What it means and what you should do when your girlfriend says she needs space to think about things.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from an overly emotional, needy and neurotic guy who knows he has consistently acted like a beta male. He discovered my work 15 months ago after a breakup, but only read the book twice. Six months ago, he started dating a new woman and has acted like a complete jackass by being controlling and jealous and constantly arguing with her, which is the opposite of what my book teaches.
Recently, he got upset and jealous of an ex of hers, and she said she needed space because he promises to change, but then continually reverts back to being angry, jealous, controlling and argumentative. It’s exhausting to her. Now he is in no contact, even though he didn’t do as she asked and contacted her a few days after she asked for a break. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
You can kind of see how, initially, a guy like this in a relationship caused the woman to feel safe because he’s so strong, or he appears to be strong and controlling. But, obviously, the longer she stayed with him, she started to see him for what he really was, which was a needy, insecure, neurotic jackass. Kind of like the analogy I’ve used over the years of a crazy monkey in a cage at the zoo that’s tossing and chucking his feces and his jizz at the people as they walk by, as he’s going berserk in his cage.
So, this guy is basically doing the opposite of what my book teaches. He admits he only read it twice, and that’s led to a lot of his problems because he really doesn’t know the material. And when you look at his actions, his actions are the opposite of what the book teaches.
This is a good email on what not to do if you’re trying to attract and keep a woman in your life. Because no matter where you’re at, there’s always somebody that’s way worse off than you are. And especially if a guy’s going through a difficult time and he hears and email like this, he’s like, “Wow, I’m not really that bad. I don’t have as far to go as that guy does with working out his issues and his kinks.”
Love your work. Discovered you after a breakup about 15 months ago. I have read the book only twice, (I know, I know), and listen to your videos every day.
So, you’re cherry picking, trying to find the right magic lines to fix your situation, instead of actually learning the fundamentals, understanding the transition from pickup to dating to relationship skills and how they all come into play in a long term relationship. So, you’re not willing to take the time to really learn the material backwards and forwards, especially when you’re trying to undo years and years, or decades, or a lifetime of bad behavior, just reading the book twice.
Because, remember, any time you read or you watch something or you listen to it, you’re going to retain maybe 8-10% of it. And that’s why you want to read “3% Man” 10 to 15 times. Because a lot of what you know or you think you know about life, and women, and dating, and relationships is just completely wrong. And you’re not able to really connect all the dots until you get to know the material so well you don’t have to think about it. You just respond.
If you’re trying to undo a lot of unattractive behavior, and if you’ve only been through a book like mine once or twice, when you get into these situations, there’s bits and pieces of things that you kind of remember, but oftentimes I make fun of people, they act like a robot. Because they’re in their head, and the woman can tell that you’re not really present with her when you’re with her, because you’re thinking about the right response. You’re like, “What was that? Where was that? What page was that? I know he said something about that in the book.”
But if you know the book backwards and forwards, you just become intuitive. It develops your sixth sense to the point where you literally can read women like a book. And that’s what you want to get to, because if you can read them like a book, you can always tell where you stand in any moment and take corrective action. But if you don’t know what to do, you’re not going to have confidence and you’re not going to be competent. And that’s this guy’s problem. He lacks confidence because he doesn’t know the material, therefore, he doesn’t come across as competent.
I know your material so well, I usually KNOW the right thing to do in most situations.
Dude, you’re delusional. You read the book twice. Absolutely not. I’ve been through this email, there is no way you know exactly what to do. Because if you did, you wouldn’t be acting this way, because your behavior will turn off any woman. And I bet if I talked to your previous ex-girlfriends, they would all have the same complaint about you.
But I oftentimes let my emotions get the best of me…
In other words, he chooses not to use emotional self-control.
…and do the exact opposite of what I know I should do.
