re caving and you’re displaying weakness. You’re acting like a beta male when you do that.
Everything was a battle.
Keep in mind, this guy is an attorney. Attorneys, that’s what they do, they argue for a living.
From what takeout to order, to where we would live if we ever moved in together. A prime example: I’m an attorney and she is a teacher. I’m well into the six-figure income range while she’s at $40-50k a year and has summers off. We had discussed where we would live if we ever moved in together, and for her it somehow made sense for me to commute 1.5 hours one-way while she would be right next to the school she works at. I never agreed outright, but I said I’d be okay with a 1-hour commute.
Do you really want to have the one hour commute? I mean, I just did a success story, “True Love Is Willing To Let Go When They Want To Leave.” And so, this particular guy, a high achieving guy, his girlfriend wanted him to move to Canada, because she’d just gotten a great promotion. And they had a great relationship, but he’s like, “I don’t want to live there.” And she basically said, “Well, we can’t be together.” And he’s like, “I respect your decision. If you’re going to choose your career over us, then God bless you. Go with God and be happy. But call me when you change your mind.”
And guess what? She did, she got in touch. She’s giving up her career, and she’s going to move to the States, and she’ll find a job somewhere near where they live together, because he was a fucking man. And she’s a strong willed, career oriented woman, and she ain’t going to put up with some little fucking beta male.
Then she said that once we had kids she wouldn’t want to work ever again, but she still wanted to live where she wanted. I said, we’ll see.
Again, this is what happens. She’s entitled, she expects to always get her way, and she’s going to be relentless. And that’s why, if you’re going to date women like this, it is super important that you are consistent. You can’t be consistent nine out of ten times. You have to be consistent ten out of ten times. Because as soon as you show weakness or a chink in your armor, she’s going to exploit it and try to see if she can intimidate you more.
And it sounds like she did a pretty good job of that, because you’re constantly trying to compromise. It’s kind of like the negotiations that we have with the Taliban. Basically, the Taliban got everything that they wanted, and we were the ones always compromising. Just like the Republicans tend to always compromise with the people on the left, and there’s not mutual compromise happening very much.
Even if I had agreed to it, I’d be able to support the family. Two weeks later she said that she wants to quit her job “right now” for her father to open up a prom dress store for her. I had asked her how her father would afford the startup costs, and she said that if the father can’t, then I WOULD JUST FINANCE IT FOR HER! So, all in all, I won 0.5 hours less commute in my compromise and ended up with also having to finance her bullshit business. Needless to say, I never agreed to move in together.
Good, because a woman has to earn something from you. She has to earn your time, she has earn your attention, especially if you’re going to go into business together, in your relationship, whether you’re married or you’re living together, whatever, she’s got to earn that. She’s not entitled to that.
And is she capable of running her own business? Is it something she really wants to do and would be consistent at? You have to judge all of those things. Do you really want to go into business with your girlfriend or your wife? Those are other things that you’ve got to consider.
Another gem was that she would constantly complain about the hours I had to work. Sometimes it’s 10-hour days. When I asked her if it was fair for me to have a 2 to 3-hour commute back-and-forth in addition to the crazy hours, she basically said, “meh.”
Again, as a man, you should be strong enough to say, “No, I’m not going to do a three hour commute. You commute to me, the woman submits to the man.” And I’ve got to say, dude, after going through this email and now I’m reading it again here in the video newsletter, you compromised too much. You were too much of a pleaser.
You displayed a lot of the same beta male characteristics that her father did, so on some level, a lot of her behavior, you enabled it, because she knew that she could just wear you down. But then the other question is, “Do I really want to be with a woman that’s constantly trying to wear me down and get me to comply with her unreasonable demands? Is she easygoing, easy to get along with?” And I don’t see that. She doesn’t seem like she was easygoing, easy to get along with.
I told her to go find someone with a less demanding job, like another teacher. Needless to say, she didn’t take it well.
Of course she’s going to throw a temper tantrum, because that’s probably what she did with her father, throw a temper tantrum. The dad doesn’t like to see her upset, and then he caves. That’s why you have to be consistent ten out of ten times. I know there are guys that are watching this that are in a similar situation and they don’t want to break up. And my job as a coach is to help people get what they want, to give them the tools they need to have the kind of relationship they want.
The only thing we have control over is what we actually do as men. And then if we’re doing our part and showing up, like I talk about in “How To Be A 3% Man,” then you can make an intelligent, informed decision on whether or not to continue with it or pull the ripcord like this guy did.
Apparently, she’s cool with a life partner who’s never home but pays for everything, just like her father. GEE, I wonder why.
