How to avoid getting blown off for coming on too strong when you first start dating a woman you really like.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who got blown off for coming on too strong to a woman he had only been on a few dates with. He went on only four dates but started over pursuing her to the point that he started treating her like a girlfriend before she barely even knew him. He thought he was doing okay with her, but then she blew him off when he gave her the appearance of putting way more time into planning their dates than was warranted.
It’s a great email, because his view of his actions is different than her view of his actions based upon the text exchange he provided of their conversation. It perfectly illustrates how men sometimes lie to themselves about their own words and actions and can’t see the consequences until it’s too late. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
I’ve got an email here from a guy. He’s got a pretty good email, because what’s interesting and what I liked about his email is that he goes into detail on his perception of events and his actions. He recognizes that he over pursued. But it’s interesting, as you hear him describe it, he really didn’t think what he did was too bad.
But he shares the text exchange between this woman he was dating — actually he had been on four dates with her and he was supposed to have the fifth one, and she canceled on him — and it’s interesting, you can see in the text exchange, her perception of his behavior was different than his own actions.
This is what I do when I’m discussing things with guys during phone sessions, is getting them to tell me what they did and said and what the woman did and said. Because obviously, when we’ve screwed up and we’ve made mistakes, we tend to embellish, if you will, or our perception of it is we want to tell ourselves that our actions weren’t as bad as we thought.
But obviously, the woman’s words really kind of fill in the blanks, and then you can kind of see what’s really going on and cut through the BS. Because we all tend to BS ourselves.
First of all, let me start by saying I’ve listened to your audiobook about 10 times over the course of 2020 and read the paperback an additional 3. It has been a complete world changer for me.
So, despite the fact that obviously, he’s talking about my first book, “How To Be A 3% Man,” even though he’s read it a bunch of times, it’s one thing to read it, and it’s another thing to apply it. Because we’re all dealing with our own emotional anchoring to events, and our beliefs, and our model of the world, and how we perceive ourselves, so, it takes time applying this, time and repetition.
Obviously, in this case, if you’re new to my work or relatively new, you have to go out on dates. You have to interact with women. You have to go through the progression, the seduction process, the dating process to see what works, what doesn’t work, because we all have blind spots.
And obviously you can see this guy’s perception of what he did wrong versus how she perceived what he did obviously are different. But since we have the text exchange, we can kind of see through the BS and get to the meat and potatoes of the issue.
I’ve gone out on 4 dates with this girl I’m really into. I’ve made some mistakes, but overall, I thought I was doing pretty well. After the third date, I did start to over pursue while I was out of town, (texting her asking how her day was a few times). Surprise, surprise, I could see her attraction level dropping, taking way longer to respond, shorter texts, etc.
So, when you notice that, when you see that a woman is taking longer to respond to you, you’ve got to match and mirror that type of behavior. Obviously, especially in this case, he’s recognizing that he’s over pursuing. I mean, he’s only four dates in, and he’s starting to treat her like they are in a relationship.
Now, this is fine if you’re dating or in a relationship, you’ve been dating for several months and she’s in love with you. But when you’ve only been out a few times and you’re getting to know each other, it’s like the Thich Nhat Hanh quote that says “You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free.”
And when you come on too strong, you pursue too much, you call too much, you start treating her like your girlfriend, in essence, with these kinds of texts, and she’s not in the same place emotionally that you are, it causes her to feel like she’s losing her freedom, and naturally she’s going to be confused about her feelings for you and start to back away. And so, that’s why it’s important to recognize and look at her actions, not what she says, but what she’s doing.
And in this particular case, she’s taking way longer to respond, so that shows she’s less interested. And if she’s become less interested, she’s probably trying to give him the impression that she’s not as interested. Because you’ve got to understand, there’s so many weak and needy guys in society that have basically been taught to behave like stalkers, that as soon as a woman gets a hint of this or sniffs that you may be needy, you may be somewhat stalker’ish, you may be difficult to get rid of if, she decides she doesn’t want to date you. She’s already had this experience.
