The process of getting your confidence back after breaking up with your long term girlfriend.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who recently broke up with his girlfriend of 5 years because their goals were no longer aligned. He also wanted to date around more, because he spent the last decade in relationships with 2 different women. However, he is out of practice and is having a really hard time.
Women can smell his desperation and avoid him. He wants to know how to get his confidence back. He says hot women would hit on him while he was with his girlfriend, but he wouldn’t cheat. Now that he’s single, they ignore him. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
This guy followed my work, started applying what I teach in 3% Man, got himself a bunch of dates, then eventually he met his now ex-girlfriend. If you take into account the fact that he’s had two relationships, the first one was, I think five years. I think he was with the first girlfriend for six years, and the one he just broke up with he was with for five years. So, you’re talking about 10, 11 years with the same two women, plus however many women he dated in between breaking up with the first one and before he got into a relationship with the second one. He noted, like most of us guys, when we’re in relationships, it seems like there are all kinds of women that are interested in us. And then, as soon as we become single, they’re gone. And it’s just because of the vibe that he’s giving off.
Now, he’s kind of in a scarcity mindset, he’s been out of the game. I mean, it’s basically been five, six years since he was approaching and meeting and dating women that he didn’t know. So, obviously, he’s going to be out of practice. Whereas, women are never out of the game because, especially if they’re beautiful, they’re always getting hit on, they’re always getting approached. They’re getting guys that are expressing interest in them. And when they’re taken, they just say, “Hey, I have a boyfriend,” or “Hey, I’m married.” But as soon as they’re single, all they have to do is start saying, “yes.”
And that’s the difference between guys and women. For guys, it takes time for them to get warmed up, to practice, to go through a few failures. And so, this guy is just like, “My confidence is gone.” He’s like, “What do I do to get that back? What do I do to get back on the horse and get out there?” Because he’s like, “I saw all of these girls that were interested in me. They were really hot, and I wanted to take advantage of those opportunities, but I’m a loyal guy, and I don’t cheat on my girlfriend.” And so, now that he’s single, he’s like, “Where did they all go?”
Hope this email finds you well. I’ve been following your work for about 6 years. I initially found you after getting dumped by my first girlfriend of 6 years and having no idea how it happened. After some time reading your book, I got to a good place where I felt confident and finally started seeing good results with women.
I eventually met the girl who would become my second girlfriend and had a fantastic relationship with her that lasted 5 years. We had fun together, we had similar values, she was easy going and easy to get along with, and we must have had about 5 fights over the course of the relationship. This was all thanks to the principles you teach in your book, so I have to thank you for that!
Unfortunately, our goals in life where very different, and after graduating from college and getting into our first jobs, this started to create friction in the relationship, and I decided that it would be best to go our separate ways, as we weren’t growing in the same direction.
Hey, sometimes it happens. Sometimes the relationship just runs its course. I mean, you see this a lot. I think everybody watching this knows somebody that was married for 20+ years, they raised their kids, and then once the kids are gone, they’re like, “Who is this person? Why are we even together?” And then they end up splitting up and starting another relationship.
Sometimes that happens. Sometimes a relationship just runs its course. It’s life. It’s very rare for two people to meet, fall in love, and want to stay together forever. Most people just don’t have that experience. I mean, the divorce rate is over 50%, so at least half the people are having different relationships throughout the course of their life, or they’re getting married multiple times.
The problem I find myself in is, I no longer feel as confident as I did prior to meeting her, and also during the course of the relationship. Part of the reason I decided to break up was that I wanted to explore dating, as I’ve never been single for an extended period. Before breaking up, I was constantly finding myself in situations where hot women would show interest in me, but I would politely decline or not pursue, as I wasn’t interested in cheating.
It’s totally understandable.
But now, I find myself having trouble striking up conversations with women I’m interested in, whereas before, I had no problem at all. I think it’s because I haven’t been with any women since the breakup, and find myself in a scarcity mindset, which they can smell from a mile.
You’ve always got to fall back on the fundamentals, and I am a coach who teaches the fundamentals of the science of high achievement. Repetition is the mother of skill. As Aristotle said, “Excellence is a singular act. You are what you do repeatedly.” And so, you have to get back on the horse. You have to get out there. You have to put yourself in situations where you’re outnumbered by women, where there are way more women than there are guys. A simple example, like going to a yoga class. It’s mostly women in there, and there are typically going to be 1 or 2 dudes that are going to be in that class, in a room of 20 to 30 women who are very in shape, fit, and very flexible, which has its benefits. And if you’re one of two guys there, and you’re going there a couple times a week, you’re going to get to know the ladies. I mean, it’s pretty simple.
