Why you should never date or try to date women who are shy structured women with no enthusiasm for you.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss 2 different emails from 2 different viewers. The 1st email is from a viewer I answered a previous email in, “The Kiss Test: Multiple Failed Attempts,” and he writes in about a recent date with a shy, structured low interest woman that went nowhere.
The 2nd email is from a viewer who got stood up by a girl from a dating app. Then he contacted her again, and she kept the date he set. They almost hooked up, but after talking with her and finding out about her past, he realized he should have never gone out with her and had an epiphany. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the bodies of their emails.
Both of these emails really illustrate the point of the difference between women that really aren’t that into you, for whatever reason. Maybe they’re shy, maybe they’re structured, or maybe it’s just low interest, low enthusiasm. You want somebody’s who is excited to spend time with you, and all too often, us guys project that high interest. But these are good emails to learn from, so you know what to look for and what you want to avoid, so you don’t go and have dates like this – spend your time and your money on somebody that gives you the cheek at the end of the night.
First Viewer’s Email:
I am the guy from “The Kiss Test: Multiple Failed Attempts.” Since then, I have read the book 4 more times, worked on myself and found more success in my life – a promotion at work, my first house, fitter, and going on higher quality dates. Thank you for giving your gift each day.
I met this woman on a dating app, and it was relatively easy to set up the date. We met at a bar and the initial vibe and conversations were just okay, just chatting about life in general. It was quite loud, and we walked to the next venue nearby where it was nicer and quieter.
Yeah, these are things that you’ve got to kind of think about beforehand. And I mentioned that in “3% Man,” if you’re going to go to a bar or a jazz club or something like that to listen to music, you’ve got to be far enough away from the stage and speakers where you can actually converse and talk. So, that sounds like a little bit like the guy was slacking on the logistics issue, because it’s pretty hard to get to know somebody on a first date when you can’t hear each other or can’t hear yourself think.
It was a private club, I knew the staff there and they were friendly to me. She seemed impressed that I am a regular and seemed to know everyone there. The conversations and vibe got better.
Yeah, because you could actually converse, super important. You’ve got to think about these things. Too many guys go out on dates, they’re applying what’s in the book, and they’re thinking, “Oh, it’s going probably take me several dates.” They go out in the first date, they follow what’s in the book, and the girl is ready to sleep with them, but they’re like 45 minutes away from their house, or an hour away, or some weird logistical thing is going on. They didn’t think ahead.
She was enthusiastic, seemed excited and asked many personal questions about me, doing 80/20 of the talking.
In other words, she was doing 80%, and he was doing 20%.
She got more relaxed, sat a little closer, and at one point, intentionally sat such that our legs were touching.
Well, that’s a good sign.
We talked about her parents, siblings, friends, travel and her life growing up. I was surprised at how similar we were! For instance, she had volunteered for 5 years at the same charity I am volunteering at now. I was being playful throughout, tried some light touching on my part but noticed it was not reciprocated, so I stopped.
He’s doing correctly what’s in the book, which is when the woman starts bumping into you, you slowly reciprocate. He started to slowly reciprocate and went no further.
Later on, I tried the kiss test by looking into her eyes/lips, but she wasn’t looking at my lips.
That should tell you a lot.
I led her by exploring more of the place into different rooms to make it more of an experience. I noticed she was cold, so I gave her my coat. The conversations and vibe were good throughout the night, but there was still very minimal touching from her. When walking to different rooms, there was also no bumping into me. I still kept my hands to myself.
The idea is, it doesn’t mean she’s definitely, always 100% going to do this. It’s as she feels comfortable, as she feels more attracted. But the good news is he’s observant. He’s watching these things, these little subtle buying signals, if you will.
At some point she pulled back, sat down with legs not touching and she put her bag between us.
So, what you’re seeing there is something happened. Maybe it was something he said, something he did that turned her off. If you’ve ever been in a room full of women and you’re telling a really good story and they’re all attracted to you, and everybody’s body language is all pointed toward you, and then you say something self deprecating or something that makes you look weak, you’ll notice in unison all the ladies, their legs will cross the other way, away from you. It’s amazing how that energy and that vibe changes like that.
As a man, if you express interest or you express weakness with women that are attracted to you, that literally will have a physiological response. It happens subconsciously. It’s pretty fascinating to watch. And that’s why, if it’s not going to make her more attracted to you, if it’s not going to make you look more masculine, more strong, more interesting, more attractive, keep it to yourself.
