Did I Walk Away Too Soon?

How to know if you walked away too soon or if you made the right decision.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who says he read 3% Man 14 times. However, he was constantly FaceTiming a girl he met and chatting digitally, but not seeing her in person very often. He heard from a mutual friend she was getting friendship vibes so he dipped. He wonders if he walked away too soon or if he made the right decision.

My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Well, this guy was dating a girl who, quite frankly, had a lot of problems and she was a bit of a screwball, so I wouldn’t have handled things the way he did. Because as a coach, I’m looking at like, “What is his behavior? Is he following what’s in the book?” And if he’s not, if he’s deviating from it, how is his deviation from what’s in the book causing the problems that he’s having? Because at the end of the day, he made the right decision by walking away from this particular girl, but he caused her to feel friendship and platonic vibes for him. So say the next girl he meets, she’s got it together. She comes from a good family. She’s normal, she’s healthy, and he starts behaving the same way. He’s going to talk and text that girl out of liking him for the same reason, and he’s going to get friend zoned. And that will probably sting more than this one does. But he’s already kind of starting to second guess himself.

This is what happens when you don’t have a lot of choices and a lot of options. You’ll put up with things that you really shouldn’t put up with. But when you know there’s another bus every 15 minutes and you’re really doing well with the book and you got a good social life and you’re just constantly meeting new people, meeting new girls, it’s not a big deal because you need to hold out for what you want, because it’s not your job to be somebody’s therapist or to fix them. And you want somebody that if they got problems, they’ve handled them. They’ve gone through the fire, so to speak. They’ve done their therapy or whatever they need to do in order to fix themselves, because you’re looking for somebody that’s happy, whole and complete, and you can share your completeness together, not somebody that’s basically another child you got to take care of. You’re looking for an adult, a competent adult at that.

Viewer Email:

Hi Corey,

I’ve listened to the book 14 times and wanted your take on a weird situation where I’m wondering if I walked away too quickly, or if I did it wrong.

Well, you walked away and you should have, but you definitely did things wrong. So if you’ve listened to my book 14 times and you’ve been out on one or two dates with a girl and you’re talking and texting and FaceTiming for hours a day, she’s going to know everything about you. There’s no mystery. That’s fine once she’s head over heels in love with you and you’re in a relationship because girls are going to call you and want to drone on forever. And so if a girl starts doing this at the beginning and she’s calling you and texting you a lot and wanting to drone on, just arrange a get together. “Hey, well I can’t really chat right now, but I definitely want to hear all about it. Let’s get together tonight or let’s get together tomorrow. When are you available next? Let’s go to dinner. Let’s catch up. Let’s go have a glass of wine” or whatever it happens to be, “And you tell me all about it. Come over. Let’s make dinner together sometime this week or tonight,” whatever it happens to be. But when you do this before she’s emotionally bonded to you, she gets bored because you give her all this attention and all his time, and you basically talk and text her out of liking you.

Again, this is in the book, the more you talk on the phone and FaceTime when you barely know somebody, you’re going to notice that you’re not really getting together too much in person. And when you do, the vibe is kind of off because there’s nothing mysterious. She doesn’t have anything new to discover about you because you told her everything on the phone already. So even though this guy’s been through the book a lot, he’s not following it. So that’s what’s important for me as a coach is to correct that behavior. Because if he doesn’t, he’s going to have problems with the next girl. And if the next girl’s not a screwball like this one was, and he gets a little further down the road and then he gets, “There’s no chemistry. There’s no spark. I just think of you as a friend,” and then he’s hooked emotionally at that point because she’s a really cool together girl from a good family. It’s like, that’s going to hurt like hell. That’s not an easy thing to recover from.

So mentally, it’s like you get hit mentally and it’s hard to get over it. You know, like Tom Brady talked about that when he was playing you have a bad loss. It’s like you got to get yourself right emotionally. You got to get out of that previous moment. In other words, you got to get out of the past. You got to get out of what was and focus on what you need to do now, which is the controllables. So that’s what I’m focusing on here with him is I want him to control the controllables, which is his behavior, because this is something that’s going to cause a lot of problems for him. If he doesn’t fix it now, he’ll have the same problems with the next girl.

I went on two fun initial dates with a girl who was reserved physically because of a situation in her past.