You’ve got to get back to developing and practicing your small talk. And the other thing is, you’ve got to get back into your hobbies, your interests, the things you love doing for fun. Maybe reconnect with old friends, where you may have let those relationships go by the wayside because you were so focused on your relationship. Maybe spend time with your family, go say hello to your mother. Spend time with your mother, tell her you love her.
But you’ve got to lose yourself when you’re not working. You’ve got to lose yourself in the process of enjoying your social life and creating a great social life full of activities and fun things with like minded people who love the same things. Because you’re going to be your most attractive and approachable – in other words, you’re going to give off the vibe that you’re approachable and safe with women – when you’re happy, when you’re smiling a lot.
That’s why it’s important to go do things that are fun, that are exciting, that you love, that you enjoy. Taking care of your body, going to the gym, being fit, being in shape. Because when you’re fit and in shape, and you wear tight fitting clothes, women can tell that you’re fit and in shape, because the reality is 74% of all Americans are either obese or overweight. So, just being fit and in shape. You don’t have to be Mr. Olympia, or a big bulky dude that can barely walk down the street with giant muscles. It’s just that being fit and in shape is a mostly rare thing in today’s society, unlike it was when I was your age, 30-something years ago.
That’s one thing you have control over, is taking care of your body, being fit, being in shape. And maybe you meet a girl at the gym, maybe you befriend guys at the gym working out, because you go there on a regular basis, and you start shooting the shit about sports or guns, or whatever. Partying, drinking, whatever the kind of things are that you love doing for fun. You befriend guys there, and you start hanging out with them.
That one dude might be in a relationship or married or have a hot girlfriend, and guess what? She has a lot of hot, single girlfriends. So, you go over to their barbecue in the weekend, because maybe you’re watching the hockey playoffs or the NBA playoffs, which happen to be going on right now. That’s how most people typically meet the people they date and they fall in love with, that have relationships with, is just their social life, what they do for fun and socially. You’re not going to meet the next great love of your life sitting on your couch, watching TV, jerking off to porn, or playing video games. You’ve got to get out and participate in society and have an active social life.
Obviously, there’s never, ever going to be another time where you’re going to be surrounded by as many beautiful and single, mostly fit and in shape women as you’re going to when you’re in college. You are in the most target rich environment that you’re pretty much ever going to experience in life. But now, you’re in the real world. So, it’s like, where are all the girls? What do they do for fun? Where can you go and enjoy the conditions where you’re outnumbered by women? Maybe you like going to wine and food festivals, or maybe you’re into art. There’s art shows, art fairs, there’s art galleries, there’s art openings. If you’re into rock climbing, going to a rock climbing gym. If you’re into shooting and going to the gun range, going to the gun range with your friends.
What I love about being involved in the gun community is that, over the years that I’ve been shooting and training, I meet a lot of high character, family oriented dudes that also love to shoot. I’ve become friends with them, I get to know their girlfriends or their wives. I meet other people through that, and it’s just a lot of high character, good quality, good family oriented type of people. And so, when you’re not working, you should be busy doing something for fun. Maybe if you’re into boating, you join a yacht club. Maybe if you’re in a golf, you join a country club.
Whatever it is that you love to do for fun, there are groups of people that also love doing the same things. So, go lose yourself in the process of doing things that are fun. Because when you’re smiling, and you’re laughing, and you’re joking around and you’re having a good time, you look happy, you look competent, and most importantly, you look safe. This is the kind of vibe you want to give off that attracts women.
If you’re feeling depressed, and sad, and lonely that you broke up with your girlfriend, and you haven’t had any dates, you’re not even talking to women, you haven’t been through “3% Man” in a while, you’re probably going to be giving off a negative vibe, a pessimistic vibe. You’re not going to be smiling very much. It’s going to be harder to engage other people in conversation because you’re just not enjoying yourself.
So, the most important thing that you need to do when you’re single again is whatever it takes to get yourself to a happy place. Because it’s the wrong mindset to think that “even though I’m not happy right now, if I just find the right girl, then I’ll be happy.” You want to be in a happy place because like attracts like. Happy and fun loving people attract other happy and fun loving people. So, that should be your first priority, getting busy on the weekends or your days off doing things you love and enjoy for fun with other like minded people. It’s a matter of building your social life.
When you’re always out and about doing fun things with like minded people, there’s going to be girls around, typically. Like I said, something that’s easy to do is joining going to a yoga class, you’re going to be outnumbered. It’s something like that. Maybe you’re into meditation, go to a meditation retreat or some kind of spiritual type of retreat. Do fun things that you love, that you enjoy, that helps put you into a peaceful and relaxed state, that makes you feel at ease. Because if you’re at ease, you will be able to put other people at ease.
If you have peace in your body, other people, especially women, will pick up on that and feel that, and they’ll gravitate towards you. Even animals, dogs and people’s pets, when you go over to their house, they’ll want to come over and sit down next to you, because you’re the calmest one there. Masculinity is calm, so do things that make you feel happy, make you feel relaxed, and most importantly, make you feel calm, because it will put other people at ease.