This is what happens when you don’t know the material. You just simply don’t know it well enough. You tell yourself that you do, yet you’re still doing the opposite. And the reason you’re doing the opposite is because you’re in a state of anger and fear. You just simply don’t know what to do behind. Behind anger is always fear. What are we afraid of? We’ve got two primary fears: 1) fear that we’re not enough, in other words, we don’t have what it takes, or 2) fear that we won’t be loved and accepted by our friends, family, or our peer group – or in this case, the girl he wants to be with.
With that being said, even then, I am 10 times better than I was a year ago, thanks to your help.
Well, I would agree with that statement. I’m sure you’ve gotten better and you’ve improved, but when you’ve only read the book twice, you maybe got about 15-16% of it committed to memory. You’ll get some attainable success, but you’re not going to be able to sustain it. And that’s why you’re really struggling right now and your girlfriend wants space from you. Because she’s over it. You’re not acting like a man is supposed to act.
I met an amazing woman 6 months ago, things moved fast, and I ended up foolishly spending almost every single night at her place.
Well, there’s nothing wrong with that. If she’s inviting you and things are naturally flowing in that direction. But if you’re just kind of never leaving, and you stop hanging out with your friends, you neglect your family, you neglect your hobbies, your interests, you stop going to the gym, then, yeah, that’s going to be an issue. Because she can feel it. She’s not inviting you there. You’re forcing yourself into her life. And the only reason you try to force yourself into her life is because you fear you’re not good enough. You fear she won’t love you if she really knows what you’re like.
I would often argue with her…
Well, right out of the book, it says men who understand women don’t argue with them. And if you’re often arguing with her, again, you don’t know the material. It’s just stupid. Even if you win the argument, you’re going to lose.
…and get very jealous and controlling, acting like a total beta male bitch. I take full responsibility.
Well, it’s one thing to say you take full responsibility, but if you say you take full responsibility, yet nothing changes – you don’t change your behavior, you don’t take the time to learn the material in the book, and read it 10 to 15 times, so you really actually know it backwards and forwards – that tells me you’re not a serious student. You’re lazy and you’re half-assing it, and that’s why you’re in the situation that you’re in.
I mean, he’s had access to this material 15 months, which was almost an entire year before he even met the girl that he was with now. Those are the actions of somebody that’s lazy and half-assing it and not taking it seriously. And now he’s suffering tremendously because of it. But pain is life’s change agent. That’s life’s way of saying, “Hey, what you’re doing is wrong.” But if you don’t want to change, that’s like trying to swim upstream. It just wears you out eventually. And in this case, you wore yourself out and you wore her out. And not in a good way.
This week, I acted particularly jealous of a guy that she used to date that I viewed as much better than me.
Well, that’s the issue. The number one strength characteristic that women love about men is confidence. And if you’re getting jealous and insecure of an ex of hers, because maybe he’s more successful, or he made more money than you, or he’s more good looking, you’re communicating constantly, “I don’t deserve you. I’m not good enough for you. I don’t deserve to be with you.” And eventually, a woman is going to agree with that.
I could tell I really upset her, and last night when I got home, ready to apologize and take her to dinner, she was sitting there just staring at a wall, looking dejected.
Yeah, because this has happened countless times over six months. And every woman is just going to be like, “The juice isn’t worth the squeeze,.
She said this has happened way too many times, and that I always apologize, but never change.
Yeah, when you say one thing and do another as a man, a woman or women in general are just simply not going to trust your masculine core, because you don’t mean what you say. It’s just like when you’re like, “Oh yeah, I know the material really well, Coach,” but yet you read the book twice. And I look at the way you’re behaving; your words and actions, you’re not congruent with them. This is going to make any woman that you’re with feel unsafe to be with you. She’s not going to feel like you can protect her, because quite frankly, you don’t have control over yourself and your emotions. And you’re, quite frankly, not doing what it takes to help yourself.
You must participate in your own rescue, and you’re doing a half-ass job of it. That’s just the brutal, honest truth. I mean, you should be disgusted with your behavior ,and you should be resolving this. Like, “I’m never going to act this way again.” Masculinity is calm, and you are a jack in the box. And women don’t like jack in the boxes.
