Courtship Beginnings: How Often Should You Date?

How often you should see each other and date in the beginning of the courtship of a new woman.

In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who is on his 8th read of 3% Man. He’s been dating a girl he met at a brewery for about a month. Sometimes when she reaches out first, he sets the next date right away. Other times she has to check her schedule and get back to him. She doesn’t always bring up her availability when she reaches out next and he’s not sure what to do.

He says his problem in the past was he always over pursued women he was dating and chased them away. This is a good video on how to properly balance pursuing too much and not pursuing enough. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

The idea is that you’re not trying to be a robot. You’re trying to take a step back and look at her overall interest and effort in you. Because women need time and space away from you to wonder about you and to think about you. And this is what causes their attraction for you to grow. And if a guy is always in her face, always pursuing and always trying too hard, she never gets that time away to really miss him and develop deep, strong feelings and emotionally bond with him to the point where she falls in love with him and then wants to be in a relationship.

And so, this guy is backing off, which when you first start doing this and you’ve never been this way before, it’s scary because you think, “God, am I ever going to hear from this girl again? Will I ever see her again? Did I screw up?” And it’s all this tape that’s running in your head – all your fears, your limiting beliefs, your doubts, the fears of your parents, the shortcomings of your parents – it all gets passed on to us. And so, we’re trying to overcome these things, so it’s a good email to learn that balance.

And what’s interesting, you’ll see here when I go through the email, is that when she does get back to him, she doesn’t necessarily bring up that she checked her schedule. But part of being a man, and being direct and decisive, and getting to the point, and knowing what you want, knowing your outcome and going after it is what makes a man a man. That’s why women like guys who are direct and decisive and get right to the point.

I know I mentioned this in the book, but you’ve got to understand, when she does get back after you’ve told her to check her schedule, nine times out of ten, she’s not going to say, “Hey, I checked my schedule. I’m available on this day.” They’ll just text you some meme or some text like, “Hey, what are you up to? I was thinking about you,” or something like that. And it’s up to you as the man, because you’ve got to think of yourself as if you’re in this business of sales. That’s why sales people do so well with my work, because it’s based upon what I learned being in sales all those decades ago, that you sell your prospect in person.

It’s the same thing with dating. Because guys, sooner or later, they figure out if they spend more time talking on the phone and not very much time getting together in person, they end up having a phone-ship or a situation-ship. They don’t actually get together and have a relationship, and they get stuck in friend zone by doing that. And the same thing with the salesperson. If the salesperson is constantly on the phone with people, and nobody comes in to look at his product or test drive his car or whatever, or come in for them to show properties to, you’re not going to have any sales. And so, by making an appointment in person, it makes it clear the prospect’s true interest, or lack thereof.

Viewer’s Email:

Hi Coach,

First of all, I’d like to thank you for your hard work! I used to be very unsuccessful with women, and since coming across your book I have noticed drastic improvements, although I still have work to do. (On my 8th read.)

I have been dating this girl that I met at a brewery for about 1 month now, and it’s been going pretty well. We’ve been on 5 dates so far…

So, that’s about one a week. And obviously, there was a week where they went out twice.

…and she is messaging me almost every day, throughout the whole day.

What’s important to understand about that is that women are like Mother Nature. Their emotions and their feelings, they fluctuate. And as a man, you can’t get caught up in that, or bothered by that, or uncentered or perturbed. The idea is to just let it roll off your back like water rolls off a duck’s back, and continue to focus on your outcome.

Whenever she messages me, I always assume it is because she wants to see me and ask her when she is free to get together.

Yeah, that’s right out of the book. That’s what you’re supposed to do.

Sometimes she will offer a day right away…

The other thing you’ve got to look at is her flexibility and her willingness to make plans. I mean, scarcity creates value. And I’ve talked about this a bunch as well. So, you’re only seeing your girl once or twice a week, and things are really good, and she’s always really excited to see you. And then you go away for a three-day weekend – say, you take her away to a bed and breakfast somewhere. So, you pick her up on Friday, she jumps in your arm. She’s super excited, telling you how excited she is for the weekend.

