Do men really need to talk about their feelings with women, or is it better if they don’t?
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who has read 3% Man 12 times over the last year and a half. He ended his 4-year dry spell with women recently while on a trip out of the country. He started feeling guilty about his lack of strong feelings and decided to tell her. This only made things awkward, and she wondered why he felt he needed to talk about his feelings, even though they were both clear they weren’t looking for a relationship.
He’s happy his dry spell is now over, but wonders if these conversations were even necessary, productive or helpful. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
In the last 18 months I have read the book (3% Man) and watched the videos in it at least 12 times (8 in the last 6 months), as well as read some of the other content you recommend in the book and a bunch of other videos you’ve put out there.
I have ended a four year no sex dry spell and started out by applying the exercises you recommend in the video “Improving Your Social Skills” in Bali after quitting my job as an electrician. By week 6, I was confident enough to approach beautiful women, look them in the eye and authentically say how I feel. The ones who responded better than others stayed and spoke to me a little bit, and I got their phone numbers. Some phone numbers I got just from saying “Hello,” because I can tell by their interest level and I have had more dates than I have ever had within a six month period. Most didn’t lead to anything, but this last one did.
I met this lovely local woman who is 38 and a MILF, or yummy mummy, and I know it’s okay to date around until I find someone that pushes all my buttons.
I didn’t know they were called ‘yummy mummies.’ Well, you learn something new every day, apparently.
She came to my local hangout spot from the city where she lives two hours away. All the other local guys were all over her like a rash, leaning in, trying to make her like them, etc. I just sat back, was chilled, calm and watched their attempts. I smiled at her, she was smiling back and I thought, “She’ll probably choose me over these guys. What would James Bond do?”
Yeah, you can just look at these guys, and they’re displaying unattractive behavior. Leaning in is a lack. That’s not what a confident guy does. Confident guys hang back like James Bond.
Eventually, I had a good opportunity to say hello. We had a bit of a chat, and I told her I wanted to take her for a drink next week. She said, “You’re not my usual type,” but she agreed and I gave her my phone number. A few days later, she asked to come and see me and she would be staying at my place. I asked her jokingly, “Are you going to seduce me?” To which she replied, “What do you think?” She’d be staying for a couple of days. She said that she never travels to see men, and normally all the men pursue her.
Well, that’s because there’s so many thirsty dudes out there that don’t have any game.
I took her to lunch when she got here. During this time, she explained, “I don’t know what it was. There was just an energy about you that I couldn’t ignore and wanted to explore.”
Yeah, because he was acting completely different than all the other guys that were smothering her, basically. This is what I talked about in the article and video that I did many years ago, “How to Get Women to Approach You First,” especially like when you’re out in places like this, bars and things of that nature, hanging out in a high traffic area and just enjoying having fun with your friends and not really pay attention much to what’s going on around you.
If you’re in a high traffic area, it’s like everybody comes by you. They either come to the bar to get a drink, or they at least have to walk, especially when the girls are walking around. And if you’re there with all your friends having a good time, and you’re laughing and you’re joking, you’re giving off the non-hungry vibe. Typically, guys that give off that vibe either have too many women in their life or they’re already in a relationships, so they’re just not really looking.
Meanwhile, you’ve got all the rest of the dudes that stand in the corner with their hands in their pocket and their drinks in front of their chest, and they’re not talking to anybody. And out of everybody that’s there, it looks like you and your group are the ones having the most fun. Plus, you’re not chasing after them, so this naturally makes women curious. It gives off that completely different kind of vibe.
And you could tell, if you’re familiar with the article, which you should be, that’s part of what caused her to notice him. Because everybody there was trying to get with her and talk to her. Meanwhile, he’s over there just hanging out and having a good time, and eventually she makes her way over.
We talked about what we wanted from each other. I told her that, no matter what we had, it would have to be temporary anyway because I’m not planning on staying in Bali for too long, (maybe 2 more months). She was very transparent and explained that she wanted to keep seeing me as long as she felt the connection.
Remember, all women care about is how they feel about you. So, keep in mind, all these other guys, probably a lot of them were there, the locals, and they’re going to be around. And yet, here’s this guy who’s only there temporarily and she wants to feel what her connection is.
