Do This When She Backs Away & Says She Needs Space

This is what you should do and how to respond when she backs away and says that she needs space.

In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who is new to my work and hasn’t read 3% Man. He has been dating his girlfriend for about a year. A month into their relationship, her son died in a violent crime. Since then, she has backed away and her excuse is always dealing with the death of her son. However, it is obvious he has continually over pursued to the point she told him she needs space because he is too controlling.

He doesn’t seem to realize how he is chasing her right out of his life. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

This email is actually from a guy who’s relatively new for my work, and he says he hasn’t read 3% Man yet. So, it’s obvious he’s cherry picking from videos, which, as I say all the time, may give you some attainable success, some short term success, but it’s not going to give you sustainable success. Because there are no shortcuts to success.

You’ve got to read the manual, 3% Man. I mean, you’ve got no reason to. I even give it away for free. People can read it for free in their web browser at UnderstandingRelationships.com, just subscribe to the email newsletter. So you’ve got no excuses to not learn this stuff. All it takes is your name and your email and boom, you’ll be reading it instantly on any mobile device. You’ve got to learn the basics.

I can’t roast him too bad, because he’s brand new to my work and hasn’t read the book. But you’ve got to read the book, dude. There’s no way to get around it. There are no shortcuts to success. And just from reading this, it sounds like it’s a pretty simple situation to resolve, but there’s also some things that you’ll see at the end of the email that she’s doing that are some red flags we need to be concerned about as well.

Viewer’s Email:

Hey Coach,

I haven’t read your books, just saw some of your videos on YouTube after looking for answers to my situation. 

Well, the way you’re behaving is totally unmasculine. You’re acting more feminine and girly and unsure of yourself. You’re basically acting like the chick in the relationship. That’s why it’s turning your girl off, and that’s why she gets a little cranky and a little bitchy, because you’re acting weak. In a way, she’s poking and prodding your strength, hoping that you’ll start acting like a man consistently and stand up to her when her behavior is inappropriate or she talks to you in a condescending or a bitchy tone. Women like it when a guy calls them out on their BS.

So, I met my girlfriend about a year ago and we hit it off pretty quickly, lots of sex and hung out every weekend, etc. But soon after, about a month into the relationship, a tragedy happened and her son passed away due to a violent crime. After this happened, she would have cold and hot days towards me, which I understood due to this tragedy. I just tried to be by her side whenever she needed, but she seemed to push me away on those cold days, which I respected.

I would have to say, after reading his email, I know you didn’t respect it. She pushed you away and said, “I need space,” and then you would keep chasing after her. You’re constantly looking for attention and validation from her, instead of simply focusing on your purpose and your mission in life and allowing her to come to you at her pace.

As the months wore on, it has gotten worse. She started to drift away more and more, cold days, not texting or calling, initiating contact, etc. I’ll admit, I was doing most of that, which is a mistake.

Yeah, as I talk about in “3% Man,” a guy shouldn’t do more than 20 to 30% of it. And any time he does, it’s too much pursuit. Especially when it’s 50/50. Whenever I’m doing a phone session, and a guy is telling me that he’s reaching out 50% of the time and she’s reaching out 50% of time, I already know that at some point in his story he’s going to get to, “Oh, and she friendzoned me.”

What happens is there’s no sexual polarity when it’s 50/50 like that. A lot of women have been propagandized by TV and they believe the feminist nonsense that it’s got to be 50/50. Well, you’ve just got to have the sexual polarity. Otherwise one is going to be like, “Oh, there’s no chemistry, there’s no spark. Something’s missing. You’re a great guy, but I should be feeling something more by now.” And women go off what they feel. They care about how they feel about you, not how much you like them. How much you like a woman has no effect on her interest in you. She only cares about how she feels about you.

She has stated to me that right now she can’t give me what I want in a relationship due to her grieving, and her mind is focused on other stuff like her other kids right now. 

So, just that statement alone, there’s a couple of things here. Guys that understand my work understand what this means. When a woman says, “I can’t give you what you want,” she’s being over pursued. She feels like she’s being smothered. And as Thich Nhat Hahn said, “you must love in such a way that the person you love feels free.” So, she doesn’t feel free. She’s doesn’t feel like she’s making the choice to choose him, because he’s always up in her shit, basically. He’s always looking for attention and validation like a needy, insecure little girl, instead of being a man who has a healthy self-esteem and feels good, whether his girl is with him or not.

