How to spot difficult and toxic women when you first start dating, so you can attract good quality women who are good for your life and easy to be with.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a guy who has listened to my audiobook, How To Be A 3% Man, twice so far. He writes in asking me to help him recover and re-attract a woman he falsely believes is the woman of his dreams. Even though he is making several mistakes that would turn any woman off, he is overlooking some manipulative and toxic behavior she has been exhibiting that should cause him to reject and disqualify her as a potential girlfriend.
It’s a great example of how easily and quickly a guy mistakenly believes he has found his dream woman, when in reality she is simply a low-quality prospect he should reject, despite her attractiveness and sex appeal. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
I read your book 3 times and listened to your audiobook 2 times. I am still working on it.
So you’re about five times in, but keep in mind, you probably haven’t applied what you’ve learned with a lot of women yet. This is the first one. Keep working on it. Read the book 10-15 times and learn the fundamentals, because it teaches you a new way to think. It teaches you a new mindset, a way to look at things. What’s great about applying what’s in the book is it brings out the best in the best right away, and it brings out the worst in the worst right away, so you can get rid of them. You just missed the signs with this woman. She’s not really a great prospect.
I met this girl on Bumble. We dated 5 times in a month. She had a really high level of attraction until our last date 2.5 weeks ago. We slept together on the 2nd date.
As I talk about in my book, the average woman is going to sleep with you by the second or third date. That’s provided you’re following everything in the book, and she’s really into you. If you want it to be easy and effortless, you want a woman who’s like, “I’d love to go out with you. That would be great! Let’s definitely get together.” When you get a woman who says, “Things are really crazy in my life right now,” what she’s really saying is, “I don’t want to go out with you.” Why would you want to spend time with somebody like that?
We exchanged texts 3-4 times the day following our last date. During this date, she first said that she was going to share something with me and be vulnerable: She can very easily let go of people in her life.
What do you think that means? That’s a subtle threat. “If you don’t act the way I expect you to act, you’re out of here.” She’s probably really hot and has lots of dudes in her life, and she’s basically saying, “You better get in line.” But remember, no drama allowed.
A little later, she said that she understood that I was busy, but that she wasn’t happy seeing each other only once a week and not hearing from me in between.
If she’s getting upset about that and asking about it multiple times, then maybe once a week you text her out of the blue, you send her an email, you call her unexpectedly to say, “Hey, I just wanted to let you know I was thinking about you and I can’t wait to see you Friday night.” As the weeks go by, especially after you start sleeping together, most happy, healthy, flexible women that have good relationships with their mom and dad, they’re going to have an easygoing and flexible attitude. They’re happy. They don’t take shit personally. They smile and they joke around a lot. They don’t take themselves or life too seriously, and they don’t get butt-hurt over every little joke or perceived slight.
Women who don’t have a good relationships with their father, or their father wasn’t involved with their life and there’s no grandfather or uncle, no male influence where they can learn healthy interaction with men, they’re not going to trust men. Therefore, she’s going to presuppose you’re going to do something to fuck her over. Or you’re eventually going to fuck her over because you’re “just like all the other guys.” When you hear women say all guys are the same, all men have pea-brains, when you hear shit like that, the hairs on the back of your neck should be standing up. You’ve got to pay attention to these things. Just because she’s hot and good in bed doesn’t mean she’s a good girlfriend.
To which I replied, I was just busy and that I will start making an effort to reach out to her more.
When she brings that up, say “Well, let’s get together. I’ll make it up to you.” And then you set a date on the spot. What she’s basically communicating is she’d like to see you more, but she goes about it in a mean-spirited, manipulative way.
She texted me 2 days later just talking about a video, and I tried setting up a date. She offered Sunday or Monday. I told her to bring a bottle of wine and come to my place, so we can cook dinner on Sunday. She refused and said it was my turn to go to her side of town.
The idea is, if she has a better idea or something more fun to do or exciting, awesome. I like women that actually suggest fun things to do. That’s really cool. But she just says, “No, I want you to come here.” Does that sound like a flexible woman to you? Does that sound like somebody that’s easy to get along with and is just happy to spend time with you? Or does that sound like a chick who is already fucking pissed off at you and is trying to punish you passive-aggressively?
I thought it was a test, so I replied in a ”funny” way, saying that all she has to do is bring her sexy self to my place at 19:00 so we can cook dinner and have a nice time.
Remember, you want somebody with a good attitude who is going to joke and laugh and she’ll come over anyway.