She said, “I just really need space,” would not go out to get a drink with me and told me I was not welcome to stay the night.
So she was like, “Hit the road, Jack, and don’t you come back no more. No more, no more.”
She wouldn’t give me an answer on staying together or not…
Again, that’s covered in the book. Constantly trying to see where you stand with the girl is not attractive. It’s lacking in confidence. “I need you to tell me, Mommy, if I’m good or not.” It’s like, you have to get to a place where you validate yourself and you love who you are. You love your life, you love your lifestyle. If you’re not proud of yourself or proud of your life, you’re not going to get a woman excited about it either. Simple as that.
…and said she can’t make that decision right now. I asked her if we could work on things, and she said right now she just needs space.
Why would she believe anything that comes out of your mouth? “Oh, let’s work on things now.” It’s like, you’ve had the same issue for the whole six months you’ve been dating her, and every time it ends the same way. You promise you’re going to do something about it, and you don’t. Just like when you come across my work, you know you need to read a 10 to 15 times, but you made a half-ass effort – probably a year and a half ago, maybe when you first came across it – so you haven’t even read the book recently.
And you weren’t familiar enough with the material when you started dating her, because you’ve been cherry picking things from videos, which I constantly say, don’t do it. Don’t do it because you’re trying to undo some really toxic bad behavior that turns women off in general, and if you’re not learning a different way to show up and to be, you’re constantly going to be getting triggered by things that she does because of your issues.
And then, your issues become her issues, because you project them. And your mommy issues, you’re projecting them onto her and making her your mommy and your therapist. It’s totally unattractive. This woman just is not going to feel safe trusting you to be the head of the household or the leader of anything. And she’s just like, “Get away from me,” because you don’t act like a man with her consistently. It’s totally disgusting.
I moved all of my stuff out of her house last night, while she watched me. I apologized to her…
It’s like, the apology doesn’t matter, dude. At this point, you’ve apologized for the same thing over and over and nothing has changed. So, you’re giving her meaningless words, meaningless platitudes.
…and told her I would go back into therapy, and that I would work on myself, that I love her and hope we can work it out.
It’s like, how many chances has she giving you over the last six months? And you promise to fix it, and then just a few days later you’re blowing your top and being a jack in the box again. Eventually, at some point, all women are gonna be like, “This guy doesn’t mean anything he says.” Men keep their word. They say what they mean, and they mean what they say. And you’re doing the opposite of that. You’re acting like a little boy.
I told her I would not contact her ever again, but I would love to hear from her after she thinks about things and gets some space from me.
So, he sent an update a couple of days after he wrote the original email, and he wasn’t congruent with that statement either. This is a constant problem. You say one thing, and you do another. You say, “You’ll never hear from me again,” and then three days later you call her or you text her. So, once again you’re saying one thing and doing another. Why would she believe or trust anything that you say? You don’t mean the words that come out of your mouth. How do I know that? Your actions don’t reflect it, simple as that.
I forgot I left one important tool of mine in her basement.
Oh, I’m sure you forgot that. You probably left it there on purpose, hoping that if things didn’t work out or you didn’t hear from her, you would have a reason to call her, “Hey, I left that one important tool in your basement. I packed everything up that was in your house, but I forgot this one really important tool in your basement.” You left it there so you could have a reason to contact her if you don’t hear from her. Because I don’t believe you. You’re not believable. You don’t have a track record of saying what you mean and meaning what you say.
My question is, at this point, do I just do the 7 principles to get an ex back, never look back, and consider this completely over?
She said she needed space. So, when she says she needs space, then just leave. It doesn’t mean you need to make a big deal out of it, and pack all your stuff up, and make some big scene where you’re like, “I’m taking my toys and I’m going home. I’m not going to play any more with you in the sandbox. You hurt my feelings. You’re a big meanie!” You’re just like a petulant little child. So, I wouldn’t have packed my stuff up and left. But she says she needs space because you’re smothering her, you’re suffocating her. You don’t act like an equal or a teammate. You act like a spoiled, immature little child.
