How to avoid a dating disaster by mixing business with pleasure or trying to fix a woman’s life to help your relationship.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss two different emails from two different viewers. The first email is from a viewer who has read my first book, How To Be A 3% Man, twelve times. He says that his lawyer girlfriend’s job is so demanding that they never spend any time together.
The second email is from a guy who just got my book and has been dating an ex of his after she got divorced. He got involved with her business trying to help her, but she has a different work ethic and seems to be backing away and losing romantic interest. There are a lot of red flags that he is dismissing as “insignificant” that are contributing to the problems he is having with her. He knows he has been over-pursuing her but is unsure of what to do because of the business complication. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the bodies of their emails.
I’ve got two emails I’m going to go through with you today. The first one is a really short email. The guy has read my book 12 times and he’s got a lawyer girlfriend. He says her job is so demanding that they hardly spend any time together. I know you guys are probably already laughing at this going, “I know what this is about.”
But the second email is from a guy who started dating an ex of his after she got divorced. And he obviously recognizes that he has been over pursuing her. And he kind of made the mistake of getting involved and trying to help her with her business. And she doesn’t apparently have the same kind of work ethic. And so, they’re spending less and less time together, but he’s still helping her with her business. And he’s thinking, “Why would I want to help this girl in her business if we’re hardly ever getting together for anything romantic,” because he wants everything. He wants the romantic side, and he’s happy to help with the business side. But it seems like she’s appreciating the business stuff and is backing away romantically.
First Viewer’s Email:
Bro, I have read your book at least 12 times, and it’s so true, but I’m still struggling with my relationship. I’ve been seeing a girl for over a year, and her job takes priority over me.
That’s because her interest in you is low.
She is a lawyer, and her job is so demanding we don’t spend time together anymore since Covid. We spent every weekend together. She lives an hour away and she would come over.
Well, Covid has been going on for almost a year, dude.
I tried to plan dates during Covid to have fun and hang out and hook up. No matter what I do right now, it does not work.
Obviously, you’re doing too much.
She has no time for me. I find myself going out to date other women, even though I’m with her.
Come on, man, she’s not with you.
I still feel empty and want this girl. Any advice would help.
Well, you may have read “How To Be A 3% Man” 12 times, but you’re doing the opposite of what it teaches. Never try to keep somebody in your life who doesn’t want to keep you in theirs. If you take a step back and you look at her actions, what do her actions show? She’s more into her job than she is into you. And so, that should tell you everything. You’re just simply not a priority to her.
She probably likes the attention and validation that she gets from you, but she’s making no effort to spend time with you. And plus, on top of that, she’s an hour away. So you’re doing the right thing by dating other women. You’re not technically with her. Maybe you haven’t had that conversation with her yet, but she’s making no effort. And if I were you, I would just stop calling her altogether.
You don’t continue pursuing somebody who keeps rejecting you. I mean, it’s right in the book. You try twice, and if she still won’t set a date, you don’t ever call or text her again for any reason, because you’re looking for mutual enthusiasm. You want somebody that when you offer her to spend time with you, which is the greatest gift you can give anybody, she’s excited. She isn’t going to be like, “Ehh,” or try to get you to go to a coffee date or lunch or some kind of BS platonic nonsense.
If she’s not excited about the opportunity to spend time with you, then you need to keep looking until you find somebody who is. That’s the harsh reality. And dude, this girl just doesn’t give a damn about you. It’s best you just don’t call her. Just start dating and moving on with your life, and if she reaches out, send two or three text replies back and forth, “Hey, it was great hearing from you. I’ve got to run. Keep in touch.” If she calls you, talk for two to three minutes, and say, “Hey, it’s great hearing your voice, but I’ve got to run. Keep in touch,” and that’s it.
And don’t ever bring up getting together again, because it’s obvious after a year and all the times you tried to get her to come over, and she’s just denied you. Don’t ask, and then she’ll learn real quick that you stopped moving forward. You’re not trying to get together with her. It almost sounds like you’re nice, you’re respectful, but it almost sounds like you’re a little bored. And if you’re not bringing up getting together again and then you’re trying to get off the phone, obviously she’s going to recognize that maybe somebody else has your attention. And remember, the quickest way to get somebody else’s attention is to remove yours. So, remove your attention.
Second Viewer’s Email:
I’m a 39 y/o male and reconnected with an ex after she had a divorce.
I can hear the audience going, “Doh!”
Everything was great the first few months, and in Fall 2020 we decided to date exclusively. We also discussed a future together and potential kids. After the holidays the effort was not 50/50.
