In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who is in the process of wooing and re-attracting his wife back after he found out she was cheating on him with another man. They have been together for five years and have a fourteen-month-old child together. He says he started becoming a pleaser, complacent and lazy when it came to courting his wife properly after their child was born. He thought things were fine, but then he got a phone call about four months ago from a woman who told him his wife was having an affair with her husband.
His wife has since moved out, because she was confused about her feelings. Initially, he chased and tried to use logic and reason to get her back, but then he found my work. She is now doing all of the chasing, and they are having passionate sex again, but he wants to know what to do going forward so she falls back in love, moves back in and wants to be a family again. My comments are in (bold parenthesis like this below) in the body of his email.
I would like to thank you. The principles in your book helped me tremendously with my wife after our separation. By applying your ideas, I have bounced back emotionally, reclaimed my masculine self, and now it is very possible that we might be able to save our marriage, even after all seemed lost.
My wife and I had an amazing relationship from the time we started dating, about 5 years ago. Although I had never read your book, I had always been a masculine man and practiced many of your principles naturally. This fostered a great dynamic that was exciting and extremely sexual. (Obviously there was sexual polarity there, because you were acting like a man, you were in your masculine, and she felt comfortable being in her feminine.) Our relationship always seemed effortless, so being married for the first year was easy. When we found out she was pregnant, we were extremely excited to be parents together, and we were happy to be moving to the next stage of our relationship. Sadly, once we had our son, everything changed. (That’s definitely something that brings stress into any relationship. Instead of being two of you, now there are three of you. It’s understandable, but you always have to court and date your wife properly.) In addition to the natural stress that a newborn can put on a marriage, we bought a new house and our family dog passed away. Although to me the relationship was in a “down period,” looking back I can see that we lost the strong connection we had, and the relationship was not where it was. Instead of being a leader and a masculine presence in the house, I fell into a different pattern and became more of a pleaser. (A lot of guys do that. They go back into provider mode, think they just have to earn money and start neglecting the relationship. Instead of having a love affair, you become two roommates.) I also think my wife was dealing with some postpartum issues.
It was about 4 months ago, with a 14-month old baby and a new house, that I received a call from a woman who told me that my wife and her husband were having an affair that had been going on for 3 months. (Where’s the loyalty? She was not getting her needs met, and instead of discussing and communicating like an adult, she starting seeing someone else. That tells you everything you need to know about her character. If she isn’t getting her needs met, she will find it somewhere else. Do you really see yourself being married to somebody who will cheat on you if you stop courting and dating her properly, instead of communicating like an adult to work things out? When she’s not happy, loyalty doesn’t mean anything to her. You have to decide if that’s an acceptable standard for you.) My wife admitted this affair and told me that in addition to the physical, she was in love with this guy. Although I didn’t react feebly, no crying, begging, etc., when I found out, it definitely was a complete surprise and put me in a weak position. Instead of taking a strong stance, I didn’t want to lose my family, so I immediately went into “fix-it” mode, which made me do most of the chasing. Luckily during this time, I read every book, watched every video and read every blog I could find. Although many of the strategies that I was implementing were helping a bit, and she expressed that she loved me and didn’t want to make any “quick” decisions, she was confused about her feelings for this other man and moved out. (Yeah, because at that point, he was pursuing her.)
It was about that time that I came across your “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back” article and book and started to work it into my life. Before long, my wife was suggesting events that we could take our son to. I accepted most of them but never brought up “us.” I focused on having a good time and being the strong man and eventually things started to escalate. She started chasing me, and it wasn’t long before she was initiating all of the contact, which I would use to arrange times for us to “meet, have fun, and hook up.” This past weekend, after a few drinks and a great dinner, I leaned over and whispered what I wanted to do to her in her ear. She literally seemed to get overcome by desire, we got the check and could not keep off of each other until we got to her place and had amazing sex. (What’s interesting is, she is completely run by her emotions and doesn’t know why she feels the way she feels. However, she has an integrity problem.)
Not only has the great sex continued, she is expressing that she doesn’t want me to date anyone else, (I definitely would not agree to that), which I have not agreed to yet, setting things for us to do months from now, saying she would do anything for me, (She’ll do anything for you as long as she cares about you but when she doesn’t have those feelings, she’ll treat you like a disposable commodity), referring to me as her husband, and she even caught herself saying I love you when she was leaving last night. (You have to decide if you’re cool with giving her another chance. As soon as you get lazy and complacent, it’s likely she’ll jump in bed with somebody else.) This courtship has been going on for almost 4 weeks, and not only are we reconnecting, I think she might be falling in love with me again. Now that things seem to be pushing us towards a relationship, how do I continue to raise the attraction level and apply these principles to our marriage in the future? (Hang out, have fun and hook up. Let her do 100% of the calling, texting and pursuing and just make dates when she reaches out. Also read my book 10-15 times and watch the video, “How To Communicate With Women Effectively,” and apply that.) I don’t want to go backwards, and I want to make sure that I never lose the masculine position in our relationship again. What is too much or too little? Do I ask her to move back? (Absolutely not. It has to be her idea.) Most importantly, how can I make sure my wife looks at me the way she has the last few days for the rest of our life? (If what you’re doing is working, keep doing what you’re doing. Let her reach out, and then make dates.)
Any input or guidance would be helpful. There are so many articles about how to get your wife/girlfriend back, but there is very little out there that talks about what to do when she does come back. (This stuff is covered in my book. You need to read my book 10-15 times so you learn the fundamentals. I discuss pickup skills, dating skills and relationship skills in the book, and right now you’re really only utilizing the pickup and dating skills. The real question is, do you want to be married to a woman who will cheat on you when you don’t date or court her properly? That’s the question that you really need to be answering.)
If you have a question you would like me to consider answering in a future Video Coaching Newsletter, you can send it (3-4 paragraphs/500 words max) to this email address: Questions@UnderstandingRelationships.com
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From my heart to yours,
Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“Everyone gets complacent and lazy over time in their relationships which leads to taking their partner for granted. People who place a high value on commitment, loyalty and communication will try to communicate and work things out. If that does not work, they will leave the relationship before starting a new one because they know it’s the right thing to do. People who are weak, selfish, narcissistic and dishonest, usually will focus on getting their needs met elsewhere by cheating or lining up a replacement before leaving their current partner. If marriage, exclusivity, being faithful and loyalty are your core values, then you should only have exclusive relationships with or marry people who have a demonstrable history of being faithful to previous partners. Cheaters tend to always cheat and lie when they are not happy, but loyal people tend to always be loyal, even when they are not happy.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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