She wanted me to be honest as well, (whether I wanted a relationship / to date / just casual sex, etc.), if I wanted to keep seeing her. We agreed we both wanted companionship, where we go out together, do nice things (like dinner), are able to talk about things, cuddle and connect. After our lunch, she was on the back of my scooter and her hands were touching my belly in a sensual way. By the time we got back to my place, we were talking some more, and all of the signs were there. We cuddled and this led to me kissing her, which led to the indoor Olympics three times.
Hang out, have fun, hook up. Don’t complicate it.
She said most men treat her like a booty call, but I have been different because I take her out and we have a connection.
Well, the idea is to hang out, have fun and hook up.
The next day, I went down with a sickness and she looked after me the entire day, the same way a mother would. She asked me again if I wanted to keep seeing her, to which I responded yes, and I meant it at this time. The third day, (New Year’s Eve), I was feeling good enough to take her out again. She asked again, do I still want to keep seeing her?
Either a) she’s needy and insecure, or b) she could tell he’s not really feeling it and she doesn’t want to waste her time.
To which I said yes again. However, after spending more time with her, I started to realize I still have a take it or leave it attitude, and I became concerned that I would hurt her, because I’m missing some of the sexual spark and had doubts if it would last, even the time I’m here in Bali. I was afraid to tell her and didn’t want to ruin the time we were having together.
How is that going to be helpful to her, talking about your feelings? You’ve got to remember, women go out with a guy and they’re like, “Is he a good match for me? Do I like him? Is he good for me?” That should be the attitude. And this is so preliminary, you just hooked up, the one time. You shouldn’t be thinking, “Oh, I’ve got to decide to be in a relationship or not.” And the reality is you should be congruent with what you told her, “Hey, I’m here for two months and then I’m out.” And she was cool with that. End of story. But you can tell he’s a good guy, and he’s not used to rejecting women. He’s used to being the rejected guy.
That evening, I decided I wanted to be honest with her. I felt bad for not being as into her, so I told her before I let things go any further how I felt.
You’ve got to remember, as the book says, if you’re going to say something to them, “Is this going to make me more attractive? Is this going to help things? Or is this going to make a mess, or make me look less attractive?”
I said, “I’m not sure I want to keep seeing you like this.”
That’s feminine energy. This is the thing you keep to yourself. I mean, everybody’s on probation in the beginning. You hung out with her, what, once? This is like the second time you’re hanging out, and now you’re trying to decide whether or not. I mean, that’s kind of absurd, dude. I understand you’re a good guy, but these are just not necessary conversations. Besides, you were up front. You said, “I’m out of here in two months anyway, no matter what.” Be congruent with that. Part of your problem is you’re vacillating back and forth.
When she asked why, I told her “I’m not feeling like I want to keep up the sexual and intimate aspect of this.” She was devastated. She hid her feelings for the most part of the evening, putting on a smiley face, but we got back in the early hours of the morning on New Year’s Day, we talked more about it, and she broke down crying in front of me. I felt mediocre and irresponsible for hurting her away from her family and kids, knowing she’d be going back home to them just hours later. All I could do was be present for her and tell her I’m sorry and be honest about how I felt. She cried herself to sleep in my arms.
This is totally unnecessary.
We talked for hours about how she felt the next morning, I kept on asking more about how she felt. At first, she was so closed off, but she explained that she likes things simple and felt like she had done everything right. She saw no warning signs from me that things weren’t going to end well. That’s why she kept asking if I still wanted to see her and she went on to explain that she also meant, “Have you changed your mind? Do you want to just fuck, want me to go home, etc.?” She felt like an idiot and that she was undesirable and could not work out what had gone wrong.
You see all the unnecessary drama that this guy caused? I mean, all he has to do is take a step back and look at it and say, “I told her I’m only here for two months. Let’s just have fun. Let’s not worry about it.” But he feels a need to regurgitate his feelings moment by moment, like he’s some kind of chick. So, what happens? You have too many sappy, silly movies, “talk about your feelings.” Because, you’ll see in a minute, his feelings kind of change.
It was the first time she had spent New Year’s Eve away from her family to see a man, and she also missed her mother’s birthday. Normally, she can tell when something doesn’t feel right, but with me, she didn’t feel there was anything wrong. She said, “This was like a silent killer.” She wished I had waited until after she had gone back home to her family to tell her how I felt about things. Over time, after a lot of talking, I think we got to the root bottom of the issue. She asked me a question, which was “Why do you need to bring your feelings into the equation if none of us are looking for a relationship?”
