Enforcing Your Boundaries With A Disloyal Woman

Why you must enforce boundaries with a disloyal woman who violates them.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a 24 year old viewer who dumped his now ex girlfriend of two years who he lived with for 3 months after he caught her texting her ex again. When they first started dating, her ex caused a lot of problems. He told her if she ever texted him again, he would be done. Well, he got busy with life and the MCAT test and she says he made her feel alone. So, what does she do? She started texting the ex again and he caught her. Now he is entertaining giving her another chance even though he originally told her he’d be done if it ever happened again. Now she is acting sassy, and he is trying to win her approval and validation instead of letting her earn another chance with him. He asks my opinion. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne and this is my video coaching newsletter. And the topic of today’s newsletter is going to be, Enforcing Your Boundaries With A Disloyal Woman.

Well, this particular email, I really can feel for this guy. He’s 24 years old and he dumped his now ex-girlfriend of two years, and he was living with her for about three months. And so, what he was saying is that, when they first started dating, I guess she was 21.

When they first started dating, her ex-boyfriend, I guess she was in touch with him, and he caused a lot of problems. And so, he basically set a boundary. He just said, “I’m not going to get involved. If I catch you texting that guy again, or talking to him again, I’m out.” So, fast forward to two years later, or so. I don’t know exactly.

But he said in the beginning. So, I would assume first 2 or 3 months of them dating, this ex-boyfriend was a real problem. And so, she committed to say, “That’s it, I’m done with this guy. I promise you, our relationship is more important. I won’t text the ex-boyfriend.”

“I know it’s important to you, because I know you see that as disloyal behavior. Cause I love you and respect you. I’m gonna. I’m going to submit to you, my man, and do what you say.” Right? That’s what we hope. This is part of vetting. You’ve got to give her the chance to follow through on her commitments, or to flake out and disappear forever.

And so, in this case, we know, unfortunately, she got back in touch with the ex. And so, he’s I guess in college, and he was taking the MCAT test. And so, he’s doing a lot of studying. And she’s like, “I feel very alone.” In other words, he wasn’t dating and courting her properly, because he was busy studying for the test.

And this is what happens to every guy, whether it’s the kids, or the MCAT, and college. Or studying for the bar exam or staying late at the office because he’s trying to climb the corporate ladder. Or he’s trying to grow his business. It’s like these things are going to happen. Guys are going to get busy.

Guys are going to get away from dating and courting their girlfriend properly, and they’re going to cause her to not feel heard and understood. And all she said was that “Hey, you’re studying for this test a lot. It makes you feel alone.” So, what’s she trying to communicate? “Hey, you’re not dating and courting me anymore. You make me feel like you don’t care.”

So, an insecure girl when she feels like her boyfriend doesn’t care, and she doesn’t really value loyalty, doesn’t really understand it. She wasn’t educated in it. And to her this is normal. She’s like, “Well, I’m not happy. So, let me start texting other guys I know to give me attention.” And that’s what she does. And so, he caught her. He broke up with her. And now he’s giving her another chance.

Even though he said he would be done for good. You can’t tell a woman two years ago that if she ever does this again, that you’re out, and then she does it again, you’re like, “Well, yeah.” I mean, it’s hard, you understand. They lived together. He loved her. He cared about her. He’s thinking, “man, this is probably the girl I’m going to be with. We might have a family together.”

This is great. Your family knows her. You know her family and friends. You’ve kind of co-mingled everybody together. And now you find out that she’s disloyal. You’re like, “Ugh.” That’s not something you want to go through. That sucks. I feel bad for the guy, but it ain’t his fault. She did this.

Yeah, he didn’t date and court her properly, but she has a character flaw. Not him. She does. And the only thing that’s going to make a woman like this change, if it’s even possible. Because it’s highly unlikely. Because they typically are always this way. Character is destiny.

Is her losing a guy like this, and him being adamant. It is like, “No. I told you two years ago. And I got busy with school and your solution is, oh, let me go get attention from my ex-boyfriend. You don’t respect me. You don’t respect our relationship. You don’t respect our history. You’re disloyal.”