Well, any time a guy tells me it’s 50-50, it’s just a matter of time before you get friendzoned or you get the “I’m confused. I need some space. I’m not sure where I’m able to be right now at this point in my life. I have to work on myself. I’m not ready for a relationship.” It’s like, you hear the same platitudes? It doesn’t matter, because I talk to dudes on every continent and country of the globe, and women say the same things. It’s absolutely amazing. They have a dozen or so canned platitudes and it doesn’t matter what culture, they just say the same things. It’s so interesting. I wonder why that is.
Obviously, we’re all connected on some level spiritually. That’s the only thing that makes sense. Unless there’s a website out there that only women have access to, and they’ve got the approved platitudes for relationship scenarios and they all memorize them, and I don’t think that’s the case. So, it makes you think. We’re spiritual beings having a human experience, we’re not a bunch of mindless meat bags running around, bumping into each other.
I was doing a lot of the work in hopes she would step it up.
So, you’re trying to force things because you fear losing, and you’re trying to force a relationship, instead of letting her come to you. Obviously, I’ve already read this email, so I know you haven’t read my book yet, but you’ll see once you start going through it all the light bulbs will go off in your head, and you’ll realize what you’ve been doing wrong.
But what I liked about this email is there’s a bunch of red flags in it that the guy that wrote the email was kind of dismissing like they’re irrelevant, but they’re huge red flags. And on top of that, she’s an ex that he’s trying to have a relationship with — somebody that went and got married and had a relationship with somebody else and eventually got divorced.
Now, I’m not calling the kettle black, because I do this occasionally with some of my exes. So, my lifelong loves, if you will, if we’re both single at the same time, it’s like, hell yeah, I’d love to hear from them. It doesn’t mean I’m going to get into a long term, exclusive relationship, but it’s so cool to get together with somebody after 10, 15, 20 years and reconnect and hear their stories, and what they’ve gone through and what they’ve experienced, what they’ve learned, and see how they’ve grown and changed since the last time we were together.
I’m just different than most people, and I think that’s cool. Most people are like, “What the hell is wrong with you, Coach?” I’m just not like most people. I’m on a different path. And if I wasn’t on this path, I would have never learned what I learned to put in “How To Be A 3% Man” or in “Mastering Yourself.” You can read both of them for free at UnderstandingRelationships.com. All you’ve got to do is subscribe to email newsletter.
But she just took advantage.
Well, it’s like anything in life. If you don’t have to work for it, you take it for granted. And you were basically acting like the woman in the relationship. And so, therefore, you made it too easy for her and she just didn’t appreciate it, because she didn’t have to work to earn you. She wasn’t working to earn your attention and validation.
I realized I was over pursuing her and coming off as being needy and feminine. She has told me that she wanted to have a romantic relationship with me, but her actions aren’t consistent.
Well, you can’t force it, and that’s your problem. You’ve got to let women come to you at their pace. You should never do more than 20-30% of the calling, texting and pursuing. Any time it’s 50-50, that’s what you get. You get women that back away and become confused and they have platonic feelings for you.
How do I change that?
You’ve got to slowly back off over the next several weeks.
I told her when we decided to date exclusively that I needed communication, loyalty, and consistency along with effort. From what I can measure, all of those have fallen short of expectations, maybe even loyalty also.
That’s why you date, you test drive. But this is an ex of yours, so you shouldn’t be surprised at any of this. What’s interesting is, I had an Infiniti Q45 five years ago, and I think I sold that thing in 2006 when I sold my house. I loved that car. It was beautiful, it drove nice. My girlfriends loved that car. It was just awesome. Even the little munchkin when she was little used to love it, because I had a little keypad in the back, and she’d be changing the radio stations and stuff. And I had a lot of great memories, a lot of fun in that car.
And I remember the guy that I sold it to, he was in Atlanta and flew to Orlando, and then I went and picked him up at the airport. We test drove the car, we went to his bank, he gave me the check and then he drove it back. And for weeks after, he’s like, “Man, I love this car. It’s amazing.” I was like, “I know.” And I remember it was around probably three or four years later, I just happened to be looking on eBay Motors, and the car was back on there. And I was thinking, “It would be great to buy that car again,” because the guy had driven it lot and taken great care of it.