And you have a great weekend together, but you notice by the time you drop her off Sunday night, it’s almost like she seems a little less interested, maybe even bored, like her mind is somewhere else. You can’t take that personally. You’ve just got to look at it as, hey, we just spent a lot of time together. It’s just like a cat when it sits in your lap for a while and you pet it; after a while it gets tired and it leaves. You don’t chase after it, you just let it go. It’ll be back when it starts to miss you.

And remember, you must love in such a way that the person you love feels free. So, you’ve got to create the conditions where, just like kitty cats, women feel safe and comfortable enough with you to come and go as they please without getting any grief or a hard time from you. Because if you get mad and you get angry, and you try to be forceful with them, it infringes upon their freedom. And when somebody feels like they’re losing a freedom, their freedom in a relationship, they dip out.

…and I will set a definite date where we end up seeing each other and hooking up. Sometimes she will say she’s not sure and has to check her schedule, and I simply say, “No problem. Let me know when you figure it out.”

And so, as I talk about in the book, the next time she reaches out, you must assume, like a good sales person would assume, that they have figured out their schedule. And since you’re the leader, you’re the man, and you’re trying to create an opportunity for sex to happen, it’s up to you to make an appointment. And this is where he’s getting confused.

When she messages me again the next day, it’s usually about something random or her sending me a random picture, and she doesn’t bring up the scheduling that we talked about the previous day.

That’s totally normal, dude. And I do explain this in the book. And even though this guy’s been through it eight times, it’s just one of the parts of the book that didn’t click for him. And this is just why I say read it 10 to 15 times, because when you read it that many times, you kind of understand the ebb and flow of things – when to back off, when to come forward. But what’s happening is she’s reaching out, like he says, she sends a random picture, she doesn’t bring up scheduling. And you would want her to go, “Hey, I’ll get back to you. I’ll check my schedule.” That’s how a guy would think. But in this case, we’re dealing with a woman, and she’s reaching out because she wants to bond and connect.

At the end of the day, it’s up to you to be the leader. You’re the driver of the fun bus. If you’re the driver of the fun bus, you have a destination and a mission and a purpose of where you’re going. You don’t wait until the fair maiden gets on the fun bus and go, “Hey, so what are we going to do today, honey?” which a lot of guys mistakenly do. And women don’t want control. They want a guy who knows what he wants and goes for it. They want to be penetrated by your strength, not your indecisiveness.

So again, if she’s reaching out and she doesn’t bring it up, that’s totally normal. That’s when you say, “That picture is hilarious. Hey, so what did you figure out with your schedule? I want to see your face. I want to see your cute little ass over here dancing in my living room,” or whatever it happens to be. The idea is to make the appointment. It’s up to you to be direct and decisive and to do that.

Because if you just leave it up in the air – and you see women complaining about this all the time online, that the messages go back and forth and the women kind of leave it up in the air, and the guy never is direct. He just doesn’t make the appointment, he doesn’t get to the point, and it’s really frustrating. And this is part of the difference between men and women. This is the man’s role. The man’s role is to make things happen. That’s part of confidence. That’s part of masculinity – purpose, drive, mission, succeeding, accomplishing, breaking through barriers, overcoming challenges. This is what us guys do.

Usually, I will ask again if she’s figured it out yet, but sometimes this feels like I am over pursuing her.

You’re not going to say, “Hey, did you figure out your schedule yet?” because that sounds like you’re used to having people jerk you around. With confidence, you’re going to say, “Hey, when are you available? I want to see your face. What did you figure out with your schedule?” And if she goes, “Oh, I don’t know. I’m still waiting to hear back from…” you say, “Alright, babe. No problem. I’m kind of jammed up right now. I’ve got to run. Figure it out and get back to me. Talk to you later.”

Then you create a little scarcity there, because you told her to get in touch. She said she was going to get in touch when she knew her schedule, and now she got in touch, and she still doesn’t know her schedule. So, she didn’t do what you asked her to, therefore, you’re busy. You’ve got other things to do. You want to see her, but all she’s doing is, “Oh, I don’t know.”

My question to you is, should I bring up her schedule when she messages me again the following day.

Absolutely, because sales people, they get sloppy. Because I had a lot of sales people work for me, and they stopped doing these little things. Just a simple thing, like you’re showing a property to a husband and wife, and they’re like, “Oh, I really like this.” And then you’re like, “Oh, cool.” The next thing is, “Do you guys want to make an offer? Are you guys ready to make an offer? Would you like to make an offer? Do you want to make an offer?” That’s the close.

