All women test men. They test and probe to get a sense of a man’s strength and his level of congruency with what he says. If a woman tests you and she senses weakness either in your love for her, or in your level of commitment to actually following through on the things you say, she will probe further. In other words, do your actions match your words?
When a woman tests you and you are inconsistent, she will be relentless in probing your weaknesses so you do something about them. As she falls more and more in love with you, she makes herself more vulnerable. For a woman to fully open up to you emotionally, physically, sexually and mentally, she must continually feel safe and comfortable with you over time in order for her interest level to consistently rise and stay at a high level of love and trust. When she senses weakness, or you fail to dig deep enough to find out what is wrong when you can tell that something is bothering her, she will close down to you and withdraw in order to protect her heart. Hopefully, you will notice that she is distant and take the appropriate action to resolve the situation so she can feel safe and comfortable opening up to you and being vulnerable once again.
The following e-mail is from a coaching client of mine who is doing amazing with his girlfriend. However, he still has moments of weakness, insecurities, doubts and fears about himself. He tends to project (like we all do) his own shortcomings onto her, instead of admitting them and dealing with them internally so it does not affect the health and quality of his relationship. However, he does almost everything right that he is able to get away with his mistakes overall, because he’s done a fantastic job of romancing her and getting her to fall in love with him. He does a great job of being mysterious, strong, humorous, playful and unpredictable. He can sometimes think that he is way worse off than he really is. This can be a good thing. After all, it was retired NBA Basketball star Michael Jordan, who once stated that the primary reason for his success, was because he demanded more out of himself than anyone else. Including his teammates, coaches, friends, fans, family etc. Michael was, and still is, an over achiever. So is my client. High achievers tend to be very hard on themselves. They are their own worst critics. My comments are (in bold brackets like this) in the body of his email:
Thanks for the article! Video, audio and content was crisp and very helpful and I appreciate the feedback as always (that’s what I’m here for my man).
So, here is a bit of an update about me and Denise:
She has been staying with me all week. She and I work for the same company and she was able to arrange to work remotely from a facility in TX (where I work and where we met a few years ago in fact). I have been enjoying all the time I have been spending with her. This is the most time I have spent with her consistently. She basically came back for 2 of her friend’s weddings, so it was a good opportunity to spend time with her.
Of course I am still constantly monitoring her level of interest and I see it fluctuate, which is good because I am sensitive to it, but also very frustrating.
It is interesting because I am seeing different sides of her. I fucked up the other day. Basically, she is in the process of making a decision to relocate back to the USA for a great job offer. She has many opportunities in different parts of the USA, but says she wants to relo to the south to be closer to me. I told her to relocate to Austin as it is the closest facility. I fucked up because later that same day I told her how much I enjoyed being out in the sun and I thought Florida would have been a better choice after all. I fucked up by changing my mind and I can tell it concerned her. She got pissed. She is good now I think because we talked about it and I told her that it didn’t matter where we lived. That being closer to her was more important and I didn’t need to relocate to be happy. She asks me the same fucking questions over and over (she senses you were not congruent with those words. When they sense weakness, they test and probe it. You mentioned about relocating to a state near the beach and a warm climate. See, she sensed you want to move also. When you say you don’t, she senses you don’t really mean that. That’s just another way a woman will exploit a weakness so you put more attention on it to resolve it and make your decisions. Do you see why I love women so much? They’re amazing! A gift from God. Goddesses!). I give her a firm answer 3 times and then on the 4th time I change my mind, wtf. I have yet to say to her, oh honey, whatever you want (that would be a mistake, she wants YOU as the man to make a decision and stick to it. Be congruent with your words). I give her a fucking answer to all her questions every time, every time my man and she still continues to test me, Jesus (yep, you are not congruent. She will keep at it until you follow your heart).
Often times she will break my balls and I break hers back (she acknowledges this and says she likes it), but I am still too concerned about offending her sometimes for some reason, so I back off. She does not seem to back off ever (a good woman never will. She will stay on them to challenge you to grow and be more).
She talks about the past and guys she knows and guys she flirted with. She talks about cops that did her favors and got her out of tickets and who still contact her and send her cards and how she wants to introduce me to one of them. I laugh and call her a flirt and act like that doesn’t bother me (it never should. You have no competition. However, the courtship never ends. If you stop dating her, some other guy will). I ask her if she at least kissed them or let them take her out to dinner in return and she says, “of course not” (she is loyal. The most important thing to men in a relationship… loyalty). I wonder why the fuck she tells me those things sometimes (she loves and trusts you. She wants you to know EVERYTHING so you know she is faithful to you and she expects you to be faithful in return). Clearly I have insecurities to work on (we all do), but mostly because I don’t understand her motivation for telling me those things.
Then she will go on to say that her mom knows one of these cops. Her mom thinks they would be a good couple. This sounded pretty recent, so I’m thinking wtf is wrong with this chick (and her mother for that matter) for telling me this? Tell you what, if I didn’t read your book and have your coaching, I would have told this chick to go fuck herself a few times (bad idea. You would be projecting your own weaknesses and insecurities onto her).
This is interesting too. I told her I smoked a few times in the past because she asked me. I never smoked a lot (especially since it was offered to me every fucking day), But I told her I had smoked a couple of times (bong hits for Jesus?) and I immediately saw a shift in her attitude. Almost like she wanted to fuck me right after hearing that (because you are 90% Charming James Bond, and 10% of the kid who flushes the M-80 down the toilet at school and blows the sewer pipe open-Bad Boy is sexy to women because he is dangerous, a little out of control and the type of man who really knows how to fuck a woman’s brains out. He TAKES HIS lover and RAVISHES HER). I’m thinking, okay she thinks I am a bit of a bad ass for smoking, so that is why she is acting that way. But at the same time I’m thinking of how fucking stupid it is that she would be attracted to something like that, especially since she is so health conscious, driven and straight edge (more projecting of your own stuff onto her. You get mad at her because you smoked and it turned her on. Maybe a limiting belief of yours is lurking in your mind which tells you incorrectly that you don’t, or couldn’t possibly deserve a women who loves ALL OF YOU). If this is what she is attracted to then I can’t sustain this shit because that ain’t me (its part you. I don’t think she expects that you will shave your head and your ass and move to the desert, live in a yurt and smoke weed all day contemplating the mysteries of life. She just likes to find out things about you that surprise and excite her. She is a cat and loves to slowly discover hidden mysterious facts about you. Face it. You do it for her and she loves to find new reasons to fuck your brains out. Stop your whining).
These are my thoughts and concerns for the morning and I would appreciate you telling me what you think about these things. If you can respond briefly, I would appreciate it, otherwise, we can talk about it at the next coaching call.
Peace my brotha and thanks as always.
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Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“To be what we are, & to become what we are capable of becoming, is the only end of life.”-Robert Louis Stevenson