Why it’s never a good idea to make your woman your mommy or therapist.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss a recent comment on a YouTube video. The guy says that he has been struggling in his professional life, and as a result, he started to hate my work and blame me for his problems. However, he discusses other people’s work and says that my work has nothing on vulnerability as a man.
You can tell from his email he is hurting and wants to cry to his mommy because life is hard, but nobody cares about his problems, your problems or my problems and they’re glad we have them. I tell him what to focus on instead. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
From The 10 Disciplines of Love, I’m going to go through The Discipline of Loving Truth. It talks about vulnerability, the difference between men and women and how that should be expressed in a relationship. My goal with teaching what’s in How To Be A 3% Man is so men start acting like men are supposed to act, so they display their most attractive selves.
When I’m doing phone sessions with guys that are married or in long term relationships that are having trouble, I get them to get back to being the masculine men that they were, because it causes the attraction to come back. And it doesn’t matter whether it’s a straight relationship, a gay or lesbian relationship, there’s always a masculine one and there is always a feminine one. There’s always a sexual polarity. When both people act too similar, it ruins the sexual polarity and the sexual attraction, and their sex life dries up. And that’s a fact of life.
So, one of the things, I think was Ayn Rand that originally said, “You can ignore reality, but you can’t ignore the consequences of ignoring reality.” And the idea is everybody goes through difficult times. Everybody has difficult days. I have difficult days where I don’t feel very successful, I don’t feel very good about life or where I’m going, or things just happen. Problems happen, and you’re going to have difficult days. But the key is where do you live emotionally most of the time?
And the reality is most people, when they write it down, if you’re going to make a list of all of the emotions that you experienced in the past week, it’s usually pretty telling. Because for most people, when they get done with that list and then they look at the actual emotions that they experienced, it’s like, wow, that was a lot of negative emotions and very few positive ones. And that’s where most people live.
And if you’re trying to keep your woman attracted to you, and be the man, and be the leader of the household, you can’t be curling up in a ball crying about your problems all of the time. Because part of being vulnerable as a man is putting yourself out there and going for the things that you want in life, risking rejection, risking failure, risking things not going well. That is something that is absolutely key.
And if a man is going through a difficult time and he’s not taking action, and he’s continually crying the blues day in and day out, week after week, month after month, after a while, the woman is going to start giving up on him because she’s like, “This guy is not taking the leadership role in the relationship.” It’s going to cause her to not feel safe, not feel comfortable with him being the man in the relationship. And therefore, it forces her to move into her masculine, which she’s going to resent, because she got on his fun bus and started following his lead, and willingly submitted to him, and trusted his masculine core that he was always going to handle things, even when things were difficult.
But when you get into a rut and you make excuses, and it goes on and on and on for months and months and months, and yet you do nothing to take any action, you’re no longer being the leader. You’re no longer being the man in the relationship. You’re acting like a scared little girl. And that’s too bad. Life is hard. Nobody cares. Everybody’s got problems, and they’re glad we have them.
So I’ve got a quote that I wrote, and then we’ll go through his email. The quote says,
“Vulnerability is power to be aware of your shortcomings, flaws and faults, but to not be hijacked by them.”
And that’s what’s happening with this guy. He’s allowing himself to become hijacked by his negative emotions. And that’s where he’s living most of the time. So, yeah, he’s going to have a pretty crappy experience of life, because he’s not doing anything to help himself. Inaction breeds fear and doubt. Taking action breeds confidence and courage. When you’re feeling crappy, the best thing you can do is to take action to shape and change your destiny.
“To accept them, but not to be attached to them and using them to become a victim so you don’t have to take any personal responsibility to shape and change your destiny.”
That’s why socialism and communism and collectivism is so appealing to so many people, so many average people, because life is hard and they want their mommy to come and fix everything for them. And the thought of the state solving all of your problems and giving you money and housing and food and everything else sounds pretty nice, sounds pretty easy. You don’t have to do anything for that. You just get a check in the mail or it’s automatically deposited into your your bank account, and then you can just have fun.
That’s not the world we live in. And communism doesn’t work, it’s been tried in over one hundred countries, and it’s failed in every single one of them. It always ends in mass death and tyranny, because what happens is you concentrate power and it always ends up in a dictatorship. And then people go, “Well, it wasn’t real communism, because it was a dictatorship.” It’s like, the process of socialism leading into communism always ends in dictatorship, because you concentrate all the power in a small group of people, and what you end up with is a mafia, a ruthless mafia running your country.
