Why you should take your dating interactions on a day-by-day basis by living in the present moment and not get caught up in thoughts about the future and whether or not it will turn into a relationship.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who says he has always been good with women. He is thirty-one, successful, makes good money, travels for a living and meets many beautiful women in the “target rich” environment of South Miami Beach, Florida. He had a long-term relationship when he was younger and thought he had women all figured out. About three months ago, he met a twenty-five year old, gorgeous, career minded, successful woman. In the beginning, she did most of the pursuing, was all over him, talking about their future together, wanting to meet his family, etc. She would even tell him about all the other guys who were hitting on her.
After about six weeks, he stopped living in the present moment and started worrying about their future together. She started backing away to the point she completely started ignoring his messages, but he continued his contact barrage until he finally told her he was out, since she was not making any effort. She had the gall to tell him she had not heard from him very much and essentially blamed him for the fact things were going nowhere. He asks my opinion on how he can turn things around. My comments are in (bold parenthesis like this below) in the body of his email.
Hey Coach Corey,
Your book and YouTube have been instrumental in guiding me over the last 6 weeks. Thank you. I’ll keep this as short as I can.
I’m 31 and live in Miami with plenty of women ripe for the picking. I’ve never had an issue with women, as I learned a lot from a long time relationship I had when I was in my youth, so I thought I knew women. Silly me. I make great money, I’m super independent, health focused, confident and women find me attractive. (All that really does is get you in the door. If you don’t have your shit together and you don’t know how to interact with women, you’re not going to be successful long term.) I’ve spent the last several years pushing relationships away. 1) Sadly, no-one really was up to my relationship standards, 2) I have been focused on my career, and 3) I travel for a living.
About 3 months back, I met an incredible girl, aged 25. We hit it off immediately. She was chasing me, doing all of the contact, was head over heels for me, sex was great, she loved that I wasn’t just another needy guy and gave me all the clues to her heart and how to keep her. (When women like you, they will help you. However, most of the time, guys don’t listen.) Slowly but surely, before I found your book and YouTube channel, I started expressing feelings and future thoughts as she backed away. (You were no longer living in the present moment, and wanted to lock her down to a commitment. When you saw her backing away, you felt like you needed to do something. This is called, “The Illusion of Action.”) I never over pursued, but I said all the wrong things when we were together. What an idiot. I should note, this girl is insanely beautiful, successful and confident. She would come home to me telling me about all of the men going after her. Never a jealous person, I would laugh it off. (If the girl is loyal and trustworthy, she’s going to tell you about all of the guys hitting on her out of respect. When she stops telling you about all of those guys, you should pay more attention.)
Well, things got a little squirrelly. She was so into me for the first 6 weeks, asking to meet my family, talking about the future, and saying she never met a man like me, and that “I scared her.” I now know I should’ve been my calm self, which was out of character then, (Initially, she seemed unsure of herself, because you seemed to be so different than all of the other guys. You were a mystery, and she couldn’t figure you out. It’s a scientific fact that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear), and told her to slow down, and take us day by day. I stopped being responsible for having fun, hanging out and hooking up. (You stopped living in the present moment.) This has never been an issue for me, until I met “the one.” I know, I know, total bullshit. I had found you at this point, but it was too late. She would text me once a week, I would respond nicely and ask for her availability. No response. (If a woman doesn’t make plans with you after you’ve asked her out on two consecutive occasions, don’t bring up getting together again. She’ll either bring up getting together, or stop calling. You need to read my book 10-15 times and learn the fundamentals, instead of cherry picking information.) I called a few times over several weeks, one time each week, (Like I discuss in my article and video, “Dating Is Like Tennis,” you hit the ball over the next and then wait for her to hit it back. You should wait for her to respond, instead of over pursuing), left a message, no responses. All during this time, she would like my posts. Total mind fuck. (You’re continuing to pursue, even though you’re getting ignored.) After about a month of this total switch in communication and not seeing each other, I told her I do not like the new terms, and I want to be in her life, but if she doesn’t reciprocate, I’m out. (You’re trying to force a response from her. She wants a guy who acts like a man, but you’ve become needy.)
Here’s where I need some guidance. She responded to my last message saying she hasn’t heard much from me either. I called her on her bullshit, and it ended. Did I do that right? (You should have stopped pursuing her a long time ago.) I’m a week into walking away and have dates planned with other girls. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t upset, but I must move on. What do I do when she contacts me again? (Ask her out. If she ignores you, then don’t bring it up anymore. As my article and video, “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back,” discusses, she should be doing 100% of the calling, texting and pursuing from this point forward.) I’m confused by the methodology. (As I said before, read the book 10-15 times.) She never explicitly broke it off with me, (Her actions show she completely blew you off, yet you continued running after her like a puppy dog), but her actions were as clear as day. Do I follow the “come over with a bottle of wine, it’s been a long week” move? (Sure, but she must come over to your place for at least the first three dates in a row.) Or can I ask her to dinner? (No. You absolutely do not do that.) This is slightly different from the few 100 videos I’ve watched now, and I’m just curious as to what’s the play when she comes back. (It’s spelled out step by step in my article and video, “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back.”)
Just some thoughts I know you may want to talk about. There’s a million more details but that’s the spark notes. (If she reaches out to you, try to make a date. If she ignores you, tell her to figure out her schedule and get back to you. She has to earn another chance with you.)
Thanks for your help,
“The average guy, when he notices that a woman he is dating is backing away, losing interest, making less and less of an effort and generally becoming unavailable, incorrectly assumes he needs to do something or do more to get her attention, so she will spend more time with him. This is called the “Illusion Of Action.” The reality is, when you notice a woman making less of an effort, losing enthusiasm to see you and being evasive when it comes to making plans to get together, you should stop making any more effort to get together by backing off and waiting to hear from her. Scarcity creates the perception of value. As long as she has not become completely turned off and lost interest, she will eventually reach out to you. When and if she does reach out, you should simply make the next date. Men who don’t back off and continue their over-pursuit will eventually get friend-zoned, blown off or ignored completely. When you love, value and respect yourself, you will never try to keep someone who makes no effort to keep you.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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