The other thing is, because he said they’re in their forties, I guess her kids are mostly grown or maybe they’re teenagers. And then you’ll have these douchebags in the red pill community going, “Don’t date single moms because they only focus on their kids and not you, and they won’t make you a priority.” What’s happening here is he’s over pursuing her and smothering her to the point where she wants to get away from him, instead of him being the rock and the mountain in her life and being the escape from this horrible tragedy that’s happened, one of her kids dying.

He’s acting, in essence, like another one of her children that need attention and validation. And so, he doesn’t seem strong, he doesn’t seem masculine, so she doesn’t feel safe and comfortable enough trusting his masculine core. Because he’s basically treating her like his mommy, and she’s got enough to deal with. He’s overwhelming her, basically, instead of allowing her to come to him at her pace.

It doesn’t matter whether she’s a single mom, or not. Any woman you treat that way is going to be repulsed. And so, logically, when he says, “Oh, it’s her grieving because of her son, and she’s focused on her other kids,” what she’s basically saying is, “You’re not that important to me. You’re not a priority to me.” Scarcity creates value. He’s too abundant in her life, and she doesn’t want to feel like she’s got to make the guy happy.

She also said she needed some space due to feeling controlled by me.

Again, he’s trying to force himself into her life, instead of allowing her to come to him. So, it’s like he’s already admitted that he’s doing most of the pursuing. And quite frankly, I’m surprised she’s still with him after all of this time, because it sounds like she’s maybe doing 5% of pursuing and he’s doing 95% of it. It doesn’t sound like they get together very often. Maybe she throws him a mercy fuck every now and then just to get him off her back.

So, it’s been a week I haven’t contacted her after that conversation, but she has called me one time for 5 minutes to tell me she’s been feeling under the weather and felt a cold coming on in the morning before work. I called her later that same day at night to check up on how she was feeling, but she didn’t answer. 

Again, when a woman tells you that she needs space, what she’s saying is, “You’re smothering me. Stop calling and texting me 24/7. Stop looking for attention and validation and expecting me to be your mommy.” That’s what’s really going on here. And so, she reaches out once and he thinks, “Okay. Well, the space is over. Let me go back to over pursuing her.”

This is the same kind of thing that guys do when they have a breakup, and then the woman pushes them away and friendzones the guy, because he’s just smothering the shit out of her. And then he finally backs off for a few weeks or a month or so, she comes back, and as soon as she starts reaching out, they go right back to the same behavior where they chased her out of their lives the first time. And that’s what this guy is doing. He’s literally chasing her out of his life.

I know grieving has no time limit, and I do want to be with her.

The thing you’re not paying attention to is how much does she want to be with you? What is her level of effort to be with you? It’s not there. You’re more into her than she’s into you.

But it is hard at the same time because it went from talking daily to now this.

Yeah, it went from that about 11 months ago. And now, obviously, you’ve been seeking her attention and validation ever since.

I won’t initiate any more contact, but I’ll admit it’s not a good feeling because I miss her.

Exactly, it sucks. But the problem is, the reason why you feel this way is because you’re acting unnaturally. You’re not acting like a man acts. You’re basically acting like a woman. You’re all up in your feelings and you’re in your feminine energy. That’s not your natural essence. That’s why it doesn’t feel good.

We are in our early 40s by the way, and she has other kids to take care of. I have no kids of my own. Lastly, there are other issues. She has a pretty rough personality. Not sure if it’s the grieving or her true self coming out after all this time. She does like to yell, talk down to me and never agrees with me on different things.

That’s because she doesn’t respect you as a man. She thinks you’re a bitch. I know it’s harsh, but that’s the way she looks at you. The other part is you don’t stand up for yourself. You just sit there and you allow her to browbeat you into submission and you just take it. It’s like the dog’s been kicked one too many times. It just sits around and lets you kick it.

The fact that she’s yelling, you’re going to say, “Look, don’t talk to me like that. That’s not loving and kind. If there’s something that’s bothering you, we can talk it out, but you’re not going to yell at me.” And if she continues to yell, you just say, “Look, I’m going to go. You call me when you calm down and you’re ready to apologize and act like an adult. I’m not going to put up with this crap. It’s just not loving, it’s not kind, it’s not sweet, and I’m not going to deal with it.” And then leave. If you ask her a loving way first and she still wants to yell at you, then you hop in your car, you leave, and let her call you a few days later.