If you don’t believe me, just try it next time you’re in a room with women you know like you, and you’re holding court, and you’re having a conversation, and they’re all leaning towards you, their knees are pointed in your direction with their legs crossed. Say something that makes you look weak, and you’ll notice all the knees in unison, they’ll change the other way. Without even thinking about it just happens.
I was unperturbed, just continuing chatting. Eventually she put her handbag away and sat closer until our legs started touching. We were teasing, and she finally touched my arm and my leg slightly. I still kept my cool. After a while, she pulled back again. Finally, I walked her to her place, and also no bumping into me. At the end she said she had fun, and I kissed her before heading home. I felt as if she didn’t really kiss back.
So, he kissed her and was just, “Eh.” Maybe no tongue? That’s a buzzkill. The whole night, you’re trying to show her a good time, and it’s just, “Eh.” You’re looking for enthusiasm. These are things that you can avoid by vetting her when you’re talking to her. This is why if you’re doing online dating, you should do a phone call, ideally a FaceTime or a video date if you can, because you can read her body language better. And at least with a phone call, you can hear the tone her voice. If you can’t carry a conversation with her over the phone, you don’t need to meet in person.
But a lot of guys will make dates off the app and meet the girl and then go, “Ugh.” Trying to talk to her is like pulling teeth. And then you’re sitting there, you got all dressed up, you used up a space in maybe you’re one free night a week that you had open. You go on a date, and you’re spending money there, sitting, talking to a girl that’s just, “Eh.” That’s a buzzkill, that’s disappointing.
So, you’re out your time, you’re out your money, and you get a “Eh” for a kiss. Was the juice worth the squeeze? I would say not. But again, this is important. Whether you want to cold approach or whatever, the conversation has got to flow. You want to see enthusiasm, and if it’s not there, you can’t make it happen.
The date was last Friday, and it is Tuesday now and it’s been no contact ever since. I will send her a follow up text tonight. I think her attraction level is low, in the 50-60 range.
So, 5-6 out of 10 range.
Did I do everything right by not being pushy? Was she shy or just simply not that interested?
Yeah, it didn’t seem like she was that interested. But your practicing and you’re like, “Well, let’s see what happens. Maybe she’ll be a little more interested the next time.” This email came in a couple of days ago, so I assume he reached out to her. So, maybe he’ll send us a follow up and let us know if she responded, or she ghosted, or whatever. It would be interesting to see what happens.
But in this next email, you kind of see what happens. This particular dude got stood up, and then afterwards he texted something back to her after she stood him up, and then they ended up having a date. And I won’t spoil it, but the whole intent here is the lack of enthusiasm. The lack of “Hell yeah, I’d love to see you.” And so, when you don’t get that excited vibe to be with you when you’re asking a girl out, these are the consequences of it. So, this is a really good email to end the the video with.
Second Viewer’s Email:
My name is Bob, and I wanted to write to you about following your instincts. I have been following your work for a few years but have only read 3% Man 3 times now, and as a result I’ve paid the price. Every time things started going well, I started getting complacent and things eventually fell apart.
So, what happened was you started displaying attractive behaviors, which are in “3% Man,” or I’ll say, accentuating your attractive behaviors. But the longer you were together, you’re like, “Okay, I’m going to go right back to the way I was.” And then you go back to displaying mostly unattractive behaviors, and it turns her off predictably. It’s as predictable as the sun coming up in the East and setting in the West.
And so, if you want to be an attractive man and keep your girl attracted, you’ve got to behave in certain ways that are masculine and attractive. And if you’re not disciplined enough, you’re going to suffer the consequences of it.
I guess I learn the hard way. Anyway, today’s story is about red flags. I started talking to a girl on Bumble, and we hit it off pretty well. I made sure to keep the texts short and to get the phone number to set a date. The phone is for setting dates and not getting to know each other.
Well, if you’re meeting a girl online, you should chat with her for at least ten or so minutes just to see how the conversation goes. Because you want to screen out women that aren’t really that into you and that you don’t click with on the phone. Because, obviously, if you’d met her in person, this wouldn’t have been an issue. You would have already noticed the enthusiasm wasn’t there.
But if you’re just strictly doing online dating, I would do the additional step to talk to the phone. There’ll be some girls that won’t want to do that and they’ll dip out, and that’s okay. You want women that are flexible, that are submissive, that will do the things you like and the things that you ask – not be combative, not go, “I don’t like talking on the phone.” So, if you get that kind of an attitude, just move on. Swipe onto the next one.
I picked a venue and a time, and she said she was excited to see me. The day of the date arrives, and we have a few brief exchanges, as I had a solo hike planned. Two hours before the date, I reached out and she told me she was going to be late. I said no worries. I showed up at the meeting point and waited for 30 minutes. I messaged he, “Hey I am here.” No reply. I could see she was online but did not reply. An hour passed, and I asked her if she was coming. Still no reply, so I went home and left it at that.
