Do This When She Backs Away…

Jun 7, 2012 by Coach Corey Wayne
Photo by iStock/tommaso79

What to do when women you are dating or trying to re-attract start acting distant & less-interested in you. It’s very hard to let go of women you want, but who do not act like they are that into you when before it seemed like they could not get enough of you. It’s counterintuitive.

A man’s natural instinct will be to want to try to do something in order to make her chase or pursue him like she did previously. The key concept to understand in order to attract or re-attract a woman whose interest in you has dropped is to understand that it is your inaction that will make her want you more. Why?

Because when she starts to fear or starts to realize that unless she reaches out to you, she will never hear from you again, she will reveal exactly how much or how little she cares about you. If her interest level is still in the 50% range, you’ve still got a chance and she will still contact you. If it’s below that you will never hear from her again.

In order for a woman’s feelings for you to develop slowly over time and continue to stay at a high level, she should be doing 70 to 80% of the pursuing and calling. Women dump and reject guys who chase them. Women go crazy for guys they have to work for and for men who seem indifferent. Men who have a take it or leave it attitude.

In other words, they are happy to have her, but they are just as happy without her and feel no sense of loss or diminishment if she chooses another. The following is an e-mail from a reader who is in the process of re-attracting a girl who dumped him. They recently spent the night together, but now he has noticed that she is backing off once again and he is unsure of what to do next. My comments are (in bold brackets like this) in the body of his e-mail:

Hi Corey!

It’s me Ray, I e-mailed you a week ago about this girl who cut me off first, but then came back after. I did follow your advice, and everything seemed okay. We even spent a night together, (Awesome! Good job!) but recently she acts really strange. It seems like her interest level has gone down. (A woman’s level of romantic interest/attraction for you will fluctuate based upon how well you do with her tests and how much or how little weakness you display.)

She doesn’t text me as much as she did before, and if she does, it’s a very brief message. (Her interest has dropped. You need to make sure you continue to do nothing and wait for her to contact you. Why? She dumped you, remember? She has started contacting you again because she is unsure of where she stands with you. She contacts you when she needs to feel certain again.)

Photo by iStock.com/petekarici

I feel that she is pushing me back. (Remember, women are like cats and sometimes get bored and disinterested. Let them run away. When you don’t chase, they come back as long as they have interest.)

The strange thing is that she seemed totally obsessed with me few days ago by constantly texting, etc., but now everything is totally different. I’m very confused. (You can’t let it affect you. Don’t take it personally. Women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear. When they become too certain of where they stand with you, they back away. When they become too unsure of where they stand with you, they contact you in order to gain certainty. It’s all about feeling your strength when you are away.)

Please Corey, help me sort this out. (You need to get more familiar with my book. You still don’t know the material well enough; that is causing you to make unnecessary mistakes that are delaying her return to you. You can download the Amazon Kindle version of my book to your Smartphone, PC, Mac or iPad in under 60 seconds for only $9.99 by CLICKING HERE to learn how to meet and date the type of women you’ve always wanted and have effortless relationships.)

Thank you!

Ray

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Published on June 7, 2012

Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. Hey my name is Austin and i would really like if you could help with this problem im having with my ex she put me in the friendzone after 5 months of dating because she said a long distance relationship wouldnt work. But then a week later she asked for a second chance so i agreed. But then a week later she dumped me again saying it wont work out because of college but her college is only a hour from mine? She really likes me but i agreed to be friend before i found out about your work. What do you think i should do?

    • What does being a friend mean to you? To me it means that you stay in the background and just don’t put your feelings onto her. That’s my experience anyway…no chick I’ve stayed friends with after something like this has been a true friend to me (the kind that hang out like characters on Seinfeld) they’re basically just wanting me to be around but hold no real significance. My advice to you (assuming the situation hasn’t been resolved which it probably has), or someone like you is to kind of fade into obscurity…don’t initiate contact and just play it cool. It seems like she doesn’t know what she wants and in my experience someone who doesn’t know what she wants is unreliable and will not make a great life partner because you will always be wondering if she will dump you. She should probably do some self improvement before seeking a relationship.

