How to avoid being friend zoned by a woman you want to date.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who met a woman a year ago, when he was with his ex and she was dating someone else. A year later, they were both single and agreed to get together. She flew in to see him for a day, but nothing happened because he never tried to escalate things physically.
She suggested they get together again and invited him to come visit and stay with her for a week. Once he flew in to see her, things went downhill fast and he got friend zoned. He cut the trip short and flew back home. He asks my opinion on where he went wrong and why her interest dropped so fast. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
There’s just a lot of little moments in this email where it’s like everything’s there on a silver platter, and he just fumbles the football. That’s why it’s so important to read my first book “How To Be A 3% Man” 10 to 15 times, so you don’t miss the little subtle cues of when she’s really into it, when she’s really feeling it, when to move forward, when to back off, and obviously he missed those cues. And in this case, he just kept continually missing them, and she came to recognize that he didn’t know what he was doing, and then obviously, she got turned off.
Hi Coach Corey,
I met this beautiful lady in North Carolina during a work conference in May, 2019. We had lunch then, but that was it. She was in a relationship with someone and I was too. We didn’t talk/chat the entire time, but fast-forward to May, 2020, we coincidentally became single. Since we live in different states, (I live in Chicago, she lives in Raleigh NC), and during the height of COVID, we couldn’t really meet in person, but we communicated quite a lot.
Yeah, don’t get me started on these lockdowns. All I can say is, I’m glad I live in Florida, and the rest of the people in California and Michigan with these commie mayors and governors, Jesus, man. You can’t legally lock people down, force them to shut their businesses, and then not write the check for it. And force people to go bankrupt, because you’re saving lives?
I mean, have you guys seen these the restaurants? You can’t have indoor dining, but you can have outdoor dining. And people are basically building restaurants out in the sidewalk with rooms and walls. It’s like, this is nuts, absolutely nuts. It just shows that most of our leaders are absolute morons.
We (actually she initiated) decided to spend a day in Nashville where I was catching a flight the next day to Chicago from a family trip. I was impressed that she’d fly in to spend time, (even if it was just for a day).
It definitely shows she’s got high interest. A woman who’s like, “Eh,” she’s not going to bother flying in to see you. So it sounds like a good candidate, a good opportunity, she’s got high interest. She’s got all of the things that you’re looking for to make a nice, beautiful, romantic memory.
Prior to flying in, she said she wasn’t comfortable staying in the same room, especially since it’s our first time meeting in a year, which I understood and agreed. We spent the day together, had lunch, hung a bit around town and dinner. We kicked it ‘til the a.m., but nothing physical happened.
Come on, man. That’s the problem. See, you you hang out with a woman all this time, and she could tell you like her, they’re not stupid. I mean, she flew in to see you. She literally offered herself on a silver platter to you. And then you don’t make a move? She’s going to think, “Maybe this guy’s gay, maybe he doesn’t like me.”
But usually they figure out, “He just doesn’t know what he’s doing, and he has no game.” And they don’t want to teach you. They want to be swept off their feet. They want to get caught up in a love story and be carried away, “It just happened.” Bad way to go, my friend.
Anyway, we flew back to our respective cities the next day, and as soon as I arrived, she asked to plan a trip for my birthday for us to celebrate and connect more.
She’s got really high interest, so, even still going to give you another chance.
We settled on a weekend trip in Asheville, and she also asked that I spend the week at her place.
That’s like tee-ball, man. You can’t even get a base hit with tee-ball? Come on, dude. Come on, man. That’s brutal.
She almost always was the one contacting me.
So far, so good.
I reciprocated with the same energy but not going overboard. She was overly excited about the trip and my birthday, but I was a bit cautious as this “high” might drop flat on its face. Well, I was right.
Well, the only reason you could fuck something up like that is you don’t know what to do. And so, this is what’s great about this email is that, you see this woman’s got a really high interest in this guy. He had a great opportunity and didn’t do anything.
And so you can make a lot of mistakes, a lot more mistakes, I should say, with a woman who has high interest, versus a woman that has really low interest or just barely enough, where she’s like, “Ehh, I’ll give him a chance. We’ll see if I like him or not. I’ll see what happens.”
