What you should do if your relationship is going or has gone sideways, and your wife is hinting at or seriously talking about getting a divorce. How you can know if it’s salvageable or worth even trying to salvage.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a guy who met his wife seven years ago at a bar. He says she is super-attractive. Two years after they met, they got married. They have a three-year-old daughter together. Ten months ago, she left. He says they had constant problems because of her family. While he was at work, her family moved her and their daughter out of their home.
She has been back and forth like a yo-yo, hinting at reconciliation. Then she pulls away, and it goes nowhere. Recently after she told him she was going on a trip with one of her girlfriends, a friend of his shared pictures of her with another guy. This is not the first time she has lied to him. Now she won’t let him see his daughter, and he is distraught on what he should do. My comments are in (bold parenthesis like this below) in the body of his email.
My name’s Bob, and I’m going through a divorce. I met my wife 7 years ago at a bar, and she’s super attractive. Two years later, we got married. I don’t know when, but we started having problems. Typically the problems would occur involving her family.
(That’s why, when you’re dating, its very important to see what her family is like. Do they get along? Are they back-biting, having disagreements or not speaking to one another for months, or sometimes years at a time? Whatever their family life is like, when you join your two families, you get to participate in all that fun.)
She always prioritized them first, and us last; since we have a 3-year old daughter together, my main argument was your family is us, and we come first.
(I totally agree with that statement. You should come first. You and your wife need to have a strong relationship first and foremost to enable both of you to co-parent properly.)
Well, 10 months ago she left. It’s so dumb; it was once again issues with her family. They moved her and my 3-year old, 2 at the time, out of my home while I was at work. I was in a shock for a bit and didn’t take it seriously.
Well now here we are, divorce papers filed and she’s been yo-yoing me back and forth; when I’m ready to give up, she throws me a bone. So a month ago she had me book these tickets for a Jack Johnson concert in Tahoe, then quizzed me as to what our wedding song was, “Better Together.” Confusing right?
(She wanted to see if you were paying attention or if you remember those little things. I would say things were probably going well between the two of you, and she was probably starting to doubt whether she made the right decision or not, because you’re probably a good guy.)
So I gave it a shot booked the tickets. Then on my birthday, a week before the concert, she basically was cold, rude, and controlling.
(As I talk about in “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back,” she was the one that left. She was the one that moved out. She unilaterally decided to end the marriage. Therefore, she’s got to earn another chance with you, not the other way around. That’s why I teach guys to focus on creating an opportunity for sex to happen, because that’s what romance is. Hanging out together, having fun together and then hooking up. Guys that have problems in long-term relationships, it always goes back to one of two things, they stop dating and courting their wife properly, or they’re not communicating with her properly, because they don’t understand how to communicate with women.)
She had me cancel dinner with my parents to go with her, we got in a huge fight about her family; then she flipped me off and drove away.
(You had plans with your parents, and she told you to cancel those plans with your parents, and you did that. As a man, that’s the wrong thing to do. That leads me to believe that many times you have caved in to what your wife wanted, in order to be a pleaser. Her family is really important to her, so if you’re willing to ditch your family and blow your plans off for her, from her perspective, you don’t really have the same values as far as family goes. Do you think she would blow her mom and dad off like that at the last minute if you wanted to do something?)
I was hurt. Then she told me to cancel the tickets.
(She’s going to punish you, because she’s mad and you got in a fight. Long-term, healthy marriages that last a decade or more have these things in common: mutual admiration, respect, trust and communication. Across the board, the reason relationships don’t work out long-term is because one or both of the people involved is constantly threatening the end of the relationship or constantly threatening to break up with the other person, and there is a lack of respect. Obviously, this is assuming you’re dealing with a normal person and not somebody who’s got mental problems, bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, or anything like that.)
A few days later, I went up to Oregon with our daughter for my grandfather’s funeral. While I was there, she called me to let me know she was going paddle boarding with her friend. I go into work that following Monday, and a coworker said he saw my wife at the lake with another dude.
(So there’s another dude in the picture. Things are going well with the other dude. You’re probably not going to hear much from her, then when things start to look like they might not work out with the other dude, she’s probably going to be really sweet with you thinking, maybe you’re not such a bad husband after all, and maybe she should give you another chance.
You’re totally giving all of your power away to this woman, and obviously that’s going to turn her off. It would turn any woman off and ruin attraction. But we have a big problem here, and that is your wife is a fucking liar. A relationship cannot survive where there is no trust, especially when she is out with another guy.)