Or is it different because she said she wants space and hasn’t made a decision yet?
Well, you were the one pushing, “Can we work it out? Does this mean the relationship is over?” Again, if you want to stay together, you’re not going to be suggesting a breakup. This is why you read the book at 10 to 15 times. Because you don’t know the material, and yet you’re still completely doing the opposite of what the book teaches. But yet you you bullshit yourself and you bullshit me, trying to tell me, “Oh, I really know the material backwards and forwards.” I’m reading this stuff, and it’s like, no, you don’t. You maybe know 15% of what’s in the book, and that’s it. That’s the reality.
I feel like the best decision is to just not contact her.
That’s what she asked. Part of her saying “I need space” is seeing if you will exercise enough self-control to actually give her that space. And we know because we got the second update here that I’m going to get to in a second that shows you didn’t. You didn’t have the self-control to be congruent with your words when you said, “Okay, I’ll give you a space.”
But then I worry that makes me look like I don’t care at all, since she would not tell me that we are broken up.
Well, she didn’t want to break up, she just wanted space. But you’re assuming it’s over because, again, you’re a needy and secure jackass. You didn’t get enough strokes as a child from your mom, your dad, whatever. And I can relate, because I had the same issues, but I overcame them. And if I overcame them, you can. But your effort is just piss poor, dude. You’re just not a serious student.
It’s like you’ve been bullshitting yourself, you bullshit her, and you’ve been bullshitting other people your whole life. You cannot call yourself a man and go around constantly saying one thing and then doing the opposite. That’s just how men are. Men say what they mean, and they mean what they say. Little boys say one thing and then do another. Bullshit artists, con artists, they say one thing and then do the opposite. You’ve got to have some integrity, dude. Seriously.
Any help on this is appreciated, as I don’t understand if needing space is exactly the same as breaking up.
No, it’s not. She said she needed space. If she wanted to break up, she would say, “I need a break” or “I don’t want to date you anymore.” You were smothering her, you were controlling, you were jealous, and you were jealous because you felt inferior to this other guy. You even admit it in the beginning of the email.
It seemed like a polite breakup to me.
Because, again, that’s your go to. It’s the end of the world, it’s over. What’s really going on is you fear she’s not going to love you, and so everything is trying to force things. Deep down, you’re afraid that you’re not worthy of her love, and so everything you do, everything you say comes from that place. It clouds all of your actions and all of your judgment.
Again, this is why I say read the book 10 to 15 times, because this becomes your new operating system, your new mindset. What’s happening is your old, unattractive mindset is still the dominant program running in your mind. And the only way it’s going to change is if you replace it with better, more efficient information that actually works. You’ve got to participate in your own rescue. You’ve got to put the time in. There are no shortcuts to success.
So, here’s his update. He sent me this. I think his original email came in after the Friday night breakup. And then, after the weekend he texted her again. So, he wasn’t congruent with his promise to never contact her again, which is just him continuing to do to say one thing and then do the opposite. And that’s her big complaint, is you say one thing and then you do the opposite. She says she needs space. You say you’re going to give her space, and then three days later, you contact her. This just shows you have no self control. You’re not calm, you’re not in your masculine. And a feminine woman needs a man to be in his masculine, or she’s going to think of him and see him as just a platonic roommate or a platonic friend.
Update: I ended up texting her Monday evening, after giving her no contact for the weekend.
Well, no contact means no contact. All you did was not contact her for a few days. That is not what no contact is. No contact is basically “we’re at an impasse.” She says I need space. You promised to give her that space, and you held out for a whole three days. Maybe you should jump up and down really hard, and maybe your balls will fully drop.
I figured this was ok to do…
She said she needs space. It’s not okay to do that. When a woman asks for space, you have to be man enough to give that to her. But you didn’t, because you’re a needy, insecure, neurotic jackass.