All you’ve got to do is look at Venezuela, Hugo Chavez and now Maduro, or Mao in China, or Stalin in the Soviet Union, Nicolae Ceausescu, Pol Pot. I mean, there’s just a list that goes on and on and on, and the body count is over a hundred million. People go, “Oh yeah, but it wasn’t real socialism or communism. That’s never really been tried.” Of course it’s been tried, but it always ends up in dictatorship. But when people are struggling in life and the economy is not doing well, and you say, “Hey, the government’s going to come along and be your mommy and fix everything for you,” that sounds pretty good, because life is hard. It’s not easy. So back to the quote,
“Once you accept your flaws, faults and shortcomings, nobody can use them against you to manipulate or control you. For women, vulnerability is being open and receptive.”
Women physically receive men emotionally, mentally, spiritually and physically.
“For men, vulnerability is putting themselves on the line and taking risks, experiencing potential rejection and failure.”
Some of you guys may follow Jocko Willink, he’s a perfect example of this. Life is hard. It doesn’t mean you don’t cry, you don’t cry over the loss of a close friend, or for him, one of the men under his command. Of course you’re going to feel those things. But if you notice on his Instagram, every single day at 4:30 in the morning, he’s up getting after it.
He’s not crying. He’s not going, “Oh, I’m tired. Oh, I’m sore. I don’t feel good. Where’s my mommy, I want my pacifier.” He’s just getting after it. He’s just doing what a man does, day in and day out, week after week, month after month, year after year. He goes through difficult times, just like all the rest of us, but he doesn’t try to turn the women in his life into his mommy. He handles his business. That’s what it’s all about.
And so, I’m going to read something. I’m going to go through The Discipline of Loving Truth. This is number six. It’s on page 254 in my first book.
“The Discipline of Loving Truth: Vulnerability is power. Give the gift of heartfelt honesty, and commit to expressing it openly in this moment. Don’t let things build up. To be a woman is to be feminine. It’s being open and it’s being receptive. That it’s very powerful. It is the true essence of who she is. For a guy, being vulnerable is putting himself on the line, putting himself out there for potential rejection. You are expressing who you are on the inside. And while there is potential for pain, there is also the potential for great pleasure in expressing who you are.”
So, with that in mind, now, let’s go through his email — his short comment, I should say, because it’s a YouTube comment.
YouTube Viewer’s Comment:
I have question to you man. I have read your book 8 times and will be honest, since I got a little bit weak to work problems, I started hating your work.
My work is all about personal responsibility. It says right on my website, “I teach self-reliance.” So, if you’re a self-reliant human being, that means you’re relying on yourself. You’re not relying on your mommy, or your daddy, or your girlfriend or your wife to solve your problems, or your government to raise the minimum wage so you can make more. If you’re not happy with your income, you have to grow your reserve of knowledge and you’ve got to develop your gifts, skills and talents, because you get compensated based upon the value that you bring to the marketplace.
And with the internet, and YouTube, and websites and blogs, you can learn anything you want. You can become an expert at anything that you’re passionate about and become great at it, exceptional at it, and earn a good living. But how many people are actually doing that? Those people that are crying about minimum wage needing to be raised, “I need a living wage. I need somebody to pay for my health insurance. I need somebody to pay for my child care, so I can go to work.” How much time do those people spend on a weekly basis growing their reserve of knowledge? How much time do they spend developing their gifts, their skills, their talents, or reading a self-help book like “How To Be A 3% Man” or “Mastering Yourself,” which is a book about self-reliance?
Or my latest book, “Quotes, Ruminations & Contemplations,” which is two hundred and fifty different quotes where I read the quotes. These are from random articles that I’ve written over the last ten or twelve years, and then I freestyle just like I do in the beginning of these YouTube videos. And it’s a great book, especially the audiobook, for mindset. It ties in all of the concepts together. Somebody said the other day that they thought that my third book was my best work. So far, everything I’ve seen is five-star reviews and people love it. So, you guys, I highly encourage you to go check it out.
Which in fact gives me someone else to blame.
Yeah, because, “Hey, it’s not my fault. It’s Corey. Corey sucks. You know, his book sucks. His videos suck. I don’t like his voice. It’s all his fault that I’m not successful.”
I admit that, I don’t want to take responsibility, but here is my question to you. If you can’t expose your most vulnerable parts to your life partner, then to who can you?
Well, the point being is that you don’t want to live there, and that’s the problem. The tone of your email is “I want to make my woman my mommy, and I want to stay there.” And all I’m saying is, I’ll give you an example. Recently, I was hanging out with a really cute girl. We were talking and I was sharing something I did back in my twenties that I learned from, and I was using as an example of when I looked like a bitch to a woman that was really interested in me.