How rude is that? I mean, she did it on purpose. She’s just so selfish, so narcissistic, so self-centered. She lets a guy get ready and go to a venue. He’s sitting there waiting for her, and she gives him the impression that she’s going to show up. Then she just blows him off like it’s nothing. And unfortunately, if you’re going to be doing online dating, these are the things that are going to happen. It may even sometimes happen in person.
This was the first time I had ever gotten stood up and it bothered me. Two weeks have passed, and since rejection breeds obsession, I finally reached out passive aggressively saying, “Your loss.”
You’ll see her behavior and the way she treated him and why she responds to this. You’ll understand when you hear about her family situation. You’ll go, “Ah! I’ll connect some dots.”
She replied instantly and she said, “I like the fact that you see your worth.” I used that as leverage, we started talking again, and I booked another date.
I would have never done that.
This time she had to travel to me, as I was not going to risk it again, but it would be a bar near my house in the evening. The day arrived and she showed up. We had a good date, and I was able to take her back home to my place, but the indoor Olympics did not happen, as she said she was feeling sick with the flu. So, we just watched TV in bed, as I could not make any advances.
Two steps forward, one step back. That’s what’s in the book. He’s read it three times. So, I would say, probably more than likely, he didn’t understand two steps forward, one step back. And so, he probably tried to advance things, she said, “No, I’ve got the flu,” so they just hung out there.
In my mind, I thought this was just a test and she’s not sure about her attraction to me.
You don’t know the book. The bottom line is she came home with you and is in your bed.
I used the time to learn about who she is and thought of the type of women to avoid in 3% Man.
So, here’s the reason…
I learned that she is not close to her family, dislikes her father, hates her home country of France, as it’s too macho, (toxic masculinity)…
Sounds like she got some of the feminism virus.
…had 2 abusive 5-year relationships that ended with the police…
It just gets better and better.
…lied to immigration to get into Canada, does not believe in relationships, kids or marriage.
Gee, I wonder why she stood you up. She’s got daddy issues and she probably did it on purpose just to give you the middle finger, because she’s pissed off at men. Really, she’s pissed off at her dad because he was a bitch, or was a bitch. I don’t if he’s alive or not. But the bottom line is her dad was a bitch, not a man. And so this is the result.
She also threw in the fact that she had a sugar daddy and willingly slept with married men.
She doesn’t care about loyalty, monogamy. I mean, who’s going to teach her this? She’s like, in survival mode. She doesn’t trust anybody, she doesn’t trust men. Obviously, her father was never there for. And so she gets involved with guys that she can take advantage of. And when she gets on a dating app, she made a date and she thought nothing of just blowing this guy off.
And the only reason she goes out with him was the fact that he called her out, put her in her place. All I said was “your loss,” but she liked that. And then she goes and keeps the date with them. These are the kind of women you’re like, “Oh, yeah, you’ll just treat them like shit, and they’ll love you.” With these kind of women, yeah, that actually works for them. Because that’s the way the father treated them. If you treat her like the father and you trigger her, you make her feel the same way.
The next day, we said goodbye and that was the end of my interaction. The moral of the story is when something starts off bad, there’s no point in continuing.
Yeah, it sucks that she stood you up, but you did have an opportunity to redeem yourself. But it’s probably better off that you did not, because you would definitely not have been the first guy in that hallway.
I could’ve just left it at being stood up, but this offered me some peace of mind as to why she is not date-able.
Hey, market research, you know. And thanks for sharing it, because everybody that watches this video can learn from it as if they experienced it. And so, again, the shy, structured woman, women that stand you up, women that you don’t talk to in the phone through online dating, you have to vet people properly. Because otherwise, you end up with this. You end up wasting your time, you waste your money, and then you have a bad experience.
So, you’ve got to do the little things. But I mean, you learn through pain, right? Pain is life’s change agent. It’s life’s way of saying, hey, what you’re doing is not working. You need to change your approach. But again, in these emails, you’ve got two mediocre girls that just don’t really care, yet they still go out with you.
But what’s the net result? Not somebody like the second case. You’re not going to want to date that girl. You’re not going to have a relationship with her. She doesn’t have the goals, doesn’t have the values. She doesn’t care. She belongs to the streets. You can’t fix it. You can’t work with that. You just hook up with that, and then you move on. But like I said, I wouldn’t even mess with that, because there’s probably been a lot of dudes. You might have a body count in the hundreds by now, who knows?
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.
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