In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a thirty-five year old viewer who provides an update to a previous success story I discussed in a video coaching newsletter titled, “Her Curiosity & Interest Soared.” He is a recovering nice guy who says, before he found my work, he would always turn into a spineless jellyfish when he started dating women he liked. He says he did everything right with his current girlfriend and has read my book twenty times. After five weeks of dating, she asked him to be exclusive, and after seven weeks, she said she was in love with him. Things were great for several months, but he says ever since she moved back in with her parents, when her lease expired, she started backing away. She even blew him off when she was supposed to pick him up at the airport, and left him hanging. He told her this was unacceptable, he stood up for himself and she completely changed her behavior afterwards. She apologized and initiated sex. Things seem to be back to normal, but he is concerned as to why she seemed to lose interest when he thought he was doing everything right. My comments are in (bold parenthesis like this below) in the body of his email:
My name is Bob, and I’m a 35-year old, formerly single guy in California. (You can check out his previous letter in my article and video, “Her Curiosity & Interest Soared.”) I say formerly single because, thanks to reading your book 20+ times, I am now in an exclusive relationship with a really awesome woman. (You are blinded by the fact you have a really high level of attraction.) She is 37, athletic, attractive, never married, and has no kids. I had written you a few months ago to tell you how great things were going in the initial stages of dating, thanks to your guidance of hanging back a bit and letting her come to me. It worked so well, it was shocking! After 5 weeks she asked me to be exclusive, and after 7 weeks she told me she loved me. (That’s textbook. It seems like you were doing everything right.) It was incredible! I’ve never had an experience like this before, and all I had to do was chill out, have a good time, and not crawl up her back like the old me used to do. Following your advice has given me such an improved sense of self, which has carried over into all aspects of my life.
I’ve been applying another aspect of your teachings, as she and I have progressed past the initial dating stage into the relationship stage, and that technique, (When you know about relationships inside and out, you know it’s not about technique. It’s about understanding the principles in my book and acting accordingly), is keeping my eye on her interest level. (When you’re in the relationship phase, you have to be able to communicate with a woman effectively. That is critically important. Look at my article and video, “How To Communicate With Women Effectively.”) Corey, I’m sad to say, but I see her interest level slipping, and I’m reaching out to you for help to possibly stall this backslide before it turns into something big.
When we first met in July, Jessica was living in her own rented house. The relationship was progressing nicely, and she brought up moving in with me. (Keep in mind, when a woman expresses something like that, that’s what she feels in the moment, and it only applies in that moment. If she’s not saying those things now, she’s not feeling those things now.) It was a real joy watching her interest level and commitment rise. However, 3 months into the relationship, her landlord decided to rent the house to a family member, rather than renewing her lease, and my girlfriend moved back in with her parents. That’s when things started to go sideways. Her behavior has been inconsistent since moving. (Do her parents like you? Has your behavior changed since she moved in with them?) She runs hot and cold, and on the cold days, she expresses frustration with work. (This is where it’s important to ask her about her day. I highly encourage you to go back through the communication skills in my book.) However, there are some aspects of her behavior that are consistent, and these are clear indications of a dropping interest level. The “I love you’s” have stopped, she contacts me less often, she has expressed doubts of wanting to move in with me, and she is failing to follow through on promises. (What doubts? Find out what has caused her to change her mind. She’s basically saying she doesn’t feel the same way about moving in with you. She’s trying to communicate with you, and you are just trying to gloss over that. If she’s falling through on certain promises and you let it slide, she will continue doing that to you.) Last week, she was supposed to pick me up at the airport, but she left me hanging. (Those are the actions of a woman who doesn’t give a shit anymore. There were multiple instances of her not following through on promises, and you didn’t call her out on it. Then she started to lose respect for you and fall out of love with you.) If a woman truly loved and missed her boyfriend, she would be waiting at the gate, wouldn’t you think? (Absolutely. You should let her know that’s not acceptable behavior. She’s letting you know you’re not that important to her.)
The night I got back in town, I told her I saw a distance growing between us. I told her that leaving me hanging at the airport wasn’t right. I described to her the kind of relationship I wanted, one where each partner has the other’s back and makes them a priority, and if she had different expectations, she needed to let me know right away. (That was perfect. That’s what you should do, but it shouldn’t have taken this long. She needs to be held accountable.) She acknowledged what I said, apologized, and told me she would make it right. She told me she has never known a man who speaks so directly and knows exactly what he wants out of life. Then she initiated sex. (That was a complete attitude change.) This wasn’t the first time she’s gotten all hot and bothered when I stood up to her about something. Anyway, she came to visit me two days later, and she was a completely changed woman. She was super-affectionate and loving, and I’ve been hearing from her daily ever since. (That is because you called her out on her bullshit. Remember, women have to know if they push you too far, you will walk and never look back.) I seem to have my old girlfriend back, and that makes me happy.
I think it would be foolish to blindly assume that everything is fine, or to not reflect on what caused this drop in interest level in the first place. (Either she’s mentally unstable, or you let little things slide for too long.) My logical male mind wants to say that it’s her moving back in with her family that has affected our relationship, but how many women live stressful lives and are still crazy about their partners? (You’re not communicating with her properly. If you’re not able to open her up by communicating with her effectively, this is what you’re going to get. In a relationship, you should be her rock and mountain. Healthy women will be happy if you are able to open them up.) I’ve reflected on my behavior to see if there was anything I did to turn her off, and the only flaw I can spot in my game is that part of me thinks I’m being a bit of a cold fish by not initiating contact more often than the once a week text or call I make. (That’s fine dude. You shouldn’t have to do any more than that.) However, I also don’t want to run the risk of coming on too strong and chasing her off. (You’re focused on techniques instead of communication.) Besides, hanging back is what got me here in the first place. (You’ve got to open her up and be her rock and mountain. Look at “The Ten Disciplines of Love” in the back of my book.) What happened here Corey? Do you see anything here that I need to work on? (You have to communicate better, and you have to consistently stand up for yourself, otherwise this relationship will end, because she will feel you don’t understand or get her.)
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From my heart to yours,
Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“If a woman does not respect you or she loses respect for you, she will treat you in ways that show she does not value what you have to offer, won’t appreciate you and won’t feel love for you. Men who are spineless and don’t stand up for themselves unknowingly invite women to treat them like doormats with small instances of disrespect. The more a man allows a woman to disrespect and jerk him around without standing up for himself, the greater her acts of disrespect will become, until she starts ignoring him and blowing him off. In healthy relationships, both men and women must set boundaries of acceptable behavior and respect. The only way a woman will love a man fully and completely, is if she knows if she pushes him too far, he will walk and never look back.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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