Dealing With Anxiety & Fear While Dating Your Dream Woman

How to deal with anxiety & fear when you start dating your dream woman.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer whose previous email I answered in, “She Got Serious With Another Guy But Now She’s Back.” He has been dating someone new for about 2 months, and really likes her, but he is anxious and fearful he’s going to make a mistake and ruin things. He asks how to deal with it. He’s worried she should be more into him than she is and that he’s making mistakes. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne and this is my Video Coaching Newsletter. And the topic of today’s newsletter is going to be, “Dealing With Anxiety & Fear While Dating Your Dream Woman.”

Well, if you’re gonna follow what I teach and you’re going to learn what’s in the book, and you’re going to try to punch above your weight, and date the kind of woman that you may presently or used to feel was out of your league. When you really start caring, and especially as things progress, if you’ve never gotten that far with a woman that knocks your socks off, and then once your emotions get engaged, you’re going to have to deal with your fears, your doubts, your insecurities, childhood trauma, those kinds of things.

So it’s like all of your weaknesses just get brought in so much closer, because when you really care for somebody and to you, she’s your dream girl, the hottest girl you’ve ever been out with. And you care about her more than anybody, then you’re going to be dealing with your fears in a way that you’re probably not used to when you’re dating somebody you don’t really care so much about. Because when we date somebody that we have kind of mediocre interest in or we’re not that into, it’s easy to do everything right because there’s really no downside.

But when you’re with somebody and it’s the hottest girl you’ve ever been with, you’ve been dating her longer than you’ve dated somebody you felt that way about, and you’ve never got to have a relationship with anybody of that caliber. It’s like a wall of fear in every single guy has to deal with it. I wrote about it extensively in Mastering Yourself, trying to paint a picture of what I was thinking, what I was going through, because every guy has to deal with it. And really it’s just time and repetition and being able to see what’s in the book, showing up in your life and the relationship with the girl that you’re dating.

And after spending a year or two and you go through enough periods where maybe make some mistakes and she starts to back off a little bit and you can tell you lowered her attraction, but then she starts to come back because you give her a little space. You don’t chase, you don’t over pursue, you don’t act needy. You don’t act clingy. In other words, you learn slowly over time to exercise emotional self control. It’s an art. And it’s just like a muscle that you’ve got to practice over and over. And the first few months when you’re dating somebody like this, you don’t know whether it’s going to work out or not, and you’re full of fear.

Like, you’ll see with this guy’s email. He does a really good job of illustrating what he’s dealing with, but we all have to deal with it to some degree. And it makes it hard to focus on work and go to the gym and do the things you want to do, because in the back of your mind, you’re terrified and you’re worried that you’re going to lose the girl, all of a sudden she’s going to ghost you, or just disappear, or try to friend zone you, or break it off and date somebody else instead.

And so you just need enough time and in repetition with somebody like that, that makes you feel that way in a relationship so you can get past the honeymoon period, get past all the infatuation, which usually is around 6 to 12 months, typically in most cases, sometimes a little bit longer. But once you’ve been with her long enough and you’ve been through enough ups and downs, and you notice that she always comes back, as long as I act attractive and act in ways that are consistent with the book, she always comes back.

When you see that pattern over and over and over, initially, you’re trusting that, the kitty cats going to come back, but yet slowly you notice that kitty cat always does come back. Because when it hasn’t happened enough, you’re terrified that we don’t hear from her for a day or two or whatever, or she wasn’t excited to see you as she had been the last time. And you don’t let that cause you to lose your shit. You just kind of get over it with enough time. And there’s some other things that I’ll go through that can help with that.

Something like, if you’re full of fear and anxiety like this guy is, he’s like second guessing himself constantly. Something that would really help is a Consciousness Exercises doing Stages 1 through 12. Do it a couple hours before your date. Take about an hour or so, an hour and 20 minutes. Put them on your big screen TV and just do the whole Playlist with Doctor D’Anna and Gracie. So if you go to the homepage of my YouTube Channel, scroll all the way to the bottom.

There will be Stages 1 through 12 and just do them with Doctor D’Anna and Gracie. Put it on your on your TV and follow that. And that’ll really help alleviate the anxiety and the fear before you go out on your dates. And I would recommend like Monday, Wednesday and Friday. You do all 12 stages, especially when you’re not talking to her and you’re away from her and you’re worried and you’re thinking about, oh, it’s been a little bit longer since you replied than the last time.

Does that mean she’s losing interest? And so you see this guy, he’s really overthinking things, but it’s just something that every man has to learn to deal with. But when you got the cheat codes, and especially if you took the time to read the book 10 to 15 times. It’s reading the book, well especially like this guy here, reading the book while he’s in this situation would be really helpful consciously going through it. Because if you’ve only read it a couple of times and you’re in a situation like this, it’s really hard to do more things right than wrong.

