Figuring out what to do next after a breakup, so you can move on and put yourself in a position to attract your ex back or attract someone better.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who discovered my work two weeks ago after a breakup. He realized after reading my book that he acted like the alpha male in the beginning of their relationship, but over the course of six months, he started acting like a “beta bitch,” and this led to his girlfriend dumping him. She’s been in contact a few times since exchanging their belongings, but he has not handled his responses properly according to what I teach in “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back.” I discuss what he should do to fine tune his approach to give him the best chance for success with his ex, as well as keeping himself open to meeting someone better. My comments are in (bold parenthesis like this below) in the body of his email.
Like many people, I discovered your work about two weeks ago after a break up. Since then, I’ve purchased your audio book, and am on my third listen. Thank you for everything you do. Your insights are incredible. I really appreciate the no bullshit approach. (It doesn’t serve anybody to blow sunshine up your ass. I want to get you from where you are right now to where you want to be in as few steps as possible and as quickly as possible.)
On to my story… in July I met my now ex-girlfriend. The connection was instant and we hit it off. (Remember, attraction isn’t a choice. When two people really like each other, you really have to kind of get out of the way, let it happen and let the woman talk herself into falling deeper and deeper, or madly in love with you.)Without really realizing what I was doing, I played the role of the alpha male well, and within a couple of months, we had progressed into an exclusive relationship. Things continued to go really well for another four months or so. I love yous were exchanged, we met the parents, we discussed moving in together, etc. (That’s pretty quick to be talking about such serious stuff, especially when you’ve only had a couple of months of dating.)
We spent the holidays together, and then the shit hit the fan, and we broke up in early January. It caught me totally off guard. (Most of the time it does, and those guys never see it coming.)
She fed me some bullshit reasons about why we needed to break up, but long story short and after studying your work, I think it’s because I became complacent and started acting like a beta bitch. Despite not having discovered your work at the time, somehow I ended up following your principles of how to get an ex-back. I accepted her decision, said my piece, did not accept becoming friends, but left the door open should she change her mind. I was determined to walk and never look back. It’s been a month since the breakup.
(Many women will try and stick a guy in backup position and say, “Well, let’s just be friends and maybe something will happen in the future.” Never agree to that. You either get what you want, or walk away. The strongest negotiating position is being able to walk away and mean it. Agreeing to be somebody’s backup plan is always a weak position.)
Post breakup, I’ve stuck to my guns. It’s been hard at times, believe me. (Trust me, I know. I remember the first time I did this, and the reason I was willing to do it is because when I had done the opposite, when I had chased and pursued, eventually I would get permanent radio silence, which is the worst.)I only respond to her attempts to reach out. She has liked some of my posts on Facebook, but like you say, that means nothing. (If you’ve got an ex and he or she is trolling through your Facebook posts and liking them, you’re not going to do anything with that. I discuss that in my article and video, “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back.” You’re only going to respond, when they’re reaching out, if they’re sending you some kind of message directly.)
When we have been in contact, it has involved exchanging belongings. (Ideally, you should only exchange belongings only one time.) During these interactions, things have gone great. We’re back to laughing and flirting. (Always be playful and fun in these situations.)
During the second exchange, she told me I looked great in my new coat, and I took this to be a sign of interest and capitalized by saying we should get together sometime soon when are you free. Suddenly, she back-pedaled and said she had a lot going on this week, but might be able to meet the following week. So I played it cool and said “Okay babe. Check your schedule and see what works, then get back to me,” and went back into no contact. (The thing that’s important to understand when you’re in that particular situation is that 9 times out of 10, if she does contact you a week or so down the road, that’s when you assume the reason she’s reaching out to you is because she wants to make a date, and you do that.)
I hit the ball over the court, and now she needs to hit it back. (You did the right thing, because you tried to set a date and she gave you some BS answer. You’re interested in creating an opportunity for sex to happen. Hang out, have fun and hook up. If she’s offering you anything but that, you’ve got to assume that she’s just wasting your time. She’s got her finger in the water, just fishing around for info, trying to see what you’re really like. You’re still on the hook, in case things don’t work out with some other dude in the background.)
Since then, she has reached out to me once. She sent a weird message with a coupon for house cleaning, yes random as fuck, to which I replied, “Thanks, I will check it out. Gotta keep it so fresh and so clean.” (You made a mistake here. A woman is not going to reach out say ‘hey I want to see you’ most of the time. They come up with an excuse to reach out that really has nothing to do with why they reached out in the first place. If she’s contacting you, you assume she wants to see you, and you make a date. Obviously, you fumbled the football because you didn’t learn the “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back,” and you weren’t really properly prepared. You were too focused on acting cold and indifferent, instead of saying, hey she’s reaching out. Maybe she checked her schedule. The right response would have been, “Hey it’s great to hear from you. Thanks for the coupon. What did you figure out with your schedule? When are you free to get together?” Then you make a date.)However, she didn’t specifically reference meeting up so I didn’t press. (Again, as I say in the book and in “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back,” you assume the reason she reached out is because she wants to see you. Your job as a man is to be direct, be decisive, get right to the fucking point and make a date.)
Was that the right move? (Obviously not. You fumbled the football dude.) I know you say whenever a girl reaches out you should interpret that to be a sign of interest, but this seems like an ‘I want to get together and hang out’ message. Should I have read the situation or responded differently? (Yes, you should have set a date. It was a missed opportunity.)
For now, I’ve decided the best approach is to continue focusing on myself and my journey. I’m crushing it at the gym, down 15 pounds, in line to get another promotion and been applying the lessons I’ve learned from you by going out and dating other woman, 3 so far. (What’s helpful is, when you’re in this situation, you’ve got other options. It keeps your mind from getting obsessed with getting your ex back, and it keeps you in an abundance mentality.)I’ve been crushing the dates just hanging out, having fun, and hooking up. I feel like I’m making the right moves, but sometimes I falter and doubt myself, but I’m staying strong and haven’t caved. Do you recommend I do anything differently? Thanks for everything you do I appreciate your insights. (If she reaches out, assume she wants to see you and make a date. If you get a vague response, then you will stop asking.)
If you have a question you would like me to consider answering in a future Video Coaching Newsletter, you can send it (3-4 paragraphs/500 words max) to this email address: Questions@UnderstandingRelationships.com
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From my heart to yours,
Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“Things that are meant to be are effortless and do not require the application of force to make them happen. They require minimal effort. It’s an allowing or co-mingling of shared outcomes or desires. Directing traffic that’s already going the same way. People who like the same things tend to like each other, because they’re already on the path, or a similar journey. It’s never wise to try and make a relationship work when there’s a lack of mutual effort and enthusiasm, anymore than trying to force a square peg into a round hole.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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