Bitter Sweet Truth: I’m Not A Priority To Her

Dealing with the bitter sweet truth that you are not a priority to her due to her low romantic interest and lack of effort.

In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email update from a viewer whose previous email I answered in my video newsletter titled, “Alcohol: Liquid Courage or Attraction Killer” from 6 years ago. His girlfriend of the last 2 years moved away for school and then simply faded away 3 months ago. He says she was always quiet, but once she moved away, her effort continued to decrease until she completely ghosted him.

Now he wonders what happened, but the signs of low interest and effort were always there. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Obviously he’s a little perplexed. There’s there’s a chapter in my book called “It’s All in the Numbers” where you have the attraction table. That’s where I go through and list what women will do based upon their interest in you. And when you go through the email, you can tell there’s just a general lack of effort and enthusiasm. I mean, I think he said it took a year and a half before she even introduced him to her family. And so, there was just a total lack of effort, and he completely ignored this the whole time, almost like he was just focused on, “Hey, we’re having sex, we’re hooking up. Things must be great.” And so, it just goes to show you’ve got to pay attention.

I think it was Ayn Rand that said, “You can ignore reality, but you can’t ignore the consequences of ignoring reality.” And that’s kind of what I see when I go through this email. He just wasn’t really paying attention to so many things that are important that are listed in the chapter, “It’s All in the Numbers.” She just wasn’t doing these things, and then he’s kind of surprised that she just faded away.

So, it’s a good email to show the importance of paying attention to a woman’s actions in a long term relationship. You can’t just assume, because she’s with you that she loves you and really cares about you. You have to look at her specific actions, what she does and what she says. Because the reality is, a lot of women, they settle too. They marry guys that they’re not in love with. A lot of women, and men, for that matter, stay in relationships that aren’t really doing it for them. And then something like this happens, where I think it’s about 75% of the time they end the relationships, and you can just tell he’s kind of like, “Hey, I don’t understand what happened.” It’s just that she was not displaying signs she was super interested in him.

Viewer’s Email:

Dear Coach,      

I am a long-time follower. Six years ago, you covered an email I had sent, the “Alcohol: Liquid Courage or Attraction Killer” video.  Well, fast forward to today, I’m wiser having studied and applied How To Be A 3% Man, though, I would like your advice.

I say, read it 10 to 15 times for a reason – so you commit it to memory and you don’t have to think about it. So, overall, because I’ve been through this email a couple of times, it looks like he read the book a few times, got some success, learned the pickup and seduction parts, but never really learned the relationship part and didn’t know the material that well.

And that’s what I see a lot. Guys will learn the pickup and dating skills and they’re like, “Hey, we’ve been hooking up and things are great. It’s been easy and effortless for all these months.” And then six months, a year down the road later, because they never learned the relationship skills, is where things really start to go sideways.

There’s been countless times when I’m doing phone sessions with guys – and they’re really smart, super intelligent dudes, very successful, high income, high net worth people – and they’re just like, “Yeah, I was one of those guys, coach. I didn’t think I needed to listen to you. I knew better because I’m multi millionaire. I built this big company. I’ve got all this great stuff in my life. I’m pretty smart. I don’t need to read your book 10 to 15 times. It’s a good book, but I don’t need to read it 10 to 15 times.” And I’ll be like, “Yet, you’re on a phone call with me.” Because all of the best success stories are guys that read it 10, 15, 20, 30 times or more.

Two years ago, I hosted a party for several friends and colleagues. A colleague invited his employee, a lady 15 years younger than me.  I recognized her. She had been in my lab frequently months prior, using equipment for her experiments. Unbeknownst to me, she observed me the entire party, and when the guests left, she remained.

She moved in for her prey. The good thing you see is that this guy, he’s got his life together. He’s set up, he’s successful. He’s highly admired and respected by his peers. This woman notices that and is like, “Well, this is a high status dude. He’s a competent man.” And the beta males that don’t understand it get really pissed off.