But it’s kind of like what it is. You trade in a used car, and you get a new model. And then five, six years later, or how many years this woman was married, you go back to the used car lot and it’s got another 10, 20, 40, 50 thousand miles on it. It’s obviously going to be a little worn out by then, a little more worn out. But that’s basically what you did. You went back and got your old used car back. I guess maybe I’ve kind of done the same thing, but I only test drove it for a short period of time, and it was amazing. It’s a gift. Gives you perspective in life.
I felt since we are not in an official BF/GF relationship I cannot call her out, very beta of me. Through watching your videos, I realize it’s about how she treats me, regardless of title.
Yeah, she treats you like she totally takes you for granted, especially when she pushes you away and treats you like a second class citizen, and you keep pursuing her.
What makes our relationship unique is that I help her out with her small business (pro bono).
No bueno. Come on, man! You’re trying to fix this woman. She’s a fixer upper. So, it’s like you got the used car, “You know what? With a new paint job, maybe some new tires, maybe change the oil, maybe fix some of the tears in the upholstery, It’ll be great.” But at the end of the day, it’s still beat up. It’s more beat up than when you had it last time around. And as we get older, I mean, obviously we don’t look the same as we did 10, 15, 20 years ago. But when you love somebody so, it’s still fun.
We talked daily every day since we became exclusive. I understand using the phone for setting appointments, but I found myself using the phone discussing business, not always pleasure.
And this, again, is more of your behavior of trying to force yourself into her life and get more control of what’s going on in her life in hopes that you can get her to love you more. And that’s just simply not going to work. You want the woman doing most of the calling, texting and pursuing. And when you interject yourself now into her business life, it’s like, without realizing it, you become her therapist and her platonic friend, not the hot guy that she’s got to win over.
I tried to help her set revenue goals etc. for work, but she has a different work ethic than me.
It sounds like she’s a B and C player and you’re an A player. And the reality is the more you try to push the wet noodle, the more frustrated you’re going to get, dude. Been there, done that, got the t-shirt. I’ve hired and fired hundreds of people in my career, and the reality is high achievers have it, and low achievers and mediocre people don’t. Low achievers and mediocre people always talk about what they’re going to do, but they don’t follow through with it.
It’s just like when I hire people, it’s like they either do what they say they’re going to do or they don’t. You give them the chance to be great and you give him all the support they need, but sometimes they fall flat on their face. That’s just the way it is. That’s why you’ve got to do a good job of prequalifying people up front, whether it’s your romantic life, your friendships, or somebody you get involved with business-wise.
I feel like our business relationship has come in the way of our romantic relationship and ruined attraction. HELP!
You’re over pursuing and acting like a girl is what’s ruined attraction, dude. The business things should have come only if she was asking for your advice, and then you can give her advice when you’re laying naked in bed together, instead of trying to solve her problems, and run her life, and run her business like she should. I’ve had several calls over the years when I’ve done phone sessions with guys that get themselves involved with investing in their girlfriend or their wives’ business, and they don’t make it work, because they’re really not that into it. And they end up wasted hundreds of thousands of dollars before they finally realize she doesn’t really want to be a business person or an entrepreneur. In other words, they’re projecting their fantasy of what they want their woman to be, and they’re ignoring the fact that she’s just not into it. You always look at what people do, not what they say.
I catch her in small lies that are insignificant…
Come on, man. That is a big red flag. So, if she’s lying to you about the little things that really don’t matter, she’s obviously lying to you about a lot of big things as well. Again, you’re driving around a used car that you got rid of many years ago and now you got it back again. Like, at least in my cases, I know what I got. And I still love them regardless, but I’m not going to stay together forever. But it’s cool to reconnect. But I’m bent like that. I’m kind of weird, I get it, and I’m not like everybody else.
…but feel they are as a result of her not feeling free.
She’s not an A type player, dude. Just like you said, she doesn’t have the same work ethic.
She is starting to pull back with the contact and breaking plans with me.
So, when women start breaking plans with you, after they’ve cancelled dates, especially when they don’t offer a counteroffer, then don’t ask them to get together and stop moving forward completely. Again, the quickest way to get somebody else’s attention is to remove yours. And if she’s breaking plans with you, you should stop moving forward completely.
I know she can give me what I need when she is in her feminine.
No, you don’t know that, dude. Plus, you haven’t read the book yet, because a lot of light bulbs will go off once you get through “How To Be A 3% Man” the first time.
The more effort I invested to make up for the lack of effort on her end, the more I feel emotionally vulnerable.
Well, that’s kind of like investing money in a stock that’s continuing to go down and you see your stock in the red. It’s always fun when you buy a stock and it goes the opposite way. But as long as the fundamentals haven’t changed for why you got into the investment in the first place, you have diamond hands.
