Breakups Cause Men To Withdraw

Jun 2, 2015 by Coach Corey Wayne

Depressed man after split upWhy breakups cause men to withdraw from life, neglect their bodies, careers, friends, families, businesses, etc., and what you should focus on so you can recover and turn things around if you’ve had a recent breakup, in order to get back to being happy and enjoying your life again.

In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who is nineteen years old, great with talking to girls, the life of the party, good-looking and very sentimental. His girlfriend of three years broke up with him about two months ago, and it literally changed his life so much more than he ever thought it could. He stopped working out, stopped busting his ass in school and has withdrawn from his family. He says he is now failing school, hasn’t been to the gym in three weeks and hardly talks to his family. He says he has become a total bitch.

She tried friend zoning him, but he refused. When they broke up, she started immediately dating another guy. In the past week, after the other guy she was dating blew her off, she started contacting him again. They have been hanging out, having fun and hooking up the past few days, but she again referred to him as her friend only. He told her no way. He’s much happier now, but is uncertain of whether or not he will get back together with her since she keeps referring to him as her friend, even though they are still hooking up when she reaches out.

Hey Coach,

I don’t know if you are reading this or not, but first off, I just want to tell you how fucking awesome of a person you are. I’m just going to get straight to the point. I am 19-years old, great with talking to girls, life of the party, a good-looking guy, and am very sentimental as well. My girlfriend, after three years of dating, broke up with me about two months ago, and it literally changed my life so much more than I thought anything ever could. (That’s pretty traumatic.) Depressed young man I used to go to the gym six days out of the week, bust my ass in school, and had a great relationship with my family. Now, I am failing my classes, haven’t been the gym in about three weeks, and hardly talk to my family. (Go hang out with your family, and get your ass in the gym.) I have become a bitch. I have just recently started watching your videos, and luckily I have realized that I have become the needy bitch that my girlfriend does not want to be with. That is just my background of the situation.

She broke up with me, told me she was tired of being in a relationship and, “just wanted to be friends.” My cocky attitude made me think, “Yeah, you’ll see how long we’ll be ‘just friends’ for,” so I was like, okay whatever. A few days later, I found out she had already been hanging out with another guy, whom she had just met after breaking up with me, and kissed him the first time they hung out, which is huge because she is not that type of girl. (Women know instinctively that the best way to get over a breakup is to go out and meet somebody new.) So that began my bitch phase. I begged for her back, and she ignored me. Long story short, I visited my friends in college towns each weekend, she apologized and told me how much she missed me, she ended up driving to where I was, and we had sex and slept together both weekends I went.

Photo by iStock.com/miljko
Once we got back into our hometown after the weekend, she blew me off. However, for the past week, we have had sex regularly, and I have slept over at her house each night, but she started referring to me as her friend, and told me she still had feelings for that other guy, who stopped talking to her completely. I finally had enough, but was too big of a pussy to tell her, until I was told about your videos. Then a few days ago, I told her, “Listen, I can’t keep doing this. I’m not going to just be your friend, so this is ending now. I only want to be with you in a romantic way. Nothing more, nothing less.” She started crying, and then got pissed and said, “Okay, that’s fine with me.” After ONE day of no communication, she is begging me to hang out with her again. (The strongest negotiating position is being able to walk away and mean it. Move on and take care of yourself. Also, therapy is great because talking through things is beneficial.) I told her no, because I’m not going to be friends with her, and she said maybe she wants to be more than friends, but that is exactly what she did both weekends when I was away, so I know she is just trying to use me. (Don’t look at it that way. You want to hang out, have fun, and hook up, but it has to be her idea. Never call or text her again. Let her come to you. She has to make the effort to win you back. It was her idea to end it, so it has to be her idea to rekindle it.)

I know by the time you are reading this, either I’m going to be completely done with her, or we are going to be back together, (You’ve got to stop focusing on locking her down to a relationship. You’re going to fuck it up), but I feel like this is still such a good topic to talk about. Once again, you do not understand how much stronger you have made me. God bless you man. (You need to read my book 10-15 times, and learn the fundamentals of what I teach so it becomes instinctive.)