By the time she gets to be in her 20s, she’s probably had it dozens and dozens, maybe even hundreds of times if she’s really beautiful. Or guys just come on real strong, they start thinking, “This is going to be my girlfriend. This is going to be the wife of my dreams,” or whatever happens to be. And the woman’s thinking, “I don’t even know you yet. I’m just trying to get to know you.”
Because, as I’ve said many times, women go out on dates with “Is he good for me? Do I like him enough?” And guys are going out with the mindset most time of “What can I do to get her to like me? Will she like me? Does she like me?” And that obviously communicates a lack of confidence. Because if you’re coming to the negotiating table, if you will, thinking “I’ve got a lot to bring to the table and let’s see what she brings to the table,” you’re looking for an equal.
But if you come to the table where you’re hoping to get her to like you, already, whether you realize it or not, your words, your actions, the tone of your voice, your body language, your physiology is giving off the vibe that you don’t think you’re on her level, you don’t think you’re worthy. And that is obviously extremely unattractive and will turn a woman off.
I immediately corrected this behavior when I realized I was doing it, and she contacted me about a week later. We made a date to spend the afternoon together. I know, I know, don’t do lunch dates, but she had to bartend that night, and we had both alluded to the fact that we would end up back at my place.
So, again, he’s making lots of assumptions and going, “Oh, it’ll be okay, it’ll be fine.” He’s starting to break principles. The idea is, the principles that are in the book are not ironclad set in stone, but they’re meant to be a guide. And so, what happens is, because he really likes her, obviously at this point he’s probably worried that she’s not as in to him, and now he’s in the mindset of “How do I get her to like me more? How do I get her to be like she was a few weeks ago?” And that’s the wrong mindset.
And agreeing to doing daytime dates when he knows she has to work that night, you’ve got to think about the logistics of sex. All of these things matter. And keep in mind, it’s only been four dates that they’ve been out on. But he’s making these mistakes because he’s really into her, and he’s thinking, “Oh, it’ll be fine.” But is it?
The day of the date, she drove to my place because she bartends on my side of town. She parked and jumped into my car and gave me a big kiss. Then she asked me where we were going, to which I told her I wasn’t going to ruin the surprise. I took her to the gun range, and she said she had an amazing time.
By the way, that’s a great date to take women on, because obviously guns are dangerous, it’s very masculine, and if you know what you’re doing and you know how to handle it, it’s it’s a big turn on for women because you’re doing something that’s dangerous together. But if you know what you’re doing, you know how to handle weapons, like yours truly, it’s an aphrodisiac. And she likes that, a man that’s in control.
The whole time she was pursuing me, (kissing me, holding my hand, etc.)
After shooting we went to a patio bar for a few drinks. She mentioned some places she wanted to take me in the future. I took the opportunity to make a date with her for the following Saturday.
So, there’s another violation. He’s on a date with her, and now he’s making another date while he’s still on this date. These are just little things. If you’ve over pursued through texting and then now you agree to go out on a day date when she has to work later, she has to leave. In other words, that’s a potential cock blocking event to get in the way of your successful seduction.
And now you’re on a date and you’re making another date before this one’s even ended. Keep in mind, this is only the fourth date. It’s too much too soon. You’re acting like the guy that doesn’t think you’re ever going to get a chance to see her again. You may not think so, but that’s the vibe it starts to give off. And when I go through her texting exchange, you’ll see it’s the vibe he gave off.
There is a band she really loves, and I know one of the members, so I get free tickets, backstage passes, the works.
That’s great. But again, it’s too much too soon. Would she do this kind of thing for you? Are you really that big of a priority in her life that she would do something like this for you? And I would say, obviously not. This is great if she was your girlfriend and maybe you’ve been dating for a couple of months, but when it’s only the fourth date, it’s just too much too soon.
Remember, you should have the mindset of, “I’m not too sure about this girl yet. We’ll see. I’ll give her a shot. We’ll see what she’s like. Sex is good. We’ll see what happens.”
I didn’t tell her what we were doing, just that it would take most of the night.
