In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who is in college. Recently, he asked out a woman from one of his classes. He says she was showing signs of interest and attraction. She was playing with her hair, touching him playfully, laughing at his lame jokes, etc. However, once he asked her out, she told him she was busy throughout the week and would get back to him regarding a day and time she was free.
He will obviously see her again soon, since they are in the same class together, but he wonders what he should do if she still has not contacted him about their date before they see each other the next time. I tell him what he needs to focus on and how he can shake things up a little bit in class to either get her off of the fence about him, or find someone else who enthusiastically makes time for him. My comments are in (bold parenthesis like this below) in the body of his email.
I just want to say, your book has helped me a lot! I have read your book 7 times now. I am on the 8th and watch your videos daily. Now, to the point… I have a very attractive girl in my class. I’m in university. I got her number, and I asked when was she free. She told me she was busy throughout the week, and said she would get back with me, an excuse for “no,” so I have not texted her at all. (A lot of guys in that situation tend to fall under what I call The Illusion Of Action. When they don’t hear back from a woman, they think they have to do something. When you do that with a woman who has multiple guys asking her out, she might say she’s confused, because she doesn’t know which guy she likes. However, it’s a scientific fact women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear, and “Dating Is Like Tennis,” so you have to wait for her to hit the ball back over the net. If she really likes you, she’ll hit it back. If she doesn’t, then you’ll know where you stand. Trying to force her to make a decision could blow your chances, especially if her attraction level is at a five or six. The guy who’s doing the opposite from everyone else and she doesn’t hear from very much will be the one she’s the most curious about. She knows where she stands with the other guys, but the guys who are able to resist her and are not diminished when she doesn’t get back right away are the guys she will invest more time with, since they are more scarce in her life.) I have never texted her anyway, since we see each other twice a week. Since she said no, should I sit somewhere else? (Do you really want to spend your time or money on someone who treated you this way when you tried to give her the gift of your time? Think of the outcome you want, and look for someone who communicates they really value you.) She sits right by me and actually moved to sit by me. What doesn’t make sense is, I know I messed up somewhere, but she was giving me all the signals: hair tossing, slow fondling of her hair, touching me, hitting me playfully, laughing, smiling, etc. (You don’t know this woman yet. She may show the signals and like the attention, but is waiting on another guy. She has disqualified herself from you. You should be on to the next one.) Should I move to another spot in the room? (Absolutely, especially if there’s a pretty girl there.) I was also debating on moving to see if she follows me. (If you’re focused on your outcome, you’re not going to sit in the same place, because you’ve already made an attempt to make a date with her, and her response was less than acceptable.) It’s a very small class, 24 people. I’m still friendly. You know, the usual “Hi,” and “Bye,” but I keep it at that. I don’t care that she is not interested. To succeed you must fail, and every failure is a learning experience. (It’s so important to interact with enough members of the opposite sex so you can see the patterns I talk about in my book. Keep moving. Keep circulating. Keep looking for someone else. Stay focused on your outcome and the kind of relationship you want. Repetition is the mother of skill.)
Much love Coach,
P.S. Dude, you fucking rock!
“When we want or feel like we need someone or something really bad, we often tend to get caught up in our fantasy of what we want and ignore the reality that what we want does not seem to want us back. This is where focusing on our outcomes above all else, instead of individual people or things we want, prevents us from developing unhealthy attachments. When we become attached to someone or something, we set ourselves up to suffer unnecessarily when we want reality to be other than it is. Becoming successful at building our ideal personal and professional life is only possible when we co-create with like-minded people who want the same things. Never waste another second of your precious, limited, scarce and valuable time with someone once they demonstrate they’re less than enthusiastic about having you around and being on your team. Being with the right people is easy and effortless. Being with the wrong people feels like work, pulling teeth and swimming against the current.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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