And then they look at each other, and then you say nothing because you don’t want interrupt. And then that puts a little pressure on the two and they’re like, “Okay, I’m cool. You want to go for it, honey?” And she’s like, “Let’s go for it. We should go for it.” I was like, “Great! I’ve got my little iPad here. Let’s fill out the contract. We’ll send it to them right now.” And they can write you a check for the deposit in the driveway. In the old days, we would have contracts and we’d handwrite them. Now with an iPad or a computer, you can do everything right there in the driveway on the hood of your car. Which we could do on the hood of the car before, but it’s nice having electronics.

Or just go along with her messages for a short while and then say something like, “I’ve got to run, keep in touch”?

Don’t fucking say that, dude. I know where you got that from. “I’ve got to run. Keep in touch.” That’s something out of “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back.” That’s for a girl that’s wasting your time, not somebody that you’re actively hooking up with on a weekly basis and she’s texting you. You don’t say, “Keep in touch.” That would be actually rude and would have the opposite effect. You don’t want to say that.

You’re just going to tell her what to do. If you bring up, “Hey, what did you figure out?” and she’s still saying, “I don’t know,” you’re like, “Babe, it’s so awesome to hear from you, but I’m about to step into a meeting. Figure out your schedule and get back to me.” Then the next time she gets back to you, first thing, “Hey, how’s your day? How’s your evening going?” You’re like, “It’s going great, babe. What did you figure out with your schedule?” Right to the point.

I have been focusing on not over pursuing, since that is usually the main problem that I have, but this girl confuses me, since she won’t always make a date right away…

It’s in the book, dude. This is exactly what they do.

…when I ask her, but to continues to blow up my phone most days.

All the best,

Bob

Women tend to take little things and blow them up. And it’s us guys that take this big thing and shrink it right down to a little thing, getting to the point. “Let’s get together in person.” You make the date happen, get together in person and sell them, and make sure you go for the close. So, at the end of the day, by the time the conversation ends, you either have a definite date or you’ve reiterated for her to check her schedule.

The other thing is, if she’s texting you every day, and when you ask her and she seems a little less enthusiastic, I would wait to ask her out for several days. If you always ask her out every time she reaches out to you, like in this case, it seems like he’s only getting together once a week, and if she’s texting him every day or almost every day, you shouldn’t be having to make a date every single day.

But the thing you’ve got to notice is you want her to be excited, “Oh, yeah, definitely!” Because you want it to get to the point where, when she’s in love, she’s going to be over at your place every night or you’re going to be at hers. That’s what happens after a couple of months of dating. It’s the ebb and flow. But you’ve got to have enough time for her to be away from you, to wonder about you and to miss you.

And so, if you’re getting too much of this flakiness, “I’ve got to check my schedule,” then ask her out less and see her less. Maybe you go a week and a half without seeing each other. Because you want her to get a little frustrated like, “I haven’t seen you in a while. I miss you.” That’s what you want. And if she’s not always making dates right away, it shows she’s a little too comfortable, and I’d back off a little bit. I wouldn’t ask her out as much, or I would just be busy and push your date off further into the future.

If she’s excited to see you, and she was great the last time you were together, and she makes a date right away, great. Make it. But if instead of enthusiasm for a date, like “Hell, yeah. Let’s make a date right away,” you get, “Oh, I’ve got to check my schedule. I’ve got to check with so-and-so,” it shows that you’re not as high of a priority as you should be in her life. Therefore, she should be a little bit less of a priority. It doesn’t mean you’re going to be rude to her. It just means that you’ll push the days out between when you would normally see her.

And so, it’s okay if maybe last week you saw her three times, and then maybe this week you don’t see her until Monday of next week, because she’s kind of acting like she’s got other things going on and you’re not as much of a priority to her. So, that’s the key. The thing that makes that really hard is when your emotions are really engaged, and you really care for her, and you really want to see her. Then, the last thing you want to do is set a date a week and a half in the future. It’s like, “Ugh, I’ve got to wait a week.” But you’ve got to get to the point where you’re okay with that. Because if you’re upset by it, and bothered, and perturbed, she’s going to feel that, and that’s unattractive. And typically, they back away and test when they feel or sense weakness.

So, if you’ve got a question or challenge you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.