How do I break the business relationship to allow time to pull back and build back attraction?
So, don’t call her, don’t text her again for any reason. If she reaches out and wants to talk to business, say, “Hey. Well, why don’t you grab a bottle of wine and come on over to my house, and we can talk about it over dinner.” And if she does anything but say yes to that, then just go, “Hey, no problem. Well, give me a call in a week or two, and maybe I’ll be up for meeting you out, or going to lunch, or I’ll have some more time to do that.” Just withdraw that. Don’t give her the business advice.
If she’s not willing to come spend time in person, just be busy. Tell her you don’t have the time to talk, and you’re willing to set some time for her, but if she doesn’t want to come over, then call you in a week or two, and then you’ll be up for something then. “I’m all jammed up this week, just busy. My schedule’s crazy, it’s crazy. Things have been so busy lately.” Girls do it to guys all the fucking time.
I don’t want her to call me for business stuff at her leisure and not get any quality dating time out if it.
Great, so negotiate that. Meaning, if she wants to talk about business, “Hey, come on over. Well, you know what? You want to talk about business, you should bring a bottle of wine over and my favorite chocolates, and feed them to me, and you can ask me all the business questions you want.” When she’s like, “Well, I’ve just got a few questions,” you’re like, “Well, I’m kind of busy right now, and quite frankly, I’m interested in romance. And I’m happy to talk about business, but only as part of our romantic get-togethers. And what you and I have is become too businesslike, and I’m just not down for that. I want to see you naked in my bed. That’s what I want to see.”
I want her to appreciate, miss me and initiate most of the contact during this time.
Well, like I said, I would stop moving forward 100%, and let her do 100% of the calling, texting and pursuing.
Using the phone to set a firm date for hanging out, having fun, and hooking up: keeping it simple – no relationship or business talk.
Well, like I said, if she wants to talk about business, she can do it while she’s laying naked next to you in bed. And at this point, dude, I would want to see her come to your house for the next three dates in a row. And as long as you hang out and have fun and hook up all three dates in a row, then you can meet her out and pick her up and kind of do some of those things. But I would let her do all of the calling, texting and pursuing.
Then, if she complains about it, just say, “Hey, you know, you’re not making the effort. And some of the things we talk about on business, you’re not really following through on it, so it kind of tells me that you’re taking a lot of my advice for granted, and you don’t really appreciate it. And I want to be appreciated.”
Best case scenario, we let time pass to build attraction and ramp back up into dating via “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back.”
Now you’re talking.
In order not to over pursue, I want to know what is the appropriate contact ratio when you are in a relationship versus dating, is it still 70-80% initiated by her? Does that change during a relationship without her losing interest or thinking I am ignoring her/ meeting her needs? Thank you for all you do, I just got your book.
Like I said, dude, I would let her do 100% of it at this point. Wait to hear from her, because she’s been canceling plans. So, I wouldn’t even bring up making plans. If she wants to talk about business, say, “Hey, I’m kind of jammed up right now. I can’t talk, but if you want to get together and bring a bottle of wine over, you can ask me all the business questions you want as we’re looking into each other’s eyes and you’re mesmerized by my handsome, rugged good looks. And then maybe a little kissy poo, and I might agree to be the Oracle of Omaha for you,” as they call Warren Buffett. Something along those lines. But like I said, 100% of the calling, texting and pursuing needs to be done by her.
And so, if you haven’t got any of these sweet Teespring mugs, go to Teespring.com at the Coach Corey Wayne store. And if you’d like to do a coaching session with yours truly, maybe you’re in a similar situation like this and you’re emotionally distraught, things are going sideways. Maybe it’s your marriage, your relationship, your girlfriend, and things aren’t going well, and you’d like my help and my assessment, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.
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Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“Ideal romantic relationships, business partnerships and close friendships come from having similar goals and values. Type A players don’t want to work with, date or be around B and C players for very long without feeling resentful. It’s not your job to fix or to save other people who are unwilling to help themselves. The only thing you can do is show up as your best self, gently lead, suggest and encourage others to reach their own greatness, but it’s still up to them to take the required action and do the work to help themselves. You can’t love someone because of their potential if they are not living up to it for very long without resenting it. Instead, find somebody else who is on the same path and who is just as motivated, persistent and passionate as you are, and together you can achieve incredible things. The right people make things easy and effortless. The wrong people make things difficult and frustrating.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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