Viewer Email:

Hi Corey,

You recently answered a previous email of mine in the video, “She Got Serious With Another Guy But Now She’s Back.” That fizzled out after a couple of dates. As that was happening, I met another girl off the same dating app. We had a good first date, I waited a few days and texted her for a second date which went great and ended at her place. I tried to progress things, but she eventually said, “Can we take things slow and not have sex tonight”. I backed off a bit, tried to escalate things later but ended up leaving. She texted me the next day and after a few messages said, “When do I get to see you again?”

So when a girl does that, that’s high interest. That means the last date went pretty good.

I made a date with her for the next weekend to make dinner at my place and this time we went all the way.

Well, I personally wouldn’t, because, so a woman who’s got lower interest probably would not come over for the dinner date. Because that’s the third date. And so when you invite a woman over and you almost had sex the last time, what most the way us guys think is, “hey, we’ll just pick up, right where we left off. We almost had sex in the second date, so I’ll just have her come over for dinner, and then we’ll definitely have sex in the third date.” And so even though it went his way, she obviously has high interest.

But a woman with lower interest is probably going to give you some pushback, because the idea is you are supposed to end up at your place at the end of the evening after going out to places for a date. And again, that’s why I can tell he hasn’t read the book ten, 15 times. He doesn’t know it backwards and forwards. And that’s part of the reason for his anxiety. He’s probably a little bit of a cherry picker and just hasn’t spent the time. Or maybe he’s read it several times, but this is the first girl he likes that he’s really applying it with, so it’s important.

The better you understand the information in the book, the less you’re going to be second guessing yourself. If you’ve only kind of thumbed through it or been through it a few times, and especially if you’re just a cherry picker cherry picking in videos, you’re going to be full of fear and anxious and sometimes feeling like you want to jump out of your skin. So this is where knowing the book backwards and forwards will help get you over the hump and pass this wall of fear that we all, every guy has to deal with.

She messaged me the next day asking what I was doing that night, I had a date with another girl lined up, so I just said I was busy with friends.

Which is also helpful. He’s dating other women at the same time. Even though this is the girl he’s primarily interested in, he’s keeping his options open. And the reality is other women give you more; it gives you a larger sample size to practice with. So if you got three different girls that you’re dating, there’s probably going to be one that’s your favorite and there’s going to be one that’s your least favorite. And the girls are going to be varying levels of interest and enthusiasm for you. And so it just helps you do more things right than wrong when you got multiple choices and options.

She asked if I wanted to come over after but as it got too late and I organized to see her the following night. Things seemed to be going pretty well at this stage, and I was starting to see her more often. Eventually the other girls that I was talking to all fell away, as I thought things were going pretty well here, I didn’t pursue any other girls/start new conversations, even though we hadn’t talked about being exclusive.

So you could tell he’s kind of decided, “this is the girl I want as my girlfriend.” And so after that, you’ll notice that things are going to get harder because now he doesn’t have any other choices or any other options. He’s basically decided that that’s the one he wants, even though he’s still in the process of learning the book. And so you’ll see, it gets harder, because now he’s got all of his eggs in one basket.

She did casually mention that she wasn’t seeing any other guys, but I don’t actually know what her dating intentions are, or if she is even looking to get serious with anyone right now.

Well, all relationships start out as casual hanging out, having fun and hooking up. And so again, this tells me you’re probably way more into her than she’s into you. And it gets harder if you haven’t done this enough to not reveal that to her.

I’m 36 and she’s 31, she told me she wants kids one day so it would seem likely that she should want to get serious with someone soon if that’s the case. I noticed that she still wasn’t reaching out that much between dates. This caught my attention as it doesn’t align with how you describe things in the book. Granted you do everything right, which I may not have.

So you can tell the girl is all throughout this reaching out, but he’s looking at it going, “she should be reaching out more. Why doesn’t she like me more?” Instead of having the attitude of, “do I like this girl? Is she good for me?” Part of his problem again is that he stopped dating other women and solely decided to focus on her. So now he’s got massive downside risk because he’s got nothing else going on if it doesn’t work out. And since there aren’t other girls around to keep them busy, now he’s just totally obsessing over here.

I saw her Wednesday night a week ago, then she had 4 straight night shifts from 8 p.m. to 8 a.m. When she dropped me at work Thursday morning, we verbally agreed on a date the following Tuesday after her night shifts had ended.