Exactly. Because remember, you told her, Hey, no matter what happens, I’m out of here in two months. Be congruent with what you told her. See, part of the problem is now you’re vacillating.
And she reminded me that she knows it’s temporary and won’t get serious. She just wanted to feel the connection we had in the meantime and didn’t want that to end in the way it did. Then, I started rethinking what I had done and was a little confused. I began to think maybe I wasn’t thinking correctly.
Yeah, you were thinking like a chick.
Although, I know I shouldn’t be too hard on myself because of a lack of previous experience.
We talked more and I asked her more questions about what it means to keep seeing each other. I thought it through very carefully when she asked me if I wanted to continue with what we had. I explained that I’m enjoying the company we give each other. I told her, eventually, I would want a family of my own, and if I met anybody new, who I wanted to be serious with, then things would have to end. She said if that happened, she would be sad but would also understand.
See, this is why you’ve got to be congruent and you’ve got to be honest. But talking about your feelings is you vacillating your moods throughout the day. It’s like you’re acting like a woman, dude. Plus, the information you’re telling her is not helping. You just created a bunch of unnecessary drama. Hang out, have fun, hook up. It doesn’t say hang out, have fun, talk about your feelings after you hooked up. That’s not how it goes.
She said she has a lot of options too, and I know she has the right to explore them also, but she’s not particularly keen on them in the same way. She explained that one of the reasons she likes me is the way I treat her, and I make sure the sex is good for her, unlike her booty callers.
You can’t make a determination one way or another if there’s somebody you want to have a relationship with anyway. It’s just way too early.
I have some questions regarding my communication and honesty. Do I need to be concerned about my own feelings towards her at this point, and is it appropriate and necessary to explain them to her if we’ve seen each other for three days?
Duh, no. You say you’ve read the book, what, eight times now? Twelve times, or whatever it was? It’s right in there, dude. This is not going to help you. It doesn’t say “act like a woman and talk about your feelings constantly.”
If not, did I cause unnecessary upset?
Yes, you did.
I believe honesty is the best policy, but was this too much honesty and not necessary, (like when she said she wanted to keep things simple)?
Exactly. She was cool with it. You were honest and upfront about what you wanted, and then your internal dialogue became external to her, and it was unnecessary.
Did I mislead her in any way?
No, but what you talked about, you’ve recognized how it was a totally unnecessary.
Would it have been more appropriate to just focus on having a good time with her?
Yes. That’s why the three H’s say, “hang out, have fun, hook up.” Because if you do everything right, and you really like the girl, and you spend a couple of months together, she’s going to be the one trying to lock you down. And besides, you said, “no matter what happens, I’m out of here in two months.”
Should I have been clear on my intentions before we both slept together, in case she felt misled when she asked?
You were clear when you first met, dude. Part of your problem is you act like a beta male. Beta males are totally unsure of themselves, they’re constantly second guessing themselves, going back on their words, not being congruent with their words.
Could I have better communicated with her this time around and prevented this unnecessary heartache, and if so, how?
Simple, focus on the three H’s, hang out, have fun, and hook up. You were honest the very first moment. You said, “I’m out of here in two months.” Be congruent with that. Don’t tell a woman one thing and then fucking back up and then do something else.
We made up after, and when saying bye to me that day, she cried because she was leaving. We’ve seen each other again since and had a lovely time again. I’m flying back to the UK temporarily for a week before returning to Bali. She dropped me off at the airport and was tearful again when I had to board my flight. She wants me to send her photos when I’m back home.
I know I’m inexperienced, but I’m determined to become a 3% man and gain more experience. But at the same time, I don’t want to hurt any women that I’m dating along the way to finding what I would want in a long-term relationship.
Great. Then be a man and be congruent with your words, pretty simple.
Thank you for everything that you do. Your work has cleared up a lot of confusion I’ve had for years and made things simple to understand. I can’t believe you give it all away for free. I trust you received my donation.
I mean, this is just so much unnecessary drama and difficulty. What women really appreciate is honesty and and being congruent with that. And so, if you later doubt yourself, or doubt your feelings, or doubt whether or not you want to continue, that should be part of your internal dialogue. Those should be things that you can discuss with your guy friends. But all you do is you upset her emotionally. And at the end of the day, you’re gone after two months anyway, so why should it even matter? As long as you’re honest and up front about it, the rest of the stuff is just totally unnecessary.
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.
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