  2. Corey,

    I am leaving you a tip in the “tip jar.” Thank you for the wake up call!

    My biggest problem WAS keeping them coming back for more. I thought attraction was a one time event and once you got her, you had her. I believed the lie that you have to pursue and win their heart. That is such BULLSHIT!

    Basically, t would fall in to the “over pursue” trap. Oh if I do this or that she will find me even more attractive.

    I also didn’t know about attraction levels, monitoring attraction, how to keep attraction level high. Thank you for that advice too.

    The best piece of advice for your audience/clients is to read your book over and over and over. Take notes, study your notes, read the book and take more notes, look within and make the changes. Rinse, repeat.

    Bad habits die hard.

    Another point I learned from you, that works like a charm, is to let the girl (or cat) come to you. No guys do this and it works like “catnip.”

    PLUS I learned the importance of flirting with new women all the time. EVEN THOUGH you have feelings for a certain woman. This keeps your head straight so you don’t get hung up and over pursue the girl until she bolts. And she will bolt.

    Another very important tip you provide is to never overuse the phone. The phone is for “setting appointments” only. As a sales guy I made that connection right away. Get the appointment and go away. Never call to confirm! This too is where I lost women. They would flake.

    Lastly, please make sure to remind the fellas to stop explaining themselves to women! They already know. They are trying to knock you off center. Just chill the fuck out and just be. When you start explaining yourself and why you do what you do or try to justify your thoughts, actions or words – you killed attraction instantly. If a girl is asking why she sees you with other girls and accuses you of being a player, just say, “Hush…your silly. haha.”

    James G.

  3. Hello Corey,
    First and foremost I want to thank you for your great videos.
    I am been dating this girl (she actually asked me out) for few months she is my co worker she’s 2 kids and she still love her EX husband and they are still married even though she told me she’d never get back to her. A month ago, she dumped me saying she still love the EX but likes me and that she is a trash cuz her life is messed up and no one wants a woman with 2 kids while I am like the perfect guy with no kids, working on my Master and Phd, and dont drink or smoke and that I deserve a better girl than her and we should stay friend. I applied the no contact method and she texted after a week saying that she want to get back with me (she comes to work all crying and tearful) saying she still single and she was at the movie yesterday with her sister and bf and she thought about me all night. But since we got back about three weeks ago, she doesn’t call or text me as she used to, she told me she is really busy with work (2 jobs) and sometimes forget about me, she would not pay attention to me when I talk to her, she ignores me which she has never done before, she doesn’t hug me anymore which she did all the time before, she told me her phone broke but two days later it rung from her purse, I asked her to email me since I lost my phone but she has not done it, I call her on pay phone and she said I am busy call me back and when I call back her little sister picked up and said she went out with her mom which is a lie cause she never leave her phone. She is a very good girl character likewise and maybe I will have her back in the future. But as off now whenever i see her I say hi that’s it.
    From watching your videos, I realize I have made several mistakes and I don’t date very much. Which books would you advice me to buy and read in order to step up my game?
    Thanks again!

    • Allan, Corey always suggests you to buy his book How to be 3% man. You can buy it from amazon.com and As a reader, I would also recommend the same book.

      Its damn good and practical.

  4. How, exactly, do you quantify “interest level”. Is it based on quid pro quos. If she calls you or texts you on a 1:1 basis or more doees that suggest an interest level of 50%+?

    And even if she does what does it suggest if her communications are small talk devoid of any romantic interest?

    It seems like arbitrary criteria and I’d be interested to know who established it?