Well, at the end of the day, you’re looking for somebody that’s normal, happy, healthy, who’s excited to see you, who’s excited to be around you, when you go for the kiss, she kisses you back. If you get the cheek or you get a bunch of excuses or “I don’t do PDA. I got to go out on five dates before I kiss a guy.” That’s a structured woman. We don’t mess with those. There’s a lot of reasons. There’s a lot of videos that I’ve discussed that, and we don’t want to mess with a structured woman. So already he’s kind of making excuses for the girl who’s not really behaving normally. It’s not your fault what happened in her past. It’s not fair for a woman to take what happened or pass and dump it on you and basically treat you the same way, or as if you were also involved in whatever was negative. That happened in the past.

I made some comments that came off wrong and I sincerely apologized on a call so she gave me another chance.

So whatever he said, she’s ready to kick him to the curb. Again, in the beginning stages here, the phones are for setting dates and you’ve been through the book 14 times, yet you’re chit-chatting on the phone and acting like the gay male girlfriend. This is how you become her emotional tampon and her therapist, who she never loves talking to, but she never can find time in her schedule to be with you in person. And then if you’re dealing with a screwball girl, you can become part of her Frankenstein boyfriend project. You’re the guy she always wants to call and drone on about her problems, but she’s too busy to get together in person. And then when you go to kiss her, she’s like, “Oh, I’m not ready. But you’re a great guy.” Meanwhile, she’s sleeping with some dude that doesn’t give a damn about her because he acts like a man and he doesn’t care. And then she might have another guy, a Harry Honda in the picture, that’s also a good handyman, he fixes things for her at her house, or he puts up her bookshelves, whatever happens to be, and she gives him a hug and a kiss and a cheek. She tells him what a great guy he is. And then when he asks her out, she says, “I’m not ready yet.” Meanwhile, she’s got Chad Thundercock coming over to rearrange her insides later that night.

I was away for three weeks and she was pretty high interest, Flirting over text and FaceTiming me for hours.

Again, if you’re going to go away and you’re traveling, you just met a girl and you had two dates, then maybe once a week because again, you’re traveling. So if you’re traveling, common sense would say you’re probably pretty busy. You’re on a bus, you’re in a car, it’s loud. There’s things going on. You don’t really have time to just sit there for a three hour FaceTime. So you plan a date, you plan a digital date where you can FaceTime, but you’re having wine or coffee or tea and you’re eating dinner together and it’s like a date and do one of those because when you’re just FaceTiming for hours, she gets to know everything about you. And then she’s not excited about seeing you because she’s already bored now and then she’s going to go out on a date and sleep with the guy who she doesn’t know anything about, who’s very mysterious and hard to get a hold of, and he doesn’t have time to chat on the phone for hours because he’s busy. He’s a busy professional. He’s in and out of meetings. He’s a mover and shaker, that kind of thing.

When we finally had our third date at her apartment, it went well and we cuddled and kissed a bunch.

So again, did she invite you over for dinner or was that you were just going over there hoping to progress things physically? Because you should have gone out and done something. And then ideally ended up back at her place. Or even better, your place because it sounds like they’re young. So I assume probably each of them got roommates or whatever.

She asked me what my intentions were and wanted to know that I wasn’t just looking for hookups…

Well, when a girl says that, “What are your intentions?” “I want what everybody wants. I want to meet the right person, fall happily head over heels in love, live happily ever after with the white picket fence and all that kind of stuff. That’d be nice. But at least I’m here talking to you and you’re kind of cute and your lips look a little dry, so let me moisten them up for you.”

…To which I said I’d be open to dating eventually. She would turn away after a few seconds when I would try to make out, so I didn’t escalate further. 

Well, you shouldn’t look at it as a delay other than a denial. But at the end of the day, you’re getting rejected physically and you think about all the time you spend on the phone talking to her, and you would think she’s happy to see you in person, and you’re going to give her a little kissy-poo. And after all those weeks away, it’s like she doesn’t want anything to do with it. That’s not good. And I suspect maybe he tried on the other dates or maybe he got rejected. If you’re getting rejected and she’s turning the cheek, that’s it. You walk away, you never look back, you never call or you never text her.