“You don’t give a shit. Your word means nothing. Your commitments mean nothing. That tells me you have no intention of following through. I can’t be in a relationship with a woman that’s not going to follow through. I don’t want to co-parent with a woman who’s going to not follow through on the things that she promises.”

It’s like, “I’m out.” And she loses enough guys like that. Maybe she’ll change. But unfortunately, in our world, there’s so many thirsty dudes that’ll put up with shit like this. She’ll just, you know, she loses him.

The next guy will probably put up with it. I mean, after all, the ex didn’t seem to give a shit that she has a new boyfriend. He still wanted her back. So, with all that in mind, let’s go through his email and see the specifics of the situation.

Viewer’s Email:

Hey Coach,

I am 24 and my ex is 21. We dated for 2 years, living together for 3 months. I have been following you for two and a half years, and have listened to the Audio version 11 times.

Well, a man’s word should be his bond. If you tell a woman something, you should stick to it. You make a commitment; you stick to it. Now, if she doesn’t, well, then that’s on her.

In August, my ex said I made her feel alone with MCAT studying and work.

All that should have been when you hear that is, hey, you need to take her out and date her and make her feel more heard and understood and special, because you’re not. Doesn’t mean you argue with her, you go, “Oh, I got to study. Oh, you never get it. Ugh.” Just take it as feedback that she’s saying, hey, I want to spend more time with you. But he probably didn’t.

A few weeks later, I caught her briefly texting her ex.

Really! We get a little distant. I spend a little too much time studying. And your solution is, let me text my ex. Genius. She’s a genius. She’s a rocket scientist.

He caused issues in the beginning of our relationship. I told her then if she texted him again, I would be done.

Well. That’s your boundary, bro. If you want her to respect you as a man, you got to be congruent with that. And deep down, she knows that. And the fact that she knew that. And you told her she probably didn’t take you seriously, probably didn’t think you would enforce that boundary.

And quite frankly, as you’ll see later on in the email, he’s kind of waffling on it. And so, she’s kind of being sassy and disrespectful. And you can tell he went from, “I’ll potentially give her another chance with me.” To, “Oh, I hope I get another chance with her.”

And her behavior is just completely flipped now, now that he’s not sticking to his word. And on top of that, she’s being disrespectful and he’s taking it. And so, she’s jerking around because she doesn’t respect him as a man. Because he didn’t have the balls to be congruent with what he told her. He did break up with her, but now he’s waffling.

I felt I had to stay true to my word and I ended the relationship.

Well, be true to that and that’s it. What’s done is done. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust. She belongs to the streets. Send her ass back. I don’t have my mug.

We cohabitated for a month, continuing to hang out, have fun, hook up until I moved home. A month later I was in her town. She approached me at the bar, we left to hang out, have fun, and hook up.

Well, if you’re going to do that, you have to understand she’s just a fuck buddy. She’s friends with benefits. You’re never going to be exclusive with her. It’s like, it’s just sex. Friends with benefits. That’s it. “I’ll never be in a relationship with you again. Because you were disloyal. You were not a loyal girlfriend. And so, we can hook up and have sex.”

And I would recommend that you wear protection and not raw dog it because you don’t know what she’s doing. She is disloyal. So, you have to assume you’re not the only guy in there, throwing the hot dog down the hallway.

The following morning, we talked. She didn’t realize the gravity of her actions until I walked away.

Oh, yeah. I’m sure. She just didn’t take you seriously. She didn’t think you were going to enforce that boundary. Because quite frankly, most guys in society have validated that men don’t say what they mean or mean what they say.

She was very emotional and expressed how sorry she was.

Oh, I’m sure she’s really sorry.

She told me she blocked her ex on everything.

Sure, all she has to do is unblock him.

And would do anything I asked to prove herself.

Well, it’s like, two years ago that she made that same commitment. And here we are two years later. And she did not honor the commitment. So. Fool me once. Shame on you. Fool me twice. Shame on me.

“I want to become the woman you deserve.”

