When a “recovering nice guy” first starts dating a woman who makes him feel like she is the ultimate woman or the dream woman he has always wanted, his weak feelings, insecurities and irrational fears can be so overwhelming that he becomes unsure of himself. He really wants things to work out with this woman that he is falling for. However, since this is the first time he has ever dated a woman who makes him feel this way, or it’s been a really long time since he dated a woman who made him feel this way, he usually will make the most mistakes at this critical time.
Men in this position will start to act dopey, submissive, feminine and weak. They will become un-centered. They will act in ways and say things that are totally inappropriate. These men make the mistake of assuming the woman feels the same way. This is a huge blunder! This is where it totally goes sideways for most guys.
A woman will sense weakness or incongruity in the man, and therefore back away and test his strength. If he fails the test, she will back away even more, her interest level will drop, and her tests will become harder and harder. As she starts to back away, the man will usually feel it. Most guys that don’t know what they’re doing, or guys that do not understand women will start to chase and try to force things with her. They try to get her to nail down her feelings in order to get some certainty and peace about where they stand. This will turn a woman off and cause her interest level to plummet faster than a lead balloon!
As I have stated many times before, women are emotional beings. They care about their interest level in you, but not your interest level in them to determine where the relationship is or is not going. A man’s job is to properly court and romance the woman of his desires to create an opportunity for sex to happen.
When a guy gets all serious and starts to bring up the subject of his future with her and relationships, most men do that without paying attention to or bothering to ask themselves if she feels the same way. Women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear. This allows her to feel the depth of her feelings and yearning for a man. When a woman can’t figure out where she stands with a guy, she calls her girlfriends to get their opinions and once she can’t take it anymore, she will ask him, or call him and say things like “I was thinking about you. I miss you. I want to see you. Have you been thinking about me? Etc.”
A woman wants to sense and feel the strength of her man and his ability to resist her. When she tells him to climax at the same time as her during sex, most of the time he will not. Why? He is not ready. He will climax when he feels like it. When she thinks he’s going to climax, but doesn’t, it communicates his strength and worthiness. He may even let her think he is about to climax with her. However, she will climax by herself as he continues to resist her. After she climaxes, she will keep moving and he will keep resisting her until he is ready. By the time he finally explodes, she has had several orgasms and is waking up the neighbors!
This same principle applies when it comes to expressing your emotions towards a woman. You simply want to hold out a little longer than she does. This will build the sexual tension.
When a guy can’t wait and blurts out his true feelings for her, it dissipates the sexual tension. There is no challenge. There is no wondering where she stands with him. She knows. That is boring to her as well as predictable. Being predictable and boring will cause a woman to lose interest in you.
The following is an e-mail from a phone coaching client of mine. My comments are (in bold brackets like this) in the body of his e-mail:
I managed to find someone awesome. She is really cool, always testing me, but in a good way to keep me on my toes. I met her about a month after she was dumped from an engagement, so she was a bit “conservative” with me the first time we met (she was protecting her heart). She is actually the friend of my good friend’s girlfriend. This being the situation, the last several weekends, I have seen her a ton, just because of our mutual crowd. She usually ends up spending part of the weekend at my house if not most of it after bar time having bedroom olympics (most fun two human beings can have with their clothes off). We have talked about keeping it just to the physical/non-commit due to her recent relationship problems, but I find myself wanting her more because of this (stop! You better check yourself before you wreck yourself. Keep it casual until SHE SAYS she wants more. Until then, have fun and keep your feelings to yourself. This girl should still be on probation with you. Plus her emotions could be all over the place. Stay the freinds with benefits for now and ENJOY YOURSELF!). I have not felt this much emotion in myself in a long time (I told you this would happen. Chicks like this one are worth the wait. All the other women were practice for this one. However, its way too early to be doing a touchdown dance. You need to keep properly courting her so she falls in love with you). I feel reluctant to ruin the good thing we have, and a bit scared of making it serious (she will be the one to make it serious). I find my mind wandering to her all day though even when I’m extremely busy at work. I always feel like my emotions will cloud my judgment (that is why you need to have the interest level table that is found on page 120 of my book memorized!), and I really needed to come to you for advise (see, aren’t you glad you got a coach who can help you always do the right thing when you are unsure of what to do?). In my mind, I feel you are going to tell me to sit down with her and speak from the heart (no way. Its way too soon for relationship talk. You start talking about your future with her or a relationship, and you will dramatically lower your chances of having a future with her), and maybe I just need you, as my mentor, to calm my irrational fears. I need your help though because at some point I am just going to burst at the seams. (For now… shut yo mouth lol. Keep your feelings to yourself. Its way better at this early stage that she thinks she likes you more than you like her. Less… really is more. Reciprocate slowly. Keep her chasing you. Spilling your guts now is way too early. It causes you to be the pursuer which will cause her to back away. Let her do that (spill her guts) if she wants to. Just continue to create romantic opportunities for sex to happen between you two as you date her. Be mysterious. You must let the sexual tension build. Take her passionately and ravish her when you are with her. When you are not, let her wonder where you are and what you are up to. That is how she will fall in love with you over time. Once she’s head over heals in love with you, then you can slowly let your feelings out. If she is chasing you, she can’t be getting rid of you.)
All the Best,
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“To be what we are, & to become what we are capable of becoming, is the only end of life.”-Robert Louis Stevenson