Bob

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“When human beings are in a relationship, their identity becomes completely associated with being with that person, what they do together and the relationship status. For most people, it is very traumatic and emotionally difficult to deal with a sudden breakup. It’s incredibly hard to go from being part of a team where you eat together, sleep together, talk constantly and spend most of your free time together, to not talking at all or never speaking again. Fear of the future and fear that you will never find anyone else like them, or that the next one will be worse, becomes dramatically amplified. It’s healthy to take time to heal, but the best medicine for a recent breakup is looking into the eyes of someone who completely takes your breath away and makes you forget all about your ex. So get out there, participate in life and become open to and excited about meeting the next great love of your life. The sooner you do, the sooner you will feel better, and the sooner it will happen.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne

Published on June 2, 2015

Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. I have been going to California for the past two years to spend time with my girlfriend. I felt we had an amazing relationship and she frequently confirmed this physically and verbally. When I wasn’t there we constantly talked everyday. I really thought things were going great. We had fun and loving weekends in Santa Monica, Newport, Malibu and many other beautiful places. Then out of the blue three days before I was to come out for the last time this year she said that she didn’t want me to. She said me being there would be too much of a distraction and keep her from focussing on her final exams. Which was not the case the prior year. After much going back and forth with her. I ended up going out for what I though would be so we could fix whatever went wrong. Instead there was no love and she did not want to have sex. We did however have some fun and there were a few times where I felt she was into being with me. Two days before I left she said that she did not want to break up and that we would be seeing each other sooner than later when she returned back east. We are both from the east coast, by the way. CT to be exact. So at this point I was feeling pretty good and glad that I came out. Here’s where it all comes apart. The morning I was leaving five minuets after she said I’ll be seeing you in a few days she then says “I want to break up and don’t want to do this anymore.” Now this came from nowhere and caught me by complete surprise. As always, a car picks us up and takes us to her school and then me to LAX. But there was radio silence the whole way back to her campus. She didn’t even look at me. When we got to her place I reached over to kiss her goodbye and she turned away, got out of the car and never looked back. I was stunned but played like everything was fine. I didn’t want Pat the driver to know what was going on. Over the last two years whenever I would come out to LA I would use him and we sort of became friends. Anyway, we always texted back and forth after I dropped my girlfriend off on my way to the airport. But this time not one text from her and I was sort of lost for words so I didn’t send her one. On my flight we would always email until I landed but this time I didn’t hear from her, I didn’t email either. But I will admit I had teary eyes the whole flight back to JFK. I mean she was the one that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. And I couldn’t digest what had happened and still can’t. Five days had gone by and not a peep from her. I couldn’t hold out any longer so I wrote her and email about how confused I was about what had happened. I also talked about the amazing time we he had in Santa Monica and Malibu and how I could tell she was into being with me and didn’t get how things ended between us without even a goodbye. It has been 22 days since I sent that email and I have not heard back from her. I have to say that I am lonely, anxious and feel like a cut that wont heal. I am trying to move but nothing is helping me with the pain that I am feeling. I don’t know why I am sharing this with you but I am.

  2. Great stuff but do you ever give advice to young women? My daughter just ended a 3.5 yr. relationship with a super controlling guy. When it was just he &Cher it was perfect. The minute others were involved he’d ger angry and start crap. Finally she told him what she needed and he “texted” her and half ass broke up. When she questioned him asking are u breaking up w/me? He backed off and said no im telling you what I think we should do. She hasn’t spoken to him since. His rules were for her and not for him. It was literally impossible for her to go out for all those years without BS from him for hrs. On text. Then when she told him” look this is what I need he gave her the “I can no longer make you happy so let’s just concentrate on ourselves. “I am no where near where you need me to be” and the 4 days before he sent that text guess what?!!! He was out in bars and at casinos!! All the things he gave her so much crap about doing. He was full of double standards. So my question is: why would he break up with her when he was the one that would go crazy if she didn’t text him right away? And count the seconds to be with her and was so in love with her? I just don’t get it. I think he was yanking her chain and gave her this big manipulative threat and ultimatum and was expecting her to come back begging. What it did do was push her over the brink because he was so disrespectful and a coward for texting her to play his last card. All on their anniversary.
    Can you please explain?

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