  5. Hey Coach! I broke up with my girlfriend 1½ months ago … She left me because I was being possessive. However she told me that she doesn’t want to be in a relationship with anyone else, and she wants me in her life just as a friend. I agreed to her and decided to be her friend because that’s what she wanted. We chatted & met each other at times. But one or two weeks later I felt like she was kind of ignoring me. She used to talk more to my friends rather than me. I felt bad so I talked to her about it & we had an argument. I shouldn’t have done that. I think I screwed it up. Now I kinda feel that she doesn’t need me in her life at all. I really love and care for her and she knows it. I want to win her back. Please help 🙁 I can’t live without her!

  6. hi corey
    i love a girl ..she started loving me…i wasnt into her as much as her first…she were so comfortable with me..she shared her emotions /her daylife ….she was the first person who starts calling /messaging her and she is a comfortable person because she is an artist and she likes to be free and different…she had lots of boyfriend experiences and cut every relations because they put her under pressure …all of her friends are men…so i was a lucky guy because she told me i have never seen a man like you i`ll never let you go…..she told me i love you everyday…if i was disapeard for a day,,,she started to say:where are u??are u mad at me??….so we had a great relationship….she was cahsing me….in the middle of the relation i started to be so needy ,so sensetive about everything,,,i told her please pay attention i need u..i love u…,,,then she started acting cold….so i screwed up more..and after that i thought i shoud apologize because of my behave,,so i started to explain myself that i am not that kind of person ..please come back…and these made her being much colder + i showed her i dont have an stability on my character..so i really screwed up…i worked on myself not to be needy ,,.she is a girl that gives people chance ….she is not stopped her conversations with me and we met at coffeeshop about a month ago….but she is not that warm like before…she is cold…these days i am the perrson that starts the conversations ..she doesnt care even if i dont contact he about a week… …i think something is missing … the line of passion for her,,,..the line of chasing for her …they`re broken…. ..i want her to chase me again…what should i do???

  7. I sow your video I need your advices my girlfriend spend more time on Facebook at night wen am sleeping and we have been staying together for 4 years but she love Facebook. What hurts me is she never put our pictures on her facebook

  8. Thanks Corey, this video coaching session was the exact thing I needed to hear….and yep, it worked.
    Was trying to hook up with a co worker last year. We had a few dates then she flaked and cancelled twice on me with BS excuses.

    For 8 months I didn’t text, call or email her. She ran into me outside my office the other day made light conversation about a local place we both like to eat and asked me to have dinner with her. I said, sure and walked out to my car. If she flakes who cares I already booked the night with another woman.

    Thanks bro,

    Frank

  9. Hi Corey,
    Some years ago a beautiful woman whose office i installed some Air conditioning in out of the blue asked if i thought i could live with. I was so gob smacked i blurted out completely unprepared “yeah sure anytime”. I have no contact other than visiting her office twice a year if lucky. She never said a word but, fast forwarding a few years i’ ve been thinking. Did she take this as a rejection? cause, since then she won’t meet up with me when i ask her too. Just to chat about what’s going on in her life. I heard she’s now engaged to a guy she met working in the same building (different company) He’s since moved jobs. Still she lights up when she sees me. I told her we’d had a connection and think the world of her and won’t try and come between them but, it’s like she want’s to run away every time when ‘am around. I can’t stop thinking about her and want to win her. I recently sent her a song i wrote ( ‘am a signed songwriter) “Let’s make it last a lifetime” and she e-mailed me how she absolutely loved it with so many smiley faces. She also thinks that i am married which ‘am not and never have been. I have never told her how beautiful i think she is. How sexy she looks, how i long to be with her,go out with her.Never told her how i noticed her long before she even knew who i was You know all the stuff. I don’t know what to do. Should i stop dreaming, forget and move on for good. Is she punishing me for what i think she took for rejection in the beginning? Could you through some light on this. I would really appreciate it.

  10. Hi Corey,
    I am trying very hard to unlearn everything that was drilled into my head since I was little on how to treat women. I read some books, watched your videos, then fell really hard for a woman, and just “lost it” and reverted to my original programming. End result: she just became more and more distant each time I pursued and reached out, got “friendzoned”, then she ghosted me.