So you’re on a date with her and you’re planning the next date already? That tells me you’re probably a little anxious and fearful and worried you’re not going to see her again. So now you’re making dates, future dates while you’re still on one date. So unless she was the one bringing it up first, the book recommends not doing that because that will cause you to come off as a little needy, a little clingy, and will start to reveal that you’re way more into her than she’s into you. And if a woman senses that, they typically back off a little bit. And that sends him into more of a tailspin.

She also said that I could contact her anytime.

Remember the phones for setting dates.

Maybe she thinks I’m being too cold or not texting enough. She texted me Saturday night and after that conversation thread had ended, I sent her a message on Sunday night, she didn’t reply to the following until Tuesday afternoon.

Well the phone’s for setting dates, not getting to know somebody. And if now that you guys are already hooking up, especially if she’s texting you at night like 8 or 9:00 at night. “Hey, what are you doing?” Just say, “come over.” That’s all you need to say at that point. You don’t need to arrange an official date.

She also wanted to move our plans from Tuesday to Wednesday as she was still tired from her night shift. I don’t know if I should take this on face value or see it as a drop in interest, as she had previously come over after a night shift that same day, but this time was too tired even though the night shift was a few days before.

So again, this is probably because you made a date while you were still on a current date. And so again, that tells me as you’re becoming more into her, you’re a little more fearful. You’re worried you’re not going to see her again. And now you’re trying to make future dates while you’re still on another date. That does come off as needy and clingy. And that’s why she’s probably pushing the date back. Because she can tell you’re probably zeroing in on her and you want her as a girlfriend.

I asked her if she wanted to stay over Wednesday night, to which she said, “let’s see how we go”.

So again, he’s got a date set up, and now he’s saying, “oh, you’re going to stay over.” So again, more neediness, more clinginess. It’s like too much, dude. Women like you more if they think that they’re more into you than you are into them. And so you’re showing your cards a little too much here. So I could tell you’re worried that it’s not going to work out. And so that’s causing you to call her more, text her more, spend more time texting with her. Make dates when you’re already on a date with her in the future.

And again, that comes off as being needy and clingy because it’s coming from a place of worry and fear that you’re not going to see her again. So you figure you’ll lock her down to a future date while you’re on a current date, and that’ll be easier to deal with the space in between the dates. But what’s happening is that’s causing her interest to go down a little bit. That’s why she’s pushing dates off.

And it’s also possible there’s another guy that she’s talking to. There could have been an ex that came back. There could have been somebody else that she met. This is why it’s important for your game to be tight, and especially you guys that are still in the process of learning this stuff. Don’t do what this guy did, which is just, you know, stop dating other women altogether and only focus on this one.

I did the takeaway method and responded by telling her I would move my work from home day so she wanted to stay over, but if there was something stopping her, I would just leave it, and she ended up agreeing to that. When she came over she was 20 minutes late without saying anything, we had a good night and ended up having sex.

So when a woman has high interest in respect, she shows up on time. If her interest and respect has gone down a little bit and she was always on time before. Again, that’s typically indicative that her interest is dropping a little bit. And I would say again, that’s because he’s coming off his little knee a little clingy, trying to do too much. He’s violating principles that are in the book, probably because he doesn’t know it that much.

Or even if he does know it, he’s going against him because he’s just focused on how much he likes her, and he’s not really paying attention to the fact he should be pumping the brakes a little bit, shouldn’t be making future dates while he’s on a current date. That’s right out of the book.

Later that night she woke up at about 4:30 a.m. and said she was struggling to sleep and wondered if she should go home again blaming the night shifts.

I was like, I’d love to have you stay, but if you want to go home, I’ll walk you out. What do you want to do?

I didn’t want to force her to stay or feel uncomfortable and she eventually left.

So again, getting up in the middle of the night and leaving, that tells me she doesn’t feel comfortable.

She messaged me the next day and asked if I was mad at her for leaving.

She could tell you were upset and you were butthurt and you took it personally. These are little subtle things that you slip up here.

I responded by asking “What made her ask that?”, then she called me on her way to work.

Hey, knock it off!

I tried to organize to see her the next Saturday night, but she asked to do breakfast instead. I told her I was busy, and we’d have to do it another time. Because you say no daytime dates.

Yeah. So you notice that she’s starting to move the plans a little bit. Now she’s trying to make dates in the middle of the day. So that tells me it looks like her interest is going in the wrong direction. And I would say that’s a direct result of him violating principles with making future dates, asking her to stay over. “Hey, I’ll change my schedule around if you’re going to spend the night.” Again, these are not things you should be having conversations with or about. You shouldn’t be telling her you’re going to rearrange your schedule if she wants to stay over. This is again, all this does is communicate that you’re way more in her than she is into you. Hey, knock it off!