So again, that’s like he’s got some big thing. “Did the guy go out and get a big limo? Is he going to propose marriage to me? Like, is he going to ask me to be his girlfriend?” You’re giving off the vibe that you’re putting a lot of effort into it. And so emotionally, she’s just not in the same place that you are. You’re making her a big priority in your life, and she’s still trying to figure out whether or not you’re a good match for her or if you’re good for her.
She said yes, seemed really excited, and said she wanted to take me to one of her favorite restaurants before the show.
This is so common. It’s like, I can read this and remember many situations like this in my 20s. You’re thinking, “Hey, it’s going to be fine. She’s really into it. She says she’s really into it.” But again, we always look at what people do, not what they say.
After drinks we went back to my place and hooked up twice. She said the sex was really good and felt like it was only going to get better.
Sounds good. So far, so good.
Then she took a shower and got ready for work. As I was walking her out, she grabbed me, kissed me, and said she missed me while I was out of town. So, on that day I would rate her attraction as a 6-7.
So, for somebody that’s a six or seven, you don’t make some big date that’s going to take most of the night. Who knows, maybe she’s thinking you booked a plane? It’s like, who knows? The bottom line is you’re communicating you’re putting way more effort and interest and spending way more money on her than you should be, considering it’s only the fourth date.
I walked her out to her car, gave her a quick kiss, and told her to text me. A couple of days went by where I didn’t hear from her. Then on Tuesday, (3 days later), she texted me basically blowing me off for the concert, (I included screenshots, so you can read it word for word). Since that conversation I haven’t said a word to her or interacted with any of her social media at all.
What do you make of this? Did I handle things correctly?
Well, obviously, if you’re emailing me, we know you came on too strong. You know you came on too strong but obviously didn’t think it was that big a deal. So, let’s go through the text exchange.
So this is the initial one that comes where she’s pulling the ripcord. She says,
“Hey, there, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. I know you were planning on doing something special for me on Saturday, but I honestly feel bad, because I’m not in a position to really date consistently.”
So what that’s telling you is that he’s putting away more effort into it than she is. And obviously, she knows that. In other words, he’s giving off the vibe that he’s way more into her than she’s into him. And she says,
“And I guess I just don’t feel like I deserve special treatment if we only hang out once a month.”
So obviously, the tone of his email is like, “Hey, I did pretty good. We hooked up, everything’s great.” But the vibe of that message is like he’s not really that big of a priority in her life. He says,
“Ha-ha, don’t feel bad. It’s nothing like over the top special, but it’s something I know you’ll have fun doing. I’m going either way and would like you to go, but if you don’t feel comfortable, I can give the ticket to someone else.”
I wouldn’t say “I can give this ticket to someone else.” I would just say, “I can take somebody else.” She says,
“Thank you for understanding. I just feel like I’m getting overwhelmed with too many plans lately and I need to take a step back.”
So, in his mind, he’s saying, “Hey, we’ve only been on four dates,” but from her perspective, they’ve been hanging out like once a month. So, they don’t see each other very often, and he’s putting way more effort and time into it than he should be. Remember, you must love in such a way that the person you love feels free. So from the tone of her text, does it sound like she feels free?
“I just feel like I’m getting overwhelmed with too many plans lately, and I need to take a step back and re-prioritize my time with work, family, friends and dating. I’m trying to do all of it, and I just feel like I’m not going to give you the time you deserve without fretting about the next thing I have to do.”
In other words, that’s her admission that, “Dude, you’re way more into me than I am into you. You deserve someone better.” That’s the kind of stuff you hear from women that you’ve made feel this way, “You deserve someone better.” In other words she’s saying “You deserve to be with a chick that’s way more into you than I am.” That’s what she’s saying.
“Which was another reason I was apprehensive about going out with you in the first place.”
I didn’t know she was apprehensive about going out with him. Obviously, he left that part out. So come on, man. Your goal is to underrate her interest in you, and you obviously overrated it. Maybe you couldn’t handle the punani. Maybe you just lost your shit. The ‘pusswa’ was too overwhelming and you came unglued.