You’ll make other people feel safe and you’ll become more approachable. And the more approachable you are, especially when you are in a relationship, you have peace, you have ease, you have enough feminine energy in your life. You’re not hungry, you’re not desperate, and women can feel that, they can sense that. That’s why they gravitate towards you. That’s why they hit on you. Because unlike most men that they encounter in their daily life, you make them feel safe.
And so, you have to get to a place where you give off that vibe once again, like you did the last time that you were single. And even though you may have read the book many years ago and you had a good relationship for the last five or so years, you’ve got to get back to the fundamentals. You’ve got to get back to the basics. Now that you don’t have a girl in your life, you’re giving off the vibe that “I need somebody in my life. I’ve got to find somebody right now.” And that’s the wrong vibe to be giving off. You want to get to a happy place first because women can sense that, they can feel that.
He says, “I find myself having trouble striking up conversations with women I’m interested in.” Well, you should be asking them the kind of questions that they would enjoy answering. So, you’ve obviously gotten rusty on your small talk. Maybe you should join Toastmasters. Join some kind of a club, an Elks Lodge or some kind of club in your city. Or a beach club, or a yacht club, whatever the things are that you love doing for fun, and go lose yourself in those kinds of interests. Because you will meet people there that will introduce you to other people. That’s how it works.
He says, “Whereas, before I had no problem at all. I think it’s because I haven’t been with any women since the breakup.” Well, you’re just rusty. You haven’t practiced your social skills. And when you had your original first breakup, when you came to me, you read the book, you applied it relentlessly, and over time, just like you said, you got pretty good with women. You had them coming into your life and going out of your life pretty quickly, until you met somebody you really liked, and then you stayed with her.
But now that you’re single again, in essence, you have to start over and create that same vibe. It takes effort. You’ve got to participate in your own rescue. Your future ex-wife, your next ex-girlfriend, is not going to come and bang on your front door and go, “Hey, here I am!” You’ve got to get out there and participate in humanity.
The question is, what actions can I take to become the centered man I once was as fast as possible?
Like I was just saying, number one, get back into the book. And number two, you’ve got to put yourself in social situations where there are more women than men. Just going to a yoga class, being surrounded by beautiful women, and you being one of only 1 or 2 dudes there, that makes you feel better. Because the women that are single, especially if you go there on a frequent basis and you see them, eventually, you’re going to get to know them. They’re going to strike up conversations with you and start asking you questions.
Those kinds of things are the kinds of things that build your swagger, build your confidence and make you a little cockier than you would be normally, which attracts women to you even more. So, you need to be doing things that get you in the right vibration.
I’m currently re-reading the book about once a week, going to the gym, trying to focus on my job, and hanging out with my new roommates.
Part of me thinks it’s normal to feel this way…
Absolutely. But you’ve got to remember, women are never out of the game. The only difference is, the day that they become single, now they can say yes to the men who approach them. So, it’s like, they don’t have to get warmed up. They don’t have to do 50 approaches. All they have to do is say, “yes.”
…as the breakup was rather recently and the relationship was quite long, and I still have feelings for my ex. I just want to get to a place where I feel peaceful by myself, and I know everything will fall into place as a byproduct of that.
Well, anything that facilitates you being in a peaceful and relaxed state is what you want to do. And being around people that you really like, being around is a big reason for that. And doing fun things that you love and enjoy will also make you feel peaceful, relaxed and happy, when you’re smiling and you’re having a good time.
Just like I talked about in that article I did all those years ago, “How To Get Women To Approach You First.” There’s multiple methods in there to do that. I suggest that you review that article and start practicing those things. Because it’s all about the vibe that you’re giving off. If women don’t feel safe and comfortable around you, or they’re not approaching you yet, you’ve got to work on it. You’ve got to get to a happy place first.
Thanks for everything you do coach! I’ve referred all of my close friends to your work, and they are all constantly having amazing experiences with women thanks to you. I want to get to the same place!
Well, you’ve been there. The only difference is you haven’t been in that place for the last five or six years, since the last time you were single. And if you think back to when you first found my work until you got your now recent ex-girlfriend, there was a process that you went through. It took time to read the book, it took time to apply it. You had to fail a lot, and you got some successes.
And once you started having some successes and they were repeatable, it is a process. It’s a process of hanging out, having fun while you’re hanging out, and then hooking up when the signs are there that she’s ready to be touched and kissed and ultimately seduced. But you have to go through the process. The process is the process, and there are no shortcuts to success. You’re going to have to do the work. You’re going to have to do the little things. Just reading the book is great, it’s going to refresh your memory, but if you’re not applying it, it’s not going to help you.
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.
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Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur