How to determine if the woman you are dating wants a relationship or not, and how to get her to want one if she doesn’t.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who is thirty-nine. He was married to his wife for seventeen years with two kids before she passed away. He started dating his now ex-girlfriend about four months ago. After several weeks of dating and hooking up, she asked him to be exclusive.
At the beginning of the year, she asked for space. She recently reached out to him after a few weeks of not talking to say that she missed him and invited him over. They hooked up, but he is confused and trying to figure out if she wants a relationship or not. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
Just based on the woman’s actions, if a woman asks you to be exclusive and then you’re exclusive for a month or two, then all of a sudden she wants space and doesn’t want to be in a relationship and backs away, typically that means that the guy came on too strong, pursued too much, and he got in the way of her emotionally bonding with him and falling deeply in love.
Because women don’t dump guys that they’re in love with. They dump guys that pursue too much, act too needy, too desperate and come on too strong. Then they get confused about their feelings. And when they typically back away, guys that don’t know any better start pursuing even more because they fear losing her, which actually drives her away even more. So it’s a good email to see how things started off good and then kind of went sideways after a few weeks, probably right as he thought everything was going great.
So what you see, and I like to bring this topic up a lot, because obviously things have changed so radically in our culture in the last 30, 40 years, 50 years, basically during my whole life, that when you go and you look at the older movies, black and white movies, whether it’s in the 1930s, 1940s, all the way up to the early 1970s, what you notice, women are very feminine, very submissive. They’re always doing the pursuing of the men. They’re always trying to lock down the high value man.
And then what you’ll see is there are other guys in the movie that don’t know any better that are pursuing the women, that are pursuing the main character in the movie, trying to lock him down. And you see a lot of this nice guy behavior, which I’ve mentioned before, in the movie “It’s A Wonderful Life,” from I think it was 1946 that was made, where one of the most beautiful women in town, I think her name was Violet, she’s after Jimmy Stewart’s character.
She likes him, is always trying to get his attention, and yet there’s always two or three dudes around her saying they’ll do this for her, they’ll do that for her, just bending over backwards to please her and get her attention and validation. And she likes their attention and validation, but as soon as Jimmy Stewart’s character comes walking by, she blows them off. They’re literally still talking and she just walks away from them and goes after Jimmy Stewart to try to get his attention and validation.
But pretty much mostly what you see today is the exact opposite of that, where women are fighting off all of the attention from these beta males. And yet, the main character in the movie acts like a beta male, and she falls in love with them. And that’s not how things work in the real world. And if you think about that, the amount of brainwashing that can do to our society is that it has men acting like women, and women acting like men and both of them turning each other off.
So, the idea is we want to get back to things that are natural and the way the big man upstairs planned things, like I talk about in my first book, How To Be A 3% Man, which you can read for free at UnderstandingRelationships.com. All you’ve got to do is subscribe to the email newsletter.
Thanks for your amazing work, and for sharing your knowledge. I’m trying to figure out where I went wrong as well as how to get my ex back.
Well, you should really think about it from this perspective. She should be trying to get you back instead of you trying to get her back, because that’s obviously part of the problem, is your mindset. You were pursuing her too much and trying too hard to get her attention and validation instead of letting her come on to you.
Even though a lot of women these days, you’ll mention this, and they’ll say that’s not true, it should be 50-50. The reality is, when a guy pursues too much and tries too hard, the women get confused. They’re like, “I’m not sure where I’m able to be right now. I’ve got to get my head together. I’ve got to focus on myself. I’ve got to work on myself.” They come up with these excuses, and the guys go, “Oh, that kind of sounds logical. That makes sense. Yeah, I can understand she needs some time to herself. No problem.”
And what she’s really trying to say without hurting their feelings is, “Hey, you acted like a bitch, and you turned me off, so I don’t want to be around you anymore. I lost attraction.” But women don’t talk like that. They don’t think like that, because they don’t want to hurt your feelings. They want to be nice and hope that you figure it out. Because, for most of them, they don’t want to teach a guy how to be a man.
I’m a 39-year-old widow who was married for 17 years to my late wife (2 kids) who passed. Eighteen months ago, I met my ex 44-years old (1 kid) late October 2020…
Eighteen months ago, that doesn’t really make sense. Eighteen months ago, you met her in October, 2020. Unless you got the dates wrong, because that was only like four or five months ago, so I’m going to assume because this ended pretty quickly, that’s what you’re saying, because most of your email lines up with you met her in October of this past year.
…resulting in 4 dates until around November 10th, 2020. On our 4th date, I slept at her house and we hooked up.
So typically, most women, if you follow what’s in my book, will sleep with a guy by the second or third date.
We hooked up every 3rd day afterwards, and on the 17th of November she asked for us to be exclusive.
So that’s quite a lot of spending time together, like every third day. So what I’m seeing is a lot of routine, doing the same thing over and over. It just sounds like you go over to her house, you have sex. Three days later, you come back and you have sex again. So it’s like, who was calling who? Who was reaching out to whom? Was that her idea to get together? Was it 50-50?
That’s one of the questions I always ask when I’m doing phone sessions with guys that the women got turned off and they’re trying to get them back. I’m like, “Well, how much were you reaching out first versus her reaching out first?” It’s like, any time I hear a guy going, “Yeah, it’s 50-50,” or it starts out with the woman doing most, if not all of the pursuing, and then when she starts backing off, the guy does more, and then it flips, or it gets to 50-50, it’s like the guy doesn’t have to finish the story.
Number one, I’m talking him, so I know something went sideways, but when he tells me it’s 50-50, I’m like, “Hey, it’s just it’s just a matter of time before you get friend-zoned. I know how this story ends. But please continue to tell me the rest of the story.” I mean, it’s really as predictable as the sun coming up in the east and setting in the west.
You pursue too much, you come on too strong, you call too much, you text too much. You never give her time away from you to miss you, to wonder about you, to think about you, to spend time with her girlfriends, to wonder when or if you’re going to call again, when she’s going to hear from you next. And you could say this to a lot of women, and they’ll go, “Oh, I disagree with that. It should be 50-50.” But if you ask them, “Okay, well, tell me about the guys that you actually date and have relationships with,” or “Tell me about your boyfriend,” then you find out the boyfriend that they’re so in love, he doesn’t do any of those things that she says she wants, and he doesn’t do the things that she says is the way it’s supposed to be.
And most women just don’t understand this, because they’re focused on their emotions and how they feel about a guy. And if you’re getting together every third day, it sounds like it’s pretty much a routine, like you’re kind of friends with benefits or you’re fuck buddies. So, just that alone tells me that you’re probably pursuing too much. Because at the end of the day, women don’t dump guys they are in love with.
I was not keen about it at first, (I had 6 other girls I was dating and hooking up with). Eventually I agreed, (resulting in losing 5 of the 6), and we saw each other about every 3rd day.
So what does that mean? You kept one of them around?
Which resulted in us watching movies and hooking up afterwards.
So, it’s like, you didn’t really date. You just were kind of fuck buddies. You went over to her house, you had sex, and then you stayed the night. Sometimes you left.
Everything happened at her place, (according to her it’s the best sex she ever had). She introduced me to all her relatives and friends as her BF. My ex traveled the world for 15 years and is extremely successful, (Financial Director at a big firm). Her longest relationship over the last 5 years was 6 months.
So obviously, she’s going to be more masculine than most women. She’s confident, she’s successful, and the reality is most guys get really intimidated by that. They get really intimidated by a woman who’s successful, especially if she makes more money than they do. And then what they try to do is they start trying to force her to spend more time with them, they force her to try to be a certain way, and women like this are just going to bounce.
Around the 3rd of January she asked for space, (her reason, she is too subdued with me and I’m very reserved), upon which I agreed and backed off (making no contact at all).
So, the excuse can be like, well, that sounds logical but at the end of the day, her attraction has dropped. It was going up and then it started going down. She asked to be exclusive, and then she’s like, “Ehh, it’s not working for me.” It’s because her emotions changed. How she was feeling about you changed. And again, most women don’t really understand this or even think about this. They just know that something doesn’t feel right.
Around the 10th of January she said she wanted out of the relationship, upon which I agreed, and I went on holiday.
Again, he doesn’t say anything about who’s calling who. He did say he made no contact. So after a week, she reached out and said she wanted out.
After not speaking since the 3rd, she started to text around the 17th of January, and I just answered her questions, (no conversations). Around the 20th, she said she misses me, and on the 23rd asked me to come by for a hookup and I agreed.
So, she started reaching out saying she missed you. Typically, what I teach, especially in “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back,” is when you hear things like that, make a date. But you also didn’t bring up getting together, so maybe that tells me you’re new to my work and you don’t really know it, and so you waited for her to bring it up, which obviously that worked in your favor, especially if you had over pursued and turned her off.
Since she pushed you away, it’s her job to fix it. Remember, she’s got to earn another chance with you, not the other way around. It’s a complete mindset shift. And it seems like what’s happened here is that you just found out about my work in the last few weeks, and you’ve made enough corrective action. Because most guys, when they’re in this situation, they keep pursuing, they agree to be friends only and think, “Oh, I’ll just give her space and time and we’ll hang out as friends, and eventually she’ll see what a great guy I am and want to start dating again.”
And then meanwhile, months go by, and then they find out that she’s fucking another guy, which is shocking to them. So, if she pushed you away and you let her do all the reaching out and getting together and bringing up getting together after she’s pushed you away, then it’s her idea. You don’t have to worry about rejection. Because if a woman is always chasing you, you don’t have to worry about getting rejected.
When I got back in town, I spent the night at her place, and we haven’t spoken or texted since. It feels like I’m in a power struggle to see who makes contact first.
I wouldn’t look at it that way at all. Again, if you look at the older movies, what’s going on, the women are seeking your attention. They’re seeking the guy’s attention and validation. The guys, they’ve got a purpose, they’ve got a mission. They’ve got big goals, they’ve got big dreams. They’re not really interested in the white picket fence, and settling down, and having a family and living happily ever after, because they’ve got big goals and big dreams.
And the women are going out of their way to lock the guy down. This is natural. Because think about it, women do the tight skirts, the low cut blouses that show their cleavage. They put makeup on, they do their hair, they do their nails. They try five different outfits on before you pick them up or before they come over. Why would they do that? Because they’re trying to get your attention and validation. They’re trying to look desirable and irresistible, so you become enchanted with their beauty.
And that’s one of the things I love about “It’s a Wonderful Life,” is they did a great job of catching that on screen. It was beautiful. And another movie I like is the movie “Charade” with Cary Grant and Audrey Hepburn. I think was made in 1966 or 1967. It’s great because he’s bantering with her and fucking with her the whole movie with a total deadpan straight face. And she can’t tell whether he’s fucking with her, or being totally serious or just goofing around. And it’s really cool, great chemistry between the two of them. Again, you don’t really see stuff like that captured on film in most modern movies.
There was, it was not the most recent Spider Man movie, but I think the second one that came out like two or three years ago where the chick is always chasing him, and something always happens where he has to leave the last minute. So, the whole movie, she’s pursuing him. And then the movie that came out after that, he turned into a supplicating beta male again. So, obviously they probably had a different writer. But maybe the guy that wrote the one before that maybe was familiar with my work or just understood women.
So, you know, you just you don’t see that dynamic. Most of what you see in the movies is the guy’s fumbling all over himself, acting like an insecure girl, and the women just fall in love with the insecure girl routine. And then you try that in real life, and you get stuck in friend zone.
He says, “When I got back in town, I spent the night. We haven’t spoken since, and it feels like I’m in a power struggle.” So, if she’s seeking your attention and validation, you shouldn’t care. You should be like, “Hey, play ball. She didn’t want to be exclusive. This is awesome.” You know, get most of your girls back that you had in your rotation.
And then, if she asks you to be exclusive, I wouldn’t be so willing to give that label back to her. Just say, “Yeah, well, we tried that before, but, you know, you wanted a relationship and then after a few weeks, you bailed out of it. So, I just want to take my time. I want to see how things go. Let’s give it just give it a few months and see. Let’s give it a few weeks.” Make her wait. Make her earn it.
Because it’s like anything in life, if it comes easy, we don’t value it. But if you have to work for it, you appreciate it. And when she just tosses you aside and then a week or two later comes back, you don’t reward that behavior. You’re going to be more skeptical, a little more hesitant, and you’re not going to blow off the girls that are in your rotation.
I’m confused. Does she want a relationship or not?