There was a video that I did, myself and one of the girls, just a couple of days ago, and it was like, who should pay on the dates? And man, the butt hurt comments. “This is one thing I just disagree with, Coach!” You can tell all the guys that are butt hurt and probably aren’t doing that well financially. They get really insecure around that topic and get upset and start hurling insults. Part of the problem is, deep down, they don’t feel like competent men, therefore, it’s not their fault. It’s somebody else’s fault. Things should be 50/50.

For me, personally, I’ve always done well, I’ve always worked my ass off. Even when I was a teenager, I was one of the few guys that I grew up with that actually always had money, whether it was from fixing up my car, or taking trips or whatever. I liked to have money. I hustled. I always hustled. And if I had parties, I got food, I got booze.

Now, granted, not everybody can afford to do those things, but at the end of the day, as a man, as time goes by, you should be growing your reserve of knowledge and developing your gifts, your skills and your talents, so you can earn more over time. Not just say, “Oh, it’s all the rich guys. They get everything!” That’s an easy way for them to absolve themselves from the fact that they’re not leveling up in their lives like they should be.

While helping me put away perishable items, she flirted with me and threw several tests my way.

And so, this guy has achieved a level of success. Now, some of these guys would be like, “Oh, he’s rich an he’s successful. That’s why he got this girl.” The reality is they just don’t have much of a personality and they haven’t developed themselves. And so, it’s easy for them to be like, “Oh, it’s just because you’re rich,” or “It’s just because you’re good looking,” or whatever it happens to be.

I was able to easily spot them. She even tried staring at me to see if I would look away.

Or maybe she was just eye-fucking you. But the good news is you didn’t look away. At least at that time, you were doing the right things. I’d say, mostly, the pickup and seduction stuff, here. And this is where guys fall into the trap. They’re getting laid and they’re like, “Hey, I don’t need read this book 10 to 15 times. I don’t need all that other stuff. It’s not important. I’ve got this. I’m different. I’m special.” As Confucius said, “Real knowledge is to know the extent of one’s ignorance.”

It didn’t work. Some more flirting and a light sensual touch on my shoulder led to a night of sex.

So, again, when women like you they put themselves into your orbit. They get closer and closer, they start touching you. Which is the invitation to reciprocate, touching, which he did. And you can see the power of creating the conditions where women will do all of the pursuing, literally from the get-go.

In the morning, she stated that she had fantasized about me locking her up in my lab and having my way with her.

Ooh, spicy.

We then showered together and had sex again before she returned home.

We started dating. It was great. She’s the silent type, and smart with a slender, sexy body.

Does that mean she’s introverted? She doesn’t have much to say? What does that mean?

Within a month, she stated that I wasn’t like anyone she’s ever dated. I just smiled at her.  After all, I have a right to be confident.

Don’t get cocky.

I’m a well-respected, middle-aged scientist with numerous publications. I own a house, I’m in good shape, and I’m fairly wealthy. For well over a year, we enjoyed each other’s company – eating out, cooking together, movies, riding on my Harley, and going to the beach. But one day, she explained that she had been accepted to Veterinary school.

So, here’s the obvious thing; women don’t move away for veterinary school, or any school, from a man they’re head over heels in love with. And this is part of the problem. He seemed to do everything great with pickup and seduction, but dating and courtship and relationship stuff, it seems to be completely lacking. He had zero self-awareness that this woman just was not that into him.

This is what happens when you read the book a few times and you just learn the pickup and seduction stuff, and maybe a little bit of the dating stuff. He’s with this woman, and he’s he’s rationalizing away her lack of interest and effort, “Oh, she’s just a quiet type.”

I was aware she had applied to several colleges, so it wasn’t a complete surprise.

Again, when a woman is head over heels in love with you, she’s stuck to you like a sucker fish. And when she’s not, she moves away. And so, because she’s “the quiet type,” part of her moving away was to get away from him, I would argue. Because women vote with their feet. If they’re with you, they voted for you. If they move away to go to school when they could be closer, what does that tell you?

