Could I Have Prevented The Breakup?

Some things to consider if you pushed your girlfriend to breakup up with you and now regret it.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who allowed his relationship to spiral out of control until he started pushing his girlfriend to breakup with him in hopes that she will see what life is like without him so she comes back. Now he is regretting his behavior and decision and wonders if he did the right thing or has made a major mistake.

There were some values conflicts between them. Women often mention the end of a relationship or breaking up in order to see what you think about staying together or breaking up. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

I got an email from a guy who says he was had a pretty great relationship for about five months, and then they had a little rough patch during vacation, and his girlfriend started suggesting or hinting at a breakup, and he was bothered by the things that she was saying. Plus, there was a value conflict, that they just had different values. He didn’t elaborate what they were, but after that, and the fact that she’s suggesting a breakup, he says what he basically decided to do was to push her to break up with him and then go no contact and have her have the attitude of, “Oh well, guess what your life will be like without me now.”

Now he’s broken up with her, he’s in no contact, and he’s gone, “Oh shit, did I do the right thing?” This brings up a memory for me, a girl I was really in love with and had a pretty good relationship, but we’d been together for a while and I’d gotten complacent, wasn’t paying attention. I got caught up and she said something to me that totally caught me off guard, and I called her to ask her to. Or maybe she called me, I can’t remember, but we were on the phone and I asked her, this was like earlier in the week, Monday, Tuesday, and I asked her about getting together, and she and I had been kind of cold and distant, and she could tell. She’d made a mention about that.

The last time we were together, she says, “I don’t know, I think you need to take some time apart and really think about us, if you really want this.” I didn’t understand at the time, but what she’s really doing, because women will say it’s not because they really want to break up with you, but because they’re trying to find out if you want to break up with them, because what they’re feeling is they’re starting to feel like you don’t care and you don’t give a shit. So they want to make it easy for you to dip out. I being young and dumb and didn’t know any better, I was like, what was I? 31, 32? I think at the time she was 33, I can’t remember. I think it was 33. He was 32.

Anyways, it was a long time ago. So the point being is, we’re on the phone. This conversation, what she said totally caught me off guard. I was like, “Shit, how do I respond to that?” I was surprised. She’d been chasing me, always wanting to get together. I asked her to do something. She’s like, “Well, I don’t know. I think we need some time apart, and you need to take some time and figure out what you want. Figure out how you feel about us, how you feel about our relationship.” I was like, “OK,” so I did nothing.

Then the weekend came and I didn’t hear from her. Another week went by. Then it just kind of started a series of events where it spiraled out of control. What I should have said, which obviously I got older and I got more experienced and was able to look at it because I thought, “Oh, she’ll call me in a week or two, but no big deal.” Then two weeks went by and we hadn’t talked. Then when we did talk, she was really pissed off and I didn’t understand what to do. I didn’t understand it at the time. This was before I had gotten together with my English girlfriend and really kind of closed the gap on communication and issues and things like that, because I still had some knowledge gaps at the time. I still didn’t have all the dots connected. So it ended up leading to her and I breaking up.

If I was to go back in time, what would I have done differently when she said, “Oh, I think you need to take some time apart and see how you feel. Maybe we shouldn’t see each other this week,” or whatever it was that she was saying, I would have just said, “What are you talking about? I don’t want any time apart. I haven’t seen you in like four days. I want to see you.” All she was really looking for was reassurance that I cared and loved her still, because I acted like I didn’t give a shit. What I later found out was when I hung up with her and was OK with not seeing her when she told me, “You should take some time apart,” When I said OK to her, it was like, “He doesn’t love me. He doesn’t care about me.” She bawled down, broke down crying, called her brother who she’s really close to. “I love him, I want to break up.” I didn’t know. I found this out months later after all this happened, but at the time it led to the breakup of my relationship because I didn’t understand what she was doing.

Women will suggest a breakup sometimes because they’re getting the feeling that you don’t want to be together, that you don’t care. So they throw that out there to make it easy for you to dip out if you don’t really want to be with them. I didn’t know enough. I fucked up and it led to the end of my relationship. That stung like a motherfucker. It took me a year, year and a half to get over it, really get over the sting of that. Looking back on it, I was like, “Man, that was stupid.” We laughed about it years later, but that was life.