She negatively responded and said, “We might have to cancel overall.”
Do you think she had a good relationship with her dad? You think she loves her dad, knows how to talk to men, trust men? She sounds like a chick that’s kind of jaded and pissed off at men to me. And she’s going to put you in your place.
To which I replied that if she can’t make it, we will have to make it some other time. To which she replied, let’s just make it some other time.
She used to text me at least once every 2 days, but 5 days had gone by and I hadn’t heard from her, so I called her trying to set up a date.
Remember, the whole purpose is to bring out the best in the best right away and the worst in the worst. So you’re a few weeks in, you’re already sleeping together, and now she’s just cancelling dates to say “Alright fucker, you won’t do what I want? Up yours. You don’t get any pussy this week.” This is difficult, inflexible, passive-aggressive, fuck off behavior.
When you tell a woman something, you’ve got to stick to it. You roughed up her ego, and she punished you by not letting you see her. And the reality is you were going to give her the greatest gift you can give anybody, which is the gift of your time by spending time with her. And she’s like “Fuck off. You can’t see me then.” If this was me and she pulled that crap, I would have never called her again. You want to date a woman who’s flexible. Flexibility is also submissiveness. She doesn’t sound very flexible or submissive.
You’re not really following the book. You’re not in an abundance mentality, because you’re thirsty and really like this girl. You just completely ignored what should have been a major red flag and potentially totally disqualifying behavior. She’s too difficult, she’s fussy, and she cancelled the date.
She replied she was busy and would get back to me, but her voice seemed sad, so I called her back in the evening asking her if everything is alright.
Never call a woman and ask her if everything is okay. That communicates you’re a fucking beta male, you don’t understand women, and you have no idea what’s going on. This is what she learned in her family, “Alright motherfucker, you’re going to get it.” Imagine being married to a woman like this and having kids, and you didn’t take the garbage out when you were supposed to or you didn’t get the tires replaced on her car a few weeks before. You ain’t getting no pussy for months.
She replied she just had an MRI and some medical tests, that’s all. I called her the following day to see if everything was alright, to which she said yes. I then told her to get in touch when her schedule is open, because I would like to take her out, and she said she would.
You’ve got to give women the opportunity to do what they say they’re going to do, because you want to see if she’s choosing you. Is she making an effort to get together? Is she easy to get together with? Or is she a fucking pain in the ass? And so far, all I see is her being a pain in the ass and punishing you because you roughed up her fucking ego.
I called her 4 days later to ask her out, but she said she’ll call me back.
You just told her for the second time, when her schedule’s open to get in touch. And you weren’t congruent with that, so now you’re displaying more beta male behavior.
She called me back the next day, but her voice sounded angry. I asked her out, and she said she was free on Thursday, but I said I had a big presentation on Friday, so it would be better if we went out Friday, Saturday or Sunday evening, so I can focus on her. She agreed to Sunday evening.
Sunday afternoon, she sent me this message: “Hey! I hope you’ve been having a great weekend. I wanted to reach out to let you know what has been on my mind. I have been enjoying getting to know you, but I don’t feel right about continuing moving forward. I’m going to follow my thoughts and cancel today’s plans. I appreciate the effort and the time we have spent together. I wish you all the best! :)”
Your problem was, you were never congruent with your words, you started acting like a fucking beta male and over-pursuing, and then she was basically blowing you off and making you feel like it was all your fault. And the reality is, she had a fucking shit attitude.
I called her asking her what’s going on, what was on her mind, and again she said that she felt we were not moving forward, there’s no friendship and romanticism, we only see each other during the evenings and go for dinner then hang out at my place, and we do the same dates always.
I talk about that in my book How To Be A 3% Man. You should be doing different things. You want to be mysterious and unpredictable. But notice how she’s trying to blame it all on you, like it’s all your fault. You did all the fucking up and she’s just the most perfect, awesome woman in the world. You just totally screwed it up with her. That’s just narcissistic behavior. You’ve tried on several occasions to make dates with her, and she’s cancelled twice and blown you off like dirt. Then she’s gaslighting your ass.
She feels like I don’t feel the need to get in touch.
See how dishonest that is. You’ve called her three or four times, and she hasn’t reached out to you at all. You’re doing all the pursuing at this point, and yet she says you’re not getting in touch enough. She’s totally gaslighting your ass. Fuck her dude.
I said that based on my previous relationships, I started giving more space in my relationships.