Fast-forward to mid-September, I flew into town on a Thursday, she had this amazing birthday gift package.
Again, she’s buying you gifts. She really likes you, at least at this point.
But I guess I was too much of a gentleman that night, (being the first night at her place), by not doing anything physical.
You’ve got to get another ‘Come on, man’ for that. Come on, man. Jesus. Ohhh, so sad. But then again, I see things like this and I get flashbacks to my late teenage years, my early 20s, and I’m like, “God, it was so obvious,” but I had no idea.
The next day, Friday, we drove to Asheville. When we checked in, I realized she got a bedroom with 2 beds. I didn’t make a big deal, but I found that weird.
That’s an indication that her interest is going down.
Later that evening, she called me to the balcony…
Uh-oh, off to the principal’s office you go.
…and told me she felt “overwhelmed,” and it “felt like too much” for her. She said she has been feeling like that for days prior to my arrival.
She was just hoping to get her insides rearranged. She was hoping that you would just beat up her pelvis and fuck her brains out, and instead she’s going, “I have to tell this guy what to do? I’ve got to be leader?”
I told her I understood, but not to overwhelm/overthink things. Instead, she should let go and enjoy the weekend, (Saturday and Sunday), which we had activities planned.
So it just means she ain’t feeling the right kind of emotions that you want her to feel.
The next day, we went hiking and after we got back to the room, I stepped out briefly to get flowers…
Come on, man. You buy flowers for your girlfriend or your wife. I don’t even know if you’ve kissed this girl yet.
…and put some final/beautiful touches to our date that night. When I got back, we both were kicking it and she asked, “if I saw myself in a relationship with her?” I responded by saying, “Yes.” She then said she wasn’t ready to be in a relationship.
That, my friends, is what we call a loaded question. “If I saw myself in a relationship with her,” it’s like, “Well, we haven’t even kissed yet, so you can bring your cute little lips over here and kiss me, and maybe we can talk about it, but that’s kind of a big rush.” He was thinking, “Oh, this is my big opportunity, this is my big moment.”
I told her I didn’t expect a relationship now, especially since we’re just trying to know each other, but in the future, yeah. Well, that didn’t help much.
Yeah, because the damage is kind of done.
She said didn’t see such. I was soooo shocked, but kept my cool.
So in other words, what’s going on there is, she’s recognizing that, at least at that point, you’re way more into her than she is into you, and she’s thinking, “Wow, if I friend-zone this guy, is he going to be upset? Is it going to crush his ego? I don’t want to hurt his feelings.”
Anyway, we went to the scheduled dinner which she enjoyed, but nothing happened afterwards. I was uncomfortable that night, and by morning I told her I wasn’t comfortable being in a situation where she wasn’t ready to open up, (and not just friends).
It’s almost like saying, “How come you didn’t have sex with me yet?” She was right on a silver platter. Did you even read the book? Did you even read “How To Be A 3% Man?” It’s free at UnderstandingRelationships.com. All you’ve got to do is subscribe to the email newsletter. And you can read my second book, “Mastering Yourself” for free — a book of self-reliance, which I highly encourage.
We had scheduled a trip to the local farmer’s market but ended up driving back to her place about 4 hours away.
It sounds like you spent a lot of money getting a hotel room. Well, actually, I guess she booked the hotel room, but with two beds. That’s not a good sign.
Okay so, confession. I remember back when I was younger and dumber, I was on a date with this girl, we had gone somewhere and I got in this hotel that had two beds. And I remember looking at her saying I didn’t want to be presumptuous. I didn’t get laid on that trip. I did later on, though. A while later, I finally figured it out. But I’ve had plenty of facepalm moments in my history, so I can sympathize, but I’m still going to break your balls. Because it’s like tee-ball. She was right there, bro — right there, just for the taking.
On the ride back, she asked what I was going to do? I said I was going to schedule a trip back to Chicago.
In other words, “I’m outta here.”
When we arrived at her place, I asked her if I did anything specifically.
Yeah, like you’re going to get a straight answer to that question.
