How you should handle attracting your ex back when another guy she was seeing shows up unannounced.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who got dumped in February by his fiancé of 8 years. He was struggling with depression and his dad’s cancer treatments and wasn’t at his best. He stopped being the guy she fell in love with. He begged and pleaded at first, but then came across my work and over the last year got back to being the guy he used to be. Then he started hooking up with his ex again.
One morning as they were in bed together, a guy she had been seeing showed up unannounced and was crying, begging and pleading with her to be with him instead. She sent him on his way. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
This is an interesting email, because he’s in the process of attracting his ex back that he admits he drove away with excessive unattractive behavior. And so, it’s interesting that a guy shows up, because a lot of dudes would want to go out there and wreck shop on that guy, and that obviously would have been a bad way to go.
I have a win to share with you. My fiancé and I split after 8 years in February. I was struggling with depression, my dad’s cancer, working every day, all day… just wasn’t my best self and she left.
Women will stick around for a period of time, but if you continually don’t get your act together, they signed up to follow your lead and your leadership, but if you fall down on them for many months or years at a time, eventually, they’re going to get tired of the lack of safety and lack of leadership, and they’re going to leave. They’re there because they’re following your strength, and when you’re not displaying that, it’s going to turn them off. Every woman’s got a breaking point where she’s just not going to put up with it.
A lot of guys in the red pill community cry about that, like they want to be able to go through multi-year, multi-decade bouts of depression, or whatever, not getting their life together, and they expect the woman to just put up with it constantly when he’s not doing anything to help himself. Eventually, at some point, if you’re not willing to participate in your own rescue, your girl is going to tap out on you. That’s just a fact of life.
The breakup sucked. I did the wrong things and chased her further away. It was hell. Eventually, I discovered your work and started working on myself. I dramatically improved my appearance, got a raise, new truck and was dating other girls. I’d hang out with my ex from time to time but never consistently. I assumed it was over.
Well, if you’re the one that got dumped, if you’re the dumpee, you’re on the receiving end of the dumping, then the person that did the dumping, the dumper, is the one that’s got to fix it. So, it’s up to her – just like I talk about in “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back” – to do all of the calling, texting and pursuing. She was the one that blew the relationship up, therefore, she’s got to fix it. She’s she’s there to earn another chance with you, not the other way around. That’s the important difference.
That’s why you never chase. Even when she starts to come back, when you start hooking up again, you’ve got to let her do all of the pursuing. Because a lot of guys make the mistake of once the girl starts coming back and contacting them and they’re hooking up again, they go right back to calling and texting. And what happens is that gets in the way of her attraction growing. And so, it’s actually counterproductive, and it pushes out the the timeline that it’s going to take for her to fall back in love.
My ex reached out to me recently after my grandfather passed away and we started seeing dating again. This time I was in a different mindset. I wasn’t concerned about putting a label on our relationship.
Smart, because that’s feminine energy.
I let her do 95% of the calling/texting, and I was unperturbable when she tested me.
I would have let her do 100% of the pursuing because, again, she should be the one trying to earn you back. But I know it’s tough in those particular situations, and it just tells me that when she did start coming back, it didn’t really happen that fast, obviously, because we know that there was another guy that she was seeing. But the fact that he’s pursuing her when she’s the one that messed it up, that’s a mistake, there. I would not do that.
She was acting the way she did when we first met. Things were going well. One morning, I accidentally found a picture of her and another guy in her drawer.
Yeah, not what you want to see.
It was a gut punch. I found his IG, and he had pics of her all over his page.
Apparently, she didn’t have pictures of this guy all over her page, which is indicative of how she felt about him. If you’re important to her, you’re on her Instagram, and if you’re not, you won’t be there.
I struggled with it at first but eventually got control over my emotions and decided to remain unperturbable. She’s single, she’s hot, it is what it is. Not my problem. So, I never said anything to her about it. After all, I had dated several girls as well.
Well, you guys weren’t together, and at the end of the day, she’s supposed to be earning another chance with you. And you’re keeping your options open. You’re a free agent. Maybe somebody hotter and better looking comes along, and more fun, and more ideally suited to you. More goals and values in common, that kind of thing. May the best girl win.
This morning, she and I are sleeping in bed together when this other guy shows up at her house unannounced at 7:00 am.
Well, that sounds like fun.
He knew I was there, but I stayed in bed and let her deal with it.
