Did I Lose Her Forever? Was She Ever Really Mine?

How to know if you have lost her forever and if she was ever really yours to lose anyway.

In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who started dating a woman he met online 5 months ago. Two months in, she told him she loved him. After that, he became more heavily invested in the relationship than her and the power flipped.

Now that she is moving away for school, she let slip how she really felt about him, and they broke up. He asks if he has lost her forever. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Viewer’s Email:

Hi Coach,

Five months ago, I met a girl through a dating app. The first date was amazing. We went to a couple of different places and ended up making out in her car. The next time we met, the date was even better, and we hooked up.

Most women sleep with the guy by the second or third date.

She clearly enjoyed spending time with me because she was initiating most of the contact and she wanted to hang out every weekend, even paying for some of the dates. The only downsides to this relationship: she lives an hour away, and she’s moving even further for university in September, (2 hours away).

Well, it sounds like that relationship’s going to get better with time.

After two months of fun dates, she told me “I love you” for the first time, and since I did love her too, I reciprocated.

There’s nothing wrong with reciprocating, but what happens next shouldn’t be happening. That’s why I say read the book 10 to 15 times. You’ve got to learn the information backwards and forwards. If you just learn it while you’re hooking up and getting laid, and then you toss it aside, then you end up like this guy. You’ve got to learn pickup skills, dating skills and relationship skills. That’s something that the red pill community is incapable of. I love throwing out comments on the red pill community. There’s always several dudes that get really butt hurt and really upset.

Sadly, I believe that this is the turning point of this story. After that moment, I invested myself even more in the relationship.

Now, there’s nothing wrong with investing yourself more, but you’ve got to notice what the other person is doing, and he didn’t. He became dopey and he thought, “She’s in love with me. I’ve hit the promised land. My work is done here. Now, no matter what I do, she’ll stay with me forever.” That’s not how it works.

I started showering her with compliments, saying things like “I am crazy about you”…

Oh, you sounded like a girl. You sounded like a chick.

…and “you are the most beautiful woman in the world.”

“You are the most beautiful woman in the whole history of the worldwide worlds!” I’m exaggerating a little, but you could tell he went off the deep end. Women don’t like it if they think that you are way more into them than they are into you. Especially if you’re the only one going, “I’m crazy about you!” and she’s like, “Yeah, you’re really nice.”

I also noticed some of the old habits creeping back in like over initiating contact or not mirroring her investment in the relationship.

You can ignore reality, but you can’t ignore the consequences of ignoring reality. You always want to rate her interest in you. That’s another thing the red pill guys don’t know how to do. They can’t tell when a woman’s really into them or not. They just chalk it up to, “Oh, it’s women’s true nature. I know their true nature, Corey. They’re all like this. They’re all terrible. Pump and dump, Corey.”

At first, I thought that she was holding back, but now I believe that she was simply losing attraction.

Yeah, he saw reality as way better than it was, and he ignored what was really going on. Bad, bad, bad way to go. He projected his fantasy and then ignored the fact she was slowly reciprocating less and less.

Move forward to a couple of weeks ago, she started getting very anxious and stressed.

Probably because you were smothering her. Instead of being the charming, playful, mysterious man you were, it’s like, as soon as she said, ‘I love you,’ you just totally came unglued and lost your shit, man.

She always had a hard time managing her stress levels…

That’s what it really is.

…and her departure to the new town was approaching. She was worried about finding a job there to pay her rent, about getting away from her family and friends but she was especially worried about our relationship.

Yeah, because she knew she was going to ditch you when she moved away. Because she wasn’t feeling it, and you were ignoring that. So, what happens is, for two months this guy acts like a worthy teammate. And then as soon as she says, “I’m in love,” then he goes right back to his old ways, which he admits. And he recognized that he was doing it, but he did it anyway. He didn’t exercise any self-control.

And so, he started displaying all of the unattractive parts of his personality and slowly turning her off. He, in essence, changed into somebody else. She’s like, “You changed.” She didn’t say that, but she probably would. “You’re so different now than the way you were at first. I can’t put my finger on it.”

At first, she expected a summer fling, but we both got attached.

Well, you got attached.

And this messes up her plans.

Women don’t move away and go away to school from men they’re in love with. They just don’t break up with a guy that they’re head over heels in love with and want to have babies with. They move away from a guy they’ve lost interest in and are glad to be able to use going away to school as an excuse to go, “Hit the road, Jack. And don’t you come back no more, no more, no more.” I know it’s harsh, but I’m a savage coach. I’m not here to blow sunshine up your ass. Enough people in your life are probably doing that already.

She wanted to go to university and be free to manage her time…

Without him, obviously.

…however she wants without having to worry about family, friends or a boyfriend. I was standing in the way of all of this.

Yeah, because you went from being the stud in her life to basically another chick, an insecure little girl.

We talked a lot, and I found solutions to her problems.

You are not listening. Women want to feel heard and understood. You don’t solve her problems unless she wants you to or she asks for your advice. So, what was really going on was he’s giving her advice to solve her problems so she would stick around.

I told her that driving two hours on weekends is not a problem for me, and that with my new job I could even work remotely 3 days a week.