She could have done that two and a half years ago. That’s what she promised. And she didn’t keep that promise, did she? So. What are the odds of her following through on that? Survey says “X”! No way. You’re donesies woman.

I told her if she remained abstinent with everyone but me – not only for her class – but until I was ready and kept her ex blocked, I’d be open to trying again after my MCAT.

Bro. That’s the opposite of what you told her. You said you were done, right? Be congruent with that. Don’t waffle. That’s why she doesn’t respect you. Because you’re waffling.

She was confident she could comply.

What she was really confident is that you’re going to fold like a cheap deck chair, because the thirst is real, the Chocha, Corey you don’t understand. The Chocha is so good. I got to have more.

We hooked up again over Thanksgiving. I saw a lot of change and she had done everything I asked.

Whatever.

The following weekend I “rewarded” her by traveling to her. Hang out, have fun, hook up.

Well, doesn’t look like he’s following 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back either. She should be traveling to you. Can’t violate the principles in the book and be shocked that it’s not going well.

She expressed fears she had, specifically my parents accepting her back and more.

Because obviously he told her parents like, hey, I caught her texting the ex again. I kicked her ass to the curb. That should have been it. “Oh, we’re still kind of hooking up, friends with benefits. There’s no way I’m getting back together with her.” She belongs the streets, Mom.

I reassured her.

See now he’s like, “Oh please, Your Highness, give me another chance. After you were disloyal.”

She said she felt “emotionally connected” to me again.

Oh boy! Thank God.

She even slipped up an “I love you” before I left.

She’s laying it on thick.

She reached out 4 days later (12/02) but I was out and called her the following day. She was annoyed, but I smoothed it over.

“Please don’t get mad at me. I don’t want to piss her off. Corey. No, I want to piss her off. She’ll be mad. She’s gonna withhold the Chocha Corey! You don’t understand. It’s good. I must have it.”

I told her I was going to talk to my parents to reassure her they wouldn’t have an issue.

Uh, maybe you should listen to your parents a little bit more. Because if I was… Normal parents would be like, “Hey, she belongs to the streets. She’s not loyal. Texting the ex-boyfriend when she lives with you, because you weren’t giving her enough attention for a few weeks. Fuck off.” These hoes ain’t loyal. These hoes ain’t loyal Coach.

The next day she texted twice and called but I was asleep. I responded in the morning (12/04) where she called me to get the specifics. Our phone call lasted 10 minutes before she had work. She was very emotional but felt motivated to prove herself to me and my parents.

Oh yeah, really motivated.

After work, she called me again. We planned a FaceTime wine date for Monday. She mentioned two things that I didn’t think anything of until after our call. 1^st her friend and mom knew details about us. 2^nd she had to write a reflection for her class about her experience abstaining from sex.

Huh?

I rationalized calling her back by finishing the conversation that night. I told her it would make me feel more confident in rebuilding trust if I could read her reflection.

“Oh, Mommy, Mommy, can I read your reflection? Oh please, please pay attention to me.” See how the power is flipping here. He’s not really trying to create the conditions where she earns him back. It’s like, he seems like he’s acting like a guy that screwed up, and he’s trying to earn her back. And all this is going to do is cause her respect to go, “downward” and into the toilet, which you’ll see in a minute here.

She shared some of what she planned to write. She said not to overthink anything and trust her.

“Oh, I totally trust you. You’ve been disloyal multiple times, but I trust you.”

I asked what she discussed with her mom/friend since I shared my parents’ opinion. She explained and expressed she was nervous to tell them everything. I reassured her there was no rush. I was confident I’d win them over.

I’ll win your family over. You notice it went from she screwed up to now he’s acting like he’s the guilty one. Dude, bro. Do you see how that works? Do you see what happened here? You see how the power just, “Bloop” flipped right around?

Now you went from possibly giving her another chance, to now you’re begging for her and her family to accept you back. When she was the one that was disloyal. Come on, dude. Have some self respect, dude. Fucking, come on.