Even if she reaches out to you, you don’t even invite her out for a date. She would have to invite you for a date. If you go out and a girl gives you the cheek, and then she starts calling and texting you after that, I would not bring up getting together on a date or going on a date unless she suggested it first. And if she’s texting you, you’ll send three or four texts back and forth and you’ll say, “Hey, I got to run. I’ll talk to you later.” If she calls you, or in this case, FaceTimes you and you barely know her, talk for three or four minutes, say, “Hey, it was really awesome hearing from you, but I gotta run. I’ll talk to you later,” and one of two things will happen: She’ll bring up getting together or she’ll stop contacting you. So that’s a big no no.

Again, somebody that read the book 14 times should know better than to spend hours droning on in FaceTime. Again, it’s fine if you’re in a relationship for six months, whatever happens to be, a year, and that’s your girlfriend and you go away and she’s gonna FaceTime you and want to drone on like she does when you’re in town. That’s just what all girls do. But in the beginning, you’ll get stuck in friend-zone when you do that and you’ll get like, this guy’s on the third date and he’s like, “Man, I’ve been away all these weeks. She’s probably gonna be excited to see me. I’m definitely excited to see her. Maybe we’ll hook up this time.” And then she just turns her head.

She texted me after I left in the morning and I told her I had a great time. 

Really? You had a great time when you got her cheek?

Two days later she called me feeling down about her life.

So now there’s the pattern. When she needs her therapist, she calls him.

She also mentioned our kiss feeling weird.

Well, it wasn’t really a kiss because it sounds like you got her cheek.

Two days later we hung out, and it was a complete 180. She was miserable, stiff, closed off, and curved/gave me the cheek every time. 

Well again, you’re trying to date a girl that gave you the cheek. The book tells you not to do this, but you’re doing it anyways. You’re not really following it. It’s like you’re doing what you want to do and what you feel is right to do, but it’s not what the book teaches. The book is designed to help you avoid this stuff, but if you don’t want to listen, well you can try to reinvent the wheel, but you’ll still find out reality’s reality.

She would walk in front of me, barely talk, and made comments that felt inconsiderate. 

Yet he’s so excited to spend time with her. She’s supposed to make your dick hard, not your life.

She at one point cried about her life. Instead of ending it early, I stayed till 4 a.m. because I felt bad and didn’t want to seem careless. 

Again, you shouldn’t be hanging out with a girl that’s constantly giving you the cheek. She’d call it a night and say, “Well, I’m going to go” if you’d met out. Otherwise you’ll take her home. “Hey, I’m feeling kind of tired. I think I’m gonna take you back home. Call it a night.”

I called her the next day asking about some stuff I didn’t like…

So again, he’s pursuing a girl and rewarding her bad behavior with more of his attention. So he’s inviting more bad behavior. No one will ever do or say anything to you that you don’t invite them to do. And when somebody go treats you like that on a date, you don’t call her the next day to lecture her or anything. You just go, “I’m not going to hang out with that girl again. She’s no fun. I got the cheek. The only way she’ll get my time in the future is if she asks for it.” Because you’ve been out enough times. You’ve been over to her house, you stayed the night. I would only invite her to my place to make dinner. That would be the only date I would be willing to give this chick. And if she comes over three dates in a row and you hang out and have fun and hook up, then you can meet her out and pick her up. But again, I would not take this girl out unless she talks about seeing you or wanting to get together and don’t speak or FaceTime more than three or four minutes. Tell her you got a meeting you’re stepping into or you got to go, or you’re about to, hang out with your mom or whatever it happens to be. Go do something other than give her your attention because you’re rewarding this woman with your attention when she sucks on dates. This is how you friend-zone yourself. But he got used to being her emotional tampon at this point.

…And asked her where that came from. She said she was a bitch last night and apologized.

Well, that is good that she did apologize.

I asked her when I could see her again, and she said she’s really jammed for a couple weeks. 

Ha! That’s what happens.

“I asked her when I could see her again.” It’s like, “We should get together for a drink. Hey, we should get together, make dinner.” But again, he’s doing all the pursuing. He’s not even remotely following what’s in the book. So his behavior and his game is like, kind of nonexistent. So this girl may have been into him, but because he kept over pursuing and acting like another chick, she basically treats him like a chick.