The fact that she’s talking down to you, that just shows she doesn’t respect you. And disagreeing with you, it’s like she’s combative and picking fights, because she’s just hoping you’ll stand up for yourself and start acting like a man, consistently. That’s what she really needs.

Has the mindset that she knows everything, and If I don’t agree it’s WWIII.

No one will ever do or say anything to you that you don’t invite them to do. You’re enabling her behavior, just like Johnny Depp enabled Amber Heard’s behavior. He was too nice and too soft, and he put up with a woman who, I think she’s got a personality disorder. She’s got all kinds of mental health issues, which are exacerbated by a guy that’s being too nice and soft and putting up with her crap.

Whatever you tolerate, you invite more of into your life. And so, you’re tolerating her bitchy behavior, you’re tolerating her talking down to you, you’re tolerating her being combative. And you’re not saying anything, because you’re worried about losing access to the box.

She has gone through my phone but won’t let me see hers, which is a red flag.

Yeah. If you’re hardly ever seeing her, she’s probably fucking some other guy. Because if she ain’t fucking you, she’s fucking somebody else. And people that are constantly accusing you of cheating or doing something wrong, they’re projecting. No one will ever do or say anything to you that isn’t a direct reflection of how they feel about themselves in a moment.

She calls me insecure, which I don’t agree with. 

Well, you are insecure. That’s why you over pursue. Because you don’t reach out because you miss her. You reach out because you want to know if she still likes you or if she still cares about you. That’s insecure. A man is not concerned with these things. A man is focused on giving his love and his presence to people who value it and who reciprocate it. And then, when people don’t value and reciprocate, then he stops giving them his attention and his time. So, she is right, you are insecure. You’re treating her like your mommy, instead of your queen and your teammate.

I didn’t see this subject in your videos, so just thought I’d email you. 

Bob

Well, you’ve got to read the book, dude. You have to if you want to have a chance to turn this around and get her to the point where she’s head over heels in love with you, wants to be with you all the time, and is stuck to you like a sucker fish. That’s what women do and how they behave when they’re in love with you. They always want to be around you. They always want to be touching you. They want to be close to you all the time. They want your attention all the fucking time. But you are doing the opposite of what you need to be doing in order to attract her back into your life.

So, I would do nothing. I mean, you did say here that you’re not going to contact her anymore. Let her do 100% of pursuing. When you hear from her, assume she wants to see you and make a date. You’re only going to ask two times in a row. And if two different times when she reaches out first, you invite her over for a date or out for a date, and she declines and gives you a bullshit answer, then never ask her out again or bring it up again unless she brings it up first.

But we’ve got some things to be concerned about – the issue with the phone. If she’s going through your phone, because she’s worried you’re doing something wrong, more than likely that reveals that she’s probably doing something wrong. And so, you won’t really find out the truth until you allow her to come to you at her pace and she falls in love. And then she’ll tell you what’s really going on and why she’s so concerned about what’s in your phone.

So, there are a couple of things that could potentially be major red flags. Again, liars and cheaters, what they do is they accuse everybody else in their life of being a liar and a cheater, because that’s who they are. They project what’s inside in order to disassociate themselves from it and absolve themselves from any blame.

But you’ve got to read the book, dude, 10 to 15 times, and you’ve got to apply what it teaches. Let her do 100% of the pursuing. Make dates when you hear from her. And if she reaches out, you should also look at what “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back” says. I discuss this in the book; if you ask twice, two different consecutive occasions when she reaches out, you try to set dates and she’s just like, “Eh, I’m busy. I’ve got to get my life together. I’m just having such a tough time,” or whatever it happens to be, the bottom line is her actions are saying she doesn’t really give a shit about getting together with you.

You want to spend your time with somebody who’s like, “Hell, yeah, I’d love to see you. I’d love to spend time with you. I miss you. I want to see you.” You’re not getting any of that here. You’re treated like you’re a nuisance, basically. Because, quite frankly, you’re treating her like your mommy that you need an ‘attaboy’ from, and that is just totally unattractive. The number one, most important thing that women find attractive in men is confidence, and you are displaying none of that with your behavior.

So, you need to clean up your game if you want to have a chance at saving it. But again, once you start spending more time with her, then you’ll be able to kind of see what’s really going on with the phone issue. But there might be another dude in the picture. She might be a liar and a cheater and not worth your time, but you don’t know what you don’t know yet.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.