Six minutes into the call I asked if there was anything else she was worried about. She got sassy saying, “You called me. Is there anything you’re worried about?”

Mr… Mr. know it all.

I knew she was overwhelmed with the two essays she had to write.

No, she’s an asshole. She’s a disloyal asshole. But you started acting like a beta male. And flipped it to where the whole vibe is, you’re hoping to get another chance with her and her family. She was the one that was disloyal, dude.

I said, “Let’s put this behind us now so our next conversation can be fun. I don’t like talking to you when you’re sassy. You must’ve not had your coffee today.”

That’s pretty good.

She said, “I’ve had two but don’t talk to me then.” I replied, “I’ll call you again in 20 minutes when I remember something else.” She said, “Please don’t.” And we ended the call.

I haven’t heard from her today and it has me overthinking. I replay every interaction in my head, where I went wrong, if I lowered her attraction, etc.

Dude, she was fucking disloyal. She was texting the ex-boyfriend, potentially to get back together so he could rearrange her insides, and she could cheat on you. She’s fucking done. You got to be man enough to kick her to the curb like you said you were going to do.

Instead of acting like a fucking beta male, jumping through your ass, begging her mom and her family, in essence, to give you another chance. She’s the one that was disloyal. It’s like, seriously, dude, have some self respect.

I know I need to “let the cake bake.” I need to be better about trusting she’ll do what she says.

Bro. She’s a liar. That’s what she is. Her commitments don’t mean shit. She made promises to you two years ago, and she didn’t keep them. That’s it. After initially violating your boundaries, you gave her a second chance two years ago. She said she was complying.

She said she was going to do whatever it takes to win you back. And then what happens? She does exactly the same thing. And here we are two years later, and she’s gone. I’ll do whatever it takes to win you back.

And instead, she’s copping a fucking attitude. Why is she copping an attitude? Because he’s acting like a bitch, and she knows he’s acting like a bitch, so she doesn’t respect him. And women can’t love a man they don’t respect.

Advice on not overthinking and self sabotaging?

You should be dating other women, bro. She’s not going to be loyal.

Advice on communicating when she reaches out since we’re 3 hours apart.

Thanks Coach

-Bob

I guess because of college and stuff. It’s like, who fucking cares, dude. You shouldn’t be calling or texting her, or setting dates, or any of that crap. You should have the attitude, “I’ll be back in town when the next semester starts in a couple of weeks, and you know you can reach out then.” Never, ever call this woman again for any reason. But to see how it went from the beginning. Like, “Oh, I’ll give you a chance.” To, you’re basically begging her to give you another chance.

It’s like, that’s so pathetic, dude. It makes you look pathetic. And she’s not going to be loyal to you. This is who she is. I mean, I’m sorry to tell you that, but you were the one that said, “Hey, if you ever do it again, I’m gone.” And then she did it again, and you’re like, I’m gone. You’re like, oh, well, maybe not. Maybe I want to come back. It’s like, I know it sucks. You don’t want to be breaking up during the holidays at the end of the year.

But it’s like, hey, man, this has nothing to do with you. This has everything to do with her. Yeah, you got busy. You got caught up in life. But this is what happens. You’re with a disloyal woman. Instead of her complaining and focusing on your relationship and trying to make things better, she’s calling another man. An ex-boyfriend. Not just some dude, not some male friend from the office.

She’s calling her ex-boyfriend or texting her ex-boyfriend. Why? To potentially go and hook up with him again. Not because she’s exchanging cooking recipes, or Christmas cookies, or yoga routines. She’s contacting her ex because she’s thinking about fucking him again. That’s what’s going on. You don’t give another chance to a woman like that. It’s like, if you’re in town and she wants to hang out, have fun and hook up. Sure, whatever.

If that’s if you’re down to do that. But the more time you spend with her, the longer it’s going to take for you to find somebody else. Have the balls and be man enough to be congruent with your words, dude. Because when you tell a woman one thing, and then you do the opposite, they’re not going to respect you anyways. Especially a girl that’s disloyal to you like this one is. She belongs in the streets.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.