Looking back on it, there’s things that happened in my life that were critical to my success. So I look at it as like what happened, happened, and it couldn’t have happened any other way. There’s going to be guys, lots of guys over the years, they’re going to watch this video and they’re going to hear that same kind of a phrase or question. They go, “Aha, I know how to respond to that.” “I don’t want any time apart. I haven’t seen you in four days, dumbass. I’m coming over. I’m coming over to see you.” “What are you talking about?” “I miss you, freak.” Then go see her.

Viewer’s Email:

Hi Coach,

I appreciate you taking the time to read my message. I’ve been a follower of your material for years, finding great success in securing the woman of my dreams. However, I recently faced a setback and lost her.

Everything was going smoothly during our five months of dating until we went on holiday, where things took a turn for the worse. We had a few arguments, and I made a mistake by displaying signs of a lack of self-control.

Obviously from the book, men who understand women, don’t argue with them.

Additionally, she had an altercation on the plane with another person…

That motherfucker ain’t real, man. You guys see that meme that was on Twitter? The girl is pretty hot, by the way. Now she’s world famous. She’s not real. It’s not real.

…Which I didn’t witness, and regretfully, I didn’t back her up.

Well, you weren’t there. I don’t know what kind of an altercation was. Was she throwing down? Was it like the people of Walmart kind of fight? What was really going on on the plane? That fucker’s days ain’t real, man. Not real. It’s invisible. Something going on.

This incident seemed to change the dynamics of our relationship.

Yeah, if you didn’t stand up for her, then she’s not going to feel safe trusting your masculine core. It’s like if you allow one of your family members to berate your girlfriend or your wife, and then you just watch this and you just let it happen, she’s going to feel you’re not protecting her. She’s not going to feel safe with you.

So he didn’t really elaborate, but it seemed like whatever happened, happened, before he got there. So I don’t know how he didn’t back her up. The bottom line is he communicated he wasn’t going to stand up for her. Not that you should be throwing down on planes and getting kicked off, because then you could be the next internet meme. That is not real, man.

A week after the holiday, we had a phone call during which she expressed feeling unsafe and misunderstood. She also mentioned a couple of opposing values, and, considering our desire to settle down in our 30s, she didn’t want to waste our time.

In other words, she’s kind of doing what my girlfriend from the past said. If you really love her and you want to, my response to that would be, “I don’t think we’re wasting our time. Yeah, we got some value conflicts,” or whatever. Yeah, you should have apologized for not standing up for her and not making her feel safe. “I’m sorry I wasn’t there. I should have handled it better. You’re right. I’m sorry I made you feel that way.”

Although she wasn’t 100% sure about breaking up…

You have to assume that she’s just suggesting it because she doesn’t think you want to be with her. Or maybe you’re also giving her the feeling that you can’t handle being with her, especially if you’re losing your shit.

…I, unfortunately, lost my composure and pushed her to end the relationship.

If a girl suggests a breakup and you don’t want to break up, don’t mention a breakup. To me, that’s not good. “We have a problem. Let’s work it out.” Constantly throwing in my face, breaking up. I mean, now there are times when somebody’s behavior is abusive and crossing the line. If they won’t stop, then unfortunately, that’s the only thing you can do. Either that or you just endure the abuse or the nastiness.

Despite having good times together, I asserted that I deserved better and insisted she leave me if she was unsure.

We were supposed to meet for a date a few days later, but it seemed she had made up her mind, and I ultimately initiated her to breakup.

He was still mad and he’s still stewing about it. “I’ll break up with her first. That will show her.”

Now, in hindsight, I’m questioning whether I handled the situation correctly.

Well, one thing I got to say, it’s always easy to look back, just like I did, but hey, man, what happened, happened, and it couldn’t have happened any other way.

This was a lesson you were destined to learn. Now, whether or not you get back together, that’s up to you. Obviously this is a value conflict and you are arguing with her. So that’s why I say read the book 10 to 15 times so you can communicate. It requires a normal, healthy woman in order to be able to do that.