She teared up knowing full well that she was moving away. I kept my composure and told her I was happy for her. There was no way I would stop her from pursuing her dreams.

She moved across state and was soon engrossed with her classes. For months, we would talk on the phone, and I rode over to visit her a couple times.

Well, you should have been together at least twice a month. Like, one time you go to see her, and the next time she comes to see you. But I don’t see anything about her coming to see him.

I even took her to the Caribbean during the holiday break. The trip I took her on was a dud. She didn’t seem thankful for the time I spent planning or the money I spent on the trip.

And why is that? That’s what we call low interest and lack of respect.

We spent New Year’s Eve on a remote, getaway island for Pete’s sake! Weeks later, phone calls and texts became shorter and fewer.

The interest continues to decline.

She’d always been a rather quiet person, but phone calls were becoming more like interviews than conversations; me asking questions with her giving short, dull responses.

The other thing I’m seeing here is it seems like he’s doing pretty much all of the pursuing, and making all of the effort, and not paying attention to the fact that she’s not making much of an effort. The quickest way to get somebody else’s attention is to remove yours. But the fact that she was moving away to go to school tells me that this has been going on for a long time. But again, he wasn’t paying attention, because he was probably just focused on the fact that he was still getting laid.

Weeks later, when she chose to be a bridesmaid for a friend in her hometown instead of spending her spring break with me, things became clear to me.

Well, if you’re her “boyfriend,” why aren’t you at the wedding with her? That shows, again, you’re just not important to her, you’re not a priority.

She didn’t bother to call; no “Hey, miss you. Wish you were here!” None of that, nothing.  And when I later remarked, “Curious you didn’t call,” she turned it back on me and said I could have called her.

Well, it seems like he was doing most of the pursuing at that point, just from the actions, and she wasn’t reciprocating. And what it looks like is he just explained it away as, “Oh, she’s quiet.” If a woman loves you and she’s excited about you, she wants to see you. She wants to be around you all of the time. I don’t see any enthusiasm on her part, other than the first few times they were hooking up. That seemed like the only time there was enthusiasm.

Three months ago, after she hadn’t gotten back to me in a simple text conversation, I refrained from calling or texting her.

That seems to be telling. More than likely, just from the tone of that, it seems like that was something that had happened many times before and he had always reached out. Therefore, without realizing it, he was probably overpursuing her and making more of an effort than she was. He was bullshitting himself, rationalizing her lack of effort and explaining away his overpursuing as, “Well, she’s just the quiet type.”

The chapter is called “It’s All in the Numbers.” The interest level stuff is right there. If she’s not doing all of those things, I would put her interest at a five or a six and continuing to decline.

I haven’t heard a peep from her since. Our time spent together before she left for college was almost effortless, especially on her part. I made it that way.

What does that mean? That he’s making most of the effort?

But once effort was required for a long-distance relationship, it seems she chose to just let our relationship fade away.

Well, it kind of seems like, from the tone of your email where you explained it, Elvis had left the building a long time ago. The lights were on, but nobody was home. And you were not paying attention to that.

Sometimes I wonder if she met another guy. 

Possibly, but it also seems that she just wasn’t that into you. And, like I said, the little things that caught my eye here in your email, it seems like you were always pursuing her. You were always more into her than she was into you.

Was I just a fun interlude in her life? Coming to terms with this, it’s a tough pill to swallow.

Bottom line the actions. What do her actions show? After having done tens of thousands of phone sessions, and I don’t know how many emails I’ve read and responded to over the years, you see the same pattern over and over. It’s like she just never was really that into the guy. If a woman’s in love of you, she doesn’t wait a year and a half to show you off to her father.

Here’s another tell, because, again, this guy was just like, “Hey, I’m getting laid. She’s with me, she must care.” And so, listen to what he says next…

She never uttered the words ‘I love you’ to me.