“I’m sorry, I really like you, and if you aren’t too annoyed by me later on, maybe we can try this again when my life isn’t so overwhelming.”
Notice she’s saying “my life is overwhelming.” It’s not that her life is overwhelming, he is overwhelming her. But she doesn’t want to hurt your feelings. He says,
“Well, we’ve only been out a handful of times, so I’m not really concerned about how much time we’re spending together or anything like that. It’s fun when we get to hang out, though. And no problem. Whenever you get things figured out, just shoot me a text and maybe we can meet up then.”
That’s a pretty good response. He says,
“I’m going to hold on to your ticket until Wednesday probably, in case you change your mind. It’s an RBB concert, by the way. I get free tickets. Otherwise just text me when you’re feeling better about things.”
Yeah, I also wouldn’t have said, “Hey, I’m going to hold your ticket until Wednesday in case you change your mind.”
“Thank you. You seriously are really great. And we do have fun, I’m not going to lie about that at all. I’m just stressed out right now.”
“No worries. You have to take care of yourself first, you know, so I get it.”
“Basically. Again, thanks.”
That was the end of the message. Well, class, that’s where we’re at. So obviously, again, you made this girl a priority, were treating her like you wanted to make her girlfriend, and she bounced on you. That’s why you follow what’s in the book. You pushed it too much, too soon. You’re way too serious.
You made her a big priority when she hadn’t earned it yet. In other words, she was a big priority to you, but you really weren’t that big of a priority to her. I mean, her perception, right or wrong, was that you see each other maybe once a month. So, it’s obvious that you really super-duper liked her, and she could pick up on that, but it was way more than she was into you.
It’s much better if women think that they like you more than you like them. Now, if you’ve got ten women in a room and you asked them that, “Oh, I want to be with a guy that I know really likes me, is in to me.” I hear what they’re saying — sounds legitimate, sounds logical. But, here you have a guy who has made his intentions overly clear just through his actions that he really likes her and he’s treating her like a priority, and what did she say? “Oh, I’m just overwhelmed. Thanks. See you later. Bye. I’m going to cancel on you. I’ve got to get my life together. It’s overwhelming. Plans are overwhelming.”
It just means you’re giving off the vibe where you’re way ahead of where she is right now, and you might become one of those guys that doesn’t go away easily. And she’s probably had way too many of those in her life.
So, you did the right thing at the very end, and I would never contact or call her again for any reason. If she does reach out, I’d invite her over to your place to make dinner together, hang out and have fun and hook up. If she doesn’t want to do that, I would follow everything right out of “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back.”
And if she comes over two or three dates in a row, I would make her do 100% of the calling, texting and pursuing from now on. Because you started pursuing too much, and she started to lose interest because it wasn’t her idea. That’s the important thing, it has to be her idea and it wasn’t. And it was subtle, but it was enough to get you blown off.
So if you haven’t read “How To Be A 3% Man” yet, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, and you can read for free. All you’ve got to do is subscribe to the email newsletter. Same thing and get “Mastering Yourself” for free when you subscribe to the newsletter. And obviously these sweet mugs to remind yourself of some of the themes we talk about. They’re at Teespring.com. Just go to the Coach Corey Wayne store.
And if you’d like to book a coaching session with yours truly, maybe you’ve got a situation and you’re trying to save it — the girl’s backing away, but you’re so overwhelmed with your emotions, you’d really just like to get my unbiased, unvarnished opinion on what you should and shouldn’t do to salvage it — go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.
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“Men often get blown off by women who like them because they come on way too strong and start treating women they are casually dating and barely know like a serious girlfriend. This makes women feel like they are being smothered, losing their freedom and that the guy may end up turning into a stalker who won’t take no for an answer. Men should adopt the same skeptical mindset that women have that focuses on determining whether or not they are good for them versus seeking their attention, acceptance and validation. The former puts them on an equal footing, and the latter gives off the vibe that they are unworthy. If you give off the vibe that you don’t think you are worthy, women will agree with and reject you.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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