I thought pushing her to break up, followed by going no contact, would allow her to experience life without me and potentially come back.

Yeah, I probably wouldn’t be doing that, because you never know. There could be Chad Thundercock waiting in the wings. Male orbiters, the guy from the office.

Do you think I made a mistake?

Well, if you didn’t want to break up and you pushed her to break up, well, obviously, I made a mistake. I fucked up, and it turned out OK. You know, we went our separate ways, but we still occasionally see each other even all these years later. So it’s not the end of the world if we’re both single at the same time. “Hell yeah, I’d love to get together.”

That’s what’s cool about going through life, and you don’t really appreciate it till you get older is relationships with people. Not just good friends, but sometimes good lovers. If you have a mature relationship and you don’t feel like you’re missing out, but you do love and care for one another and you do want to see each other from time to time, I think that’s pretty cool.

Most people are not going to be cool with it, but I’m not like most of you people just the way I am. If I was, I would have never figured all this shit out and connected all these dots that you guys get to benefit from.

Could I have prevented the breakup?

Yeah, but what happened, happened, and it couldn’t have happened any other way.

Should I have waited to discuss this in person?

Probably, but you were upset and butt-hurt, and it’s not like she was suggesting the end of the relationship, and you just said, “Oh yeah well, let’s definitely end our relationship.”

I’d appreciate your insights into any mistakes I made and guidance on what steps I can take next.

Thank you,

Bob

Well, if you’ve broken up and she said, “Hasta la vista, baby,” then you’re going to be following what’s in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back, you got to be congruent with your words and get back out there. Start. You were only together five months anyways.

You got to get back out there and start meeting and dating new women and applying what’s in the book. You should read it, learn it and become a master at it, because if you’re arguing with your girl, your girlfriend, then you’re not communicating with her. Now again, I’m assuming she’s a happy, healthy, normal woman that can communicate like an adult and is capable of that. Not all women are. Some women are just insufferable and unbearable to be with, and they’ll make your life hell.

Those women you shouldn’t waste your time with, but I’m going to assume in this case that you’re able to talk with her, but you shouldn’t be arguing with her. That tells me you don’t know the book well enough. You’re doing things that are the opposite of what it teaches. That’s why when I read these emails as a coach, here’s the list of fundamentals of what works. Then here’s what they’re doing. My job is to point out what they’re doing right, what they’re doing wrong, and what they need to do differently so they can display their most attractive side so they can get the outcomes that they want.

I’m not here to be your priest or your judge, or to say you need to stay with one person forever. Obviously, I’m not of that mindset. I know a lot of guys that get mad at me because I haven’t been with one woman my whole life, and they use that to try to dismiss my work or ignore the things I say at their own peril, but it is what it is.

What creates attraction is what creates attraction. Doesn’t matter what cultural or religious or spiritual background you’re in, what works is what works. I’m just here to teach the fundamentals and what you do with that, how long you stay with the girl or girls that you’re with is up to you, not me. I’m not interested in living my life according to other people’s expectations. You know what? You should not be either. You got to do what’s right for you. You can’t live your life according to other people’s expectations.

Like I said, the steps that you take next is you should be reading and following what’s in the article and video 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back, and when you hear from her, assume she wants to see you make a date at your place, hang out, have fun, hook up, but get back into the book and fill in your knowledge gap. Learn the rest of the information so you’re not just cherry picking the seduction and dating techniques, and then you just completely miss out on all the relationship stuff and how all of these techniques between pickup dating, and relationships work together. You got to understand all of it. You can’t just half ass it.

Unfortunately, when I go through these emails, I’m going through the emails because the guys usually didn’t listen unless it’s a success story. You’ve got to display constantly attractive behavior. If you fuck up, yeah, you fuck up. It’s not the end of the world if you screw it up and it led to the end of your relationship. It was supposed to be that way.

Now, should you or shouldn’t you get back together? It depends. Was it a good girl? Did you just display a lot of unattractive behavior that turned her off? Well, if that’s the case, fix your behavior. She’ll probably be back in touch and then make a date and then slowly rebuild the relationship, just like it’s laid out in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.