…as she had not actually broken up with me.
No, it was not okay to do. You were once again not congruent with your words. And you, once again, reiterated and reminded her of why she needed space, that you just have no self-control, and you refuse to exercise it. You’re a jealous, insecure, control freak, and nothing has changed from what happened Friday to this Monday. Nothing changed at all. You’re still the same guy. You’re still pushing her buttons. You’re still making her feel like she can’t trust you when you behave this way.
I just told her I was thinking about her and hoped she had a good start to her week.
Again, she says, “I need space.” And once again, you cannot handle going more than three days without contacting her, because you’re just trying to find out where you stand.
She texted back some general pleasant message and thanked me for having given her space for the 72 hours. She said it gave her time to think and reflect clearly. I told her that was good, and that I had done the same. She said that she has realized some things she needs to change and work on, and I told her that I don’t think she needed to do much, and to not bear herself up about anything, and that I take responsibility for making the relationship difficult.
Well, if you take responsibility for it, if you accept your flaws and your faults, and your shortcomings, and the mistakes you made in the past – the way you have hurt her consistently, constantly, over and over and over again in the past – that you’re going to change and you’re going to do something different, but you haven’t. You can’t say you take responsibility, and then keep doing the same shit over and over. I mean, seriously, come on. You got to man up, dude.
She then texted me that she appreciates me saying that, but that she knows she did some things wrong. She then said, “I hated what happened Friday. It was emotionally draining. But as I said, I think it was needed so that we can possibly try a fresh start. Although, I’m not sure when that will happen. Things take time.”
In other words, “I need some damn space. Will you please leave me the hell alone? Be a man. I will contact you when I’ve had enough space, when I start to miss you.” Which again, as the book teaches, if a woman is always chasing and pursuing you, you don’t have to worry about getting dumped. But if you constantly call and text and overpursue her, you will chase her right out of your life, to the point where she’s totally disgusted by you and wants nothing to do with you.
We sent 2 or 3 messages back and forth before I ended the conversation, telling her I had to get to bed.
I’m pretty sure the only way forward from here is no contact on my part.
She said, “I need space,” dude. And you couldn’t even go three days without contacting her again. And yeah, I’m breaking your balls pretty hard, because hopefully this message will get across to your brain. Because masculine energy grows through challenge, so I’m challenging you to be a better man, and I’m challenging you to actually read the book and learn the material, so you stop acting this way.
So, when a woman says, “I need space,” you’re actually man enough to give her that space. And then when she starts to miss you, she’s had time to process her feelings, and think about things, and see that you actually were able, for the first time in six months since you met her, to give her that space, because that’s your whole issue.
And I think it’s great that you’re going back to therapy. You promised her you were going to do that, and you better be on the phone, or that should have already happened, because this email came in like a week ago. You said you’re going to get back into therapy, and if you haven’t made a call to your therapist to set an appointment, again, it’s the same issue. You say one thing, you do another. You’re not acting like a man. So, be a man for once in your life for a change. Call your therapist, and start back up on your therapy and take care of you. Just like Jim Rohn said, “I’ll take care of me for you, and you take care of you for me.”
It’s time to grow up, dude, and start acting like a man, instead of a little man baby or a man child that is looking for attention and validation from his girlfriend. Don’t make your girlfriend your mommy or your therapist. That’s what you’ve been doing, and it’s not working for you, bro. It will not work for you. And if you don’t change your behavior, she will break up with you for good and it will be over.
And maybe that’s the pain that it’s going to take in order for you to finally admit that you need to change and do something about it. Hopefully not. But based on what she said, this is totally salvageable if you just calm the hell down, leave the girl alone, and let her come to you at her pace, instead of trying to control everything. Because if you try to control everything like you have, you’re literally going to chase her right out of your life, because she’s not going to feel safe with you, or around you, or being near you.
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.
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