It’s none of your fucking business, dude. That’s not the guy’s department. Your job is simply, as I talk about “How To Be A 3% Man,” to create the next opportunity for sex to happen. Hang out, have fun and hook up. It’s simple. See, it doesn’t say anything on there about relationship, or exclusivity or commitment. That’s it. That’s the formula right there. If you want a girl to ask you to be in a relationship, hang out, have fun and hook up. She’ll bring it up when she’s ready. Let her do almost all of the calling, texting and pursuing, and make dates when you hear from her.
But again, the man starts the courtship off. In the beginning, he does have to pursue. He gets her number, makes the first few dates. Typically, after they sleep together, the woman starts reaching out and texting, or calling, or FaceTiming her or whatever. Then, when that starts happening, your pursuit’s kind of over at that point. Then you can just kind of slowly hang back and let her do most of it. And then when she really misses you and really wants to see you, she’ll reach out.
When she’s really thinking about you and feeling attraction, she reaches out. And when you make dates, when that’s happening, she’s pursuing you and you never have to worry about getting rejected. It’s easy as pie. Again, it’s just like they did in the old school movies when things were natural, when men acted like men and women acted like women.
I’m not texting or visiting every day. (I hike, gym, study and am a single dad.) I really like this woman, any advice to get her back?
Well, the idea is let her do all of the calling, texting and pursuing. Let her earn you back. You should have the attitude of let’s see how much effort she’s willing to make to be on her best behavior to warrant me giving her another chance. In other words, she has to get you back, dude, not the other way around.
She unilaterally ended the relationship. Now she came back to pursue you. It was her idea. Let her keep doing that. Because, what happens is the guys make a mistake. Like where he’s at right now is, what happens is the woman starts reaching out and you’re like, “Oh, I’ll go back to calling or texting once a week to try to get her to go out.” And what happens is they go right back to the same behavior that turned her off. Things are good for a few weeks, and then they get the same, “Oh, I’m confused. I need some space.”
So in this case, let her do 100% of the calling, texting and pursuing from here on out and just simply make dates when you hear from her. And if she just disappears, it really doesn’t matter. You’ve got several girls in your rotation. I know you like her, but you don’t really know her that well. You only dated for a few months, and she’s displayed a lot of flaky behavior.
Obviously, she’s in her masculine, so you shouldn’t have her on a pedestal thinking that she’s the best thing since sliced bread. Make her earn you. She should be on probation as well. You’ve already decided she qualifies to be a great girlfriend. And based on this kind of behavior, she should be a little lower on the totem pole, so to speak. She should be a little further back on the bench in your female rotation.
That’s all you have to do. This is actually a pretty simple case, but I want to go through and explain these things, because I know a lot of guys at first come into my work, they’re In this particular situation. Things are going well, or at least they thought it was, and then they get dumped or they need space. And then the woman starts reaching out after a few weeks, and they’re going, “What the hell? She said she didn’t wanna be with me anymore. Why is she contacting me now?”
Just don’t get upset, don’t get butt hurt about it. Just look at it and be objective. “Hey, she lost attraction, so she disappeared. And then I didn’t chase after her because I’m a man, and then she started missing me and she started questioning herself.” Because most guys continue pursuing, even when they get dumped or pushed away. And so, when she starts reaching out to you and pursuing you, it becomes her idea.
And as she has to do that more and more, and especially in this case when you’re not in such a rush, especially after a few weeks of hooking up, and she says, let’s be exclusive, again, I wouldn’t agree to it. Just say. “I want to see how things go. You know, I already did that with you, and you just out of the blue broke it off with me. So, I want to take things slow. Let’s slow it down. Let’s not be in such a rush. You know, let’s give it a month or two and see how things go, and then we can revisit it then. But you look really cute laying over there naked. Why don’t you get a little closer and snuggle. We can spoon, and maybe something will pop up.”
So if you’d like to get my help personally and book a coaching session, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.
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“Relationship and dating labels, commitments, bonding, connecting and being exclusive are feminine energy. Men may pick who they want to date, but it is women who do the actual choosing. Therefore, men should focus on creating the next opportunity for sex to happen and simply focus on hanging out, having fun while hanging out and hooking up when they are hanging out having fun. When a woman feels ready and provided the guy doesn’t display too many unattractive behaviors that ruin her attraction towards him, she will bring up being exclusive. Men who try to lock women down before they are emotionally ready, will actually repel and turn women off, which leads to friend zoning, rejection or ghosting.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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