The last time we broke up was in May, 2019. I had done the dumping because I knew that she was pulling away and I was tired of her shit, but I gave it another shot after we had not seen or spoken to each other for the entire pandemic, (June, 2021). It was a mutual lets-get-back-together-and-our-problems-were-dumb-and-we-shouldnt-have-broken-up. I had deeply missed her, and I had hoped time would let her mature a little.
After a shit show of a “let’s try again” two-month period this June-August, I broke it all off and went no-contact. Not just any no-contact though. I realized once again that it just is not workable, and I deleted her off all social media, cut all means of contact and even deleted her sister, mother and cousins off social media and blocked all their numbers. I snapped at her and lost my cool verbally, but I don’t care if it made me look weak. I spoke my mind. Good riddance. I don’t know how she’s doing, or if she found someone else, but I don’t care to know.
I started watching your videos out of desperation and missing her over the last couple weeks. After 50+ videos, I’ve realized that I just need to move on and leave this girl in the past. I dare her to find someone better.
That’s a good attitude to have.
It’s a shame because the chemistry was out of this world. When it was good it was amazing, and I know I won’t find that kind of intense chemistry again.
Well, I don’t agree with that. It really it’s about you becoming the kind of person that you want to attract. And ideally, you want a woman who is easygoing, easy to get along with. And so, you’ve got to question, what was it that caused you to attract or allow this particular ex of yours into your life, so you don’t attract somebody just like her again in the future, get all caught up in your emotions and then realize a year or two down the road, she’s a lunatic and you can’t deal with that.
I’d settle for a stable, loving partner who won’t drive me insane than a toxic unicorn any day.
I agree with that.
People who find your videos and book are trying to figure out how to get exes back.
A lot of them are, or they’re trying to fix a relationship that’s going sideways.
They should really be watching the videos regarding why they would even want that to happen. I know you clearly don’t 100% agree with his philosophy, but Doc Love was right: you get one chance per girl, per lifetime.
Well, quite frankly, that’s a pretty good rule of thumb. But at the end of the day, the heart wants with the heart wants. And if a guy wants to get his ex back because he drove her away through unattractive behavior on his part, when he gets her back, he can get the experience of attracting her the right way, and she falls head over heels back in love. Just like I talked about my girlfriends in my book that I had that experience with.
And then, you’re at choice as a man, which is quite frankly where you’re supposed to be. You’re supposed to be holding all the cards. And if it doesn’t work out, then you can be the one that pulls the plug on it and move on with your life. And then, when you do it that way, you’re no longer worrying about what if? Should I have done this? Should I have done that? You got to experience her at her best and her worst, because you were showing up as your best self.
I have no doubt that there are exceptions, and people can have happy lives with exes, but life is too short to dwell on it, especially with the extremely toxic ones.
I ordered the book off Amazon, but for the next few months I want to focus on myself, so I’ll read it at my own pace and jump back into the game when I’ve been able to decompress from this 5-year rollercoaster.
I’m in the middle of changing law firms, and I’ll be going to a Manhattan law firm. It’s even more demanding, and until I prove myself there, I don’t want to deal with entertaining women for now.
Unless she’s easygoing, easy to get along with, she’s your joy. We did a video on that, it was Gracie, Chunky and I, called “Advice For Women: Be His Joy.” It was for women. Me giving women advice about being his joy. You want a woman who just brings joy into your life, and happiness, and smiles, whose easygoing, easy to get along with and who’s kind to you. And obviously, this woman was not like that.
Granted, you could have shown up better, but she is the way she is. You spent enough time together, good and bad, to know what you were dealing with, and you made the right decision that was right for you. But you’ve got a knowledge gap, and you’ve got to get better as a man.
If you want to attract a good woman who’s easygoing, easy to get along with, you’ve got to do the work. You’ve got to put the time in. You’ve got to learn the material. There’s no way around it, there’s no shortcuts to success. Just like you’re going to have to go through the process at the new law firm of proving yourself.
When I’m ready to get back into the game and in a good headspace, I’ll be ready to do it the right way.
I encourage you, if you haven’t, to read “How To Be A 3% Man” for free at UnderstandingRelationships.com. Just subscribe to the email newsletter. You can read “Mastering Yourself,” my second book, a book of self-reliance, and then also my third book, “Quotes, Ruminations & Contemplations.” All three books are available everywhere in audio, paperback, hardcover and digital format.
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“Alpha males take extreme ownership for every aspect of their lives. They never blame others for mistakes or allowing toxic people into their lives. They know that if they allowed a toxic person into their inner circle, they either failed to properly vet and screen out the bad people, or the level and tenor of their thoughts and intentions and how they were showing up attracted them into their lives. Beta males don’t like taking extreme ownership for ALL of their mistakes, only some of their mistakes. When you fail to take extreme ownership for all of your mistakes, you justify blaming others and enable the continuation of flawed thinking and actions that results in undesirable outcomes.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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