She asked me what I was doing, and I didn’t really have plans, so I had to say something about fixing a door at my house (such a bad excuse). Then she called me on her way home from the hospital, I ended up organizing to see her Wednesday the next week. She called me again the following night on her way home from hospital, now I was thinking, great she’s starting to reach out more. She jokingly (at least I hope so) said that we don’t know if Wednesday is happening as I might have a door to fix or something.

Yeah, so she’s just breaking your balls a little bit there and teasing you. Probably because the way you said it, she’s like, he’s making up something. He doesn’t really have things going on. He doesn’t really have to fix a door. So she could tell from your voice and the way the excuse came out that you were making it up. And that’s why she’s testing you to see if you get butthurt or you get upset about it.

I gave her a response along the lines of “Well you said you’d pick me up form work so if you don’t show up I guess I’ll be stuck at work all night”. 

So he’s kind of making a playful response. All right, knock it off.

I find myself spiraling into constantly over-thinking, replaying every situation in my head and over-analyzing against your philosophy.

Well they’re principles. And what I’m doing is I’m pointing out when you deviate from it. How it’s affecting her behavior. Because he could be telling me everything’s great, but all I got to do is look at her behavior. And as a woman, when a woman is kind of changing plans a little bit or showing up late and she never showed up before, or, you know, those are little things and then leave it in the middle of the night when you thought she was going to stay over.

Those are little things that show that she doesn’t; she wants to leave. It means her interest isn’t super high, and that’s the consequence of being a little needy and a little clingy and spending too much time talking or texting, or trying to get cute through text and make jokes, and they’re not landing that kind of thing. You know, you notice that she didn’t reply to him for like two days. That’s pretty rude. When a woman waits two full days to reply to you.

That’s not a good sign. Most of the time if a girl waits 24 hours, she’s doing it on purpose. And again, it means her interest is not that high. So I’d say more than likely she probably has other guys that she’s dating. Plus she’s a nurse and nurses are one of the top five jobs that women are in, that they cheat in. When you look at careers along with military, police, female bartenders, that kind of thing.

We are about 7-8 weeks in, and we haven’t talked about being exclusive or in a relationship and she hasn’t said that she loves me.

So that’s just because you’re clearly making mistakes that I’m pointing out. And so the more you make mistakes, that timeline gets spread out. That’s why the book is meant to be a guideline, because if you’re perfect and your game is really tight, you know the book backwards and forwards and you’re not making these little mistakes, then she should have been in love and wanting to be exclusive. But because you’ve been making mistakes and you’re a little overeager, again, you’re making dates while you’re still on a date.

In other words, you’re making a future date while your current date hasn’t even ended yet. That’s needy behavior. And she can tell that you’re way more into her than she’s into you. And that always causes women to pump the brakes. And so her interest is not as high as it would be otherwise if your game was really tight. And so this is how you learn though. You got you’re going to make mistakes. You’re not going to be perfect.

I mean, I spent a year and a half with one of my girlfriends going back and forth between dating and then being friends only and then dating again before I got enough things right to where she fell in love and wanted to be serious. So, you know, that’s kind of the extreme example. But the idea is by reading the book and really spending the time with it, you don’t make these little unnecessary mistakes like he’s doing.

Your book says that she should be doing that by now. She still isn’t reaching out that often.

Again, that’s indicative of interest, and that’s because of the neediness that you’re still displaying and little principles that you’re violating.

I feel like I’m hanging on to every word, being robotic and stuck to a script in the book rather than natural.

Again, that’s what happens when you don’t when you don’t read it enough. That’s why I say ten, ten, 15 times at least. If you go through it 2 or 3 times, you don’t know it well enough. And so you’re trying to remember stuff that’s in the book because, you know, you don’t know it that well. And when you don’t know it that well and you really like her, it’s really hard to do more things right than wrong,

I ended up texting her Saturday morning as I was thinking about the breakfast I didn’t agree to, just saying some of my plans got cancelled and it was such a nice day, I was kicking myself for not going. I don’t know what I was thinking doing this.

So in other words, he basically was going to go back on his word and say, oh, my plans got canceled. I can do breakfast after all. Again, more needy behavior.

She has basically completely ignored this, even though she previously said that I could contact her anytime, she ghosts me when I do.

Again, the phone is for setting dates, and I’m pointing out these little mistakes that you’re making. You don’t do daytime dates. She turned you down for the daytime date, and then you call her saying, hey, my plans got canceled. How about that daytime date? And then she doesn’t even bother. She doesn’t even reply. Because again, you’re giving all the power and leverage away. You’re communicating to her. You’re way more into her than she’s into you.