Two years together and she never said “I love you.” Well, obviously, she was never in love with you, probably because you were overpursuing the whole entire time. Maybe you were just excited and elated to be dating a woman 15 years younger.

I only met or spoke with one of her friends.

It almost sounds like a friends with benefits, a fuck buddy.

She didn’t post anything about me or our relationship on social media.

There was another short video that I did with one of the girls asking the same question. He was like, “Is it a bad thing if your girlfriend never mentions or posts about you on social media?” It’s like, yeah. Because when a woman is head over heels in love, she wants the whole world to know that you’re her man.

I never spoke with her brothers, and it took a year and a half until I finally met her dad.

Well, she was big proud to have him as her boyfriend, obviously.

I have additional examples, but I think you get the point.

Well, the point is that you didn’t follow instructions, dude. You did not read the book 10 to 15 times. You did not learn the material. You learned a little bit about pickup and getting laid, and the rest you just never paid attention to. And you deluded yourself the whole entire time that you were with her. All you have to do is look at the actions – what you shared and what she did. I look at what you did, what she did, what you said, what she said, and it’s so glaringly obvious. I’m sure the audience will go, “Oh, yeah.” They can see it too.

I’m not sure she’ll ever reach out to me. 

Maybe, maybe not. I wouldn’t bet on it. She probably met some Chad Thundercock at the university, and he’s rearranging her insides. He picked up where you left off.

If she does, and if she asks what happened between us or why I haven’t called, should I even bother to explain as I’ve done in this letter to you?

Well, it’s obvious she just never was really that into you, so you shouldn’t be asking those questions. Again, this is what happens when you don’t follow instructions, you don’t learn the book, you don’t learn the material. You spend two years with a woman who never says, “I love you,” waits a year and a half to introduce you to her father. You never met any of her brothers. You met one of her friends. She never posted anything on social media.

It sounds like you were just the friends with benefits, and you convinced yourself that you were more important to her than you actually were. Because, again, you didn’t see it, you didn’t know it. Maybe you were bullshitting yourself. But the bottom line is the actions tell you everything.

It’s tough, because I do miss her. I enjoyed our time together. Sometimes I wonder if I’m being too critical. But then, I think and add up everything, all the little signs, and I’m right back where I started. In totality, I’m simply not high on her priorities. I deserve better, don’t I?  

Thanks for all that you do.

Bob

Yes, but you don’t get what you deserve. You only get what you negotiate. And, like I said, the biggest takeaway from this is that you learned enough of the book back maybe five or six years ago, and then you stopped reading it, I don’t know. You learned enough to get laid and hook up, but when it came to dating and relationships, you completely ignored that there was absolutely no reciprocation of high interest on her part. And so, you were bullshitting yourself the whole time during this relationship.

Instead of letting her come to you at her pace, you were probably overpursuing the whole entire time. That’s just what it looks like. So, I look at this as completely predictable. And part of her moving away was, in essence, to kind of move away from you. I mean, she just literally ghosted you in the middle of a conversation. It got to the point where she had no respect for you, she had low interest.

And I know it’s harsh, but that’s the only way you’re going to learn, is you experience pain. You’ve got to follow the instructions. Whether she was structured or she wasn’t that into you, things should never have gotten to the point where you’re two years down the line and you’re surprised that she faded away like this. This is so obvious and predictable.

But it’s a good learning email, so I appreciate you sharing it. It’s like, man, when I say you’ve got to read this 10 to 15 times, I mean it. Because, you’ve got to understand we were all propagandized by our school system, by the media, what we see on TV, by societal pressure. And especially this guy being an older, middle aged dude, you don’t realize the effect that has on you.

A lot of the stuff that’s in my book is like, you’ve got to do the opposite of what you feel you should do, what you think you should do, because you have to undo that programming. You have to apply the things in the book and see that they work. But if you don’t learn the material, you’re just simply not going to see it. It’s a good email to learn from.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.