    At that point I took your advice to heart and refused to make any contact. Figuring either she will reconnect or ….’life goes on’… ya know?

    4 months later out of the blue I receive a text from her. I didn’t respond, 7 hours after the original text I get a picture of her texted to me with a greeting. I still didn’t respond, then another 8 hours I get a Friend request from her on Facebook.

    Understand that in order to force myself from NOT contacting her when she Ghosted me. I deleted all contact info I had on her.

    So anyway….I’ve been torturing myself on whether or not to accept the friend request…I let 4 days pass by, and then…I accepted it, but didn’t send her any messages or anything.
    Point is: I don’t want to lose her, but I do want to send her a message that it wasn’t cool to “ghost” someone. That’s it’s disrespectful.

    I am thinking of still NOT making moves to message or email her although keeping her as a “friend” on Facebook for about 6 months. Going to post some pictures of me going out on some dates with other women. Though honestly I am really just interested in her, but I figure maybe a little “mate competition” will straighten her out.

    Seems to be a constant ongoing process to keep women attracted and keep up their interest levels. As well as passing her shit tests (which have been many).

    My theory on why women say one thing to guys on how to treat women, but are really looking for and desire the opposite action; is that women are constantly filtering out men who are deemed to be undesirable (ie. ‘weak’), and are really looking for men who are ‘strong’ (alpha males). So they say these things in order to more easily filter out undesirable men, like we use dogs to flush out quail when hunting or we set a trap with some bait. So…a guy who is particularly independent and noncompliant is just going to ignore what he has been taught and do things his way…but most guys will just want to please women, so they are compliant and thus get ignored because they are ‘nice’ guys (ie. have undesirable characteristics).

    Anyway…not quite sure how to proceed with this woman, but I am going to have some fun in the meantime, and make sure that everyone in my social circles are aware that I am having a great time.

    Hopefully I am on the right track, but if not….well…going to have fun anyway! 😀

  11. So I have met this girl about 3 months ago, though she is about 4 years older than me. Now I was attracted to her since I saw her, but when I got to know her I soon fell in love. So we got to know each other better, and soon we started texting each other, a lot. We are almost completely the same, just like she is my soul mate, we love the same things, have same hobbies, we do the same things, she laughed at my jokes, even the bad ones. She introduced me to her friends and we started seeing each other a lot. There was not a single day that I have not heard from her and we were seeing each other about three or four times a week, and sometimes even more, which I thought is great because we are both introverts and don’t like to spend much of a time socializing :D. Now I was not over needy and managed to keep my head cool to the some point, because I thought it is going well and that she likes me too and everything seemed perfect, so I decided to let her know about my feelings towards her. But the day after I decided to do that, about 5 weeks ago, we saw each other, and I saw on her face that she was tired, she complained to me that she got more obligations and a temporary job and that she wont have that much of a free time, and of course I understood, and since she was not in very good mood that day, although she was warm and I’ve done all that I could to make her happy, I decided to wait for a better moment. But I couldn’t resist so i asked her a couple of times to hang out, and I would get “Sorry I’ve got so much things to do” or “Sorry I already have something arranged, so see ya for weekend” and when I again about 3 weeks ago asked her she said that she got many things to do, but apologized for “dumping” me so much lately so I decided to give her some space and 2 weeks I haven’t invited her anywhere. When last week I invited her to hang out, guess what “I don’t know, I have much things to do over day so I think I am gonna stay home tonight… ” I would understand but come on we haven’t seen each other alone for 5 fucking weeks! And previously she would agreed to go out even if she was tired or had a long day. Now I was completely depressed but I managed to act cool and just said “Ok, but tell me if you change your mind”. The thing that worries me is that I don’t know if she really has so much obligations, or has she gone off cold or she never liked me that way, though I would not say that is the case because she wouldn’t spend so much time with me would she? So I am asking for help because I don’t know wtf is going on or wtf I could have done to turn her off. But in this 5 weeks now I am the one initializing all of the conversations, and I have feeling that something changed, because our texting is now much shorter then previously and I have a feeling that I am boring her, or that she just doesn’t want to keep conversation going. We see each other once a week, because of the same hobby, now when we meet in person I don’t have the feeling that something has changed, but then we are with other friends, so I can’t do what I want to. What am I trying to say is that I fear that I bored her or have done something that caused her to go distant so that she now refuses to meet me alone, but I really don’t know because the thing was going too good then BAAM! Nothing! So I’m asking for advice what should I do? I really need this girl in my life, I mean, I’ve tried to distance myself, tried to move on bu I just can’t I just fucking can not get her out of my head and every other girl that I talk to or meet is just boring to me because it’s not her. I am really feeling bad these days, because I’ve had a bad period of 2 years and I was in depression because everything seemed so bad in my life, but then I’ve met her and never been so happy in all of my life than in that 2 months. Now the less time I spend with her I have a feeling that she is going even more distant (though I just may be panicking over no reason), but I really miss the time when we talked to each other so often and the time we spent together. I tried to focus on other things but I just can’t, and I can’t focus on my studies because I think about this from when I wake up till I fall asleep. I need help, because I dont know how long I can keep this way and I also fear that if I now tell her how I feel it will just be a turn off and nothing else, and she really means to me more than anyone else so I am so afraid of losing her now because she made me feel something that I’ve never felt for anyone else, and I don’t know if I can move on If this doesn’t work itself out…