Now you’re going into logic and reason.
That she was the first girl that actually wants the opposite, and that I would be willing to work on our relationship.
Dude, you went on five dates. You don’t have a relationship. Part of the problem is, you don’t know the material and you don’t have any other women in your life that you’re practicing on.
I said I appreciate her sharing her thoughts and making things more clear. We agreed to talk again during the week.
What should I do or say? I really like this girl, and I admit I haven’t been 100% myself, and tried to sometimes act more busy than I am.
Dude, you shouldn’t do anything. She has to earn you as well bro, and she ain’t doing shit to earn your ass. She’s doing everything she can to make it feel like the relationship didn’t go anywhere, because it’s all your fault. When in reality, she’s the asshole that cancelled your date at the last minute for no reason twice. Then she has the gall to tell you you didn’t contact her enough, when you contacted her three or four times over the course of a couple of weeks, and each time she as like, “Oh, I’m busy.” Passive-aggressive, narcissistic, gaslighting fucking behavior. This is what her family’s like. They manipulate each other. They punish each other when they don’t get their way. And on top of that, she made you feel it was all your fault.
I also tried to not always be available to create more attraction, and I have to admit I became a little complacent after the 3rd date, because she had a high level of attraction.
Thanks a lot for your help.
The reality is dude, she weeded herself out. You brought out the worst in the worse. She’s a low-quality prospect. What I would do from this point forward is nothing. If she reaches out, invite her to your place to make dinner together. Hang out, have fun, hook up. If she won’t come to your place, just say alright. And go check out my article and video 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back and follow those principles, because that’s the situation you’re in at this point.
You want to see somebody that’s flexible. You want to give her another chance to earn another opportunity with you, but she’s got to demonstrate flexibility and a good attitude by being excited to come over and spend time with you, not breaking your balls and making you feel like shit so she can stroke her ego and then just toss you aside. If she comes over for the next three dates in a row and you hang out, you have fun, and you hook up, great. Then you can pick her up, take her out, but you’ve got to let her do all the calling, texting and pursuing from this point on, at least for the next three dates.
At this point, with her attitude and the way things have gone, I would just say you’re done with this. She had her chance, and she fucked it up. Part of the problem is you projected your high level of attraction on her, demonstrated some weakness, and you didn’t have any other options. At the end of the day, you’re going to fuck up when you’re learning, and that’s okay. So don’t beat yourself up over this girl. She’s simply not worth it. She’s a low-quality prospect.
Where you went wrong was, you started ignoring the red flags, and when she started demonstrating bad behavior, you just tossed my book right out the window and went into over-pursuit mode, which caused her attraction to drop even more. Then on top of that, she made you feel like it was all your fault, when the reality was, you’re the guy calling her, trying to set dates. And she’s the one jerking you around. She’s the one cancelling dates for no other reason than she’s just pissed off at you, and she’s going to teach you a lesson. You don’t date women like this. These are the kind of women you fuck a few times, and then you blow off and keep on moving because they’re just not worth your time.
Now, it’s totally possible that her attitude changes when you haven’t talked in a few weeks, and she reaches out. But again, she’s got to come to you for the next three dates in a row. And if she’s willing to do that, and you hang out, you have fun, and you hook up all three dates in a row at your place, if she starts complaining that you don’t do anything else, just say “You know, quite frankly, I’m giving you another shot here.” She has communicated zero qualities that she’s a good catch.
But dude, you’re making progress. You hooked up with a hot girl, you learned a few lessons, the hard way obviously, but just keep moving forward. You’ve got to have a woman with flexibility and a good attitude.
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Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“Human beings make buying decisions and romantic decisions based upon emotion and use logic and reason to justify their choices. Quality people are easygoing, easy to be with, easy to get along with, easy to communicate with and flexible. Low quality people are demanding, difficult, manipulative, inflexible, passive aggressive and are perpetually focused on sandbagging your happiness and success. Good people build you up, while toxic people tear you down. If you have a low opinion of yourself, then you’ll attract toxic people who justify your beliefs. If you have a high opinion of yourself, then you simply won’t tolerate toxic or abusive people and will actually repel them instead. The best thing you can do for yourself and your self-esteem is to focus on getting to a blissful and happy place first, then you will attract people into your life who match and mirror your positive perception, versus being unhappy and trying to attract people who make you happy. You can’t attract happy people who add value to your life without being happy first. The most important relationship you will ever have in life is the relationship that you have with yourself.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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