That’s probably the best way.
He was crying, wanting a commitment and ‘reassurance.’ Because of you, I knew what this guy was doing wrong and that it would only piss her off. And it did. She sent him home, crawled back into bed with me and spent an hour explaining all of the needy, insecure behavior this guy had shown since they had met.
He helped drive her back into his arms. She realized that she had the best guy all along. And because he’s different, and he’s now behaving attractive once again, the attraction comes back, because the only thing that matters is how she feels about you. And so, he’s doing the right things to cause her to feel attraction. And plus, he’s got eight years with her, so he’s got way more leverage with his girl than this new guy that had come into the picture while they were split up.
He had been begging, pleading, controlling and chasing throughout their relationship. She was livid with this guy for violating her boundaries.
We talked about this in one of the podcasts with Jocelyn. She had a guy that she was dating, and he was kind of the same way, kind of needy. And she was like, “Hey, I’m not really feeling it.” She told him that she just wanted to be friends. And then the dude shows up like late, like 11:00 to 12:00 at night, knocking on her door, wanting to see her, and talk to her, and confront her. That went over like a lead balloon. That dude’s still in friend zone.
I just listened and tried to make light of it all. She apologized to me repeatedly. She thanked me for the way I handled it and said she’d get this guy out of her life today. I think this situation helped my cause tremendously.
Yeah, he’s displaying all of this unattractive behavior, which admittedly, a lot of it he was doing when he was trying to get her back. And so, he tried it himself. It didn’t work. This other guy tried it, it didn’t work. He acts attractive, she chose him. Pretty simple.
She got to see the contrast between this other guy and me, in real time. He was being needy, insecure, pushy and making her slightly fearful, while I was calm, confident, masculine and making her feel safe.
Well, you can also be under the covers with your pistol in your hand, just in case. Because you never know in these kinds of situations. I mean, the most dangerous types of calls that police go on are the domestic calls, potential domestic violence situations like this. So, you just never know. You never know what you’re dealing with. ABP, always be prepared. Carry all day, every day, ladies and gentlemen.
At the end of the day, if you’re an American, it’s your sacred duty to be armed, safe, and competent with firearms. That includes pistol, rifle, night vision, body armor, all the good stuff. All the goodies. I’m sure some of the the leftists in Europe are really going to hate that. “You damn gun nuts! You people, gun crazy Americans.” Americans are the equals of their government. That’s why we have guns. Simple as that. That’s why it’s in the Second Amendment. It doesn’t matter whether you like it or not. That’s just a fact of law and reality. And until you convince 75% of the country to do a constitutional amendment and 75% of the legislature, it’s just not going to happen.
I don’t know how this will turn out, but I do know that either way, I’ll be just fine.
Let her win you back. At the end of the day, like I said, I wouldn’t even be doing 5% of the pursuing. I’d let her do 100% of it. Because think about it from this perspective, you’re over there, and there’s some dude showing up when you’re in bed with her. It’s like, “I don’t want to deal with that. My life’s a drama free zone. Send this dude away. I don’t want this guy interrupting us when we’re having a good time.”
My advice to your listeners is that your teachings are a mentality, not a dating system.
When you have that mentality, this shit gets really easy.
Well, remember, like Tony Robbins said, “People will act consistently with how they view themselves to be, and it doesn’t matter whether the view is accurate or not.” In the beginning of the email, this guy was going through a tough time. He was depressed, his dad’s got cancer. He’s got a lot of reasons why things aren’t going well in his life. And so, his mindset’s not very resourceful, not very masculine, not very alpha in that state of mind. But he’s capable of it.
And so, when he came across my book, he accentuated the attractive behaviors that men bring to the table that attract women to them, and he stopped doing the things that the other guy was doing. So, he did it once himself, saw how it didn’t work, and he got to watch another guy do it with his ex fiancee and see how it turned her off, as well. And so, when you see those kinds of things in the real world and you experience them, it really helps you understand and lean into the mindset, because then you see it showing up in your life, “Wow! This stuff works.”
Just like I’ve said countless times over the years in videos, even if this is the first video you’ve see of mine, and you think I’m full of crap, if you apply what’s in “3% Man,” you will have better results. Your life will get better, your relationships with women will become more easy and effortless, and you’ll be able to spot the fruit loops, and the nut cases, and the women that you shouldn’t have anything to do with, so you can attract and have a drama free life.
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.
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