I see things that most people don’t see. Just because of what I do for a living, I’m an expert at human behavior, and especially body language. And so, as soon as I said that, even though I was smiling and I was just very matter of factly talking about a time back when I was clueless, this woman went from her body language being turned towards me, her knee pointed towards me, and out of the corner of my eye, she moves away and her legs crossed and go the other way, just for sharing something that made me look less attractive that happened like thirty years ago.
And so, I noticed that and I see that and it’s like, am I going to get mad at her about that? I just shared something that basically made me look like I was a bitch at one point in my life, which I was, but I’m not attached to it and I don’t feel bad about it. I was telling the story with a smile on my face on how I learned. But the instant I said that, I mean, her body language completely changed and turned away from me. And I see that and I observe that, because I observe things like that, that most people don’t see, and I continue talking. And then a few minutes later, she started to slowly move back over. Her legs crossed back towards me, her knee pointing back in my direction again.
It is what it is. Women are attracted to masculinity. They’re not attracted to displays of weakness. So, I’m not saying you can’t ever express your problems to your woman or your frustrations. It’s great to do that. But if you don’t do anything about it, then she’s going to think you’re a bitch, because you are being a bitch. You’re not taking any personal responsibility for your life, and you’re not doing anything to change anything. And after a while, if it goes on for several days, several weeks, several months or even years, eventually she’s going to leave you.
She’s going to lose attraction. She’s not going to want to have sex with you, because she’s not going to feel safe, especially taking the risk that she may get pregnant. Because if you can’t even take care of your own life, how are you going to take care of her and a baby? You’ve got to think about it from her perspective.
So, if you want somebody to cry about it with, go cry to your therapist, go hang out and have some beers with your buddies. But at the end of the day, nobody cares that you have problems. Nobody cares that I have problems. And they’re glad that we have them. So what? Life is hard. Life is dangerous. Wear a helmet. It’s like, cry more. You have to take action. Inaction breeds fear and doubt. Taking action breeds confidence and courage.
And if you want to be a self-reliant man who is attractive to women, or your woman in particular, or maybe you’re single and you’re trying to attract a good woman, you have to be masculine. Vulnerability is putting yourself out there and taking action, taking risk. And if you’re just crying about your problems, but you’re taking no risk to fix them, then you’re not being a man. You’re technically not being vulnerable either. You’re shrinking from your responsibility of showing up as a masculine man, and it turns women off.
I didn’t make women this way. If you don’t like it, cry to the big man upstairs, because I don’t give a fuck. I’m just here telling you the lay of the land that we find ourselves deployed in. So, come on, man. Nobody cares.
How is she ever going to get to know the depths of you? So, I can never be upset or show problems?
Sure you can. I get irritated and irritable, but don’t be a dick to other people and don’t live there consistently. Like I said, a great exercise, write down all of the emotions that you experienced in the last week. And you’ll probably be shocked at how many negative emotions are on that piece of paper, because most people are. I know the first time I did it, I was surprised, because we don’t really think about it.
I need to bottle them up and let it screw me up? If I have in fact do have a problem with the way she treats me?
You’ve got to feel it to heal it. I go into detail on how to do that in “Mastering Yourself.” I’m not going to go through it in this video, but there’s an explanation in there, there’s several pages on it, and it will help you. But you have to participate in your own rescue, and if you don’t read the book 10 to 15 times, that tells me you’re not really serious.
There’s so much information, there’s so much wisdom that’s contrary to what we’ve been programmed with and conditioned with by our society, our culture and what we learn in school, that you have to undo all this crap because it’s not correct. It’s not attractive behavior. And this is the kind of crap that you see from feminism. “Oh, talk about your emotions and your feelings and be a little girl, and women will love that.” It doesn’t work in the real world. That ruins the sexual polarity.
I think your work is spot on in a lot of aspects, but in regards to vulnerability there is nothing.
You simply don’t know what you’re talking about, dude, because it’s in the book. I just read part of The 10 Disciplines of Love, which is right there. But again, because you’re focused on being the victim and wanting sympathy for your problems, and you want your mommy and your pacifier, it’s like, nobody fucking cares, dude. Nobody’s coming to save you. You have to do that yourself.
I started reading Mark Manson stuff, and he on the other hand sees it more in the fact of intentions instead of playing indirect games.
I don’t know what you’re referring to on that, but Mark Manson did write, I think it’s a pretty good book that he wrote, “Models: Attract Women Through Honesty.” It’s like, that’s what my book is all about, it’s being authentically you. And if you understood the 10 Disciplines of Love, if you’d actually read the book 10 to 15 times, you would have learned this stuff, instead of bitching out and writing a hateful comment, trying to make me feel bad because you’re bitching out in your own life.
Now, I know the response of the rest of your goons, because I was one of those before, “You don’t get it.” I don’t care what they say, I want to hear from you.
Well, like I said, you’ve heard from me and I’m telling you, man the fuck up, dude. It’s like, nobody cares. If you’ve got good guy friends, go cry about your problems to them, because you’ve got to feel it to heal it. You have to experience the emotion so it moves through your nervous system and dissolves. So, just the fact that you’re writing this stuff in here, it’s like, you don’t understand my work and you don’t understand what I teach.
And I know, you mentioned it here, you don’t get it. It’s like, you’re right. You don’t get it, dude, because you haven’t put the time in. Most people won’t put the time in. It’s like all of the videos I have been released lately with Chunky and Gracie. You look at Gracie with the green juice, the smoothies, the problems she’s had with her skin, her nasal passages, all of the network care that we did with her, she felt better, she looked better, her nasal passages opened up.
But you’ll see, once we get through these series of videos — I think we’ve got over one hundred little short videos that we’ve been filming since February — she’s not really going to stick with it. And that’s how most people are. They don’t care.
My own dad is the same way. He’s got lots of health problems, but he’d just rather sit there and snort and sniff all his snot back up into his nose, instead of making green juice and taking the supplements and stuff that I’ve given him that make all that stuff stop. You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink. Most people just simply don’t love themselves enough and don’t care about themselves enough to do everything that’s necessary.
Now, it doesn’t mean I don’t love Gracie or Chunky any less, but at the end of the day, all you can do is lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink. You love people where they are. You can gently encourage them, but if they’re not going to do it, they’re not going to do it. And that’s on them.
It’s just like you here. If you don’t take action, if you don’t learn what’s in “How To Be A 3% Man,” if you don’t read this 10 to 15 times, if you don’t learn what’s in “Mastering Yourself,” — because this whole book is about mindset, and obviously the latest book is all mindset and all the different areas and things that I teach — the stuff is there, you have to put the time in. But if you’re not willing to do that, if you don’t love yourself enough to do it, that’s on you. It’s not on me.
You know, my life is going to be great. I got up this morning and I ran two miles on my treadmill. I ran six different mornings this past week out of the seven days in the week, and I got my three different workouts with weights this week. And I haven’t missed a day now for three months. Close to four months now, and I haven’t missed a day with weight training, and I’ve been to running and exercising a lot.
Almost every day, I don’t feel like getting up and going to the gym. Last night, I went and it was leg day. I didn’t feel like going to the gym, but afterwards I felt a hell of a lot better about myself and I felt good about it. I was groggy when I got up this morning. I just wanted to lay in bed, but I got up and I ran, because I had to do a video, and quite frankly, my videos are better and I feel sharper when I run beforehand and I have my green juice and stuff. So, I do these things because it makes me feel good.
I don’t like spending forty five minutes making Corey’s green juice. I don’t like spending the half hour it takes to make four days worth of smoothies. But I do it because I want to be able to breathe through both of my nasal passages, because I want to be healthy. I don’t want to have a runny nose. I don’t want to deal with hay fever. I don’t want to deal with all the health problems that I wrote about in “Mastering Yourself” that I used to have. I’ve been living this way for twenty years. And so, it’s just a matter of discipline.
Just like Jocko Willink gets up every day, takes a picture of his watch, 4:30, 4:32, 4:33. It’s always around the same time. He’s like, hey, I’m getting after it. I’m not crying, I’m not whining about my problems, I’m just handling my business. And that’s what men do. We handle our business.
Yeah, you can feel sorry for yourself and have a difficult day, and you can share it with your partner. But like I said, the example I was telling you, the girl I was sitting with, her body language completely changed when I talked about something that happened thirty years ago that made myself look unattractive. And it was unattractive behavior. But she wasn’t aware that her body language shifted. She just went from being attracted to me, to feeling unattraction in that moment.
And that’s just a five, ten second story that I’m telling, so you can imagine over days and weeks and months, when you’re just constantly negative and you’re crying about your problems and you’re not doing anything, how unattractive and undesirable you’re making yourself to your woman. I didn’t make women this way. It’s just the big man upstairs. You can complain to him.
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge that you’d like to get my help with, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book coaching session with yours truly.
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Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“Vulnerability is power, to be aware of your shortcomings, flaws and faults, but to not be hijacked by them. To accept them, but to not be attached to them and using them to become a victim so you don’t have to take any personal responsibility to shape and change your destiny. Once you accept your flaws, faults and shortcomings, nobody can use them against you to manipulate or control you. For women, vulnerability is being open and receptive. For men, vulnerability is putting themselves on the line and taking risks, experiencing potential rejection and failure.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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