My wife lied, and said her friend was there too. The coworker sent me a picture of just her and another dude… it hurt.
(It sounds like that dude is a good friend, because that’s the kind of reality you need to see, so you can see the situation with your wife very clearly. Because somebody who has no problem doing this to you, who lies to you, they don’t really value loyalty. They don’t really value communication. They don’t really value commitment. They tend to be more selfish and narcissistic, and they feel no remorse when they do things like this.
From an outcome based perspective, if your outcome is to have a happy, healthy, loving relationship with your wife, who communicates like an adult, it’s got to be with someone who values loyalty, communication and commitment.)
I kind of exploded, and sent a bunch of mean texts. Now, she won’t talk to me at all. Nothing. Won’t even let me see my daughter.
(If you’re eventually going to go through a divorce with her, you’ve got to think about it from this perspective. If you can have a rational conversation with her and agree to how you’re going to split things up, resolve things, child support, alimony and custody arrangements, then you can have your attorneys draw up a separation agreement.
Your attorneys get paid the longer the conflict goes on. It’s in their interest to continue seeing that the conflict goes on, use the court system to extract money and resources, and eventually wear the other party out. Financially, it hurts both of you, and ultimately hurts your child, so it’s in your interest to keep things as level-headed as possible and exercise emotional control.
If your outcome is a happy, healthy, long-term marriage or long-term relationship where you’re great parents together, it has to be with somebody that has the same goals and values as you, and your wife has no problem lying to you. She obviously has a problem communicating with you, and on top of that, she’s vindictive. Statistically, when you look at those characteristics, the numbers are not in your favor for you to work this out. And even if you did, you’d still be sleeping with one eye open the rest of your life, because she’s already betrayed you.)
I’m starting to think back at all the lies she’s told me, and just wondering the truth, and inside it’s eating me up alive.
(Letting that eat you up alive and allowing that to cause you to lose your shit and lose your emotional self control is going to cost you money in your divorce. You’ve got to think about it from that perspective. If you’re not nice to her and you’re not thinking from the perspective of, “what’s best for our child?,” the reality is you’re in a lose-lose situation financially. You could use this to your benefit if she’s got another dude in her life, because as things progress with the other dude, she’s going to extricate herself from your marriage as quickly as possible. You’re going to get more with sugar than you will with salt in a situation like this.)
I’m at a loss right now, been talking to several ministers from the church, and met up with another guy from another church and spoke with him. I know the answer seems obvious, but I just don’t know what I can do or how to change it. I’ve literally tried everything. People keep telling me to work on myself, but I don’t know how, as I feel so broken inside.
Hope you have some witty solution to my problem and can help save my life!
(What is your outcome? Your outcome obviously is, you’d like to have a great, healthy, long-term relationship with somebody you can trust. In order for that to be statistically possible, you need loyalty, communication, commitment, mutual admiration and mutual respect, meaning both people really admire each other. You’re never going to fully trust somebody who’s a habitual liar. You can’t make good wine from bad grapes. You’re married to a woman who is more suited to have an open relationship with, friends with benefits or a fuck buddy.
Your friends are right when they say to work on yourself, but you’re not working to get your wife back. You’re working to create the conditions where you can attract somebody who has the same goals and the same values in life. If you take your wife back and give her another chance, this is how she’s going to treat you. When things aren’t going well, she’s going to pack her shit and leave and start dating other dudes. That’s the reality. The qualities that she’s brought to the table are not the qualities you are looking for to achieve your outcome. You can ignore reality, but you can’t ignore the consequences of ignoring reality.
If you want to give her another chance, let her do 100% of the calling, texting and pursuing. Have her come to your place and make dinner together. Hang out, have fun and hook up. It’s got to be her idea. You’ve got to follow what I teach in “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back.” These kinds of women will be faithful when they’re happy, but when they’re not, they have no problem looking you in the eye and lying to your fucking face. You have to decide what you’re okay with and what you’re not okay with, and then make your decision accordingly.)
“People who lie and cheat typically believe that everyone is a liar and a cheater. Since people will act consistently with their model of the world and what they believe about themselves, it is futile to expect them to change or that you will somehow be able to fix or mold them into your ideal. When you don’t accept reality for what it is and accept people as they are, you’re going to suffer. Your only choice is to accept what is or to move on and search for someone who shares the same goals and values.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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