Two days later she texted me. I kept things kind of dry and the energy wasn’t like before. We FaceTimed a couple days later where she said she had some reservations, and felt she may be stringing me along, but I brushed it off.

So when she says she feels like she’s stringing you along, what that means is she knows you’re way more into her than she’s into you, and she thinks you’re a nice guy, but she doesn’t want to have sex with you again. That’s why she kept turning her head away. But it’s like you’re living in one reality and she’s living in reality. You’re living in a reality that doesn’t exist, and your reality, she likes you and wants you, but you’re you completely ignore the fact it’s going nowhere and you’re not following the book, so you just keep making it worse for yourself.

She also told me I don’t reach out enough (despite us texting daily and calling often). The next day I heard from an acquaintance she told that she’s just getting friends vibes. I could feel myself slowly getting forced into the pen pal bucket…

You’ve already been there since the get go. As soon as you started violating the principles, when you started talking to her and FaceTiming all the time, it’s like that’s completely deviating from the book. Phone is for setting dates, especially in the beginning.

…So the next day I texted her that I had a change of heart and get the vibe she’s not really feeling me anymore, so I figured it’s best I give her space.

Again, I wouldn’t talk like that. I wouldn’t have done anything. I wouldn’t have called. I wouldn’t have texted. As soon as you get the cheek, that’s like, boop. You pump the brakes and you don’t ever invite her out to do anything unless she brings it up first. And from that point forward, you should be treating her like 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back says, where you’re not going to go out, you’re not going to meet her out. You’re not doing group dates. You’re not picking her up. She has to come to your place to make dinner if she wants you to do something other than that, just say, “It’s been a long week. Give me a call in a couple of weeks, and maybe I’ll be up for meeting you out then. I just want to hang tonight and chill. If you don’t want to do that, then again, hit me up in a few weeks.” But the fact she’s like, “Well, I’m going to be busy for the next few weeks,” but of course, she’s going to probably be wanting to call and text him all the time and make his blue balls even bigger.

She said no hard feelings and sees how it’s coming off that way. She doubled down on the conflicting feelings and said she was going through life struggles. I said I didn’t want to ignore her but wasn’t comfortable with daily contact while she had mixed feelings, but that if over time she wanted to see me again, I’d be happy to catch up. She never responded, and it’s been three weeks. 

Did I jump the gun on telling her I’d give her space?

Bro, you’re not even remotely following what the book teaches.

I felt trapped with her wanting me to reach out more, but not seeming eager to go on another date.

Again, the phones are for setting dates, and you started violating that principle, and you taught her in the beginning that you’re always available to FaceTime. You acted like one of her girlfriends or a gay male girlfriend. So that’s why she treated you that way and didn’t want to see you. But she sure liked talking to you. But now she’s out because. And you haven’t heard from her in three weeks, so I’d put a fork in it.

Should I have done it quietly?

Yeah, I would have just disappeared.

Since I initiated the ending, is there room for me to reach back out?

Bob

Come on, dude. Have some self-respect. Number one, the girl seems like a fruit loop. Number two, it doesn’t look like she’s interested anyways, so she’s gotta make the effort. If she does reach out, I’d invite her over to make dinner. And if she tries to get you to do something other than that, just tell her you’ve been really busy. It’s been a long week. You just really want to have a nice, quiet evening at your place. If she’s not down for that, then tell her to reach out in two to three weeks and maybe you’ll be up for meeting her. Then, “I gotta run. I’ll talk to you later,” and that’s it.

So she’s gotta come to your place three days in a row. As long as you hang out and have fun and hook up, great. If she comes over and gives you the cheek, I wouldn’t even ask her out after that. Again, the only way she’d make another date with this girl is if she brings up seeing you. Even if she contacts you. Talk for three or four minutes or FaceTime for three or four minutes and say, “Hey, it’s nice hearing from you, I gotta run. I’ll talk to you later.” And she’s texting you. Same thing, three or four text replies and go, “Hey, I gotta run. I’ll talk to you later.” And then you leave it at that. The book is only going to help you if you actually follow it, dude. And the fact you went through it 14 times and you were completely clueless that you’re not following it is surprising, but definitely sounds like you need some more repetitions. You need more girls to practice. It needs more leads. So figure that out.

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