But she said none, but that she wanted a platonic situation.
Because again, she doesn’t want to hurt your feelings, because she doesn’t think your ego can handle it.
We chatted a bit, I went to sleep and flew back home the next morning. She texted me later saying she was sorry how our weekend and week was cut short, how it was different for her to invite someone she never really saw often to her place to stay that long.
Again, she’s trying to give you things to a logical man brain going, “Yeah, yeah. That sounds totally legit. Yeah, sure makes sense. Oh yeah.”
Besides, she made her mind based on what “God told her/ how her spirit felt.”
So in other words, what it really is, is her feelings, her interest dropped. But again, she’s trying to say “It’s the Lord’s fault that we’re not together. It has nothing to do with the fact that you didn’t seduce me when I was ready to be seduced.”
I was still in awe as to how 72 hours ago, and even before I showed up, she was all over me, but how quick she just dropped.
If you hesitate, you will masturbate, my young Padawan.
Since mid-September to now early November, our conversation has dwindled even though she still texts me every day and almost always calls midday and before bed at 11:30 pm, (as she used to), and I still dutifully obliged.
“Dutifully obliged?” Come on, man. Have some self-respect.
But as I stated in the beginning, I’ve given the ‘friendly/ friend-zone” its fair share, but am no longer comfortable with it as I’m still attracted to her/see more.
So, it sounds like you are accepting being stuck in the friend zone and continuing to be her emotional tampon. That doesn’t work.
Please, give your BRUTAL take on this situation and your opinion on how I can get out of this zone, and receive more of what I want from her and/or any lady moving forward.
Thank you Coach… and sorry for this loooooooooooong email.
Well, obviously, read the book 10 to 15 times, and you’ve got to apply it. You can’t apply it an go, “I’m too afraid to do it. I’m too afraid to upset her. I don’t want her to be upset with me.”
I would never call or text her again for any reason. Take your time to respond back to her, you know. Go out on a date with somebody else, and call her back the next day when she calls you. And then if she’s like, “Where were you?” you say, “Oh, I was on a date.” If she’s like, “Well, how did it go?” It’s like, “Gentlemen, don’t kiss and tell. Are you jealous? Maybe you should fly into town and come see me and make me a nice home cooked meal, and maybe I’ll give you another shot.”
But at this point, have her fly to see you, dude. It’s like, “Hey, why don’t you come see me? Well, figure it out. Book a ticket. Send me your itinerary.” She’ll either do it or she won’t. And if she likes you, she’ll book of flight.
I’d be following exactly what is in “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back.” I wouldn’t call her, I wouldn’t text her. I’d respond to her messages. I’d ask her two consecutive times in a row when she reaches out to you first to come see you. And if she says, “No, I’ve got to check my schedule,” then say, a day or two later she reaches out again, say “Hey, what did you figure out with your schedule?” And if she gives you that, “Oh, I just just wanted to talk to you and see how you were doing,” it’s like, “Oh, I am about to go to bed” or “I’m about to run out. Great to hear from you. Figure out your schedule and get in touch.”
And then after that, two to three text replies max, “Hey, I’ve got to run. Great hearing from you.” If it’s a phone call, “Hey, it’s great hearing your voice. I’ve got to run. See you later. Bye.” Never bring up getting together again.
And one of two things will happen. She’ll either bring up coming to see you again. It’s still a possibility, because she’s still reaching out every day. Still a possibility — a slim one. But if a woman is chasing you, she’s not dumping you or blowing you off. So there still is some sliver of hope that she’ll hop on a plane and come see you. But damn, dude, it’s like, she was right on a silver platter.
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Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“Women are attracted to men who know what they want and who go for it without hesitation or being held back by fear. They are repulsed and turned off by guys who are too timid, risk averse, indecisive and who don’t seem to know how to be the romantic leader. Men who understand women create fun filled romantic opportunities that allow women to feel safe and comfortable to slowly open up to the possibility and escalation of physical intimacy. Smart men know when to move forward and when to back off. Guys who don’t know any better miss attraction and intimacy cues and eventually, when women figure this out, get friend zoned or blown off and ghosted.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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