I have barely initiated contact at all except in the beginning, are the two times described above still too much.

Yes, it is, because she didn’t even reply to you. That shows that she’s not that into you, dude.

I mean 80% her initiating still leaves some room for me to initiate.

Well, the idea is, once she starts initiating, you shouldn’t have to initiate at all. But I pointed out you’re initiating because it’s not from, “Hey, I’d like to see this girl.” It’s. You’re worried you’re going to lose her, and so you’re contacting her too much, and she can feel that. She can tell that you’re really worried about losing her.

And that’s why she disappears and leaves you hanging and doesn’t reply. Because most guys that she’s experienced this with freak out when she does that. And so part of it is testing, part of it is you turned her off. And then after a couple of days go by. Then she finally reaches out.

I’m worried that I’m acting fearful or needy, even subconsciously.

Well, you definitely are. Which I’ve been pointing out.

And keep thinking that body language, physiology, tone of voice etc. will communicate how you subconsciously feel. What can I do to improve the situation? How can I stop over analyzing everything?

Well the Consciousness Exercises will help. And sticking to the book will help. And reading it constantly will help. Because you don’t know it well enough. You’re making mistakes and even, you know, you’re like you said when you called there on that Saturday after turning her down for the lunch date or the breakfast date, you know, you’re making a mistake. And she didn’t even bother replying to you. It just looks like you’re desperate to see her. And that’s why she didn’t reply. Probably because she was expecting you to get upset about it. Just like she saw that you got upset when she went home early and that bothered you. Masculinity is calm and you’re not being calm about those things.

It’s causing me immense anxiety as I can’t stop thinking about everything.

Well, that’s why reading the book would help. Until you can, you know the book so well, you could teach a class on it. You need to keep reading because you don’t have a strong enough grasp yet. I can just tell from your email.

Additional Context.

I’ve really struggled with sex, I haven’t performed well and that makes me anxious or self-conscious that it will ruin any relationship that I have or try to start.

Well, there’s an Article on “How Men Can Have Multiple Orgasms” that I wrote about, and I suggest you practice that technique because that will be helpful.

I have sought out professional help and a doctor has prescribed an antidepressant drug.

It’s like I’m feeling really anxious about my girl. I have performance anxiety. Hey, here’s some antidepressant pills. Okay? Now get the fuck out of my office. It’s like maybe you should consider going to a different doctor.

I told her about this, and she said she didn’t think it was a big deal and thought that it wasn’t worth me taking the antidepressant. She is a medical Doctor.

It’s like, yeah, you know, you’re worried about performance anxiety. And the doctor says, hey, how about I antidepressant? It’s like, what the fuck? Doctor’s are so fucking lazy. It’s like they stop learning once they graduate medical school. Hey, here’s a pill.

She told me she is on the same medication and that she struggles to get off sexually because of it, she doesn’t think it’s worth me taking it.

Again now you’re sharing things with her that make you look insecure or like you’re struggling with things. Again, I understand that she’s a doctor, but you’re trying to present a good image that you’re a man with your shit together. Instead, you’re doing things and you’re saying things that make you look like you’re having a hard time handle being with her. In other words, she’s like your Kryptonite.

I feel like this is contributing to all my fears and that she hasn’t bonded with me because the sex isn’t good enough.

Well, that’s a factor. The fact that you’re talking about it and telling her that you’re all worried about it and you’re going to a doctor to see about it is, you know, again, that’s not something you should be sharing with her. It’s not making you look confident and masculine. And again, remember, she’s not even responding for two days. She’s leaving you hanging.

I don’t know if there is any truth to that or if I have just started acting unattractive, or if the antidepressant is lowering her emotional response and it just takes more time with her.

Really appreciate any advice or guidance from you.

Bob

Well, like I said, you’re making little mistakes here and there. They’re not so egregious that, you know, she’s ghosted you completely. But it’s not a good sign when a girl doesn’t respond for two days and you’ve been dating 7 or 8 weeks, you know, that means her interest is low. And if I were you, I would keep dating other women, keep meeting and dating other women because that would help. Because your anxiety really started to take off when you blew off the other girls and decided you wanted to make her your girlfriend, and then you started making mistakes.

So reading the book, doing the Consciousness Exercise, and going back to dating other women would help, because you can’t overlay the 7 to 8 week time frame. Because that’s already past. Because I pointed out that you’ve made a bunch of mistakes that have actually caused her interest to drop somewhat. So it may take another month or so to get her back to the same level. So that’s why reading the book and knowing it backwards and forwards are really help. And if you had some other women that you were dating instead of putting all your eggs in one basket.

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