    • Hey I know this post was a while ago but maybe you are still having the issue?

      What I would suggest would be to become busy…that doesn’t have to mean seeing other women (although casual experiences can’t hurt) it basically means not making yourself available. Easier said than done I know but the thing about many women is they like challenges and they love the flattery but if the person pursuing them suddenly goes cold on them they get to a point where they cannot stand it and they need to know where they stand (they want the attention but not the one giving the attention)- many are reminiscent of a queen on a throne surrounded by servants who laugh at her lame jokes or agree with every social, political or general statement but none of those guys can claim her heart; her eyes are looking at the guy who cannot be tamed.

      Currently I am in a sexual relationship with a chick and she goes hot and cold sometimes. I figure I am doing well if she drives over 2 hours for a session but then her nonchalant responses suggest she’s running cold again so what I am doing is a little technique where I confront her about it, she denies it and so then I pull back and that shows that I am aware of her game and I am not playing it. It always helps to have a back up option on the go.
      When I was involved in online dating I had at least 3 women on the go at any one time because my thought process was “These women can change their mind at any time so be prepared to move quickly.” Many of them did change their minds and I always moved on from them and once they get rid of you the idea is to scout out replacements as backup opportunities.

      That’s my advice here. Its all a balancing act. Seems like this chick loves the attention but could have gone cold. Let it be known that nothing stops a woman from spending time with you…if she is in fact interested she will make plans with you- that’s a fact that has always been true it was true 90 years ago and it’ll be true when we are all dust. If you have her on your Facebook start doing activities that will make her wanting you. Put up some pictures of yourself at the beach or doing something and make sure you have a huge smile on your face- even get a few pictures of you with some women at a party or something (could be a regular party nothing naughty or suggestive but make sure you keep her guessing). Good luck hope its all been resolved.

  12. I’ve been seeing someone for nearly 2 months but every now and again she seems to back off. She has told me she likes me and cares about me but I sometimes feel like I care about her and like her more.

    I have a lot going on at the moment, college, work having to find a new place to live. I would rather her in my life but I’ve hit a point where I don’t care now if she goes, I haven’t bothered getting in touch with her because I just can’t be bothered to chase her, my feelings have been made clear to her and she knows what I want so right now I’m just doing nothing as I have started thinking that if she wants me I’m here, if she wants to see me I’m here, she’s got my number and knows where I live so if she wants me I’m here.

    I’m done chasing after people, if the want me they know where I am.

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