“So, you’d get me an extra three days a week, honey, and I can come stay with you.” She’s going, “Oh, shit. He’s smothering me.”

She kept finding problems to my solutions.

You weren’t communicating effectively, because you didn’t learn the relationship skills. You only focused on pickup and some of the dating skills. And once you got your whistle wet, and your willy, the book went out the window. You’re like, “I don’t need to listen to that fucking shaved headed, dude. What’s he know?” He might not always be right, but he’s never wrong.

After having a lengthy conversation and trying to convince her to at least try before giving up, she told me something that woke me up.

He’s like, “Oh, please give me a chance.” This goes from, “Oh, I’m in love with you” to “Please, please stick around. Please don’t just toss us aside.” You have no leverage if you’re trying to convince her to stay with you, dude. So, that tells me she was giving up. She was so distraught over what to do when she moves away that she broke it off with him. So, here it is. Here’s the big shit burger…

She said that if she was in my shoes, she wouldn’t be willing to make all that effort for me.

Boom! She finally says something that gets through his thick skull to where he can go, “Wait a minute.” All those things he’s been ignoring, they were actually true. She just wasn’t feeling it, because you chased her right out of your life.

I finally understood that I loved her more than she loved me.

This is why I say read the book 10 to 15 times. I’m sad for you, dude, but you didn’t listen to instructions. What can I do? People give me shit all day, “Corey, stop telling people to read the book 10 to 15 times.” My response is usually like, it doesn’t matter. They don’t fucking listen anyway.

We broke up and have not talked since then. Is there any way I can get this woman back, or did I completely mess it up?

You’re still in the wrong mindset, “How can I get another chance with her? I need her attention and validation.” This is not masculine at all. You’re in the wrong mindset, dude. You need to read the book 10 to 15 times and actually follow what it teaches, not follow what it teaches until she falls in love and then revert right back to being a beta male who puts her on a pedestal, and kisses her ass, and chases her out of your life. It’s like, come on, dude. Something needed to wake you up.

Will she come to her senses when things settle down in her new town? I know that stress and anxiety clouded her judgement.

Thank you.

Bob

Yeah, that’s the bullshit lie you’re telling herself. It’s like, no, your needy, insecure, jackass routine disgusted her, because you went from acting like a man, the man, a nice man of mystery, to a butler, a soy boy beta male, a pleaser. And a guy who didn’t listen and didn’t make her feel heard and understood, because you never bothered to learn any of the relationship skills that were in the book, because you felt you didn’t need it.

I know it stings and it’s not nice to hear me say these things, but somebody needs to shake you the fuck up, dude, because this will keep happening. Every time you get into a relationship with a girl and you revert back to your old behavior, because you didn’t take the time to learn the material, this is what’s going to happen. It sucks, but the only thing you can do now is you’ve got to have the attitude of, “Hey, I dare her to find somebody better. Now that she’s off at university, she’s out of my hair. Now that I got burned, I’m actually going to follow the instructions from “3% Man” and learn it. And maybe I’ll date one of her hot friends that stayed behind. See how she likes them apples.

I would never call or text her again for any reason. Don’t go driving two hours to see her. She’s got to earn another chance with you, dude, not the other way around. You should be following what’s in “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back.” That means, if she reaches out to you, calls you, say, “Hey, come visit me.” If she’s like, “Oh, let’s meet halfway,” you’re like, “No, you broke it off with me. I was willing to drive two hours if we were together, and you broke it off. So, if you want another chance with me, come see me. Come stay the weekend. We’ll make some dinner together. We’ll hang out.”

But, like I said, that’s the position you’re in. Don’t go meet her. Don’t go pick her up. She has to come to your place three times in a row. And as long as you hang out, have fun and hook up, then maybe you can go meet her out or pick her up or do that. But you’ve got to follow what’s in “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back,” and you’ve got to actually follow what’s in the book, so this does not happen again.

This is as predictable as the sun coming up in the East and setting in the West. I could set my watch to it. This is so obvious that this is going to happen. But people don’t listen. It’s like, not my fault. It sucks for you, but hey, pain is life’s change agent. The fact that you’re experiencing all of this pain and rejection right now, hopefully you remember that. Because next time around, you’ll be like, “I remember Corey roasted my ass and he was spot on.” And the reality is, going through the email, he knew he was doing it all along, but he just kept bullshitting himself like, “No, no, it’s not that bad. It’s not that bad. Oh shit, she dumped me. I guess it is that bad. Corey was right again.”

But the good news is, to help you with your grief therapy, “Quotes, Ruminations & Contemplations – Volume II” is out. It’s available in audio and everywhere else. I know I roasted this guy pretty hard, but quite frankly, he deserved it. It’s like, come on, dude. Seriously, this was so avoidable and so preventable. And I want you to use this pain to say, “That’s it. I’m never going to do this shit again. I’m actually going to take this stuff seriously. I’m going to listen to what Corey says. And even though the things he teaches about pickup and dating and seduction are magic, they are not everything you need to know.” You need to understand the relationship stuff if you want to maintain it and keep her attracted and in love. Unlike the people in the red pill community, who just say it’s all women’s fault.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.